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21 - 40 of 64 Comments Last updated Mar 10, 2013
pde

Schaumburg, IL

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#22
Mar 7, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
That's mere speculation.
He's 1000 miles away and gone for 6 months at a stretch. It's most likely oil or coal work. As there are rigs for oil, there are also still what are basically migrant towns for inland oil work and coal mining. Nobody wants to move their families there.

(Since it's only 1000 mile commute, I don't think it's civilian military contracting, which is what my BIL does. He's been doing six-month stretches in the green zone. Six months here, six months there.)
EJG

Wallingford, CT

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#23
Mar 7, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
DEAR AMY: My son's wife has finally decided (after three years of trying to have a baby) that she just doesn't want to be a parent.
She refuses to adopt (she can't conceive) and my son is torn, because he does want a family. She now thinks their marriage is in jeopardy. Both are 32 and have been married for six years.
My concern is we can't seem to get her to have a conversation about why she doesn't want to be a parent. Any advice you can share for two young adults with this dilemma?-- Lost Grandpa
DEAR GRANDPA: My first recommendation is for you. This is a highly painful, personal (and for many people, private) topic. Your son is confiding in you, which is great, but your reaction to him should be circumspect.
"We" -- meaning you, alongside your son (and possibly other family members)-- should not be initiating conversations with your daughter-in-law about why she "doesn't want to be a parent." You should not pressure her to make a choice (or even discuss this if she doesn't want to).
This crisis should be mediated by someone who does not have a personal stake. Signing your letter "Lost Grandpa" tells me you are viewing this through the prism of what it means to you (being a grandparent). A family therapist with expertise in this extremely challenging issue will help your son and his wife.
You should continue to actively emotionally support your son and be a champion for their marriage. But you should not mediate this issue unless both the husband and the wife come to you and ask for your input.
At least LW1 signed himself accurately. He is lost alright, and for the sake of his son and DIL, he should stat that way permanently, before he worsens an already painful situation. He is crossing a lot of important boundaries here and needs to take "Amy's" advice now!!
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#24
Mar 7, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I thought it was because of Peggy Bundy. She liked to eat bon bons, sit on the couch, and watch day time tv, while Al slaved away at the shoe store, lol.
THat's EXACTLY what I think of!!!
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#25
Mar 7, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: MYOB
LW2: I donít think counseling can make you physically attracted to someone you are not. IF that were the case gays could see a therapist and become straight.
I would say maybe she should lose some weight and that each partner owes it to the other to at least try to stay attractive, but it occurs to me that one day your wife is going to be a 60 or 70 year old woman and will likely be even less physically attractive than she is now. What will you do then, ask her to put a bag over her head?
Maybe she should find someone who loves her and who is attracted to her because of the complete package. I guess I should consider myself lucky in that I will always be attracted to my wife regardless of 50 pounds, age, and things like that.
THIS.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#26
Mar 7, 2013
 

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squishymama wrote:
My original point stands; the LW did not give us enough information.
I am not picking on you, I am calling you out on an opinion I cannot understand. I do it to everybody so quit trying to make yourself a martyr. There is plenty of information. Whether or not she had a kid is completely and totally irrelevant to the lw's conundrum.

For the sake of argument, let's say that yes, she did have a kid. Now what? Would that mean the LW doesn't have a valid concern? Suppose it's the opposite and there are no kids. Would that change anything? I'm not following your train of thought on this one. Why would kids matter?
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#27
Mar 7, 2013
 
LW2: If you don't make an effort to eat healthy and get some exercise, you will gain weight as you age. Women are particularly vulnerable to this because our bodies are less muscular. However, 50 lbs in "a couple of years" seems very unusual.

I invite LW to go to the mall and do a bit of people watching. Notice how many people, particularly women, are overweight. Notice also how many of them are with their thinner husbands. LW, if you were physically attracted to your wife before she gained the weight, surely there is some feature of hers that you still find attractive. Maybe she has lovely skin, or beautiful eyes, or a smile that brightens your day. Focus on that. And take her out dancing.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#28
Mar 7, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I am not picking on you, I am calling you out on an opinion I cannot understand. I do it to everybody so quit trying to make yourself a martyr. There is plenty of information. Whether or not she had a kid is completely and totally irrelevant to the lw's conundrum.
For the sake of argument, let's say that yes, she did have a kid. Now what? Would that mean the LW doesn't have a valid concern? Suppose it's the opposite and there are no kids. Would that change anything? I'm not following your train of thought on this one. Why would kids matter?
I'll be a martyr if I damn well feel like it!
:D

OK, for the sake of argument:

Scenario I: They have a child/children.

Having children plays havoc with your body. And please don't throw the example of Heidi Klum or any other famous, rich skinny mom at me; they are not the norm.

Having children eats up your time; time that you used to spend working out or going on long runs with your husband. There's double the laundry, double the dishes, double the mess.

