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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 7, 2013
DEAR AMY: My son's wife has finally decided (after three years of trying to have a baby) that she just doesn't want to be a parent.

She refuses to adopt (she can't conceive) and my son is torn, because he does want a family. She now thinks their marriage is in jeopardy. Both are 32 and have been married for six years.

My concern is we can't seem to get her to have a conversation about why she doesn't want to be a parent. Any advice you can share for two young adults with this dilemma?-- Lost Grandpa

DEAR GRANDPA: My first recommendation is for you. This is a highly painful, personal (and for many people, private) topic. Your son is confiding in you, which is great, but your reaction to him should be circumspect.

"We" -- meaning you, alongside your son (and possibly other family members)-- should not be initiating conversations with your daughter-in-law about why she "doesn't want to be a parent." You should not pressure her to make a choice (or even discuss this if she doesn't want to).

This crisis should be mediated by someone who does not have a personal stake. Signing your letter "Lost Grandpa" tells me you are viewing this through the prism of what it means to you (being a grandparent). A family therapist with expertise in this extremely challenging issue will help your son and his wife.

You should continue to actively emotionally support your son and be a champion for their marriage. But you should not mediate this issue unless both the husband and the wife come to you and ask for your input.

DEAR AMY: I am an active, physically fit 42-year-old man. I have always been an active person and married a lady 10 years ago who at the time was in shape and active too.

Over time my 40-year-old wife has lost interest in things we used to do together. She has gained 50 pounds over the past couple of years. She's the same great lady I fell in love with, but I am no longer sexually attracted to her.

Don't waste your breath with the "shallow" lecture -- I understand that. But the fact remains that her weight is a sexual problem for me.

Would counseling help me? I love her and would never leave the marriage over this, but I want a rewarding sex life also. Help!-- Shallow in Denver

DEAR SHALLOW: Because you have self-identified as "shallow," I will proclaim you to be otherwise. Shallow is: "You're fat. I don't love you because you're fat. I'm leaving you to be a backup dancer for Beyonce." That's not you.

You are also overly generous (perhaps) to assume that counseling for you will somehow cure your physical aversion to your wife.

Your wife has lost interest in activities that she used to enjoy. She put on a lot of weight in a relatively short amount of time. My armchair analysis is that she may have a medical problem and you should encourage her to see a physician to have a thorough checkup. She may have undiagnosed thyroid problems, depression, or a myriad of other issues.

Beyond that, marriage counseling will help you both to communicate about this, and to do so in a way that is kind and compassionate, and with respectful regard to your sexual desires -- and your relationship. If couples counseling isn't helping, you could see a therapist with expertise in dealing with men at midlife.

DEAR AMY: "Distant Dad" wondered how to handle a long-distance relationship with his young children.

My husband has a 1,000-mile "commute." He left in December and will hopefully be back by summer. We've been doing this for six years. Video calls are where my son first learned to wave "hi" and "bye."

It is hard for him, but welcome in today's economy. On the plus side, at least we are still married. I hope that soon he can move back home, and we can go back to being boring again.-- Anne Marie

DEAR ANNE MARIE: Your commitment and coping skills are impressive; thank you for demonstrating that a strong family can leap great distances.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Mar 7, 2013
1 MYOB, Nothing good can come of this.

2 Buy a stripper pole and put it in the bedroom. Then tell her if she dont use it, you will find someone who will.

Oh, and I dont want to hear any noise about how guys get fat and lady's deal because we all know that fat guys are still sexy, thats why girls become strippers so that they can have fat guys watch them undress, cause they like it.

3 I wish this rehash would take a 1000 mile trip.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Mar 7, 2013
LW1: Amy's intern nailed it

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#4 Mar 7, 2013
LW1: The intern nailed it.

Lw2: You don't mention if she's had any babies. I can't form any opinions without knowing that.

Lw3: Yeah yeah.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#5 Mar 7, 2013
1- Yeah, the family should all get together for an intervention and and demand this woman become a mother.
<eye roll>
BUTT OUT!

2- Talk to your wife.

3- I can't understand a man taking a job a thousand miles away and not bring his family with him. And don't give me the "well the kids have friends and wife loves her job and house is underwater" crap. If they can afford to keep two houses, they can afford to keep one. None of the other excuses matter.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#6 Mar 7, 2013
squishymama wrote:
Lw2: You don't mention if she's had any babies. I can't form any opinions without knowing that.
I don't see why that is the least bit relevant.

Having babies is no excuse to let oneself go.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Mar 7, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't see why that is the least bit relevant.
Having babies is no excuse to let oneself go.
What, are you picking on me today?

Of course it makes a difference. If she's had no children and just sits around and eats bon-bons then it's about her motivation or lack thereof.

If she's cranked out 3 babies in 5 years, that takes a toll on the body and motivation. Not a lot of time to go for a long run with your husband if you've worked all day and then have to come home and take care of a bunch of kids (while your husband goes out on a nice long run). She could have let herself go because he's an unhelpful azz around the house and spends his "free time" working out, leaving her totally alone to care for the house and kids.

