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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Joliet, IL

#1 May 11, 2012
DEAR ABBY: When I was in sixth grade, my 19-year-old brother, "Ray," came into my room and fondled me late at night. I pretended to be asleep so I didn't have to deal with the situation. I told my mom afterward. She told me not to tell my father and bought a lock for my door.

Years later, when my sister found out what happened to me, she told me Ray had also done it to her. She told Dad and confronted Mom. Neither one ever said anything to Ray. They told us it was "in the past" and to leave it alone.

Because my sister is openly confrontational about it, she isn't invited to family events that he is attending. I am invited because I just ignore him, but it's uncomfortable knowing my parents took his side over that of their two daughters. I won't let my daughter be alone with him -- or with him and my mom, because I don't trust her anymore.

Should I tell my parents I don't want to hear about my brother and no longer want to be around him?-- WRONGED IN GEORGIA

DEAR WRONGED: Yes, if it will make you feel better, by all means do. That your parents would ignore your brother's predatory behavior is appalling. By protecting him, your mother betrayed you and your sister.

You are also wise to be vigilant if he is anywhere around your daughter and to restrict contact with him to a minimum. No child is safe around your brother.

If you and your sister haven't had counseling to come to terms with what happened to you, please consider contacting the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN). The website is wwwdotrainndotorg, and the toll-free number is 800-656-foursixseventhree. Nothing you say to the counselors will shock them, and they will be glad to refer you to someone qualified to help you.

DEAR ABBY: I think my in-laws want my husband to divorce me because I have Asperger's syndrome and bipolar disorder. Sometimes I innocently say things that other family members take offense to. My mother-in-law then calls my husband, tells him what a "nut" I am and how upset "so-and-so" got. This results in huge fights between my husband and me, and it's hurting our marriage.

I have offered to educate my in-laws about bipolar and Asperger's, but they say I'm just making excuses for my behavior. I would like to explain to them that my thought processes aren't the same as everyone else's, so I am going to make mistakes in what I say to people.

I am hurt by their judgment and lack of tolerance. I don't do "bad" things often -- maybe once or twice a year. But instead of overlooking it, they make a big deal out of it because I'm different. They should focus on the good. I do a lot of charity work and would help anyone in need. Their lack of understanding is ruining my marriage. I'm 25 and we have been married for five years. I don't want to throw that away. What do I do?-- AM HOW I AM IN ALABAMA

DEAR "HOW YOU ARE": That your marriage has lasted through five years of your mother-in-law's attempts to undercut it tells me the bond between you and your husband must be a strong one. Does he understand how Asperger's and bipolar disorder affect the brain? If not, then the doctor who prescribes your medication should explain it to him so he can explain to his parents that what they are complaining about is not your fault. And if they don't "get it," a behavioral specialist should explain to them that they should be more patient and understanding with a member of their family.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 May 11, 2012
This sounds like Sublime's neighbor. The question is the personal responsibility for the outward manifestation /behavior of a mental illness.

For LW, I wonder how she dated successfully until affection lead to tolerance by her bf

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#4 May 11, 2012
PEllen wrote:
This sounds like Sublime's neighbor. The question is the personal responsibility for the outward manifestation /behavior of a mental illness.
For LW, I wonder how she dated successfully until affection lead to tolerance by her bf
If she only has awkward moments once or twice a year, that doesn't sound like it would hinder her dating life much. Heck, I say dumb stuff more frequently than that and there's nothing officially wrong with me!
;)

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#5 May 11, 2012
These stories about 'don't tell' sexual assaults make me ill. I'd never be able to live with myself if I purposefully or even unwittingly swept a report of something like this under the table.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#6 May 11, 2012
PEllen wrote:
This sounds like Sublime's neighbor. The question is the personal responsibility for the outward manifestation /behavior of a mental illness.
For LW, I wonder how she dated successfully until affection lead to tolerance by her bf
I'm wonder just how "bad" or wrong the things are that the LW is saying. If she was as bad as they're making out, how did she manage to marry?
Wouldn't she likely be having more problems than JUST her in-laws?
Once or twice a year this happens?
I'm sure if the only times that Sub's neighbour did anything odd was twice a year he'd not be having real problems with them. It's their nutsy ALL the time that makes having them as neighbours a PITA.
Twice a year, I think he'd be watching his calendar and waiting for the crazy like it was a comedy special, and he & Bambi could laugh at them and wouldn't feel creeped out by the dude.
We DO have to have some control of our symptoms, and our actions, but even "normal" people put their foot in their mouth occasionally. Sounds like they don't like her and jump on any opportunity to complain to her husband. Or that they have an old fashioned fear of any mental problems. Or, maybe they're more nuts than she is.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#7 May 11, 2012
Oh, and Georgia? Stay away from him and tell anyone near him that has daughters not to leave them alone with him or sleeping in the same house overnight.
When your parents need care in their later years, leave it to the brother they protected, and show them the same care and support they gave you and your sister.
Seriously, or you'll be kicking yourself later for being taken advantage of by the neglectful piles.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 May 11, 2012
LW1: Your parents are awful. I think you have the green light to distance yourself from them. I wouldn’t want a child of mine anywhere near that guy.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#9 May 11, 2012
1 Was this a single incident, or an ongoing thing? Not that either is appropriate, but one is more damaging than the other. Actually the LW is doing all the right stuff, so refusing to be around her brother should not be a surprise to her parents.

