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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Apr 30, 2014
Dear Amy: A few weeks ago, I was printing an e-mail from my daughter's e-mail account. Her e-mail account stayed open after signing off.

Boy, did I get an eyeful! It appears my 16-year-old daughter and her 17-year-old boyfriend have been contemplating sex and have already gone to the heavy petting/foreplay stage. There must have been more than 1,000 e-mails of detailed touching and adult sexual language.

Both kids have had "the talk" with their parents, and we all thought abstinence was not an issue. I have had numerous talks with my daughter about sex, relationships and consequences.

Both kids want to go to college and have goals in life. They do feel they are "soul mates" but what teenage couple don't think that? The boyfriend is the nicest, most respectful boy you would want your daughter to date. Teenage hormones got the best of both of them. If any of the other parents find out, their relationship is over.

To make a long story short, I told them I read every single e-mail. When my daughter saw tears come to my eyes, she knew they had crossed the line, as I am a very open and understanding parent. They have been warned, talked to about consequences again, and strict rules have been put in place such as no "alone time" together.

Am I silly to think I can keep them in check, and should I keep their secret? Burdened

Dear Burdened: If you seriously believe this couple will abstain from sex because you say so, then you might want to get started decorating the baby's nursery.

Keeping these two apart is completely unrealistic. In addition to your wise counsel about consequences, they should also be told that if they have sex, they must use contraception. You should urge your daughter to explore her options with her doctor, and/or the couple should visit a Planned Parenthood clinic together for realistic counseling and birth control.

You tell them: "You both know that we do not want you to have sex because you are too young. However, we cannot police you every second you are together. We love and care about you both. If you love and care about each other, you will take care of your health and protect your own plans by exercising good judgment and using birth control if you have sex. It is a huge responsibility and it is your responsibility, not ours."

I have news for all of you: A girl can get pregnant without having intercourse. The risk is low, but if they have ventured into the foreplay arena, they're already there.

Dear Amy: My mother passed away a few years ago.

A few years before she died, my mom traveled with my aunt (her sister) to visit my sister. During their stay, my mother and aunt got into a fight.

My mother decided it was too stressful to continue her visit and came home earlier than expected. Before she got on the plane, her sister said to her, "I hope the plane crashes with you on it."

I have had a relationship with my aunt since my mother's death, but my sisters are saying I should not speak to her because of what she said.

I tend to think my mother would have forgiven her sister, but am I betraying my mother or her memory by having a relationship with her sister?

I am very torn about this and want to do the right thing. Torn Sister

Dear Torn: Your sisters cannot dictate how or if you choose to have a relationship with your aunt. Furthermore, you shouldn't spend too much time trying to figure out what your mother would have wanted. Reconciliation and forgiveness are good things, in and of themselves.

Dear Amy: "Wife and Mom" wanted to mediate the "hair war" between her husband and teenage son

Talk about picking your battles! Long hair is definitely a phase lots of guys go through, myself included. It has literally no bearing on how you do in life.

I'm completely bald now, but at least I have the memory of my pony tail! Bald Man

Dear Bald: Sigh.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Apr 30, 2014
L1 LW has a 16 year ld daughter which means she is somewhere between 36 and 60 which means she w as that age somewhere between the early 70's and mid 90's, not exactly the leftovers of the Victorian era. What on earth did she think was happening between a 16 year old girl and a 17 year old boy, milkshakes and sock hops?

This is teh same as reading a diary, the right or wrong of it is one question, but you can't erase what you have read. I find it curious that the daughter hadn't written anything grouching about her mom or maybe LW just read the "dirty" parts.

Amy's advice was okay.

L2 Things said in the heat of the moment belong between the people in the conversation , not carried down the generations. LW is right,her sisters are wrong. LW doesn't say whether her mother ever spoke to her sister again fr if the aunt has a habit of emotional outbursts

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#3 Apr 30, 2014
1- turn him in to the authorities. And up yours, Amy. If a parent can't prevent their young child from having sex, they've failed

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#4 Apr 30, 2014
LW1- Education and trust are key. Teach them as much as you can, including your viewpoint on premarital sex, then trust them to make good decisions. You cannot control your 16 year old's decisions, but you can still help her navigate the road to adulthood.

LW2- my husband and I have always been very clear that the grudges of the previous generations are not ours to hold. Now that we are adults, we have our own relationships with our aunts and uncles. If people don't respect that, those are the ones that we don't need in our lives. We just make sure that we don't allow people to talk badly of other relatives around us and we don't try to act as brokers of peace.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Apr 30, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- turn him in to the authorities. And up yours, Amy. If a parent can't prevent their young child from having sex, they've failed
Are you serious?

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#6 Apr 30, 2014
I wish we could edit our posts - good decisions does not mean whatever her parents tell her to. It means thinking through the potential consequences of her actions and taking responsibility for those decisions.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Apr 30, 2014
L1: I agree that the mother has to speak on abstinence, birth control and also the normal feeling sin a relationship and the consequences. She does need to add the birth control thing and the health angle.

