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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Apr 14, 2014
DEAR AMY: I work on a crisis line, and this year I'm also in a rigorous academic program. The schedule has been incredibly isolating, and I've noticed that I'm having symptoms of anxiety and depression.

A few well-meaning friends have tried to offer me perspective. The thing is, I speak every day with people who have survived a lifetime of trauma, and I know how good I have it. Knowing this doesn't make me feel better; it just makes me feel guilty for feeling the way I do.

I'm being proactive about spending time with old friends, and I'm working with my supervisors to make my schedule more manageable. I'm also taking care of my body and creating healthy daily routines. It's helped a lot, but I still feel like I'm struggling.

I've considered seeking therapy, but I feel silly seeing a professional about isolation when I could have used that time to meet up with a friend. I also worry that they wouldn't understand why I'm struggling when I have so much to be grateful for.

Do you have any advice about responding to friends who offer me perspective? Would you recommend therapy?-- Worried

DEAR WORRIED: It can be a gift to be reminded of all of the good things in your life, but telling someone who is struggling and depressed, "But you are so lucky! Look on the bright side!" is tantamount to saying, "Your authentic humanity is really getting in the way. Please, shut it down."

Everybody struggles. And when someone is in trouble, compassionate listening often trumps reality checks.

You must see a therapist. And the reason is simple: Healers need healing. You need to be able to deal effectively with your own sadness, isolation and depression in order to optimize your usefulness to others.

No therapist will ever judge you for having problems, but if you want you can start every session by telling your therapist that you know how lucky you are. And once you have offered that caveat, you can roll up your sleeves and get to work. Your experience in therapy will deepen your understanding of the human condition and will be a great use of your time.

DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I are divorced professionals in our 40s. We have been together for almost two years, and we have discussed marriage. We don't live together, and we have kept our finances separate. Although sometimes I pay when we go out, he has always been generous.

Last weekend, we spent the weekend together. Twice during the weekend, I noticed money missing from my wallet. On Saturday, I noticed $20 missing. On Sunday evening, I withdrew more money out of my bank account to pay some bills. On Monday morning, I saw $100 was gone from my wallet. I haven't said anything to him, and I don't know how to handle this. What do you think is going on with him, and what do you think I should do?-- Anonymous

DEAR ANONYMOUS: I don't know what's going on with him. But I think you should jump in and flail around until you get some kind of answer. You are simply going to have to confront him about this. Losing $20 can be written off as a clerical error of some kind. But having $120 lifted from you over the course of two days puts this in another category.

After you hear an explanation, you are going to have to decide whether to accept it (you should be very skeptical). If so, you should proceed cautiously. At the very least, you need to hold tight to your wallet.

DEAR AMY: Regarding "Torn," who was worried about moving five hours away from family, friends, etc. You were 100 percent correct. Give it a try -- you have nothing to lose and all the experience to gain. I remember in an episode of "The Big Bang Theory," Leonard said he heard a man regrets more the things he didn't try than the things he did. Very true.-- Colin

DEAR COLIN: My mother used to say that too. And it is so true.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#2 Apr 14, 2014
Amy must be on vacation. I can't find fault with anything that her intern wrote.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Apr 14, 2014
1 Yup, you need a shrink. If you dont, you will end up on the other end of the crisis line you work at.

2 You were drunk and paid him for sex. Don't you remember?

3 Sappy sayings.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#4 Apr 14, 2014
1: I recall reading an article once that said you can have absolutely no stress in your personal life but listening to other people's problems can cause severe stress for you. It isn't even your problems that are causing the stress; it's other people's problems. I'd say your job working on a crisis line IS stressful. That's all you hear - other people's cases of severely stressful situations. How can you not feel stress? I'd say it's a normal side effect of your job. You definitely should see a therapist for help. You might also seriously consider doing a different job for awhile. Take break for 6 months or so just to get free of the constant barrage of problems and crises. Consider it a mental health sabbatical.

2: Yes, talk to this guy. Has anything like this happened in the past that you just wrote off or is it totally new behavior? It could be he feels taken advantage of and finds himself short of funds and either thought he could just take it or was afraid of actually asking. I'd rather a guy be more up front and directly tell me he left his wallet at home or that he doesn't have enough money to pay or needs gas money or whatever. What he did was steal hoping you would be so dense you wouldn't figure it out.

3: I don't recall offhand what the original letter was about. However if you move really far from family and friends, don't expect mom and dad to drop everything and drive or fly out to help you when you're home sick with the flu or whatever. You'll be on your own. Wait. Maybe that will be good experience showing you how much your family does for you now.(Ok, I'm in a nasty mood this morning. I didn't get enough sleep last night.)

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#5 Apr 14, 2014
L2: Lol @ Race.

Okay. I wish we had a little more info. Was this the first time you were away for the weekend together? Did you get drunk and maybe drop money in the street?(New Year's Eve 2009, holla). Are you 100% convinced that there's no other explanation besides that your boyfriend stole from you?
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#6 Apr 14, 2014
2: I was just thinking that one thing this guy did was go through the lw's purse and/or wallet in order to find the money to take. Even if he hadn't taken anything, I would feel that was an invasion of privacy. It may be ok for a husband and wife to go into each other's wallets (as long as they agree that it's ok), it definitely isn't ok to go through the wallet of someone you're just dating. Hey, I wouldn't even go through either of my parents' wallets or those of any of my siblings or my adult children's without permission. For a person to do this to someone they're dating is just wrong. If she doesn't get a reasonable explanation from this guy, she needs to break up with him. I can't think what a reasonable explanation would be but perhaps there is one that I simply can't think of. Maybe she told him to get money for room service from her wallet and she was too drunk to remember?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Apr 14, 2014
LW1: Seek professional help. Maybe they can give you meds too.