2 Tell them if they dont knock it off you will really embarass them, then do it.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 May 11, 2012
NWmoon wrote:
<quoted text>I'm wonder just how "bad" or wrong the things are that the LW is saying. If she was as bad as they're making out, how did she manage to marry?
Wouldn't she likely be having more problems than JUST her in-laws?
Once or twice a year this happens?
I'm sure if the only times that Sub's neighbour did anything odd was twice a year he'd not be having real problems with them. It's their nutsy ALL the time that makes having them as neighbours a PITA.
Twice a year, I think he'd be watching his calendar and waiting for the crazy like it was a comedy special, and he & Bambi could laugh at them and wouldn't feel creeped out by the dude.
We DO have to have some control of our symptoms, and our actions, but even "normal" people put their foot in their mouth occasionally. Sounds like they don't like her and jump on any opportunity to complain to her husband. Or that they have an old fashioned fear of any mental problems. Or, maybe they're more nuts than she is.
Aside from the constant yelling in the home, the constant watching my wife out one blind, them constantly opening the blinds when ANYTIME working outside so they can keep tabs on what we are doing in our own property, which are a bit creepy and annoying, but something we could live with without altercations, I would say it's about 2 or 3 times a year we've had BIG problems with them.

The thing is, this are big confrontations, not a mere offhand inappropriate comment.

There was him yelling at my kids when they were playing on the swing set (he had done this 3 or 4 times before, but I wasn't home), and when he did it when I was home that's the only time I've confronted him and told him don't talk to my kids again, and if he has a problem with them, he's to come talk to me.

There was the whole invisible dog fence episode, that he went ape sh1t over.

There was this weekend too, when the wife was yelling at me for using equipment I rented a little after 8:00 AM, which is kind of early, but its not like I do that every weekend and I don't feel it's something you confront your neighbor over (if they keep their shyte up, I'll cut my f'ing grass every Saturday at 8:00 AM and do the weed trimming at 8:00 AM every Sunday).

That was followed up by them going ape shyte over a 2 foot high berm that I am building to cover with bark chips and plants.

There was probably 2 other times that he went ape shyte on Bambi for stuff.(I think these were follow up arguments to the invisible fence or him going ape shyte on Bambi for opening the garage door ... he doesn't like when we do that, he says it's too loud)

I guess my kids said they were playing frisbee one time and it landed on their yard and the wife came out, grabbed it, and took it inside, but we didn't know about it until afterwards, which is probably a good thing, because I would have marched over and asked that she give it back.

I really can't stand them.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 May 11, 2012
LW1: Sure. Create any distance from hiom that makes you comfortable. Tell your parents what failures they are.

LW2: what abby said. Also, you could try to minimize your contact with his side of the family.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#12 May 11, 2012
I have to ask about the invisible fence. What happens if your dog gets past it (chasing a squirrel or something) Is he stuck out there?
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Aside from the constant yelling in the home, the constant watching my wife out one blind, them constantly opening the blinds when ANYTIME working outside so they can keep tabs on what we are doing in our own property, which are a bit creepy and annoying, but something we could live with without altercations, I would say it's about 2 or 3 times a year we've had BIG problems with them.
The thing is, this are big confrontations, not a mere offhand inappropriate comment.
There was him yelling at my kids when they were playing on the swing set (he had done this 3 or 4 times before, but I wasn't home), and when he did it when I was home that's the only time I've confronted him and told him don't talk to my kids again, and if he has a problem with them, he's to come talk to me.
There was the whole invisible dog fence episode, that he went ape sh1t over.
There was this weekend too, when the wife was yelling at me for using equipment I rented a little after 8:00 AM, which is kind of early, but its not like I do that every weekend and I don't feel it's something you confront your neighbor over (if they keep their shyte up, I'll cut my f'ing grass every Saturday at 8:00 AM and do the weed trimming at 8:00 AM every Sunday).
That was followed up by them going ape shyte over a 2 foot high berm that I am building to cover with bark chips and plants.
There was probably 2 other times that he went ape shyte on Bambi for stuff.(I think these were follow up arguments to the invisible fence or him going ape shyte on Bambi for opening the garage door ... he doesn't like when we do that, he says it's too loud)
I guess my kids said they were playing frisbee one time and it landed on their yard and the wife came out, grabbed it, and took it inside, but we didn't know about it until afterwards, which is probably a good thing, because I would have marched over and asked that she give it back.
I really can't stand them.

