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1 - 17 of 17 Comments Last updated Jun 11, 2013

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#1
Jun 11, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for as long as I can remember. My husband died from a drug overdose, and I am a widow at 32. He was a good man before the drugs, but he wouldn't stop and I was helpless to intervene. I am now raising our two sons alone.

My problem is my brother is headed down the same road, and I don't know how to help him. I don't have the money to send him to rehab, and he doesn't think he has a problem. He has lost his job, has no vehicle and is losing what friends he has left.

I don't want to turn my back on him or lose him the way I lost my husband. I know he needs rehab or therapy, but with the lack of funds I don't know where to turn. Furthermore, how do I explain this to my 9- and 10-year-old sons? The most influential man in their life is setting a terrible example.-- CAN'T TURN AWAY FROM MY BROTHER

DEAR CAN'T TURN AWAY: If seeing your husband die from an overdose wasn't enough to convince your brother it was time to get into a substance abuse program, then nothing you can do will. There are two things that are more important in your life than he is, and those are your two sons. A narcotics addict destroying his life is a very poor role model.

Your boys are old enough to know how dangerous drugs are and that they caused the premature death of their father. Do not permit them to be in the presence of anyone who is abusing drugs and spiraling downward, or they will grow into adolescence thinking it is normal. Your brother is the only person who can help himself get back on his feet, no matter how much you might wish it were otherwise.

DEAR ABBY: I don't understand divorced women and the restrictions they put on their exes about what they can and can't do with their children.("You can't let him go to the pool party; he might drown"; "She can't visit with your mother; she has a cat"; "Don't make him rake leaves; that's your job!") Instead, they should be grateful these fathers are active parts of their children's lives. Too many fathers simply walk away. Unless the dad is actively harming the child, they have no right to dictate what their ex does with his kids on his time.

Remember, ladies, you made a baby with him. He is their dad and he has every right to parent as he sees fit, even if it differs from your own philosophy. And dads, don't let your ex try to tell you that you are a bad parent because you let your kid go roller skating and she broke her arm. It is not your fault. Things like that happen all the time, even to kids whose parents are still together. So stand up for your right to be a real dad!-- UNSYMPATHETIC MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR MOM: If I were you, I'd keep my head down and not get caught in the crossfire. It's not that you lack sympathy, but you obviously don't relate to the women you hear complain. While some of them may seem controlling or hyper-protective, others may have valid concerns about their children's safety while they're with Dad.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#2
Jun 11, 2013
 
1- Way to give absolutely no advice whatsoever, Abby.
LW, try an intervention.

2- Screw you, Abby!! The LW has very valid points. To think that men can't be trusted with their own children shows your man-hating again!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#3
Jun 11, 2013
 

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1.EDog nailed it. Aren't there some publicly funded programs? Can't she call teh cops and get him arrested and then he is forced into drug rehab...although if he found out who ratted on him she might be in some peril.

2.Dog- it's not a dad who wrote in, it's a neighbor lady. You have been around long enough to know that divorce does not stop family conflict and that a lot of ex's especially women try to control with a threat of a court order what they could not control in a marriage-- and the ex husband pushes back using the kids. It goes both ways. It's not man hating.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#4
Jun 11, 2013
 

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1 Nice way to just admonish the LW and offer nothing in the way of advise.

2 Great, even when a WOMAN says something in defense of men, its still the man who gets bashed for it! Of course dads make terrible parents (unless their under the control of their wife that is) if not for the woman, the dad might take the bungy jumping, or hang gliding or maybe just chuck them over Niagara falls, cause dads are stupid that way.

I hope you get reincarnated as a man, and marry a woman like yourself.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#5
Jun 11, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
2.Dog- it's not a dad who wrote in, it's a neighbor lady. You have been around long enough to know that divorce does not stop family conflict and that a lot of ex's especially women try to control with a threat of a court order what they could not control in a marriage-- and the ex husband pushes back using the kids. It goes both ways. It's not man hating.
I'm aware of who wrote in, thanks. It IS man-hating because Abby is justifying the controlling actions of the women because the men can't be trusted with their children.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#6
Jun 11, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
1.EDog nailed it. Aren't there some publicly funded programs? Can't she call teh cops and get him arrested and then he is forced into drug rehab...although if he found out who ratted on him she might be in some peril.
Problem with this is that no amount of rehab will work unless he WANTS to quit.

LW2: So it was bad when I told my ex he couldn't leave my 9 yo home alone at 8:30 at night so he could go down the block and party with his buddy? Drat.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

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#7
Jun 11, 2013
 
LW1 - Wow. That's some messed up environment you live in.

LW2 - They should be *grateful* that fathers did not simply walk away after a divorce? Wow. I understand the disapproval of control freaks, but to suggest that a divorced parent should be *grateful* for the normal behavior of the other parent is a bit much.

As for taking umbrage at the suggestion that not all fathers can be trusted with their own children - pshaw. It depends on the father. Some mothers can't be trusted with their own children either. It's not a gender thing. Some people are just messed up (see LW1).

