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1 - 14 of 14 Comments Last updated Apr 25, 2013
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#1
Apr 25, 2013
 
Dear Amy: I'm 56 years old. I've been married for more than 20 years, and we haven't made love in more than eight years. Is our sex life over forever?

I've brought this up with my wife only five or six times in the last eight years, and it's always the same. She says we're not connected, not communicating. If only we were connected more, she says. What does that mean? One time we took a two-hour hike together. She felt ever so slightly more connected to me that day but not enough for sex.

I'm like a pot of boiling pasta on the stove, boiling over every year or so, then the heat is turned down, and I find myself simmering instead.

I love my wife. I think she's attractive and I am in love with her. She's put on weight in the last 20 years, and I know it bothers her, but I think she's pretty, beautiful and sexy.

Sex is one of the only ways I know to show my love and to show that I am loved. I do get to demonstrate my love in other ways, like making her tea when she's sick or buying her jewelry. I'm a good husband. We share kitchen chores and carpooling. We are as equal as anyone in this department. And I never leave the seat up!

We haven't even kissed more than a quick peck at the departure gate at the airport or when I give her jewelry. What I'd give for a 10-minute kissing session — she's such a good kisser.

I cannot believe that our sex life is over. It breaks my heart.— Sad

Dear Sad: One thing your wife needs to realize is that sex itself can be a way to feel connected and to communicate. Men sometimes use a sexual connection as a way to communicate. Women tend to see a sexual connection as the result of happy and healthy communication.

Devote 10 minutes each day to looking her in the eye, stroking her hand and asking questions and listening. And, yes, 10 minutes of kissing (without the pressure of sex) would be wonderful. The reason hiking together eased your connection is because it was just the two of you, outside your home, having a new experience together. Can you share more experiences like this?

Bring this up again. Ask her open-ended questions about connection and listen to her responses.

More physical intimacy (eye contact, hand-holding) will bring you closer. You both crave connection, but you'll have to be intentional and behave differently in order to get it. A marriage counselor could help start (and continue) the conversation.

Dear Amy: It's that time of year when I almost dread checking my mail for fear of receiving yet one more high school graduation announcement!

This year for the first time we received two college graduation announcements. Is this the new trend? Do we need to send a gift for this event like we did for their high school graduation?

Please don't misunderstand, we are proud of these individuals, but an announcement seems like a gift request. Will a card suffice?— Dreads Mail

Dear Dreads: Yes, a card will suffice. If you are invited (and choose to attend) a graduation-related event, a gift would be gratefully received, but please don't dread these announcements. Treat them as the good news notifications they are.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Apr 25, 2013
 

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1 Yawn, yeah lamy it the mans fault, he has to change, he has to gaze lovingly into her eyes and stroke her hand.

Whats she gotta do lamy?

2 Gift grab, send a card or toss the letter.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#3
Apr 25, 2013
 

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LW1: Yeah, Amy he should become an even bigger puss boi. As if the relationship and balance of power isn't one sided enough... <rolls eyes>

He needs to stop being a wuss. If my treated me half as bad as yours does, I’d show her what really unconnected is like … I would have some major ‘tudeage. Big time. She’d much rather keep me happy and pleasant.

You also need to stop buying her Jewelry???? I wouldn’t buy a woman plastic $20 jewelry from Walmart if that’s how she treated me.

With your wimpy personality, you probably suck in bed too. She probably looks at her watch the whole time.

Man up and quit being a puss. Women don’t respect that. They want a man. You need a “how to be a man” mentor.

The problem is, it's already a habit for her and for him and it's going to be hard to break. I really think they will need marriage counseling to have any chance of re-establishing a more balanced relationship.

LW2: I wouldn’t give anything unless they have a party and I attend.

Since: Jan 10

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#4
Apr 25, 2013
 

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L1: The first thing Lamy should have recommended was marriage counseling. The wife's reaction to his request for this will tell him what he needs to know. And I'm not crazy about Amy's attempt to make the husband so responsible for making sex happen.

L2: You are a flippin' clueless bastage for getting so worked up over GRADUATION ANNOUNCEMENTS.

L3: Or, Upset, maybe the kids were too young and don't really know what the dynamics of mom and dad's marriage were.

