“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Dec 11, 2012
DEAR AMY: I am in the process of reconciling with my ex-husband. There's just one problem standing in the way of our happiness. Both he and our grown daughter don't like the way I express my anger, especially through my tone of voice.

I admit that I get emotional and express it, but I maintain that everyone has emotions and should express them. Other people need to recognize how we feel; otherwise we are always hiding our feelings!

For example, over the Thanksgiving holiday, my ex and I were driving home from a visit to our children. I told him he was going 45 mph on the 65 mph expressway.

He said my tone was nasty. I said I was just telling him the facts, but maybe my tone was a little impatient. I wasn't angry, so what's so terrible about expressing my impatience? I feel they're too touchy and won't allow me to express my feelings. What do you think?-- Emotional

DEAR EMOTIONAL: When the people who know and love you the most tell you the same thing, you have two choices: You can accept their criticism as an opportunity for change and growth, or you can get defensive, duck and cover, and deny the issue.

You have a right to express your emotions, anger and frustration. You even have a right to point out that Mr. Slowpoke is holding up traffic. But you must acknowledge that a person's tone of voice and body language speak volumes. In that vein, I wonder if you have the courage to face a real-life experiment to see yourself the way others see you.

Ask your daughter and her father to imitate how you sound when you're "expressing" yourself. Your job is to record their impersonations, laugh at yourself in the moment and then review the "game film" in private. Ask yourself: Can you authentically and respectfully express your emotions differently?

DEAR AMY: My husband and I own a small rental house, which our daughter and son rent from us. They have one roommate, whom I love. One problem: Her mother bought her a Siberian husky! Originally, I told them no pets allowed. Eventually they all acquired dogs I didn't know about.

The husky is destroying the house and yard. I guess I am partly to blame because I should have watched them more closely. We are looking for new homes for the dogs my kids have, but not the husky.

I am furious about this! What parent buys a dog for a child when she knew no pets were allowed? This dog is not cared for. It is basically wild!

My husband is angry with me and told me to handle it. What a mess.-- The Worst Landlord Ever

DEAR WORST LANDLORD EVER: I hope you saved a little extra scorn for your own offspring, who are either hard of hearing, not paying attention or willingly stepping over your rules because they know that when they do you will act like the Worst Landlord Ever and swoop in to fix a problem that is not yours -- but theirs.

Tell all three tenants that they can find new homes for their dogs or they can find new homes for themselves and their dogs.

If you don't have a lease agreement, draw one up. Insert a "no pets" clause. All tenants -- no matter whom they are related to -- should sign and abide by the lease.

My heart goes out to the poor husky. If it is large, wild and poses a danger to other animals or people, you should contact your local animal control officer.

DEAR AMY: "Sad" is living with a man who drinks at bars several times a week and is obviously an alcoholic.

You were too gentle with her. You should have told her to drag him to an AA meeting or else leave the relationship.-- Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: You cannot drag someone to an AA meeting. You can, however, make choices about what you can and cannot tolerate from your partner. That's where "Sad" needed to start.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Dec 11, 2012
L1: He goes 20 under the speed limit on the freeway? And it's not because of heavy traffic or bad road conditions. Don't marry him. That's a deal breaker for me. Seriously. I dumped a guy for driving like a dipshit that way.

L2: Why is your husband angry with you? That doesn't make sense. Yes, re-home the dogs, but then EVICT all three of those idiots and let them live in the real world with real landlords and real rules.

L3: LW3, you are an idiot and you know NOTHING about addiction and recovery. You don't drag an addict to an AA meeting. It won't work. The person has to want to stop and want to get help.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Dec 11, 2012
1 Face it your a beyotch! I agree, have them record you, then play it back and you will see what an ass you are.

2 So your kids break the rules, and its only bad, but when another tenant does it, your all over their sheit! Husky's are not typical mutts, they have their own brain and are not wired towards pleasing humans. The human has to learn the dog. But it is a shame for the animal.

3 Yes, drag him into AA cause he has already admitted he has a problem, and has decided he cant handle it on his own and that he needs an intervention.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#4 Dec 11, 2012
1 You are a pure-dee catch! I'm sure men are lining up in anticipation that you'll be on the market again soon!

2 Grow pair and reclaim your property (and dignity).

3 I got nothin' for this dead horse.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Dec 11, 2012
L1: You better learn to change or find another mate.

L2: Why are you blaming the mother? It's all three of the renters, two of which are related to you. Do a "Cease and Desist" order (5-day notice) if you have a lease. If you don't have a written lease, email them and get them to agree that it was against your rules and was agreed to verbally not to have pets. Then do your 5-day notice.

L3: Anyone suddenly want a drink?:)

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Dec 11, 2012
LW1: Tone can make all the difference sometimes and I agree with your ex-husband and daughter.

Arguments are going to happen sometimes with any couple, and I think it's hard during one of those to not convey how upset you are in part through tone, but day in and day out use of negative tones for trivial matters, would wear on most people to the point where it could ruin a good relationship.

Instead of being all defensive, if you do that, you should say, you know what, you are right, and I am sorry. Then work on it.

LW2: Just step back and realize for a moment that you let them break the rules and are now complaining about it.

