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Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#21 May 1, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
I agree with you and RACE on this. The mom is totally enabling the daughter. The daughter won't be raising this baby, the mom and stepdad will be and I think that's why he's freaking out. So, yeah, I think they need to have a serious sit-down about this and a realistic talk about what's best for the baby. I agree that adoption IS the best, but I don't believe it can be forced. Emma needs to understand the implications on her education, her future, the liklihood that this child won't have a daddy in its life (baby daddy probably won't stick around), how much it costs to raise a child, how she'll never have her private time or time to be a kid. I don't blame him for not wanting to wake up for feedings, etc. and have to raise another child because his wife and daughter have their heads in the clouds. But he made a committment to them, so I guess he has to suck it up. That poor baby, though.
I'd like more information about what the mother said to the daughter. The fact that the mother will allow her to have the baby at the house doesn't mean she's taking on the responsibility. The letter doesn't speak to any of the details, only that the inlaws are siding with thier son (the dad) and he's ready to leave the house over it. Without knowing the man, him wanting to leave his family over this instead of trying other avenues grates on me.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#22 May 1, 2014
From the letter....
After having several conversations with our son, we know that he is extraordinarily unhappy and is considering leaving his wife.

It does not say that "This is making him unhappy", rather that he is very unhappy in general.
I took this to mean that this incident is just one of many that are contributing to his unhappiness.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I'd like more information about what the mother said to the daughter. The fact that the mother will allow her to have the baby at the house doesn't mean she's taking on the responsibility. The letter doesn't speak to any of the details, only that the inlaws are siding with thier son (the dad) and he's ready to leave the house over it. Without knowing the man, him wanting to leave his family over this instead of trying other avenues grates on me.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#23 May 1, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I'd like more information about what the mother said to the daughter. The fact that the mother will allow her to have the baby at the house doesn't mean she's taking on the responsibility. The letter doesn't speak to any of the details, only that the inlaws are siding with thier son (the dad) and he's ready to leave the house over it. Without knowing the man, him wanting to leave his family over this instead of trying other avenues grates on me.
Certainly you can see possibilities from his pov too, right? Perhaps he has keen insight into hiw irresponsible she is. Bought her a puppy that she was supposed to care for, yet he ended up doing all the work and he sees a grander scale repeat coming with the impending child. At greater cost, emotionally, financially, timewise. He's approaching the finish line of raising children and is not keen on starting the race again.

Speaking of cost, how does that work with insurance? My kids are onmy wife's insurance. I don't recall an option to insure my granskids.

Perhaps he sees all the negative they are ignoring and views adoption as the escape hatch, whereas they are burying their heads in the sand to the mountain in front of them and are doing zero analysis or gameplanning and refuse to have any kind of discussion on the matter thus freezing him out of any decision making process that will affect him.

Surely you can see that and cut him sime slack in lieu of having all the information.
pde

Bothell, WA

#24 May 1, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Speaking of cost, how does that work with insurance? My kids are onmy wife's insurance. I don't recall an option to insure my granskids.
In Illinois, the baby would likely end up eligible for All Kids.

Since: Oct 09

Minneapolis, MN

#25 May 1, 2014
Nearly a quarter century ago now, I was Emma, except I wasn't a teenager, I was in my mid-twenties and had just graduated from college. When we were getting close to the time of our wedding, I was pregnant and my fiance decided he "just didn't want to deal with it" (well,#$%#, neither did I, but I didn't have a biological choice, being a woman and all, you know), so he kicked me out of the house. I went home to my mom and stepdad; stepdad wasn't happy, pushed for an abortion, which I simply could not do.

Mom thought abortion was best, but was supportive of me; neither one of us could handle the thought of adoption, either. I realize that people often think it's best, and it's probably easier nowadays with open adoptions, but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that, either. Stepdad felt the way this guy does, which is understandable (and a bit different, considering she's only a teenager, unlike my situation) and things were tense for awhile. Until my son was born and stepdad went nuts over him, as mom and the rest of the family figured he would once it happened. As it turns out, he's the only child I ever ended up having.

I see and understand all sides in this (I think it's a lot more complicated when it's teenagers who haven't even finished high school yet and who have no realistic idea of just what it is they're in for and the burden they're putting on their families), and wish them well,'cause they're gonna need it.

Since: Oct 09

Minneapolis, MN

#26 May 1, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw2: This friend is way better off without a spiteful scorekeeping bitch like you as a friend. She does not feign ignorance. She legitimately has no clue cause you are nuts.
THIS. Problem is, people like the LW have no clue just how nutty and beeyotchy they really are, it's always other people's fault.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#27 May 1, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I'd like more information about what the mother said to the daughter. The fact that the mother will allow her to have the baby at the house doesn't mean she's taking on the responsibility. The letter doesn't speak to any of the details, only that the inlaws are siding with thier son (the dad) and he's ready to leave the house over it. Without knowing the man, him wanting to leave his family over this instead of trying other avenues grates on me.
But it's pretty realistic to say it's Emma's parents that are going to be doing the heavy lifting because Emma needs to finish school and doesn't have the experience or sense of responsibility, being that she's just a child herself. Tonka made some interesting points too (i.e., insurance and such). I don't think the stepdad should leave (though odds are this isn't the only issue bothering him), but I would bet this is going to fall on his and his wife's shoulders in the end.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#28 May 1, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
But it's pretty realistic to say it's Emma's parents that are going to be doing the heavy lifting because Emma needs to finish school and doesn't have the experience or sense of responsibility, being that she's just a child herself. Tonka made some interesting points too (i.e., insurance and such). I don't think the stepdad should leave (though odds are this isn't the only issue bothering him), but I would bet this is going to fall on his and his wife's shoulders in the end.
There's a lot more help for teens then there is for adults. I think it is a possibility that the Emma's parents "to do the heavy lifting" as I believe also it just might be that Emma will be doing the heavy lifting.