Since: Jan 10

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#5
Apr 25, 2013
 

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And I guess we know what turns Amy on.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#6
Apr 25, 2013
 

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LW1: Amy's answer made me want to puke, and believe me I've had enough puking the last two days to really make that an unpleasant thought.

Gaze into her eyes and stroke her hand? WTF?? It's something else that needs stroking, you dolt.

My initial thought was she's getting it somewhere else, and that was confirmed when you said you kiss goodbye at the airport terminal. I don't think any of this is your problem, but if you want to continue in this marriage, I think some counceling is in order.

LW2: blah blah blah

“Colorful Beyond Words”

Since: May 11

"True Love Never Ends "

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#7
Apr 25, 2013
 

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L1 I would encourage her to see her GYN and have some tests done and to rule out any reason why her libido is nonexistent. Then go from there... Counseling ....weight loss ...exercise program. There maybe changes for him ...maybe he's a chain smoker and smells bad, bad breath etc. All issues need to be brought out and settled.

L2 You dont have to send a gift. A simple congrats card will do.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

United States

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#8
Apr 25, 2013
 
1. First, an occasion is not going to make her feel connected, an accumulation of occasions and consistency will. But after 8 years, I am guessing she has passed the point of no return. You, sir, are going to have to take matters into your own hands.

2. Good grief, why do people need "rules" for this stuff? Do what you feel like doing. If you feel like they're gift-worthy, give a gift, if you don't, don't.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#9
Apr 25, 2013
 
Hatti_Hollerand wrote:
L1 I would encourage her to see her GYN and have some tests done and to rule out any reason why her libido is nonexistent. Then go from there... Counseling ....weight loss ...exercise program.
Lack of libido is no justification for denying your spouse sex for 8 years. I could see if it was painful for her. But if she just doesn't feel like doing it, ever, no, that's not okay. I do a lot of stuff for my wife and my family that I don't really feel like doing.

Since: Jan 10

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#10
Apr 25, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Lack of libido is no justification for denying your spouse sex for 8 years. I could see if it was painful for her. But if she just doesn't feel like doing it, ever, no, that's not okay. I do a lot of stuff for my wife and my family that I don't really feel like doing.
If hormones are affecting her (and they could be, for eight years), that doesn't mean her mouth and hands don't work. If the vadge won't cooperate, at least show your man some physical affection in other ways. I think that's the least a spouse can do.

Since: Jan 10

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#11
Apr 25, 2013
 
My friend T has depression and is on meds for it. She once confided in me that she has zero libido, partly because she already had a lower sex drive, but mostly because of the prescription she's on.

And she told me that she makes a point to "fake" being interested in sex at least once a week. Her husband has no idea she's not that into it. She figures, she loves him (They're an amazing couple, and I'd even use the term "soul mates" because of how wonderful they are together), and this is a small thing to do to stay connected to her husband and to stay engaged in the relationship.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#12
Apr 25, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
If hormones are affecting her (and they could be, for eight years), that doesn't mean her mouth and hands don't work. If the vadge won't cooperate, at least show your man some physical affection in other ways. I think that's the least a spouse can do.
ITA

“Colorful Beyond Words”

Since: May 11

"True Love Never Ends "

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#13
Apr 25, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Lack of libido is no justification for denying your spouse sex for 8 years. I could see if it was painful for her. But if she just doesn't feel like doing it, ever, no, that's not okay. I do a lot of stuff for my wife and my family that I don't really feel like doing.
Way more issues than just no libido. She may "love" her husband, but she doesn't "like" him.

I can love you to pieces and not have sex with you. I must like you in order to let you in my personal space / up close and let myself be vunerable to you.

The wife is doesn't like him ....so maybe the problem is with him.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#14
Apr 25, 2013
 
LW1: Let's summarize. You and your wife haven't done it for eight years, you have brought up the subject with your wife five or six times in that length of time, and the response from your wife is that you are not connected and not communicating. So you write to an advice columnist to ask if your sex life is over. Right. The person you need to be talking to is your wife and you need to start 7 years and 9 months ago.

LW2: An announcement of any kind does not require you to send a gift. An invitation, if accepted, requires a gift. Most graduation ceremonies around here have limited seating and usually immediate family only attend. Anyway, send a card with your best wishes.

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