L2: What? The LW needs to tell her sisters she is not going to hold something said in anger years ago against a family member. Then the LW has to remember she can't control what her sisters do. They're the ones missing out.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#8 Apr 30, 2014
L1. I could not have possibly read through one thousand e-mails between two teenagers
That being said, I do not think the word contraception is in this woman's vocabulary.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#9 Apr 30, 2014
L1: "Her e-mail account stayed open after signing off." Yeah, right.

L2: Wow. I can't imagine ever saying that to anyone, heat of the moment or not. However, the LW shouldn't be guilted into cutting off her aunt by her sisters. Clearly the aunt needs all the love and positive influences she can get.
ScarletandOlive

Iselin, NJ

#10 Apr 30, 2014
Toj wrote:
L1: I agree that the mother has to speak on abstinence, birth control and also the normal feeling sin a relationship and the consequences.
Haha! Interesting typo ;)

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Apr 30, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- turn him in to the authorities. And up yours, Amy. If a parent can't prevent their young child from having sex, they've failed
16 is not a young child. It is old enough to get married in some places

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 Apr 30, 2014
loose cannon wrote:
L1. I could not have possibly read through one thousand e-mails between two teenagers
That being said, I do not think the word contraception is in this woman's vocabulary.
I tend to agree with you.

The visual is of the LW hunched over a lap top screen, eyes wide, beginning to breathe heavily, keeping one ear open in case someone should come home... oh, wait, that describes a guy watching p*rn and, uh, doing stuff.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#13 Apr 30, 2014
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
Haha! Interesting typo ;)
Hah! Freudian slip indeed.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Apr 30, 2014
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
Haha! Interesting typo ;)
Ha! Freudian.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#15 Apr 30, 2014
ScarletandOlive wrote:

LW2- my husband and I have always been very clear that the grudges of the previous generations are not ours to hold. Now that we are adults, we have our own relationships with our aunts and uncles. If people don't respect that, those are the ones that we don't need in our lives. We just make sure that we don't allow people to talk badly of other relatives around us and we don't try to act as brokers of peace.
I agree with you here for the most part. I think it can depend on the problem that caused the rift. It would have to be a VERY serious offense but I think there are some things that would make me very hesitant to let bygones be bygones. I don't think something said in the heat of the moment (as in the lw's situation) qualifies though. And for all the lw and her family knows, their own mom might have said similar things to her sister at some time in the past. Siblings fight and then eventually (usually) get over it - until the next time. It's like this family is trapped in a moment in time and they see no reason to move on.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#16 Apr 30, 2014
Ha! Your funny!
So, when did your parents give you permission to get laid? Or haven't they yet?
edogxxx wrote:
1- turn him in to the authorities. And up yours, Amy. If a parent can't prevent their young child from having sex, they've failed

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#17 Apr 30, 2014
1 Mom's a perv. Why did she need to read EVERY single email. Bet her clam was drenched as she read about the BF's stiff member and how good it tasted.
2 Your mom is dead, she don't care.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#18 Apr 30, 2014
PEllen wrote:
What on earth did she think was happening between a 16 year old girl and a 17 year old boy, milkshakes and sock hops?
Yes. Regardless of what you might think, teenagers are not sex-crazed bunny rabbits banging everything that isn't nailed down. Statistics show teen sexual activity is down. Teen pregnancy is down.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#19 Apr 30, 2014
LW1: "If you seriously believe this couple will abstain from sex because you say so, then you might want to get started decorating the baby's nursery."

Right, because there's NOTHING in between.

Please make sure your daughter has all the information she needs to make the good choices, and maybe a few condoms too.

LW2: Don't base your actions on what your mom might or might not have wanted. Do what *you* feel is right.

LW3: I'm pretty sure this is how my husband feels about his dreadlocks.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#20 Apr 30, 2014
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>I agree with you here for the most part. I think it can depend on the problem that caused the rift. It would have to be a VERY serious offense but I think there are some things that would make me very hesitant to let bygones be bygones. I don't think something said in the heat of the moment (as in the lw's situation) qualifies though. And for all the lw and her family knows, their own mom might have said similar things to her sister at some time in the past. Siblings fight and then eventually (usually) get over it - until the next time. It's like this family is trapped in a moment in time and they see no reason to move on.
My MIL and her siblings are constantly fighting. The dysfunction stems from their mother who would get mad and give them the silent treatment (often for years) when she didn't agree with them. There are 5 siblings still alive and we can't keep track of who is talking to who, so we don't even try.

I was talking to my husband's oldest aunt on Monday and she told me that he and I are her favorites because we always talk to her at family functions. That made me a little sad because being civil shouldn't be such a big deal.

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