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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 May 1, 2014
DEAR AMY: My son and his wife have been married for 10 years, and they have two children. The oldest child, "Emma," is my son's stepdaughter.

Emma is 17 and pregnant. She wants to raise the baby at home while still attending school, etc.

The father of the unborn child is also still in school and is very supportive of the idea. My son, on the other hand, feels that adoption is the perfect solution.

His wife is a wonderful person who tends to be a "softy" and gives in quite easily (we adore her). She feels that he will get used to the idea of having a baby around the house. They both have very demanding careers.

After having several conversations with our son, we know that he is extraordinarily unhappy and is considering leaving his wife.

They both ask for our advice. We, too, are in favor of adoption, but "Emma" is not having any part of it.

Should we mind our own business? I truly feel that if something isn't done, they are going to allow a 17-year-old to decide the fate of their marriage.-- Nervous Gran

DEAR NERVOUS: Adoption is "the perfect solution" for two parties in this family drama (you and your son), neither of whom is the parent of the unborn child.

So move on.

There is no denying that this is one of the biggest challenges a family can face. But unlike other challenges -- such as illness or addiction, for instance -- this unplanned pregnancy holds the potential for joy for this family, if they can get through these next few months intact.

Is your son bighearted and brave enough to conquer his own assumptions -- about how his family life was going to be when he got married -- to build something new?

Or is he going to walk away, thus demonstrating to both children (and the teen father of this unborn child) that when the going gets tough, dad takes a hike?

His hurt and anger may be justified. But he and his wife's (and your) job will be to assist and mentor -- not be the primary parents and caregivers to this baby.

They can work this out, but it will be through negotiating workable solutions involving housing, child care, financial support, etc. You should urge them all to be patient.

DEAR AMY: I have a friend I no longer wish to speak to. At one time, she claimed that I was her best friend. I attended her wedding in her hometown (I was eight months pregnant) and gave a monetary gift.

When my child was born, she called and congratulated me but failed to remember what his name was and didn't bother to send a card, gift or visit me.

We talked periodically when my child was small, but now I haven't returned her phone calls in over a year.

She leaves messages asking why I don't return her calls. On my birthday, she left a phone message wishing me a happy birthday. She said she doesn't know if I'm mad and doesn't know why I haven't called.

I believe she feigns ignorance about why I stopped communicating with her. I never spoke with her about my feelings, but at this point I believe I've moved past it. Do you think I'm wrong for not calling her back? Do you think I should give her an opportunity to repair our broken friendship?-- Sincerely Old Friend

DEAR FRIEND: You are upset enough to write to me, so you don't sound ready or able to walk away.

Your friend cannot read your mind. She may be unforgivably dense, but the least you can do is tell her what you're thinking. Perhaps then she will stop bothering you by asking what's wrong.

DEAR AMY: Your response to "X-Rated Dream Object" cracked me up.

It is one thing to have an X-rated dream about someone, but to share the details with the person (when he or she is not your romantic partner) is just asking for trouble.-- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: I agree. And texting the details of the X-rated dream to an acquaintance at 2 a.m. is asking for major trouble.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Garden City, MI

#2 May 1, 2014
1- Wow, I agree with Amy's answer

2- Wah, someone isn't paying ME enough attention! They are not worthy of my friendship!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 May 1, 2014
Lw2: This friend is way better off without a spiteful scorekeeping bitch like you as a friend. She does not feign ignorance. She legitimately has no clue cause you are nuts.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 May 1, 2014
1 So the man bashing continues. The man has to turn his world upside down to accommodate this baby? I dont see that as necessary. Emma is not considering adoption because she is being enabled by her mother to raise the child in their home. Would her view change if she were kicked out of the house and told to live with her boyfriend in his house?

That being said, I do kinda think the guy should be a little more supportive.

2 Team Tonka, that b*tch be crazy.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 May 1, 2014
LW1: Good job, Amy's intern.

LW2: Friends are supposed to forgive one another for mistakes and oversights. Do this person a favor and tell her why you won't talk to her anymore so she can move on with her life, because believe me, she will not want to be friends with you once she realizes that you are crazy.

This totally happened to me, except I was the friend calling, wondering why I hadn't heard from my "friend" in a while. I am so much better off without this person in my life and the LW's friend will be too.

LW3: "...but to share the details with the person (when he or she is not your romantic partner) is just asking for trouble."

The only thing they're asking for is to be considered a wingnut. IIRC, the trouble was only in the LW's mind.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 May 1, 2014
L1: Forcing someone to put their baby up for adoption is just idiotic. You sit down, weigh the pros and cons, tell the daughter what you are willing to do connected to her and the child, then it's her decision. The problem here is that the two parents didn't get together on it before discussing it with the pregnant one and the father of the prego girl thinks he has more power than he has.
L2: This sounds like something out of high school. The LW needs to grow up.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 May 1, 2014
What about you whole "Live under my roof, then live by my rules", And your ever popular "If a parent can't keep their kid from having sex, they have failed"?
edogxxx wrote:
1- Wow, I agree with Amy's answer

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#8 May 1, 2014
Yeah, because everybody knows teenagers and crack heads make the best parents.
Toj wrote:
L1: Forcing someone to put their baby up for adoption is just idiotic.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 May 1, 2014
RACE wrote:
Yeah, because everybody knows teenagers and crack heads make the best parents.
<quoted text>
I would not put a 17 year old in the same group as a crackhead, unless the 17 year old was a crackhead.