I think it's 50/50. We just don't know. I know there are teens are dump their responsibilities on their parents. I was 17 when I moved out of my parents house with no help from my parents. I wasn't pregnant but I did finish my high school and immediately went to work. I had an apartment near the bus stop and then a few months later I bought a car (continued to take the bus b/c it was economical).

I think there are a lot of 17 year olds who are very self sufficient. I also believe this dad probably has a good sense of how his daughter is, but I also believe he might not really doesn't know until she's challenged.

He should set up ground rules about living there. He's also the stepfather so it makes it a bit sticky. They all belong in counselling.

I stick by that he cannot tell her to adopt the baby and that he's not a very good father if he skips out on his family without trying his best to come to a compromise.
pde

Bothell, WA

#29 May 1, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
There's a lot more help for teens then there is for adults. I think it is a possibility that the Emma's parents "to do the heavy lifting" as I believe also it just might be that Emma will be doing the heavy lifting.
I know this was back in the 1990s, and welfare has been changed up since ...

A friend of mine got pregnant sophomore year of high school. Even though she continued living with her parents, once D was born, D was eligible for state medicaid and my friend was eligible for low income childcare. She also worked after school and summer jobs. Even though she was living in her parents' house and they likely helped her research and obtain these services, she was responsible for doing the paperwork to maintain them and earning/obtaining the money on top of that which was needed.(The guy that got her pregnant also graduated from high school the same year the baby was born, and she did sue him for child support as well.)

Emma needs to be told to seek out all support she can get to help her keep the baby. Her and the father need to have a legal custody and child support agreement set up, the type that will be re-evaluated each year as their life circumstances change. She needs to research any state welfare help that will be available. Her parents should only offer to step up to anything at all after all that is exhausted.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#30 May 1, 2014
LW1: This is every parent's worst nightmare and there are no easy answers. I agree with Amy that the parents of the surprise child are the ones who get to decide the adoption/keep the baby issue. LW already seems to know that his wife will be the one providing the bulk of the child care. Start right now to find out what resources are available - day care at/near the school, parenting classes, etc. Do your best to make sure that the parents step up and care for their child. Many people have worked through this situation, LW needs to get over his initial disappointment, accept the life changes, and adapt.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#31 May 1, 2014
1: Why do I feel that if Emma were biologically hers, they would be singing a different tune?

2: I had to let a friend go when I was putting in all the effort and she wasn't (I drove 4 hours to see her; initiated all calls; etc.). I still think about her, but I won't force myself on someone. BUT--I used my words and told her.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#32 May 1, 2014
Judge Janie wrote:
Nearly a quarter century ago now, I was Emma, except I wasn't a teenager, I was in my mid-twenties and had just graduated from college. When we were getting close to the time of our wedding, I was pregnant and my fiance decided he "just didn't want to deal with it" (well,#$%#, neither did I, but I didn't have a biological choice, being a woman and all, you know), so he kicked me out of the house. I went home to my mom and stepdad; stepdad wasn't happy, pushed for an abortion, which I simply could not do.
Mom thought abortion was best, but was supportive of me; neither one of us could handle the thought of adoption, either. I realize that people often think it's best, and it's probably easier nowadays with open adoptions, but I knew I wouldn't be able to handle that, either. Stepdad felt the way this guy does, which is understandable (and a bit different, considering she's only a teenager, unlike my situation) and things were tense for awhile. Until my son was born and stepdad went nuts over him, as mom and the rest of the family figured he would once it happened. As it turns out, he's the only child I ever ended up having.
I see and understand all sides in this (I think it's a lot more complicated when it's teenagers who haven't even finished high school yet and who have no realistic idea of just what it is they're in for and the burden they're putting on their families), and wish them well,'cause they're gonna need it.
So was your ex gone for good, or did he eventually work his way back into your son's life?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#33 May 1, 2014
Toj wrote:
I think it's 50/50. We just don't know. I know there are teens are dump their responsibilities on their parents. I was 17 when I moved out of my parents house with no help from my parents. I wasn't pregnant but I did finish my high school and immediately went to work. I had an apartment near the bus stop and then a few months later I bought a car (continued to take the bus b/c it was economical).
50/50? I think you're delusional. While its a tremendous accomplishment that you were able to do that, I think you are the exception and far from the norm.
Toj wrote:
I think there are a lot of 17 year olds who are very self sufficient.
Maybe, but I contend that the ones who are, are not the ones getting knocked up.

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