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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Apr 8, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with the man of my dreams for five years. Everything is great between us except for one huge thing -- we are no longer intimate.

I have recently come to the realization that this isn't the first time I have had this problem. I always thought it was an issue with the relationship, but now I suspect it may be linked to molestation I suffered when I was a child. At that time I was told "people who love you don't touch you like that." Logically I know this is different, but my partner tells me I just freeze up when we are together.

I think I need professional help, but I'm embarrassed and don't know where to start. Do I need a therapist? How do I locate a good one in my area?-- REACHING OUT IN CLEVELAND

DEAR REACHING OUT: Please accept my sympathy. Considering your history, what you're experiencing is understandable, and yes, you need to talk to a therapist. The therapy should have started at the time you were molested. To find a "good one," ask your physician to refer you to several so you can find a person you feel comfortable talking with.

Please do not be embarrassed to be frank, because most therapists have heard everything. It isn't their job to judge you, only to help you. None of this was your fault, and your problem is fixable.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, kids and I moved out of state seven years ago, leaving behind our extended families. Now, whenever we plan a vacation in our home state, we encounter the same issues. The first is trying to accommodate everyone's schedule into our own. The second is dividing our time between my family and my husband's.(His family is smaller than mine.)

Is it fair to divide the time in half -- half for his family and half for mine -- even though I have so many more relatives on my list? Or should we divide our time by the number of households we need to see? These issues cause my husband and me to argue, and it makes what is supposed to be a vacation very unpleasant. I already feel like canceling the trip.-- VACATION ISSUES

DEAR VACATION ISSUES: A solution would be to have two large family get-togethers -- one for your family and another for his -- during your visit. Then, if you want to visit with the relatives from the two branches of the families individually, you can "divide and conquer." He can spend as much time as he wishes with his relatives, and you can spend time with yours.

DEAR ABBY: Every year my workplace sponsors a community blood drive. I am invariably asked by co-workers if I am going to donate. Because I am HIV-positive, I answer no. Then the person asks me why.

Abby, it is no one's business. There could be many reasons -- ranging from health to religious to personal. Or a person may simply not want to donate.

I would give if I could. Please ask your readers not to question others about whether they will donate blood. Have you any suggestions about how I should respond?-- ON THE JOB IN IDAHO

DEAR ON THE JOB: A polite deflection would be to make light of it by saying, "I just don't."

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Apr 8, 2013
1 Yup therapy

2 Do what your husband says

3 Ask them why they need to know.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#3 Apr 8, 2013
L1: "I think I need professional help..." Yep, you do. Get it or you'll never be able to have a healthy relationship.

L2: What you should do is put all the family members in a spreadsheet and create a formula to calculate a weighted average to determine importance which feeds into another formula that shows how much time you should spend with each person. And then stab yourself in the eye with a pen.

L3: "I'm unable to donate for medical reasons." Done and done.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Apr 8, 2013
LW2: What Abby said. Its not that hard. And what makes you so sure everyone WANTS to see you?

LW3: Is it so hard to say you're afraid of needles?

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#5 Apr 8, 2013
L3. Yeah, they're just being inquisitve and don't mean any harm, but it is none of their business.
I have never donated blood and none of my friends or colleagues in the medical profession has ever asked me why I do not.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#6 Apr 8, 2013
1- Maybe you're just not really gay? Try sleeping with a woman, see how that goes.

2- People get supider everyday. You really can't figure this out?

3- "I have bad hemoglobin."

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Apr 8, 2013
LW1: "I always thought it was an issue with the relationship, but now I suspect it may be linked to molestation I suffered when I was a child."

Hmmm, ya think? Call RAINN

LW2: Stop vacationing in your home state.

LW3: What jmw said.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Apr 8, 2013
LW2: You donít have to do everything together. I would include everyone, but maybe your husband can spend more of his time doing stuff with his family and you can do the same.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Apr 8, 2013
L1: You know you need therapy. You gotta know. You need someone's permission to get it?

L2: What Jamwow said b/c that was great!

L3: People this nosey don't deserve an answer.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Knoxville, TN

#10 Apr 8, 2013
1. "Do I need a therapist?" You really have to ask that? You also need to tell your partner what's going on if you haven't yet.

2. Do what the heck you WANT to do, not what you feel lie you have to do. It's your vacation. If your side has more households, I don't understand why you have to allocate individually instead of having gatherings.

3. "I'm not medically able." Or "Why do you feel it's o.k. to prod me about my medical history?" Or "BTFO."

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#11 Apr 8, 2013
Toj wrote:
L3: People this nosey don't deserve an answer.
So what should he do? Ignore them? It's an innocuous question, no more "nosy" than asking someone what they did over the weekend.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Apr 8, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
So what should he do? Ignore them? It's an innocuous question, no more "nosy" than asking someone what they did over the weekend.
You really think that or are you bored?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#13 Apr 8, 2013
I can't believe a blood driver organizer asking someone "why can't you donate?" Tacky and insensitive, and NOSY.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#14 Apr 8, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
You really think that
Yes.

"Hey Jim, you giving blood today?"

"No."

"Why not?"

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#15 Apr 8, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I can't believe a blood driver organizer asking someone "why can't you donate?" Tacky and insensitive, and NOSY.
The coworkers are asking, not the organizer.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#16 Apr 8, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
The coworkers are asking, not the organizer.
Correct. My bad.

Still, tacky. I wouldn't EVER press someone that way. In fact, one of the procedures for donating blood (involving where you put a certain sticker on the form) was developed to protect people with HIV who felt forced to donate blood but their HIV status was confidential. That way, someone who's HIV positive could go through the whole process and protect his secret (remember, in 30 states it is legal and constitutional to be fired simply for being gay), but indicate on the form "My blood isn't safe, don't use it." Although, the REd Cross sure hates that they have to do it -- too much room for error.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#17 Apr 8, 2013
I remember when I didn't weigh enough to donate blood (you have to weigh 110 pounds). That was a great excuse. Worked for my mom, too. Now i weigh PUHLENTY.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#18 Apr 8, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I remember when I didn't weigh enough to donate blood (you have to weigh 110 pounds). That was a great excuse. Worked for my mom, too. Now i weigh PUHLENTY.
No such luck here either!

I made the mistake yesterday of picking up a call from a number I didn't recognize - it was f*cking Life Source. The lady was so smarmy and needy-sounding that I wanted to just hang up on her. She was even trying to get me to agree to the Alix, where they take some parts out and put the rest back in you. I told I almost pass out just giving the regular way, no way could I put up with twice the time hooked up to a machine.

It's really sucks because I *know* my blood is rare, but hey, so is my free time.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#19 Apr 8, 2013
one time at a blood drive i almost passed out. i gave at other sites, and have no problem with teh needles (i just don't look). the following year, i tried again. i almost passed out again wehn they were going through the vitals; they just flagged me as "changed my mind" and told me to get some fresh air. The room *was* stuffy, so i just don't dontate at taht drive any more.

or any other location, and i really should start again. <shrug>

But, to the point of hte letter, i like abby's answer, and if that doesn't work, in a case like this, i'd make sometihgn up or give a pointed "what's it to you; i just don't" and walk away from teh PITAs.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#20 Apr 8, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I remember when I didn't weigh enough to donate blood (you have to weigh 110 pounds). That was a great excuse. Worked for my mom, too. Now i weigh PUHLENTY.
I know, I miss those days.:-/

I rarely donate because it's such an effort. I come very close to passing out and then I'm useless the rest of the day. I've tried all the tricks--eating a big meal, donating while lying down, not looking at the blood, yadda yadda. Nothing helps.

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