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1 - 12 of 12 Comments Last updated Nov 3, 2013

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#1
Nov 3, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: I recently found out that after 13 years of marriage, my son and daughter-in-law are expecting a child; my first grandchild! I was overjoyed at the news. They live about 1,000 miles away from me.

I mentioned to my son that I have been looking at flights and want to come out a week before her due date so I'll be there for the big moment, and stay three to four weeks to help with the baby. I was shocked when he told me they don't want me to visit until at least three weeks after the birth, and stay for one week max.

He said my daughter-in-law will need time to heal, and they both need time to adjust to being parents before they have guests. I am not a "guest." I am the grandmother! I was also told not to expect to take care of the baby because it is "their" job.

It hurts so bad not to be wanted to share in the joy of the new baby. I have always dreamed of watching my grandchild take his or her first breath, and see the look on my son's face when he holds his child for the first time.

Is there anything I can do to change their minds and allow me to be there for my son at this important moment? Do you agree that they are being unreasonable and cruel?-- FAMILY FIRST IN FLORIDA

DEAR FAMILY FIRST: I'm sure you are a loving mother, but I don't agree, and I doubt you can change their minds.

If it is going to take three weeks for your daughter-in-law to heal, it appears the baby's birth will be by C-section, and she will need time to regain her strength. The new parents will also need time to adjust to the baby's sleep and feeding schedules. They will be sleep-deprived, and she will be nursing every few hours and not up for company.
While you have always dreamed of being present at your grandchild's birth, the reality is your son and daughter-in-law would prefer this intimate moment be shared by them alone. I'm sorry you are hurt, truly. Let them know you are willing to help them in any way you can on their terms, and take your cues from them. Do not take any of this personally.

DEAR ABBY: My grandmother died recently after a long life. A cousin decided that all of the grandchildren should chip in for an expensive floral arrangement. I reluctantly participated after my wife said it would be "cheap" of me to refuse.

I had a closer relationship with Grandma than most of my cousins did, but I felt it was an odd request. I have always understood that flowers were sent to the grieving family. In this instance, we were the family. It felt like we were sending condolences to ourselves. Am I wrong, or was I just being cheap, as my wife suggested?-- MOURNING IN NEVADA

DEAR MOURNING: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. Your assumption that families do not provide flowers at a loved one's funeral was incorrect. It is very common for family members to arrange for a floral display or spray of flowers for a deceased relative's casket. At a sad time like this, it is never wrong to err on the side of being generous, and I'm glad that is what you did.

DEAR ABBY: I'm in fifth grade, and I have noticed that teachers pick favorites. I'd like to know if or how I could be one.-- NERVOUS STUDENT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NERVOUS STUDENT: Teachers have favorites for various reasons. Sometimes it happens because they see something in a child that reminds them of how they were at that age. With others it's because the student shows an interest in the subjects being taught, isn't disruptive and always tries his or her best. And that is what I recommend you do.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
Nov 3, 2013
 
1- I understand your disappointment, but honey, you just need to realize they don't want mommy there for over a month while they're adjusting to life with a baby. You're just gonna have to get over it.

2- Jeebus, get over buying the dam flowers already!

3- Now is the time to learn you don't need appraisal from anyone.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#3
Nov 3, 2013
 

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L1: Grandma needs to get over this idea she should be there for the birth. There's a lot of years to have with the kid. No need to see the event. Why in the h#ll does the birth need to be a family reunion event? All mothers know what goes on.
If LW is the kind of person that she sounds like then they probably don't want to deal with her for more then a week anyhow.
I have to say though I can understand her joy about having a grandchild and wanting to spend more time with it. I would feel the same.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

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#4
Nov 3, 2013
 

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LW1: I think the LW's son and DIL are setting reasonable boundaries. A visit of 3 to 4 weeks is WAY too long, family or not. Three weeks gives the family a bit of time to adjust. I also totally agree that LW shouldn't expect to take care of the baby. LW, you are the grandmother. You get to enjoy the child with minimum responsibilities and bore all of your friends with cute pictures.

LW2: My condolences on the loss of your grandmother. Yes, it is customary for the family to buy flowers for their departed loved one, and yes, you were being cheap.

LW3: You should focus on learning the material, paying attention in class, and having good relationships with your peers and your teacher. If he or she picks a favorite, and it is obvious to the rest of the class, you might get teased by your classmates ("Teacher's favorite!"), and I don't think you want that.
NicoleK

Villeneuve, Switzerland

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#5
Nov 3, 2013
 
Yes, teachers have favorites. No, you don't know who they are. I bet you the teachers are overcompensating...
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#6
Nov 3, 2013
 

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LW1 is giving Floridians and grandmothers a bad name. This is their child, their home and their
anticipated need for recovery no matter how the birth turns out (not that that's any of LW1's business). If she wants to be welcome in their home, she would be wise to abide by their instructions and not force her choices on them no
matter how "helpful" she thinks she is being.

Because LW2 did not say whether or not he chose to
do any other loving tribute to his grandmother, I
wouldn't label him as "cheap".

Lw3 should just be good.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#7
Nov 3, 2013
 

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1: Oh hey no. Neither my MIL nor my own mom will be present for my baby's "first breath." Ack. I need space and a month with MIL can be suffocating.
I applaud this hubby for sticking up with his bride, and for using their words on mom, who now has her own onus to get over it.

3: Eeek, this is true, I hate to admit. Most of us do it unconsciously. I find I gravitate to boys who have snappy, sarcastic sense of humors.
The sweet quiet ones are always left out, so I have to make a point of connecting.
The jerks are hard to connect to and I try to grade papers without seeing a name, so as to not influence. It's something in human nature but you must be aware of it.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#8
Nov 3, 2013
 

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cheluzal wrote:
I find I gravitate to boys who have snappy, sarcastic sense of humors.
I have a snappy, sarcastic sense of humor.

How about gravitating over this way....?
Julie

Skokie, IL

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#9
Nov 3, 2013
 

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LW1: Wow. It's All.About.You.
You are absolutely clueless. No wonder they don't want you there. Keep up your MeMeMe attitude and they'll completely cut you off from your grandchild.
And I wouldn't blame them a bit.
Grow the F up, you stupid, entitled b*tch.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#10
Nov 3, 2013
 

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Lw1: they are gonna have to talk this woman down from the ledge when she finds out dil's mom was there for those first few weeks. If she has a c-section, she's not recovering without some help. Dad ain't staying home for 3 weeks. So HER mom is gonna come help. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Logically, she's more comfortable and at ease around HER mom.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#11
Nov 3, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I have a snappy, sarcastic sense of humor.
How about gravitating over this way....?
Why do you think I found you hilarious on here before we ever met...?

“Citizen_Patriot_ Voter_Atheist!”

Since: May 09

Earth,TX

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#12
Nov 3, 2013
 

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LW1. They are going to have to talk her down from a ledge (assuming they'd even notice) when she watches the home videos of the birth, which will be played at every family gathering ..... forever, that shows, the DIL's Mommy, Daddy, Aunties, Uncles, next door neighbors, best friends(both, his & hers), bosses(both, his & hers), ex-boyfriends sister and all the guys and girls they both work with, all there for the big event.

MIL should fly down check into a hotel, sit in the family waiting room with the other 37 people waiting for this child to be born. Look through the window, oooh and awww with everybody else. Take a few pics, return to her hotel, order flowers and a gift basket, to be delivered, get some shut eye, and fly home. There is no need to bother her son and DIL, for even a second.

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