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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Apr 9, 2013
DEAR AMY: My husband and I are on "silent treatment" for close to three months now!

It all started when we got into an argument and he made a statement: "The only reason I'm with you is because my daughter needs a mom." I was very hurt by this statement and decided to use the guest bedroom until he feels he needs a wife. It's been three months, and there are no signs he's even making an attempt to sort things out. Is it over?

In the past, he has made similar statements that hurt me, such as, "You are not a priority for me." He has said, "I don't miss you" when we were on silent treatment in the past.

Every single time, even though he is at fault, he expects me to break the silence and bring us back to normal. He avoids discussion and likes to brush things under the carpet.

I am really, really hurt. I want to talk about it and resolve it; however, I don't want to raise the white flag and initiate the conversation.

What do you think I should do?-- Hurt Wife

DEAR HURT: The way you describe the situation -- with two parents locked into a silent war -- it sounds angry, oppressive, depressing and sad. You may think that because you and your husband each interact with this daughter separately she is not aware of the dynamic between you, but I assure you, she sees everything. And this sort of unhealthy dynamic and discord affects her greatly.

Your husband is not the only person to brush things under the carpet. I suspect if you took a look under your carpet you would find a multitude of issues -- some put there by you.

As long as you see every issue in your household as being your husband's fault and responsibility, you will never find resolution. If you see initiating a conversation as a form of surrender, you will never find peace.

Your marriage needs an emergency intervention. Because you wrote to me, you're going to have to initiate this intervention by seeing a counselor or mediator who can help you two come to terms. And if you cannot come to terms and find a more effective way to air and work out your grievances, then I do think your marriage is over.

DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. We get along amazingly. He gave me a promise ring, and we will be moving in together in a month.

There is one thing I am worried about, however. He lies to me continuously about his ex. I have had to assist him in getting rid of anything having to do with her. He lies about getting rid of reminders of their relationship -- like pictures of her.

He has lied to my face three times now regarding her. How can I get him to stop lying? Threatening to break up with him only seems to help temporarily.-- Wasted Time

DEAR WASTED: I have a surefire, guaranteed way to get your boyfriend to stop lying to you about his ex-girlfriend: Stop asking. Stop demanding. Stop "assisting." Just. Stop.

Everybody has a past. Erasing evidence of this past does not erase the past.

You don't say that your boyfriend has any actual contact with his ex. Your attempts to manipulate and control him are failing.

You need to figure out why this causes you so much anxiety, work on your own reactions and find a way to cope with things as they are.

If you cannot cope with your boyfriend's choices, you have a choice to make: You can declare this nonnegotiable, return your promise ring and move on with your life.

DEAR AMY: I agreed with your response to "Devastated," who was upset because her nephew's wife did not show support to her during her mother's illness and death.

People respond to illness, death and grief in very different ways. This mother has two young children. I agree with you that she should be forgiven for this disappointment.-- Admiring

DEAR ADMIRING: Once you forgive someone for an obvious breach, you can move forward.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Apr 9, 2013
1- Sigh, once again people are writing Amy when they should be seeking the advice of a counselor. Or a lawyer.

2- WOW! I totally agree with Amy! This LW sounds like a jealous, insecure, nutball!

3- This narcissistic world of ours. Everyone thinks everything should always be about them.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Apr 9, 2013
L1: My first opinion: Marriage counseling. For your daughter's sake. And if that doesn't work, divorce. And no remarriage allowed until you two can behave like grownups.

My second, stronger opinion: D ivorce him. He's way too immature and unfair about how to fight for me to stomach his shenanigans. ZEro tolerance. The words he said are beyond cruel.

P.S. Good for Amy for pointing out LW's likely contributions to the problem. It's not all the husband's fault.

L2: "Promise ring?" You're 14 for crying out loud. Finish high school.

L3: Don't break your arm choosing letters that pat you on the back, Amy.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Apr 9, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
2- WOW! I totally agree with Amy! This LW sounds like a jealous, insecure, nutball!
Imagine if this couple were older, and how much "stuff" she'd be trying to make him get rid of. What if a girlfriend gave him a lamp? Does that have to go?

She's crazy. I don't think it's entirely blamed on her youth, either.

“Colorful Beyond Words ”

Since: May 11

" Live, Laugh, Love "

#5 Apr 9, 2013
LW1 Me thinks a counselor is in order. Although, If you are getting your "conjugal visits" a few times a week, I'd say find your happy place and let it ride. Worked for me for the last 10 years.:)

LW2 RED FLAG WARNING !! If he lies now and you know it...Learn to live with the liar and quit trying to control him OR dump him and move on.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#6 Apr 9, 2013
1 So is the daughter yours or his or both. Sad thing is you are a poor example of a mother, and he is a poor example of a father. Wonder how he will feel when he sees his daughter being treated like a doormat?