There's plenty 20 year olds and 30 year olds who make horrible parents as well. However, it is the 17 year old's responsibility since she's the one pregnant. Like it or not, she's the mom and it's her body. Her father deciding to give away her child can't be done without her consent, like it or not.

Her father can, however, state what he is willing to do and what he is willing not to do. If he doesn't want a baby in the house then he is effectively kicking out his daughter and grandchild and it is within his right, as his house, do to so. I don't think trying to force adoption on her is within his right nor do I think that's a good idea. Discussing adoption and explaning why he thinks it is a good idea is one thing. Saying he is leaving if things are done HIS way is within his right but entirely selfish. No one lives in a vaccuum. Please who pretend to live in a vaccuum most often find themselves in one.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#10 May 1, 2014
Requiring Emma to stay in school and/or get employed to support the
child if Emma does not choose adoption seems like the kindest plan.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 May 1, 2014
Rereading my post, it sounds as if English is not my first language. Sorry about that.

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#12 May 1, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 So the man bashing continues. The man has to turn his world upside down to accommodate this baby? I dont see that as necessary. Emma is not considering adoption because she is being enabled by her mother to raise the child in their home. Would her view change if she were kicked out of the house and told to live with her boyfriend in his house?
That being said, I do kinda think the guy should be a little more supportive.
This, mostly.

LW's son did marry his (softie) wife for better or worse, so I don't think him contemplating walking out is a good thing. But I think you make a great point about WHY Emma isn't considering adoption. She has a very rose-colored idea of what having a baby will be like and is in for a rude awakening. Or not, if her mom steps in and does all the dirty work.

Ugh. Not a good situation all around.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Garden City, MI

#13 May 1, 2014
RACE wrote:
What about you whole "Live under my roof, then live by my rules", And your ever popular "If a parent can't keep their kid from having sex, they have failed"?
<quoted text>
The parents failed, no doubt. But forcing someone who isn't even your child to give up her baby is going a bit too far. If anything, I would support him telling the daughter to move out. What she does with her baby is her business, not his

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 May 1, 2014
not a ghost wrote:
Requiring Emma to stay in school and/or get employed to support the
child if Emma does not choose adoption seems like the kindest plan.
Who's going to watch the baby while she's in school/work?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#15 May 1, 2014
Why not? As a "Group" they are both grossly ill equipped to raise a child.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I would not put a 17 year old in the same group as a crackhead, unless the 17 year old was a crackhead.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#16 May 1, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Who's going to watch the baby while she's in school/work?
Whether she gets an in family babysitter, relative or goes to a
temporary restoration home where a family helps her onto her feet, Emma can go to school or work to provide for that child--unless she chooses adoption, or the baby's father wants to
raise the child.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 May 1, 2014
not a ghost wrote:
<quoted text> Whether she gets an in family babysitter, relative or goes to a
temporary restoration home where a family helps her onto her feet, Emma can go to school or work to provide for that child--unless she chooses adoption, or the baby's father wants to
raise the child.
just sayin. Likely that mom and sad both work. No one in family able to watch kid every day . If she's in school, she's got no money of her own fir baby sitter. If she's at work, whatever job SHE could get probably would not pay enough to make i worthwhile after paying the babysitter.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#18 May 1, 2014
1. I am conflicted about this situation.

The choice whether to put the baby up for adoption lies with the biological patents, that much is clear.

But, having decided to keep the baby, the girl sound lie she is involuntarily roping in her (extended) family for support. and not everyone wants that.

If you are old enough to screw and get pregnant you are old enough to have to take responsibility for your choices and the effect of those choices. You don't get to assume that everyone agrees.

Since the father of the child is "very supportive" ( how good of him) perhaps his family will take in Emma and the baby, but that just foists the problem onto another unwilling group

I don't think that 17 year old high school kid getting pregnant s something to be celebrated.(A co-worker's 15 year old got pregnant and I did not join in the cooing ad rejoicing ; it was not a popular stance).

I tend to agree with the step dad about being upset. His wife is in a conflict between her kid and her husband; I don't envy her.

Maybe Emma and teh baby can live with LW the grandma.

Where is Emma's bio dad?

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#19 May 1, 2014
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
This, mostly.
LW's son did marry his (softie) wife for better or worse, so I don't think him contemplating walking out is a good thing. But I think you make a great point about WHY Emma isn't considering adoption. She has a very rose-colored idea of what having a baby will be like and is in for a rude awakening. Or not, if her mom steps in and does all the dirty work.
Ugh. Not a good situation all around.
I agree with you and RACE on this. The mom is totally enabling the daughter. The daughter won't be raising this baby, the mom and stepdad will be and I think that's why he's freaking out. So, yeah, I think they need to have a serious sit-down about this and a realistic talk about what's best for the baby. I agree that adoption IS the best, but I don't believe it can be forced. Emma needs to understand the implications on her education, her future, the liklihood that this child won't have a daddy in its life (baby daddy probably won't stick around), how much it costs to raise a child, how she'll never have her private time or time to be a kid. I don't blame him for not wanting to wake up for feedings, etc. and have to raise another child because his wife and daughter have their heads in the clouds. But he made a committment to them, so I guess he has to suck it up. That poor baby, though.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#20 May 1, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>just sayin. Likely that mom and sad both work. No one in family able to watch kid every day . If she's in school, she's got no money of her own fir baby sitter. If she's at work, whatever job SHE could get probably would not pay enough to make i worthwhile after paying the babysitter.
If the parents don't step up, most likely she will be eligible for public services. Also, some schools do have daycare. It allows students to finish their schooling that will help in getting a job.

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