Since: Oct 09

Minneapolis, MN

#13 May 11, 2012
My adult son has Asperger's and the level of ignorance, misinformation, misperceptions, inaccuracies and just plain cruelty and insensitivity coming from OTHER people has always truly astounded me. He's a great kid who tries very hard. I get tired of hearing about how "hard" AS is for others to deal with; try being in the AS shoes for just one day, it's exhausting and draining.

For most people who have a natural social sense, they don't understand that, but for those who don't, everday life can be very, very difficult, even after "training" and counseling. People don't look at the good side of AS, which is the very original, creative, unique way of thinking that has brought society a lot of good. Without people thinking outside the box of what is considered normalcy and conformity, we'd be nowhere. Think scientists, inventors, artists, etc., etc. And they're not lacking in empathy or caring, they just manifest it in a different way.

The U.S. has a much more negative view of AS than Europe, because it's only been recognized in this country since 1994, but for fifty years before that in Europe. There are actually hate groups that promote discrimination against AS in employment, family law, etc., and that foster misinformation and stereotypes about it. Well, they wouldn't consider themselves hate groups, but that's essentially what they are.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#14 May 11, 2012
RACE wrote:
I have to ask about the invisible fence. What happens if your dog gets past it (chasing a squirrel or something) Is he stuck out there?
<quoted text>


Unless he wants to get shocked coming back.

If you train them right, that won't happen, tho, unless the battery on their collar runs out.

When they put the line in, you put little flags in your yard that marks the boundary. Then you walk them around the yard for a few days, a few times a day, and you let them decide if they want to get close to the flags.

If they get to close to the flags, there are two settings on the collar, you can get a warning and then a shock or you can just get a shock. For my cockapoo, she gets a warning and a shock. For my labradoodle from hell, he just gets a shock, because he'll just run through it before he gets a shock.

If they get shocked, using the leash, you pull them back in the opposite direction, so that they learn that when they get shocked that's the direction they want to run, instead of running across the line.

I've had four dogs on it, and I've never had a problem. Depending on how smart the dog is, it can take a few days or a week to train them, but I would highly recommend it. My dogs stay a good 5 feet away from the boundary.

Teddy's battery ran out a few weeks ago and I was working out front, and he kept coming closer, and closer, and closer to the boundary we have in the back, then he ran through, without a shock. So I tested his collar and found out the battery was dead. We changed it, put it on, put him in the back.

He starts doing the same thing, coming closer, and closer, and closer to the boundary, then he turns around and runs the opposite way (he got shocked). He didn't try his his luck after that, again.

I actually cut the line last week (I have to splice it this weekend), while working and they've been out all week without it working and we haven't had any problems.

Since: Oct 09

Minneapolis, MN

#15 May 11, 2012
PEllen wrote:
This sounds like Sublime's neighbor. The question is the personal responsibility for the outward manifestation /behavior of a mental illness.
For LW, I wonder how she dated successfully until affection lead to tolerance by her bf
Sublime's neighbor just sounds like a jerk. Believe it or not, people can be jerks without having any kind of "condition" that causes them to be jerks.

And as the mother of an adult aspie son, AS is not a "disorder", but simply a different way of thinking, perceiving and dealing with the world. As for taking "personal responsibility", you can have all the training and counseling in the world and that will help socially, but you will still just not totally "get it" and, despite trying hard, will always be making social mistakes without the intention of hurting anyone.

Everyday life can be truly exhausting for someone who doesn't have a social sense, it's hard for those of us who do to understand that. If they open their mouth, they're always worried about interpreting things wrong and saying the wrong thing. If they stay quiet to avoid saying the wrong thing, they're accused of being antisocial. And while there may be medication for bipolar, there is no medication for Asperger's.

I've found that often those who claim to have the proper social sense and to have empathy will often have little to no such thing for those who are different in any way and can be crueler than the ones they disparage as being "antisocial."