2 Sorry honey, you dont get to decide if he should keep pictures of his old girlfriend. I have a suspicion that someday YOU are going to be one.

3 Yeah,yeah,yeah whatelse.

Oh, and kuddo's to amby for not man bashing. Very refreshing. I knew she was reading my comments.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#7 Apr 9, 2013
Hatti_Hollerand wrote:
Although, If you are getting your "conjugal visits" a few times a week, I'd say find your happy place and let it ride. Worked for me for the last 10 years.:)
That's not a marriage.

“Colorful Beyond Words ”

Since: May 11

" Live, Laugh, Love "

#8 Apr 9, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
That's not a marriage.
By whose definition?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Apr 9, 2013
LW1: It is natural to be hurt, but I wouldn’t put so much stock into things said in the height of a big fight. Sometimes things are said in anger and they aren’t really meant or thought out very well.

I’d also not be so stubborn, both of you. However, I don’t think it should always be one party doing mending work. Your husband should at the very least apologize when he says really hurtful things to you and should try to work on not doing that. He seems to be a very cold and stubborn person.

I think you two could use marriage counseling.

LW2: Unless there is some reason for you to suspect something is going on with him and her or he is constantly displaying or looking at these things, I wouldn’t be so up in his face about it and be so insecure.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#10 Apr 9, 2013
No, its better than that.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
That's not a marriage.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Apr 9, 2013
Must be Intern Tuesday. Amy does not call women controlling. Ever.

LW1: I think its laughable. You throw down some "punishment" and are mad that its not working.

LW2: What intern said.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Apr 9, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
My second, stronger opinion: D ivorce him. He's way too immature and unfair about how to fight for me to stomach his shenanigans. ZEro tolerance. The words he said are beyond cruel.
Not defending him, but please. She gives him the silent treatment for months and HE's immature? There's plenty to go around in this marriage. She seems more pissed that her childish ploy did not work than she is about what he said.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13 Apr 9, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Not defending him, but please. She gives him the silent treatment for months and HE's immature? There's plenty to go around in this marriage. She seems more pissed that her childish ploy did not work than she is about what he said.
I agree they both are stubborn, but he says awful stuff to her and she rightfully gets hurt and gives him the silent treatment and he is so stubborn that he won't even apologize after three months. He sounds very me-centric.

Regardless of what causes a fight, you should own up to your mistakes, regardless of whether the other person does. I think it would go a long way in their relationship if he would sometimes take the initiative and apologize.

She's probably resorted to the silent treatment because she's been dealing with a self-absorbed a$s who thinks he never does anything wrong and never apologizes to her for anything, and she's probably tired of being the one who has to do the repair work always.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#14 Apr 9, 2013
Hatti_Hollerand wrote:
<quoted text>By whose definition?
Marriage is a sacred institution and don't get me started about how marriage should mean different things to different people and evryone can make a marriage whatever they want it to be! If your "husband" is just gonna be some guy who's putting a roof over your head and an occassional booty call, then you have no business being "married." People can live their lives however they want, but marriage should be taken seriously. There's no law that says people MUST get married. If people aren't gonna take marriage seriously, then they should stop dickin around and pretending they're living some fantasy that they're not.

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

#15 Apr 9, 2013
LW1: Does anyone else think that the daughter mentioned here might be the husband's but not the LW's? The way it's worded makes me think that. He says that the only reason he's with her is because "my daughter needs a mom." But she'd still have one even if they were divorced, if the LW was her mother. If she's the stepmother, however, then that wouldn't likely be the case.

LW2: Oh, please. You are a controlling, nagging, jealous, insecure beeyotch. Your BF should kick you to the curb YESTERDAY. I cannot stand it when people (men do it too, not just women) demand that their SO/spouse give up any and all possessions and reminders of past relationships. People should be allowed to keep whatever they want from past relationships, pictures, letters, etc., without hassle from insecure, controlling, jealous partners. I've always found it fascinating to look at pictures of exes.

I even made a photo album for hubby for all the "leftover" pics he had of his ex-wife, of her, of them, and of her children, his stepchildren (whom he still sees more than a decade after the divorce).

