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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jul 24, 2013
Dear Amy: I am a 17-year-old woman. I do not want children and cannot picture having any. I am a very bright student with a lot of drive and a full college scholarship waiting for me next year, so it is safe to say that I am taking my life and future career to a far higher level than the ordinary stay-at-home mother.

I have decided I want to have surgery in order to guarantee against ever becoming a parent, and yet family and friends scoff at me for making this decision. I know that numerous men and women out there have found their children to be the light of their lives and have no regrets (even if the children were not planned), but parenthood is just something I do not want. A baby is not going to make me happy. I am going to be the one to make me happy.

How do I show to the people I know that, although I am young, I am not going to change my mind on the baby subject tomorrow, next month, next year or even when/if I am 35 and single?

If I ever really do want a kid of my own, he or she will be an older adoptee, and I will have lived a pretty fulfilled life; I'll be financially and emotionally ready to give that child everything they need. How can I convince people I want to be surgically sterilized?— Of Sound Mind

Dear Sound: You are not a fully grown woman. How do I know this? Because you are a teenager who thinks she has a crystal
ball. You are also discussing a radical personal and private choice with other people and then griping when they question your choice or have a different point of view.

I don't question your (completely valid) commitment to childlessness, but I don't agree with a person so young having a medically unnecessary, invasive (and expensive) surgery. Although no contraception method is 100 percent effective, some get very close. You should discuss all of this with your doctor, who I hope would also recommend that you speak with a counselor.

If after doing all of your homework, once you turn 18 you can do what you want as long as you can finance this choice and face the short- and long-term consequences with maturity. But remember: One sign of womanhood is having the strength of character to hear, tolerate and perhaps even be influenced by other points of view. You need to relax, take your time and work on growing up.

Dear Amy: I am in a bind. My new girlfriend not only likes to spoon but also snores like a grizzly bear right in my ear. I'm a very light sleeper.

She wants me to be intimate and then stay the night. We have discussed her snoring (she feels embarrassed).

I told her if she wants me to be with her she is asking for a disrespectful "hit and run," because I can't sleep with her due to her snoring and have to go to work the next day. Should I just break this off now? We are both 50 years old, and I'm not about to ask her to change her ways?— Snored Out

Dear Out: Your partner can try any number of remedies to correct her snoring — starting with changing her pillow and her position while sleeping. She should also see her doctor to determine if her snoring reveals an allergy or other health problems.

Also, you can try to change your ways. Inexpensive, pliable earplugs (available at your local drugstore) might block out enough of this noise for you to get a good night's sleep without having to leave the relationship.

Dear Amy: "Worn Down and Out" talked about how her partner runs off to assist his ex-wife at every turn, though they've been divorced for years.

You suggested that she should get more involved in order to assert herself. I think the issue here is his codependence. What's up with that?— Been There

Dear Been There: I agree. Being more present could help answer this question and also interrupt the cozy, codependent dynamic between these two exes.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Jul 24, 2013
L1: No reputable, respected doctor would sterilize you at 18. Good luck getting one to agree to do it to you before age 30. And while *I* knew at 16 I never wanted kids, I do know others who felt the same and then changed their mind as they got more life experience and, well,*became adults*.

Settle down and stop talking about this. I suspect you come off as a huge know-it-all. Also, your condescension toward women who would want to stay home with their children is obnoxious. YOU are obnoxious.

L2: I'm a ridiculously light sleeper and snoring would be a dealbreaker for me. You have to get a good night's sleep. On the other hand, I'm a light snorer and my boyfriend says it's cute, sounds like a growling kitten. Rawr.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Jul 24, 2013
1 Whats wrong with keeping you legs closed, or only screwing sterile guys?

2 Heh! Good out!
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#5 Jul 24, 2013
Lw1: THey have shots you can get that last 3 months. Or jsut don't sleep around. You'd be surprised how a few years can change your outlook on ANYTHING. You don't knwo if that will happen. And if it doesn't, that's fine. But don't close doors that don't need to be closed just yet.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Jul 24, 2013
Stina wrote:
Lw1: THey have shots you can get that last 3 months. Or jsut don't sleep around. You'd be surprised how a few years can change your outlook on ANYTHING. You don't knwo if that will happen. And if it doesn't, that's fine. But don't close doors that don't need to be closed just yet.
Yes, get long-term birth control, like the shots, implants, or iud, AND use condoms for std protection.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Jul 24, 2013
L1: totallly agree with Red and Stina.

L2: Amy is right, there are things you can do. The fact that he didn't try other things first tells me he's not all that into her though.

L3: I got nothing. To many scenarios to second guess this one since I don't remember the original letter. Rehash doesn't go with my Cheerios in any event.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#8 Jul 24, 2013
L1: You're a 17-year-old GIRL, not woman. I agree with everything Red said.

