First Prev
of 2
Next Last

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 13, 2013
DEAR AMY: Last year I got a full-time job as a nanny for a wonderful family with two amazing kids. This family is supportive of me. They have been gracious and accommodating, and they have come to treat me as one of their own. They've expressed a desire that I stay with them for two or more years.

My boyfriend and I are making serious plans for the future, including marriage, a house, kids, the works. We've moved in together, opened a joint bank account and are attempting to save for the life we want to build, but my job as a nanny severely restricts my saving options.

I am beginning the process of looking for a "real" job. As much as I love my "babies," I'm looking forward to beginning a challenging career in the corporate world. But with the economy being as it is, I don't know how long it will take me to find one.

Should I tell the family that I am looking for a new job? I don't want to find one that requires me to begin work immediately, leaving them without child care, but I also don't want them to assume that I'm leaving right away.-- Up-in-the-Air Au Pair

DEAR AU PAIR: You don't say if you agreed to stay with this family for two years -- only that they asked you to. Whatever your arrangement, it is reasonable for them to expect you to be honest and to keep them in the loop. They see that you are making changes in your domestic life -- surely they will also understand your desire to advance in a career.

There is a risk they could panic and run off to hire another nanny to replace you before you've secured other employment, but this is unlikely -- they appreciate you and should be happy to employ you as long as you are available.

Tell them: "I love this job and plan to stay here as long as possible, but I have started a job search in the corporate world. I don't have any prospects yet, but I wanted to let you know." Assure them that you'll give them as much notice as possible.

DEAR AMY: We have a group of longtime married couples who have been good friends for many years. We get together every few months and have supported one another through many of life's ups and downs.

One of the husbands is a harmless flirt. He hugs too long and touches too much. He will try to kiss hello/goodbye on my lips. I turn my head to avoid his kisses, yet he still tries.

He will rub my arm or hold my hand, all the time talking about what good friends we all are. His touching is never inappropriate, just annoying.

I honestly do not think he means anything by this, but it makes me uncomfortable. Once I tried to avoid his hug by telling him I am not much of a hugger, but he hugged me anyway.

I have not expressed myself more strongly because I know his feelings would be hurt. My husband thinks I enjoy the attention because I don't do enough to make it stop. At my workplace, this would be considered harassment.

How can I delicately and subtly convey that I would prefer his touching stop?-- Careful

DEAR CAREFUL: Don't be subtle. Your friend doesn't "do" subtle. Say: "You know I'm not a touchy-feely person and I know that you are. But can you do me a favor and be less physical? It makes me uncomfortable. I really only like to hold my husband's hand. Thanks for understanding."

DEAR AMY: "Grieving MIL" wrote that her son reported that he "walks on eggshells" with his controlling wife. If this man is in an abusive marriage, he should get counseling and see a lawyer. I was in a marriage like this, and it took me years to be brave enough to leave. It took a huge toll on me and the children.-- Healing Dad

DEAR DAD: If a spouse frightens you and then isolates you from your own support system, it is definitely time to get out. I'm glad you did.
NicoleK

Lucens, Switzerland

#2 Mar 13, 2013
No. Don't let them know. It's easier for them to find another nanny when you give them a reasonable amount of notice (a few weeks) than it would be for you to find a job if they decided to hire someone new right away.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Mar 13, 2013
LW1: Most employers expect that you will need to give at least 2 weeks notice to your current employer. If you tell the family now, before you have a new job, they may begin their search for your replacement now. And if they find the perfect candidate who needs to start asap or she will have to take another job, you're out the door. Sure you don't want to leave the family in the lurch, but its a lot better than you getting the short end of the stick.

LW2: Offer him a hummer if he stops huggin you.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Mar 13, 2013
L1: HORRIBLE advice from Amy. I would never tell an employer that I"m looking for another job. That's a way to have NO job very quickly. I did it once, prepared my boss for my move out of state once I found a job. I did it because it was a very difficult, demanding job that was not easy to do or hire for. So we decided that my employee R would be promoted to my position, and I started to train her for the job. When she had a good handle on things, my boss was getting antsy and wanted me to demote myself and take a pay cut so R could step in and I"d be there to answer questions, etc., until I found a job. Um, no. I didn't bust my butt working overnights and weekends (I was salary, so no OT) to be cast aside like that.

I'll never, ever do that again. Take care of yourself, first, always, in the workplace.