LW2: Unless you think itÂ’s possible you made a math error or lost the money, ask him. It seems odd that he would steal money from his gf, especially if he is generous and is always paying for things.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Apr 14, 2014
LW1: I'm really surprised that no one at the crisis center offered you any help. You'd think they'd be on the lookout for this kind of thing in their employees.

Seek your own therapy.

LW2: Why, why, why are you asking Amy about this and not your bf?

Start hiding your money in your bra or something until you get an answer.

LW3: I wish this rehash would move 5 hours away.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#9 Apr 14, 2014
squishymama wrote:
LW1: I'm really surprised that no one at the crisis center offered you any help. You'd think they'd be on the lookout for this kind of thing in their employees.

Seek your own therapy.
Excellent point!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#10 Apr 14, 2014
1.Long time ago I took the Red Cross First Aid day long training ( it was required to be a Girl Scout leader). One of the first things they stressed was that before you started to help someone that you as the responder needed to make sure of your own safety. LW needs to make sure f her own mental ability.. She can't help the clients (customers?) if she herself is a basketcase.

Like Squishy, I am surprised your employer does not screen for burn-out. That is what you are suffering

2 Ask him. If he tries to gaslight you, run. Oh yeah, change your locks and change your passwords

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Apr 14, 2014
PEllen wrote:
1.Long time ago I took the Red Cross First Aid day long training ( it was required to be a Girl Scout leader). One of the first things they stressed was that before you started to help someone that you as the responder needed to make sure of your own safety. LW needs to make sure f her own mental ability.. She can't help the clients (customers?) if she herself is a basketcase.
Like Squishy, I am surprised your employer does not screen for burn-out. That is what you are suffering
2 Ask him. If he tries to gaslight you, run. Oh yeah, change your locks and change your passwords
lw2: And what would be an example of him gaslighting her on this? Telling her he didn't take it and that she probably lost it? What if that really is what happened?
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#12 Apr 14, 2014
LW1: I totally agree with Amy. Everybody struggles. Get the therapy you need to manage your life right now, and when summer arrives, take a vacation. I think your main problem is that you are tired and stressed out. And can you cut back your hours at the crisis center?

LW2: Wow. That would be a deal-breaker for me. You need to have a serious talk with him. If he wants you to chip in more often, he should feel comfortable enough to ask you after 2 years of dating. Stealing from you... that's just not OK.

LW3: A co-worker of mine, age 26, is moving to Denver to telework and be close to his girlfriend. He's very excited about trying something new and living somewhere different. Original LW should take the plunge.

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#13 Apr 14, 2014
L2: Unless the money turns up or the LW realizes what happened to it (aside from him stealing it), this relationship is probably over. She'll never trust him again and if she accuses him of stealing - whether he did or not - he'll never get past it.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Apr 14, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>lw2: And what would be an example of him gaslighting her on this? Telling her he didn't take it and that she probably lost it? What if that really is what happened?
Let's see. Telling her she picked up a round in the bar for cash or spent it at McDonald's. Telling her that her favorite street guy hit her up for money and instead of giving him a single she gave him a $20. That she gave it to him to put gas in h his car. She left her purse for a moment o the counter on Walgreens and doesn't she remember the kid who bum-rushed them?

Since she took it out via ATM there would be a record, so he would not be able to say she never withdrew the money; we are confined to cash transactions that are plausible.

Cash transactions are increasingly rare so this might require some imagination. But if a guy is taking money from his girlfriend's purse he has a good store of BS. I guarantee it.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#15 Apr 14, 2014
squishymama wrote:
LW2: Why, why, why are you asking Amy about this and not your bf?
Seriously.
No way I would login and email a stranger and wait days (weeks? months?) for an answer! That boy would have been comfronted the moment I found out and had eliminated other options.
I would really love this one added in the follow-up later category.

Is this new? Has she dated a thief for 2 years and never known?
Is he ballsy enough to think she would not miss a benjamin?

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#16 Apr 14, 2014
L1. I would keep that hush-hush if I were you.
My understanding is that, yes, many institutions do offer counseling for their employees who seek help from the workday stress.
But they have to ask for it, which could stigmatize them with their co-workers.
I have never known of anyone who went for counseling, so if someone ever did because of work, they kept that hidden.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#17 Apr 14, 2014
loose cannon wrote:
L1. I would keep that hush-hush if I were you.
My understanding is that, yes, many institutions do offer counseling for their employees who seek help from the workday stress.
But they have to ask for it, which could stigmatize them with their co-workers.
I have never known of anyone who went for counseling, so if someone ever did because of work, they kept that hidden.
That might be because you are judgmental, so people are not anxious to share their vulnerabilities with you.
Pops Malooney

Oak Lawn, IL

#18 Apr 14, 2014
Best advice keep your request secret. Don t share anything with co workers.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#19 Apr 14, 2014
I remember one time years ago I was a young grad working in the ER and one of the day shift supervisors from radiology came in as a patient having a nervous breakdown or something. She had flipped her lid.
She was really a very nice lady and it was very awkward, but she lost a lot of her responsibilities after that episode.
I don't know if that was her decision or theirs, but that is what happened.
blunt advice

Plainfield, NJ

#21 Apr 15, 2014
2. Does he like to show off what he has and spends? If I were you I'd run and not look back.

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