I don't understand people like this LW. It'd be different if he were keeping the "reminders" front and center in the house and talking about her and them all the time, but that doesn't appear to be the case here.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#16 Apr 9, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Not defending him, but please. She gives him the silent treatment for months and HE's immature? There's plenty to go around in this marriage. She seems more pissed that her childish ploy did not work than she is about what he said.
While I never believed LW's claim that these faults/problems are always his fault, I was too believing that the "silent treatment" was mostly one-sided, but since reading comments here and at the WaPo, while I Find the husband's words to his wife horrible, I have no doubt that this LW is leaving puh-lenty out of her letter and is painting herself in the best light possible.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#17 Apr 9, 2013
Judge Janie wrote:
LW1: Does anyone else think that the daughter mentioned here might be the husband's but not the LW's? The way it's worded makes me think that. He says that the only reason he's with her is because "my daughter needs a mom." But she'd still have one even if they were divorced, if the LW was her mother. If she's the stepmother, however, then that wouldn't likely be the case.
LW2: Oh, please. You are a controlling, nagging, jealous, insecure beeyotch. Your BF should kick you to the curb YESTERDAY. I cannot stand it when people (men do it too, not just women) demand that their SO/spouse give up any and all possessions and reminders of past relationships. People should be allowed to keep whatever they want from past relationships, pictures, letters, etc., without hassle from insecure, controlling, jealous partners. I've always found it fascinating to look at pictures of exes.
I even made a photo album for hubby for all the "leftover" pics he had of his ex-wife, of her, of them, and of her children, his stepchildren (whom he still sees more than a decade after the divorce).
I don't understand people like this LW. It'd be different if he were keeping the "reminders" front and center in the house and talking about her and them all the time, but that doesn't appear to be the case here.
L1: At the WaPo, someone else said that the husband could be referring to the LW this way "My daughter needs a mom" as a way to distance himself from his wife.(I also am inclined to think she's possibly the stepmom.)

L2: Nick's 6yo drew a picture that Nick thought was the four of us, b/c the woman had red hair. But Alex said "No, that's mommy." And wanted to hang it on dad's bedroom door. Nick did not want a drawing of his exwife on his bedroom door, so he talked the 6yo into giving the picture to his mom. Heh (she probably doesn't want a picture of her exhusband).

I told him the boys definitely shoudl be able to have a picture of their mom (with them or without them in it) in their bedroom at dad's house. He hadn't considered that before.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#18 Apr 9, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Marriage is a sacred institution and don't get me started about how marriage should mean different things to different people and evryone can make a marriage whatever they want it to be! If your "husband" is just gonna be some guy who's putting a roof over your head and an occassional booty call, then you have no business being "married." People can live their lives however they want, but marriage should be taken seriously. There's no law that says people MUST get married. If people aren't gonna take marriage seriously, then they should stop dickin around and pretending they're living some fantasy that they're not.
Oh STFU. If you ever get married, you can define your marriage to be what you want it to be. Others are free to define it as they want it to be.

Sorry, you don't get to be the arbiter of marriage. Different strokes for different folks. I don't even know why you care so much what goes on in a marriage to which you are not apart. Go occupy yourself and maybe take up knitting.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#19 Apr 9, 2013
I did.
Judge Janie wrote:
LW1: Does anyone else think that the daughter mentioned here might be the husband's but not the LW's?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#20 Apr 9, 2013
Judge Janie wrote:
LW1: Does anyone else think that the daughter mentioned here might be the husband's but not the LW's? The way it's worded makes me think that. He says that the only reason he's with her is because "my daughter needs a mom." But she'd still have one even if they were divorced, if the LW was her mother. If she's the stepmother, however, then that wouldn't likely be the case.
LW2: Oh, please. You are a controlling, nagging, jealous, insecure beeyotch. Your BF should kick you to the curb YESTERDAY. I cannot stand it when people (men do it too, not just women) demand that their SO/spouse give up any and all possessions and reminders of past relationships. People should be allowed to keep whatever they want from past relationships, pictures, letters, etc., without hassle from insecure, controlling, jealous partners. I've always found it fascinating to look at pictures of exes.
I even made a photo album for hubby for all the "leftover" pics he had of his ex-wife, of her, of them, and of her children, his stepchildren (whom he still sees more than a decade after the divorce).
I don't understand people like this LW. It'd be different if he were keeping the "reminders" front and center in the house and talking about her and them all the time, but that doesn't appear to be the case here.
L1- No I think the girl is both of theirs or the LW would have said otehrwise. I think the husband's phraseology is a way of exercising dominion and power over "his" property, i.e. the child to exclude his wife.

L2- Unless the BF is mooning over his ex he has probably become blind to the items- not lying about them but just not noticing that the ex is in them. LW is way too insecure to be in a long term relationship. It will end and it won't end well.

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