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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Apr 18, 2014
uty in Afghanistan about two years ago.

He, his wife and infant daughter live with us due to economic difficulties that are common to their generation.

He attends school on vet benefits and also is a National Guard member.

He recently disclosed to me that he's been very unhappy since returning from his tour of duty and is torn between leaving his wife to be "happy" or staying with her for the sake of the baby and being "miserable."

I fear he's suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder caused by his tour of duty, even though he wasn't directly involved in combat, and that this is at the root of his depression rather than him being stuck in a loveless marriage.

It breaks my heart to know that he might make a rash decision to destroy his family over this, as his wife is loving and supportive of him. Is there any advice or direction you can offer to help my struggling veteran son? I know I can't live his life for him. But he has reached out to me and seems to be overwhelmed with his situation. Worried Father

Dear Father: Your son might be suffering from some traumatic aftereffects of his tour of duty.

Or, he might be a guy pushing 30 who is stressed, restless and wants out of his marriage. The everyday reality of family life is extremely challenging, especially for people who are engaged in exciting, dangerous, high-octane careers that take them away from home for long periods.

Your son has a responsibility to try his hardest to be a good person and a good parent. If he is determined to leave his marriage, you should urge him to consider the reality of his choice. For instance, could his wife and child continue to live with you if they tried a trial separation? This couple would benefit from professional mediation. He should be screened for depression. He can connect with his local VA for an evaluation.

Your responsibility is to be supportive of each party, and all about your grandchild. Do not refer to this as "destroying his family" because the focus should be on keeping the family functioning and peaceful, even if the marriage ends.

Dear Amy: I'm the mother of a 41-year-old daughter who is unable to feel any empathy for me. She's courteous in every other way, but if I ever need support emotional or physical she's MIA.

Twice she has flown home for surprise parties for me, but has never come to help me or care for me through six surgeries. She cannot listen to any problems of mine, no matter how serious.

I have tried to talk with her directly about this, and she feels that it is not her job to take care of her mother in any way. That's not part of the mother-daughter relationship. She has told me that it should be entirely one-way, regardless of my age or need.

What will she teach her kids about how a child should treat her mother? And how much can I entrust her with as I become older and need her to carry out my end-of-life wishes?

I'm afraid she'll dump me in a nursing home and walk away. My son has schizophrenia and could not bear the stress of making those decisions alone. Mother

Dear Mother: I can only imagine how disappointed you are in your daughter. I think it is wisest to assume that she will never change.

You should do everything possible to plan for your own future. This includes researching housing options and finding friends or other family members who would be willing to assist. That way, when your future arrives, you won't feel "dumped," but like you are living according to your own plans and wishes.

Dear Amy: I think your advice to "Impatient" was fine, but you really should have advised this unmarried mother of two to see a lawyer! The father of her kids may never marry her and they should both be aware of the legal ramifications. Not a Lawyer

Dear Not: I agree; great advice.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Apr 18, 2014
(I missed the first line of the letter. Here it is.)

Dear Amy: My 27-year-old son returned home from a tour of duty in Afghanistan about two years ago.

He, his wife and infant daughter live with us due to economic difficulties that are common to their generation.....

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Apr 18, 2014
Dear Amy: My 27-year-old son returned home from a tour of duty in Afghanistan about two years ago.

He, his wife and infant daughter live with us due to economic difficulties that are common to their generation.

He attends school on vet benefits and also is a National Guard member.

He recently disclosed to me that he's been very unhappy since returning from his tour of duty and is torn between leaving his wife to be "happy" or staying with her for the sake of the baby and being "miserable."

I fear he's suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder caused by his tour of duty, even though he wasn't directly involved in combat, and that this is at the root of his depression rather than him being stuck in a loveless marriage.

It breaks my heart to know that he might make a rash decision to destroy his family over this, as his wife is loving and supportive of him. Is there any advice or direction you can offer to help my struggling veteran son? I know I can't live his life for him. But he has reached out to me and seems to be overwhelmed with his situation. Worried Father

Dear Father: Your son might be suffering from some traumatic aftereffects of his tour of duty.

Or, he might be a guy pushing 30 who is stressed, restless and wants out of his marriage. The everyday reality of family life is extremely challenging, especially for people who are engaged in exciting, dangerous, high-octane careers that take them away from home for long periods.

Your son has a responsibility to try his hardest to be a good person and a good parent. If he is determined to leave his marriage, you should urge him to consider the reality of his choice. For instance, could his wife and child continue to live with you if they tried a trial separation? This couple would benefit from professional mediation. He should be screened for depression. He can connect with his local VA for an evaluation.

Your responsibility is to be supportive of each party, and all about your grandchild. Do not refer to this as "destroying his family" because the focus should be on keeping the family functioning and peaceful, even if the marriage ends.

Dear Amy: I'm the mother of a 41-year-old daughter who is unable to feel any empathy for me. She's courteous in every other way, but if I ever need support emotional or physical she's MIA.

Twice she has flown home for surprise parties for me, but has never come to help me or care for me through six surgeries. She cannot listen to any problems of mine, no matter how serious.

I have tried to talk with her directly about this, and she feels that it is not her job to take care of her mother in any way. That's not part of the mother-daughter relationship. She has told me that it should be entirely one-way, regardless of my age or need.

What will she teach her kids about how a child should treat her mother? And how much can I entrust her with as I become older and need her to carry out my end-of-life wishes?

I'm afraid she'll dump me in a nursing home and walk away. My son has schizophrenia and could not bear the stress of making those decisions alone. Mother

Dear Mother: I can only imagine how disappointed you are in your daughter. I think it is wisest to assume that she will never change.