L2: You're 50 and you have to write to Amy about snoring?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Jul 24, 2013
LW1: Geez, wtf happened to you? Fine, don't have any babies (I would HATE to see the obnoxious kids you would raise anyway) but stop judging those that do. Talk to your doc about Mirena or Norplant, because as Red states, no one is going to tie your tubes at this age.

She'll probably fall in love with an orthodox person and end up having 15 babies anyway.

LW2: Since you seem unwilling to even try to find a solution, I think you should just leave.

LW3: Cozy, schmozy.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#11 Jul 24, 2013
My guess is that the 17 yo letter writer wasn't even aware that there are long-term bc options.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Jul 24, 2013
Stina wrote:
My guess is that the 17 yo letter writer wasn't even aware that there are long-term bc options.
You'd think such a smarty-pants would do a little research into all her options.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#13 Jul 24, 2013
LW1 - Agree with all the previous posters. But... Essure is not that invasive. Expensive, though. If you have the money for it, fine, go get it (if you get any doctor to agree to do it for you when you are 18). You may or may not regret it later in life, but that's on you.

LW2 and LW3 - If your partner is not working out for you, just leave. If you can't or don't want to leave, lump it. Trying to change them is fruitless and frustrating.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#14 Jul 24, 2013
LW1: Wow are you a piece of work. You are also nothing close to a woman. You sound very immature and obnoxious.

LW2: What Squishy said.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#15 Jul 24, 2013
Toj wrote:
L2: Amy is right, there are things you can do. The fact that he didn't try other things first tells me he's not all that into her though.
I agree. There are many things but they haven't even tried.
And he says this "she wants me to be intimate then stay the night" like it's the most horrific thing on the planet.
He sounds like an uncompromising jerk.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#16 Jul 24, 2013
squishymama wrote:
She'll probably fall in love with an orthodox person and end up having 15 babies anyway.
Ha!

As an actual adult, unlike the LW I agree with everyone else...she needs to wait a while before making a permanent decision. However, as a great believer of personal liberty and freedom of choice in one's actions...fuckher...let her get it done now if she wants. If she regrets it later, oh well, lesson learned I guess.
There are already 7+ BILLION people on the planet. If this kid wants to tie her tubes it's not really going to be a big deal. If she lives a life of regret for having done so, it's not going to be a big deal...lots of people have lived sad, solitary lives of regret, pain, and desperation yet the world keeps turning.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#17 Jul 24, 2013
1: 17 year old woman? Uhh, no, you are a child and your idea is childish.

2: Dude, too many fish in the sea to settle for a snorer. Cut your losses and find a quieter sleeper.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#18 Jul 24, 2013
LW1: You obviously have no clue how effing immature and obnoxious you are.
By all means do the planet a favor and don't breed.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#19 Jul 24, 2013
Julie wrote:
LW1: You obviously have no clue how effing immature and obnoxious you are.
By all means do the planet a favor and don't breed.
Immaturity, like stupidity, can be remedied. She may or may not breed but at least she is bringing a mental and rational analysis to the subject. Most people address the question of childbearing either from their gonads or an emotional standpoint, much less reliable for good outcomes IMO.

Query ( not to you personally, but in gemeral)

Why do you want/or did you decide to have kids?
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#20 Jul 24, 2013
PEllen wrote:
)
Why do you want/or did you decide to have kids?
I have always wanted to. A biological drive to reproduce, I guess. I waited until my mid-30s, however, to have my first one because I wasn't ready for them financially and emotionally: I wanted to complete my education first, have a stable career, have a decent income, and the ability to handle parenting on my own if I needed to.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#21 Jul 24, 2013
LW1: When I was 18, I thought I knew everything too. Now, I marvel at how much I don't know. You may or may not change your mind, and there is absolutely nothing wrong or weird about choosing not to have children.(Someone once said, "I love children. I just never wanted to raise any.") All of the posters above are correct about this: You will not find a doctor to sterilize you at your age and probably not until you are over 30. Doctors prefer not to sterilize childless women. Find an effective birth control method for the short term. The Pill works well for many women. Insist that your partner wear a condom as well.

LW2: Has your girlfriend tried any of the new snoring prevention methods? I use the foam earplugs when I travel and they work pretty well. You can get custom fitted ones from a hearing specialist, too.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#22 Jul 24, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Immaturity, like stupidity, can be remedied. She may or may not breed but at least she is bringing a mental and rational analysis to the subject. Most people address the question of childbearing either from their gonads or an emotional standpoint, much less reliable for good outcomes IMO.
Query ( not to you personally, but in gemeral)
Why do you want/or did you decide to have kids?
I always wanted 2 to 3 kids. I believe I was like many people -- you want to have your own family. I wanted a 2 parent, stable household. I waited until I was past my 20s. I did well on the timing, at least. I ended up having one child b/c after that one was born I was well informed that the other parent wasn't so stable. I never wanted to have half-siblings for my kids so I stopped there.

You don't always get your ideal and that's okay. I wasn't thinking I was entitled to my ideal, either.

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