L2: "His touching is never inappropriate, just annoying." Um, no. It's inappropriate. You're both married. You've indicated that you don't like this touching/hugging and still he persists? WHy are you so spineless, REFUSE HUGS YOU DO NOT WANT. I hate hate hate people who force hugs onto others. If you're one of them: KNock it off or get a knee to the crotch.

Amy's namby pamby response is ridiculous. Two for Two, Amy Lou.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#5 Mar 13, 2013
1 Conflicted here. Finding a good nanny is not an overnight process, but once one is found, you are toast. I would give 3 weeks notice, one xtra week for them to search and at worst you will only be bout a couple weeks pay.

2 If its annoying, its inappropriate. Have you husband deck him, or grab his nutz and squeeze while saying "Please Stop Touching Me."

3 Way to avoid the words like "domestic abuse" or "spousal abuse". Because secretly you dont believe a man can be "abused" by his wife.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Mar 13, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: HORRIBLE advice from Amy. I would never tell an employer that I"m looking for another job. That's a way to have NO job very quickly.
One company I worked for, sales agents were commission. And they commission was not paid the week the sale was made, but the week the transaction was completed, which was some time in the future(travel agency). When a sales agent left, they forfeited any claim to commission on incompletes transaction. If a sales agent gave notice, they were typically let go that day. The smart ones learned not to give notice.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#7 Mar 13, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>One company I worked for, sales agents were commission. And they commission was not paid the week the sale was made, but the week the transaction was completed, which was some time in the future(travel agency). When a sales agent left, they forfeited any claim to commission on incompletes transaction. If a sales agent gave notice, they were typically let go that day. The smart ones learned not to give notice.
Yet everytime I gave notice when I was in sales I was held to my 2 weeks. My last 2 weeks as a liquor salesmen I worked 2 hours a day, so they would have been far ahead to have just paid me out.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Mar 13, 2013
LW1: Conflicted here too. I agree with Angela's advice about taking care of yourself first in the workplace. But your current workplace is a little different than the corporate world, and there are those inconvenient feelings that get involved when you're caring for children.

If your relationship with the family is as good as you describe it, then you should keep them in the loop. If you have any doubts, then keep your yap shut.

LW2: I can't understand why you let this go on for so long. The FIRST TIME he did this, you should have said something, without it being hurtful. Now, it's going to have to be hurtful.

LW3: Oh shut up, Amy.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#9 Mar 13, 2013
1- yeah, the quicker you tell your employer you're looking for another job, the quicker you'll be unemployed.

2- Waaaahhhh! He's touching meeee! What are you, five? Get the fk over it. These people are so annoying. Grow up!

"But you're invading my personal space!"

Yeah, how bout I punch you in the face? Then you can cry about me invading your personal space.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Mar 13, 2013
squishymama wrote:
But your current workplace is a little different than the corporate world, and there are those inconvenient feelings that get involved when you're caring for children.
If your relationship with the family is as good as you describe it, then you should keep them in the loop. If you have any doubts, then keep your yap shut.
Both parties may have the best intentions, but the reality is, we don't know how long it took for them to find HER. How many people did they screen? How many other people did they have to choose from where they would have been happy with the choice? If they took considerable time searching for a nanny before settling on LW, and really did not have any other applicants they felt comfortable with, then they probably would want to do the same kind of search this time around. Which, as I said, opens the possibility that they find THE person they want, but have to move now lest she take a job with a different family before LW finds another job.

My kids went to day care from day one, so I really have no idea how hard or time consuming it is to find a good nanny or if they are rare or in abundance.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Mar 13, 2013
LW1: I wouldn’t tell them now, but I would try to give them more than 2 weeks notice if at all possible once you find something.

LW2: I think you already tried subtle when you said you aren’t much of a hugger. The guy has boundary issues. I like what Amy’s intern said. I would not like another man rubbing my wife’s arm or holding her hand.