We have no idea, because the LW didn't give us enough information. Which was the point of my original post.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#8 Mar 7, 2013
Yeah, oil rigs have lots of room for families, as do fishing boats, cruise ships, and combat deployment.
edogxxx wrote:
3- I can't understand a man taking a job a thousand miles away and not bring his family with him. And don't give me the "well the kids have friends and wife loves her job and house is underwater" crap. If they can afford to keep two houses, they can afford to keep one. None of the other excuses matter.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Mar 7, 2013
LW1: MYOB

LW2: I donít think counseling can make you physically attracted to someone you are not. IF that were the case gays could see a therapist and become straight.

I would say maybe she should lose some weight and that each partner owes it to the other to at least try to stay attractive, but it occurs to me that one day your wife is going to be a 60 or 70 year old woman and will likely be even less physically attractive than she is now. What will you do then, ask her to put a bag over her head?

Maybe she should find someone who loves her and who is attracted to her because of the complete package. I guess I should consider myself lucky in that I will always be attracted to my wife regardless of 50 pounds, age, and things like that.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Mar 7, 2013
Obviously you do, lol!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 Mar 7, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
What, are you picking on me today?
Of course it makes a difference. If she's had no children and just sits around and eats bon-bons then it's about her motivation or lack thereof.
If she's cranked out 3 babies in 5 years, that takes a toll on the body and motivation. Not a lot of time to go for a long run with your husband if you've worked all day and then have to come home and take care of a bunch of kids (while your husband goes out on a nice long run). She could have let herself go because he's an unhelpful azz around the house and spends his "free time" working out, leaving her totally alone to care for the house and kids.
We have no idea, because the LW didn't give us enough information. Which was the point of my original post.
Squishy is right.

I have been on my diet for 10 weeks now and although my numbers say I am within a pound or two of where I was 29 years ago whenwe got married, things have shifted and changed. Age and kids do that. My husband works out and is a soccer ref. Things have moved around on him too.

That being said, I like to think I am a foodie, but I do not think I would know a bon bon if it came up and bit me as opposed to vice versa.

Anyone have any idea where that stereotype started?(Don't tell me th butler did it.)
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#13 Mar 7, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
That being said, I like to think I am a foodie, but I do not think I would know a bon bon if it came up and bit me as opposed to vice versa.
A bon bon is basically some sweet interior with a thin layer of chocolate over it (in the US). You know, like the "fancy" boxes of Russell Stover Candies which are sold at Walgreens and the like.

I've always wondered if the stereotype was bound up in the fanciful advertising images of 1950s husbands bringing home boxes of candies to their dutiful wives. The wives would then be eating bon bons.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Mar 7, 2013
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
A bon bon is basically some sweet interior with a thin layer of chocolate over it (in the US). You know, like the "fancy" boxes of Russell Stover Candies which are sold at Walgreens and the like.
I've always wondered if the stereotype was bound up in the fanciful advertising images of 1950s husbands bringing home boxes of candies to their dutiful wives. The wives would then be eating bon bons.
I thought it went back to the 1920's with a plump bountious lady in a neglige on a couch eating bon bons, reading a novel and being nothing but decorative.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Mar 7, 2013
L1: Right on, Amy!

L2: Amy's right -- counselling would help you both to better communicate.

L3: Yes, mutt -- there's plenty of jobs and careers where taking the family just wouldn't work.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Mar 7, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>I thought it went back to the 1920's with a plump bountious lady in a neglige on a couch eating bon bons, reading a novel and being nothing but decorative.
I thought it was because of Peggy Bundy. She liked to eat bon bons, sit on the couch, and watch day time tv, while Al slaved away at the shoe store, lol.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Cedar Grove, TN

#17 Mar 7, 2013
1. Butt. The frick. Out. "We" don't have to do anything. "We" have to keep out traps shut and realize this isn't about "we," it's about them, and them gets to work this out.

2. Get this worked out while you still can. This is the kind of thing that can fester, resentment creeps in, then you rationalize cheating. Nip this in the bud.

3.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#18 Mar 7, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
What, are you picking on me today?
Of course it makes a difference. If she's had no children and just sits around and eats bon-bons then it's about her motivation or lack thereof.
If she's cranked out 3 babies in 5 years, that takes a toll on the body and motivation. Not a lot of time to go for a long run with your husband if you've worked all day and then have to come home and take care of a bunch of kids (while your husband goes out on a nice long run). She could have let herself go because he's an unhelpful azz around the house and spends his "free time" working out, leaving her totally alone to care for the house and kids.
We have no idea, because the LW didn't give us enough information. Which was the point of my original post.
Now her weight gain is the man's fault?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#19 Mar 7, 2013
RACE wrote:
Yeah, oil rigs have lots of room for families, as do fishing boats, cruise ships, and combat deployment.
<quoted text>
That's mere speculation.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#20 Mar 7, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Now her weight gain is the man's fault?
I sat here for a few minutes trying to formulate a witty response to your blatant attempt to draw me into a rediculous argument. But I came to the conclusion that whatever I say, you will try and make me bad and wrong for my opinion. You will never give any other point of view, you will just ask questions that imply that I am bad and wrong for my point of view.

My original point stands; the LW did not give us enough information.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#21 Mar 7, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Now her weight gain is the man's fault?
Read carefully. It's the kids' fault.:D

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