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#8
Jun 11, 2013
 
Stina wrote:
<quoted text>
Problem with this is that no amount of rehab will work unless he WANTS to quit.
LW2: So it was bad when I told my ex he couldn't leave my 9 yo home alone at 8:30 at night so he could go down the block and party with his buddy? Drat.
And I guess when I complained when my ex left his infant son in the car alone sleeping while he went into the store, I shouldn't have said anything.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#9
Jun 11, 2013
 
Cass wrote:
LW1 - Wow. That's some messed up environment you live in.
LW2 - They should be *grateful* that fathers did not simply walk away after a divorce? Wow. I understand the disapproval of control freaks, but to suggest that a divorced parent should be *grateful* for the normal behavior of the other parent is a bit much.
As for taking umbrage at the suggestion that not all fathers can be trusted with their own children - pshaw. It depends on the father. Some mothers can't be trusted with their own children either. It's not a gender thing. Some people are just messed up (see LW1).
ITA.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#10
Jun 11, 2013
 
Stina wrote:
LW2: So it was bad when I told my ex he couldn't leave my 9 yo home alone at 8:30 at night so he could go down the block and party with his buddy? Drat.
Toj wrote:
And I guess when I complained when my ex left his infant son in the car alone sleeping while he went into the store, I shouldn't have said anything.
These aren't the issues the LW is talking about.

THESE are:

"You can't let him go to the pool party; he might drown"; "She can't visit with your mother; she has a cat"; "Don't make him rake leaves; that's your job!"

Most grown men don't need to be treated like children.

A few weeks ago, my one sister was babysitting my nephews and had to leave for a few hours for a dinner party, so I went over to fill in. As soon as I get there, she starts up with "Now make sure they do this, and make sure they don't do that, and make sure too...."

I'm like, "hey... HEY...! I think I can manage, thanks."

I didn't listen to a word she said and what do ya know? Hark! Everything was just fine! Give us some credit, ladies.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#11
Jun 11, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
<quoted text>
Give us some credit, ladies.
Nah. Don't feel like it today.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#12
Jun 11, 2013
 
Stina wrote:
Nah. Don't feel like it today.
Man-haters! The whole lot of ya!
:p

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#13
Jun 11, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
<quoted text>
These aren't the issues the LW is talking about.
THESE are:
"You can't let him go to the pool party; he might drown"; "She can't visit with your mother; she has a cat"; "Don't make him rake leaves; that's your job!"
Most grown men don't need to be treated like children.
A few weeks ago, my one sister was babysitting my nephews and had to leave for a few hours for a dinner party, so I went over to fill in. As soon as I get there, she starts up with "Now make sure they do this, and make sure they don't do that, and make sure too...."
I'm like, "hey... HEY...! I think I can manage, thanks."
I didn't listen to a word she said and what do ya know? Hark! Everything was just fine! Give us some credit, ladies.
My point was not to make a blanket statement that all ex-husbands are great dads. Not all ex-wives nor all ex-husbands are great parents.

You're not trying to make a blanket statement either, are you? You think all men are great dads?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#14
Jun 11, 2013
 

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Toj wrote:
My point was not to make a blanket statement that all ex-husbands are great dads. Not all ex-wives nor all ex-husbands are great parents.
You're not trying to make a blanket statement either, are you? You think all men are great dads?
Don't use blanket statements and hyperbole to try to cover your @zz. Abby attempted the same thing: "Yeah, SOME women may be.... BUUUTTT, surely a lot of the men...."

She was man-bashing and trying to be subtle. Sounds like she's saying that while there may be ex husbands who are great dads, they are the exception and not the rule. And it sounds like you might agree?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#15
Jun 11, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Don't use blanket statements and hyperbole to try to cover your @zz. Abby attempted the same thing: "Yeah, SOME women may be.... BUUUTTT, surely a lot of the men...."
She was man-bashing and trying to be subtle. Sounds like she's saying that while there may be ex husbands who are great dads, they are the exception and not the rule. And it sounds like you might agree?
You are soooooooo funny! Here I say that I dislike blanket statements so you then accuse me of using a blanket statmeent.

Do you read the actual posts ever and try to understand what people are trying to say or do you prefer to accuse people of things you pull from the air?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#16
Jun 11, 2013
 
Toj wrote:
You are soooooooo funny! Here I say that I dislike blanket statements so you then accuse me of using a blanket statmeent.
Do you read the actual posts ever and try to understand what people are trying to say or do you prefer to accuse people of things you pull from the air?
Look who's talking. I never accused you of making a blanket statement. I was pointing out your "are you saying it's an all or nothing?" approach. Do you read the actual posts ever and try to understand what people are trying to say or do you prefer to accuse people of things you pull from the air? Nice attempt at deflection. FAIL!

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#17
Jun 11, 2013
 

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Tonka -- where are you when we need some logic here. Am I losing my reading and comprehension capability? I don't think so.
Eh, it's getting late. I'll look at this another time.

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