LW3: You can't make folks go to AA meetings if they don't want to and don't think they have a problem.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Dec 11, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: Tone can make all the difference sometimes and I agree with your ex-husband and daughter.
Arguments are going to happen sometimes with any couple, and I think it's hard during one of those to not convey how upset you are in part through tone, but day in and day out use of negative tones for trivial matters, would wear on most people to the point where it could ruin a good relationship.
Instead of being all defensive, if you do that, you should say, you know what, you are right, and I am sorry. Then work on it.
Perfect response.

My ex was an idiot (being an alcoholic made his brain fuzzy). I had to put labels on his dresser drawers and kitchen cabinets because he couldn't remember where anything was or where to put it away.

SO w/ my first boyfriend after my divorce, he said to me one day, "You know, you can tell me that like i'm not an idiot." Ouch. I absolutely stopped with that tone then and there.

Then the other day, I snapped at Nick who was wrong about which street I needed to take. Then I said, "Oh, I guess I could have said that with out the snotty tone in my v oice." NIck: "Yes, you could have." (but he said that to be funny, even though I had used a bad tone of voice)

I think that's twice in 10 years. That first boyfriend who said something had a real effect on me.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#8 Dec 11, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: Tone can make all the difference sometimes and I agree with your ex-husband and daughter.
Arguments are going to happen sometimes with any couple, and I think it's hard during one of those to not convey how upset you are in part through tone, but day in and day out use of negative tones for trivial matters, would wear on most people to the point where it could ruin a good relationship.
Instead of being all defensive, if you do that, you should say, you know what, you are right, and I am sorry. Then work on it.
LW2: Just step back and realize for a moment that you let them break the rules and are now complaining about it.
LW3: You can't make folks go to AA meetings if they don't want to and don't think they have a problem.
L1's letter comes across as someone I would not want to spend time with.
From a purely practical standpoint, nonverbal communication is a huge factor.

Read a play and then go see if performed and teh matter will be quite clear.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Dec 11, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Perfect response.
My ex was an idiot (being an alcoholic made his brain fuzzy). I had to put labels on his dresser drawers and kitchen cabinets because he couldn't remember where anything was or where to put it away.
SO w/ my first boyfriend after my divorce, he said to me one day, "You know, you can tell me that like i'm not an idiot." Ouch. I absolutely stopped with that tone then and there.
Then the other day, I snapped at Nick who was wrong about which street I needed to take. Then I said, "Oh, I guess I could have said that with out the snotty tone in my v oice." NIck: "Yes, you could have." (but he said that to be funny, even though I had used a bad tone of voice)
I think that's twice in 10 years. That first boyfriend who said something had a real effect on me.
Bambi and I have both done it before, but we call each other out on it, and if that happens, we usually say, you know you are right or it leads to a more in depth discussion about something that may be bothering one of us. Then we talk about it and work it out.

Sometimes just acknowledging the other person's beef (or maybe you both acknowledge that you each have a legitimate beef ... maybe the person's tone wasn't the best, but maybe there is some underlying issue that caused them to use that tone even if they could have gone about it in a better way), saying you are sorry, and promising to work on it (and actually doing so), is the thing to do.

Some people can't do this. There is this need to be perfect, never acknowledge a mistake they've made, and instead of doing what you should do, i.e. apologize, they dig in there feet. I really think how a couple handles disagreements makes or breaks a relationship. It's easy for things to work out when things are going good, but that's not always going to be the case.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#10 Dec 11, 2012
Sometimes, a snotty tone is necessary. Like when somebody is trying to get you killed on the highway by going 20 under the speed limit.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Dec 11, 2012
dig in their heels, I meant, lol.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#12 Dec 11, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
L1's letter comes across as someone I would not want to spend time with.
From a purely practical standpoint, nonverbal communication is a huge factor.
Read a play and then go see if performed and teh matter will be quite clear.
I agree. In addition to the tone issue, she sounds like someone who always has to be right.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#13 Dec 11, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
Sometimes, a snotty tone is necessary. Like when somebody is trying to get you killed on the highway by going 20 under the speed limit.
I don't think I'd use snotty, though. I'd use ANGRY tone. "WtF are you DOING?"

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#14 Dec 11, 2012
LW1: Please believe what your loved ones are telling you, even if you can't see it.

This person sounds like my mother. She often says helpful things that sound like an insult because of her tone of voice. We end up bickering a lot.

LW2: You are not the Worst Landlord Ever; mine are in the running for that award and you come nowhere close. You are, however, wishy-washy and need to learn to enforce your rules.

Poor dogs.

LW3: Nice how Amy prints a letter from an idiot to make herself look superior.
Sam I Am

Cedar Grove, TN

#15 Dec 11, 2012
1. Sounds like you have a habit of going right to bitch mode. Why don't you try the words nicely first, then add the tone if you feel you have to? Never mind, just leave them alone, you're all going to make each other miserable. Also, I feel like the LW used the slow driving thing because she thought others would sympathize. I am guessing she uses the same tone for what most of us would view as non-offenses.

2. No, they are to blame, they knowingly broker the rules and it is having real consequences. Given them 30 days and make clear they are paying for any damages. This is not inconsequential. And your husband is a spineless ass for not backing you up.

3. He should switch to marijuana, it's not addictive.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#17 Dec 11, 2012
Sam I Am wrote:
Also, I feel like the LW used the slow driving thing because she thought others would sympathize. I am guessing she uses the same tone for what most of us would view as non-offenses.
Good point.

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