If the mother works, that's even less time to devote to fitness. There's travel time between home/work/daycare that sucks up even more time.

And by the time she is done taking care of everyone else in the family, she is exhausted and falls asleep every night at 9.

Scenario II: No kids

She has plenty of time to devote to fitness, even if she works.

She is just lazy or she has a medical problem.

See the difference?

Since: Jan 10

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#29
Mar 7, 2013
 
L1: OMG. I understand having a loving close family, but I don't see how her decision is ANY of your freaking business. Butt out, leave her alone, be there to support both of them. If your son ends his marraige because she can't incubate a baby, then I have no respect for him.

L2: I'm going to channel dan svage and tell you to tell her how you feel. Be honest. She deserves to know how you feel and to decide whether it's a reason to change her lifestyle, or to say "sorry, I yam what I yam" and move along. I know I"m in the minority when I support the side of the spouse who's no longer attracted to a very overweight spouse (and I do think 50 pounds is a lot).(FWIW, my preference in men is one that favors overweight men over slender men.)

L3: Well that works for you. I don't know that i have the stuff to withstand a LDR.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#30
Mar 7, 2013
 
Read again, not only cant she conceive, she does not want to adopt either! If this guy has it in his plans to be a dad, that can be a deal breaker.
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: OMG. I understand having a loving close family, but I don't see how her decision is ANY of your freaking business. Butt out, leave her alone, be there to support both of them. If your son ends his marraige because she can't incubate a baby, then I have no respect for him.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#31
Mar 7, 2013
 

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RACE wrote:
Read again, not only cant she conceive, she does not want to adopt either! If this guy has it in his plans to be a dad, that can be a deal breaker.
<quoted text>
Still none of the guy's parent's business.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#32
Mar 7, 2013
 

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Thank you for not addressing my point.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Still none of the guy's parent's business.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#33
Mar 7, 2013
 
Regarding L2: The bottom line is that we don't have enough info. The LW didn't give ANY context to his wife's weight gain, be it from kids, an accident that prevents her from working out, laziness, or something else.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#34
Mar 7, 2013
 
Kuuipo wrote:
LW2: If you don't make an effort to eat healthy and get some exercise, you will gain weight as you age. Women are particularly vulnerable to this because our bodies are less muscular. However, 50 lbs in "a couple of years" seems very unusual.
I invite LW to go to the mall and do a bit of people watching. Notice how many people, particularly women, are overweight. Notice also how many of them are with their thinner husbands..
This is a long standing issue. With no snark whatsoever, thinkof teh nursery rhyme, Jack Sprat would eat no fat, his wife would eat no lean.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#35
Mar 7, 2013
 
ok, I was not clear on my point. I was addressing the last sentence. My bad.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Still none of the guy's parent's business.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#36
Mar 7, 2013
 

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RACE wrote:
Thank you for not addressing my point.
<quoted text>
I would imagine it could very well be a deal breaker. However, it was the guy's father that wrote in, not the husband nor the wife (a/k/a non-breeders).

Since: Jan 10

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#37
Mar 7, 2013
 
Yup, he has every right to *try* to be a father. But if he ends his marriage b/c he wants to find a woman who can do that with him, then I think he's a shit. Having a baby became more important than the woman he loves?

Since: Jan 10

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#38
Mar 7, 2013
 
also, good luck adopting. There's a long waiting list for infants and children under the age of two. and they rule people out for all kinds of things (a friend's friend was deemed "too overweight" so wasn't allowed to adopt an infant -- he was 'overweight' because of the meds he was on after having cancer, which rendered him sterile). So "adopt!" isn't that easy.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#39
Mar 7, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Yup, he has every right to *try* to be a father. But if he ends his marriage b/c he wants to find a woman who can do that with him, then I think he's a shit. Having a baby became more important than the woman he loves?
Let's take her infertility out of this. Would you feel the same way if he got married under the pretense of having a family(and she was on board with the game plan) but then 2 years in, she decided she changed her mind and no longer wanted to have children? Not saying the 2 situations are equal, but would you be ok with him calling it quits under those circumstances?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#40
Mar 7, 2013
 
This is my point. If they planned on having a family, and not she does not want one...
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Let's take her infertility out of this. Would you feel the same way if he got married under the pretense of having a family(and she was on board with the game plan) but then 2 years in, she decided she changed her mind and no longer wanted to have children? Not saying the 2 situations are equal, but would you be ok with him calling it quits under those circumstances?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#41
Mar 7, 2013
 
You call it having a baby, but others call it having a family, and yeah, I think that is a valid reason if that was the plan. The fact that she is not considering any alternatives strikes me as suspect on her attempts to become preggers. Maybe she is really on some contraceptive.
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Yup, he has every right to *try* to be a father. But if he ends his marriage b/c he wants to find a woman who can do that with him, then I think he's a shit. Having a baby became more important than the woman he loves?

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