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1 - 13 of 13 Comments Last updated Feb 21, 2014

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#1
Feb 21, 2014
 
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to a wonderful man for 17 years and we have two children. My life should be perfect, and it is -- until it's time to visit my in-laws.

We don't see them more than a few times a year, but I've taken to pleading work as an excuse not to see them on holidays or special occasions if I can avoid it. I have even spent Christmas at home alone because I can't stand how verbally abusive my in-laws are.

My mother-in-law admits to being mean and nasty. She says she doesn't care because she "hates people." They are now pressuring my husband to move nearer to them. The thought makes me sick.

My life could have been so different if these relatives were nice, normal people. I wanted us to be friends. I'm a kind person, but I have never been good enough for them.

I would never dream of saying some of the things they have said to me. They're upper middle class and I'm "trash." I never thought when I married my husband that his family would enjoy making me miserable.

The Easter holidays are coming and I don't know what to do. I'm afraid one day the buildup of anger will make me explode. How can I make their verbal abuse stop? I'm sick of being the brunt of jokes and sarcastic comments.-- "OUTLAW" IN ARIZONA

DEAR "OUTLAW": If your husband is "wonderful," why has he tolerated his parents' treating you this way for 17 years? He should have insisted from the beginning of your marriage that you be treated with respect. I can't believe the two of you would expose your children to this multiple times a year.

You can't "make" your in-laws stop their verbal abuse, but your husband might be able to if he locates his spine and puts his foot down. There should be no more talk of moving close to these toxic people, nor should there be any more visits to them until they either change their attitudes or learn to watch their mouths. If your husband feels he must go, then he should go alone, and you should stop making excuses for your absence.
Open Email Reveals Husband's Rendezvous Plans

DEAR ABBY: My husband is an alcoholic who attends AA meetings. Last night he forgot to sign out of his email and I saw he has been corresponding with a woman he met at the meetings. In her message she confided her problems finding a man. His reply was that she has been picking the wrong men, that he cares and that they need to talk face-to-face.

I wish I had never seen the email. Because of it, I can't eat or sleep, worrying about what might possibly be going on. I don't want to confront him because he has a nasty temper, yet I feel I must do something. But what?-- LOST IN NOWHERE, MONTANA

DEAR LOST: Instead of "confronting" your husband, simply ASK him if he has become this woman's AA sponsor. It might explain why she is confiding in him, and why he suggested they meet face-to-face to talk, which could be entirely innocent. Does he have a history of cheating on you?

If something is going on, it would be better for your emotional health to know what you are dealing with. And if your husband responds with verbal or physical abuse because of his "nasty temper," you should insist on marriage counseling or get out of there for your own safety.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#2
Feb 21, 2014
 
1- Good God, you only have to deal with this a few times a year. SUCK IT UP

2- Recovering alcoholics confide in each other in this way. ANYONE sharing a difficult situation with someone else, regardless of what the issue may be, act in this way. It's innocent, relax, and bring it up to him just to assure yourself.

And I love when a man reads his wife's texts, he's invading her privacy. When a wife reads her husband's emails, not a word from Abby about it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Feb 21, 2014
 

Judged:

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1 What you need to do is start giving as good as you get. It empowers you and knocks them on their keester. Start dreaming of saying to them what they say to you. It's fun!

2 He might not have a nasty temper if you would stop snooping thru his stuff.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

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#4
Feb 21, 2014
 

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Dog,
She wasn't snooping. He was the dumbshit who passed out in an alcoholic stupor and left the computer screen open

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#5
Feb 21, 2014
 
1.Find a small voice recorder or see how long the audio recording function is on your phone.
Visit. Unobtrusively, when she starts her tirade, start recording.
Wait it out, the confront her and play back her performance.

If she has an element of humanity left she will be embarrassed and will change or at least the volume will go down. the venom might not but you will at least know i it is her behavior or her character.

Behavior can change. Character won't.

Fair warning on two points: she will lash out t you possibly physically. Two, as they age they will want your husband closer and as they age their personality am exaggerates and it will get worse.

Last: apples don't fall far from the tree.. Your husband will be like one of his parents as he gets older. The question is, which one?

2Just how supportive are you of his attempts to stay sober via AA?
Abby may be right but you are insecure on this and probably other levels. Try Al-Anon for the families to get information and a perspective and a safe place to vent.

Since: Aug 08

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#6
Feb 21, 2014
 

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LW1: I would just get up and leave once they started.

LW2: That could mean a lot of things, but I wouldn't presume the worst.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#7
Feb 21, 2014
 

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L1: I agree with Abby. Your husband should have spoken up to his parents long ago. He's too much of a wimp so you'll have to. Next time you are there and they start in, tell them "Enough. I am not going to take this treatment any longer." Then don't. Make sure you know where a nice hotel is and a number of a cab company.

L2: You're going to have to start having real conversations with your husband. Like PEllen said, Al-Anon is a good place to get real information that might help you and your husband function together better.

L3: Where's our rehash?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#8
Feb 21, 2014
 
LW1: " I'm afraid one day the buildup of anger will make me explode."

Go ahead and lose it. Go off on them. Don't hold back one iota. You will never have to deal with them again.

LW2: If you trust that he's actually doing the steps, then you should not worry about him having an affair. That is a big no-no.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#9
Feb 21, 2014
 

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All's that information is in the husbands phone, and he wont let her touch it
Toj wrote:
Make sure you know where a nice hotel is and a number of a cab company.
blunt advice

New York, NY

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#10
Feb 21, 2014
 

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Love how all these lws have a wonderful spouse, but........
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#11
Feb 21, 2014
 
Toj wrote:
.
L3: Where's our rehash?
Since "Abby" doesn't do that, wanna play "gtlance at the future"?

"Donny," whose father had cancer and who spent a lot of time with the husband of a lady
with some girls,(a) learned a lot about compassion as that lady's husband showed him how to comfort his father-who is now in remission from cancer.
(b) grew a little older and has developed a crush on one of the daughters of the lady who
wrote--and she and her husband are glad they got to see his personality and character for
themselves.(c) has developed his skills in running and joined the track team (or other sport)
(d) has found he gets algebra/geometry and helps the daughters understand it or
(e) other.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#12
Feb 21, 2014
 

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boundary painter wrote:
<quoted text>
Since "Abby" doesn't do that, wanna play "gtlance at the future"?
"Donny," whose father had cancer and who spent a lot of time with the husband of a lady
with some girls,(a) learned a lot about compassion as that lady's husband showed him how to comfort his father-who is now in remission from cancer.
(b) grew a little older and has developed a crush on one of the daughters of the lady who
wrote--and she and her husband are glad they got to see his personality and character for
themselves.(c) has developed his skills in running and joined the track team (or other sport)
(d) has found he gets algebra/geometry and helps the daughters understand it or
(e) other.
Love it!

(e)-- Other. Of course he adopted a "gay lifestyle" later in life after being molested by the closeted husband. ;)

BTW, in Chicago they have issued the first marriage license for a same sex couple.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#13
Feb 21, 2014
 
LW1: You have 3 choices. 1. Allow the current situation to continue. 2. Take a Zen approach and decide to rise above any nastiness. Your attitude is: it's their stuff and I am not going to let them ruin my day. 3. Tell your husband that you have had enough and that if he doesn't stand up for you the next time his mother starts in, that she is going to get an earful from you. Sit down and write out what you want to say. "I have been allowing you to hurl your verbal poison at me for far too long. It ends right now." Be prepared to follow through and take your own transportation over there so that you can say your peace and then leave.

LW2: Beware the 13th step.

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