LW3: Pussay!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#12 Mar 13, 2013
I think them telling her they would like a 2yr commitment shows they probably put a lot of time and effort into choosing her. But they probably should have made that known during the interview process.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Both parties may have the best intentions, but the reality is, we don't know how long it took for them to find HER. How many people did they screen? How many other people did they have to choose from where they would have been happy with the choice? If they took considerable time searching for a nanny before settling on LW, and really did not have any other applicants they felt comfortable with, then they probably would want to do the same kind of search this time around. Which, as I said, opens the possibility that they find THE person they want, but have to move now lest she take a job with a different family before LW finds another job.
My kids went to day care from day one, so I really have no idea how hard or time consuming it is to find a good nanny or if they are rare or in abundance.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#13 Mar 13, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Both parties may have the best intentions, but the reality is, we don't know how long it took for them to find HER. How many people did they screen? How many other people did they have to choose from where they would have been happy with the choice? If they took considerable time searching for a nanny before settling on LW, and really did not have any other applicants they felt comfortable with, then they probably would want to do the same kind of search this time around. Which, as I said, opens the possibility that they find THE person they want, but have to move now lest she take a job with a different family before LW finds another job.
They also might decide that the kids are ready for preschool when the nanny finally goes. It *really* depends on how nice these people are.
Mister Tonka wrote:
My kids went to day care from day one, so I really have no idea how hard or time consuming it is to find a good nanny or if they are rare or in abundance.
Yeah, me either. But from what I've read, it can take a lot of time and effort. Possibly a lot of loot too. And that's not even taking into account the whole peace-of-mind (or lack thereof) aspect of having a nanny.

I thank the FSM every day for my MIL.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Mar 13, 2013
squishymama wrote:

They also might decide that the kids are ready for preschool when the nanny finally goes. It *really* depends on how nice these people are.
That does not jibe with them wanting to keep her on for 2 years.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Cedar Grove, TN

#15 Mar 13, 2013
1. Just follow the 2 weeks rule. It's the best way to balance all concerns.

2. News flash: it IS inappropriate. And he's not going to respond to subtle. Who cares if his feeling are hurt? He's the one in th wrong. You have to address him directly, tell him that his physical interaction with you is inappropriate and it's making you feel uncomfortable, and you hope that he will correct this before you have to take steps that would embarrass him in front of the group.

3. Well good for you.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#16 Mar 13, 2013
L1: I don't think they have any right to ask for a 2 year commitment. But she said they expressed a desire for at least 2 years. That's different. Which I don't think they should do either. She's probably young and more then likely didn't tell them she made a career choice to be a nanny. If she gets a regular job she should try to give them a 3 week notice if possible. Feelings change when employers know that a person wants to leave that job. Especially when kids are involved. And that could be hard on the kids, if they know, to keep waiting for her to leave which could be months.
Easier that they have a deadline to adjust to.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Cedar Grove, TN

#17 Mar 13, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- yeah, the quicker you tell your employer you're looking for another job, the quicker you'll be unemployed.
2- Waaaahhhh! He's touching meeee! What are you, five? Get the fk over it. These people are so annoying. Grow up!
"But you're invading my personal space!"
Yeah, how bout I punch you in the face? Then you can cry about me invading your personal space.
I wonder if you mother ever tires of drinking from the bottomless cup of shame that is her son.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#18 Mar 13, 2013
L1: Nothin'- I don't know squat about nannies.

L2: Harmless? Never inappropriate? What WOULD constitute harmful and inappropriate in your world, if he straight up raped you? Geez.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#19 Mar 13, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> That does not jibe with them wanting to keep her on for 2 years.
That's because they don't know she wants a corporate gig. Once they do find out, they may not want to go through the rigamarole of finding a new nanny.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Mar 13, 2013
dahgts wrote:
L1: I don't think they have any right to ask for a 2 year commitment.
??? they have a right to ask for whatever they want. Just as she has a right to say yes or no.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 2
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 9 min Guru 182,177
Holiday Greetings 1 hr Ebeneizer Scrooge 3
Fight at Navy Pier 1 hr Negras all 3
Messianic Jews say they are persecuted in Israel (Jun '08) 2 hr Mandela 71,270
Ill. House Approves Legalizing Same-Sex Civil U... (Dec '10) 3 hr Religionthebiglie 51,304
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 3 hr Yeah 1,156,210
Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 4 hr positronium 49,362
Chicago Dating
Find my Match
More from around the web

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]

NFL Latest News

Updated 6:03 am PST

NBC Sports 6:03AM
Jim Caldwell: No concerns about starting a rookie center
Bleacher Report 8:46 AM
What Are Experts Saying About Vikings?
NBC Sports11:28 AM
Bears extend Roberto Garza through 2015
NBC Sports 7:32 AM
Full-blown Bears house-cleaning could be coming
Bleacher Report 6:10 PM
Could Cutler, Shanahan Reunion Work for Jets?