You should do everything possible to plan for your own future. This includes researching housing options and finding friends or other family members who would be willing to assist. That way, when your future arrives, you won't feel "dumped," but like you are living according to your own plans and wishes.

Dear Amy: I think your advice to "Impatient" was fine, but you really should have advised this unmarried mother of two to see a lawyer! The father of her kids may never marry her and they should both be aware of the legal ramifications. Not a Lawyer

Dear Not: I agree; great advice.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Apr 18, 2014
Wow, who took over Amy's job?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Apr 18, 2014
LW PTSD is a very specific disorder with very specific hallmarks.
For reasons I cannot pinpoint this early, I find the LW irritating, like a benign helicopter parent trying o make excuses for her kid. No everything has a DIAGNOSIS ( and yes, I was shouting).

L2 The advice was good but I wonder if the LW has used her various illnesses as an attention seeking or guilt inducing tactic.

On the other hand, part of the definition of a psychopath is an inability to feel empathy; it does not always require hostility or violence. It is possible LW has 2 mentally ill kids.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Apr 18, 2014
LW1: Counseling. Too bad he can't count on the VA to provide that.

LW2: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Apr 18, 2014
I think PEllen has it wrapped up pretty well.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Apr 18, 2014
Lw2: whatceveryone else said. With more questions. Did lw treat HER mother this way? Children learn what they live, right? Does lw have a husband that she conveniently left out of the letter? If she had 6 surgeries, who helped her? Did she stay in the hospital to recuperate? I wonder if she had someone local who was already assisting her(like a husband) but still just expected the daughter to drop everything to come cater to her.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#9 Apr 18, 2014
1: I'm not reading PTSD (but it is a catchy buzzword now, right dad?).
Ugh. I now I might get flamed for this, but I wish so many military people didn't marry. I think some women prey on them to get that baby as soon as possible. These people are in a crazy situation, then they come back to "real life." The marriage/LD thing/baby thing makes it worse.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#10 Apr 18, 2014
PEllen wrote:
LW PTSD is a very specific disorder with very specific hallmarks.
For reasons I cannot pinpoint this early, I find the LW irritating, like a benign helicopter parent trying o make excuses for her kid. No everything has a DIAGNOSIS ( and yes, I was shouting).
Agreed.
I love the "resons common to their generation" bit.
You mean impulsive non-savers who got married and knocked up without thinking about how to pay for life?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#11 Apr 18, 2014
1- I agree with Amy. I think it's more likely the kid is going through a mid-life crisis. Daddy needs to sit him down and tell him he's got a wife and a baby and that's what's important now so it's time to man-up

2- What got me was, "She has told me that it should be entirely one-way, regardless of my age or need."

I think PE is right, with a side of Squishy; this woman sounds a bit self-absorbed
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#12 Apr 18, 2014
2: MANY routes on this:
*I have no empathy for my mom because she's a blubbering fool who whines about all her medical issues and is always about herself. It grates and you get numb.
*Daughter could also be a non-violent sociopath. hey, bro has something...

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#13 Apr 18, 2014
cheluzal wrote:
<quoted text>

You mean impulsive non-savers who got married and knocked up without thinking about how to pay for life?
That is a good description of my parents who got married in 1949. My Dad was too young for WWII, Korea hadn't started yet when thy got married and pregnant with me.

It is not generational.

And I disagree with you about military people not getting married. There are lots od other reasons on both sides (guy and gal) to get married before a deployment.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#14 Apr 18, 2014
So, exactly, why would LW2 want a cold, unsympathetic woman in her
forties to "take care of" her when she can select someone much more caring with her own resources? Glance into the Future on LW2:

The daughter's grown children:
(a) counseled their grandmother to go back to work and buy long term care insurance so she would not need "any one who might not be there for her."
(b) understood why their mother was over stressed from dealing with LW2 and took their turns in trying to deal with LW2 --until she made unrealistic requests from them one by one.
(c) learned that the stereotypes she had believed regarding assisted living facilities were not accurate when she volunteered in one.
or
(d) other

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#15 Apr 18, 2014
PEllen wrote:
There are lots od other reasons on both sides (guy and gal) to get married before a deployment.
Like what? If you were not ready to be married before why would getting deployed change that? I agree with cunzel. I'm not against marriage fir the military i general, but i think marriage cause i'm about to get shipped out is a terrible idea. And I've heard from vets that cheating on deployed spouses is a common occurence.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#16 Apr 18, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Like what? If you were not ready to be married before why would getting deployed change that? I agree with cunzel. I'm not against marriage fir the military i general, but i think marriage cause i'm about to get shipped out is a terrible idea. And I've heard from vets that cheating on deployed spouses is a common occurence.
Yes. The point I was trying to make.
Too many forced pregnancies for deployment too.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#17 Apr 18, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Like what?
Insurance benefits

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Apr 18, 2014
I agree with Edog -- insurance benefits. Also, salary goes up if you're married. Also, death benefits.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#19 Apr 18, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Insurance benefits
And survivor benefits. Morbid, but could be a reason for lots of people.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#20 Apr 18, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Like what? If you were not ready to be married before why would getting deployed change that? I agree with cunzel. I'm not against marriage fir the military i general, but i think marriage cause i'm about to get shipped out is a terrible idea. And I've heard from vets that cheating on deployed spouses is a common occurence.
Some of the reasons that I recall guys in college talking about before they were shipped out to VietNam include making sure the girl friend got the life insurance if he was killed, having some one other than parents to officially make decisions or come home to

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