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#16 May 11, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Aside from the constant yelling in the home, the constant watching my wife out one blind, them constantly opening the blinds when ANYTIME working outside so they can keep tabs on what we are doing in our own property, which are a bit creepy and annoying, but something we could live with without altercations, I would say it's about 2 or 3 times a year we've had BIG problems with them.
The thing is, this are big confrontations, not a mere offhand inappropriate comment.
There was him yelling at my kids when they were playing on the swing set (he had done this 3 or 4 times before, but I wasn't home), and when he did it when I was home that's the only time I've confronted him and told him don't talk to my kids again, and if he has a problem with them, he's to come talk to me.
There was the whole invisible dog fence episode, that he went ape sh1t over.
There was this weekend too, when the wife was yelling at me for using equipment I rented a little after 8:00 AM, which is kind of early, but its not like I do that every weekend and I don't feel it's something you confront your neighbor over (if they keep their shyte up, I'll cut my f'ing grass every Saturday at 8:00 AM and do the weed trimming at 8:00 AM every Sunday).
That was followed up by them going ape shyte over a 2 foot high berm that I am building to cover with bark chips and plants.
There was probably 2 other times that he went ape shyte on Bambi for stuff.(I think these were follow up arguments to the invisible fence or him going ape shyte on Bambi for opening the garage door ... he doesn't like when we do that, he says it's too loud)
I guess my kids said they were playing frisbee one time and it landed on their yard and the wife came out, grabbed it, and took it inside, but we didn't know about it until afterwards, which is probably a good thing, because I would have marched over and asked that she give it back.
I really can't stand them.
Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. If they daily constant crap wasn't happening, if they only made "strange" remarks once or twice a year, you'd hardly have them on your radar. It IS the constant stuff that has it getting on nerves. Topping it off is the fact that it's BIG confrontations, not just a remark here and there.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#17 May 11, 2012
Yeah, I thought I has Aspergers once. Turns out I was just lazy and stupid.

Since: Oct 09

Minneapolis, MN

#18 May 11, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
Yeah, I thought I has Aspergers once. Turns out I was just lazy and stupid.
Well, you may be a lot of things (that I won't get into here!) but, considering you just worked 29 days in a row, it sure doesn't sound like lazy is one of them.

I ain't gonna be commentin' on the other adjective, however. lol
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#19 May 11, 2012
LW1: I totally understand why you didn't deal with the situtaion when you were younger, but now (as an adult) you have the choice to completely disown your brother. Rather than accepting that your sister isn't welcome at family events because of him, you should stop going to those events and get together with your sister instead. Show her now that you are on her side and that your parents are wrong and your brother is a disgusting perv. Let your parents know they've made their choice and continue to make the same choice every time they exclude your sister in favor of your brother.

LW2: I have sympathy, but hopefully the LW recognizes after the fact that she made a mistake and own up to it and apologize and try and make things right. I wonder, too, what the "bad" things are that she says or does. Are they really THAT bad or does she go ape on all her in-laws?

Since: Oct 09

Minneapolis, MN

#20 May 11, 2012
Stina wrote:
LW1: I totally understand why you didn't deal with the situtaion when you were younger, but now (as an adult) you have the choice to completely disown your brother. Rather than accepting that your sister isn't welcome at family events because of him, you should stop going to those events and get together with your sister instead. Show her now that you are on her side and that your parents are wrong and your brother is a disgusting perv. Let your parents know they've made their choice and continue to make the same choice every time they exclude your sister in favor of your brother.
LW2: I have sympathy, but hopefully the LW recognizes after the fact that she made a mistake and own up to it and apologize and try and make things right. I wonder, too, what the "bad" things are that she says or does. Are they really THAT bad or does she go ape on all her in-laws?
If aspies had to always be "apologizing", they'd never get anything else done. Most try very hard and feel badly when they've misinterpreted things and say things the wrong way, but it's exhausting to constantly be worrying about it all the time. If her experience is anything like mine with my son and husband, what she's saying really isn't all that bad, it's just being taken as such by people who don't understand that not everyone has a social sense and that, if you don't have it, you don't understand social cues and what should and should not be said. You aren't intentionally trying to hurt anyone.

My aunt once didn't talk to my son for a whole frickin' year because he said something at a family gathering once that she took as disrespectful to her father, but what he didn't mean that way at all. In my opinion, SHE was the one with the problem, refusing to understand where he was coming from.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#21 May 11, 2012
One of the people who works in my building has Aspergers. Those who work with him say that he is a brilliant programmer. Socially, he is inept; nobody talks to him and he just talks to himself. I hope that researchers can find a cure for this. It's sad to see someone with such a good mind and no communication skills.

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