“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Dec 28, 2013
Dear Amy: I am a middle-aged man. An old friend who lives out of state was recently home for a visit and was showing me some photographs. In one of the photos I saw a teenager in the background and nearly fell off my chair! She looks like she belongs in my family. She looks just like me!

My friend told me she had visited my former fiancee, whom she had not seen in years. When meeting her daughter and discovering her age, my friend became convinced I am the teen's father.

I have not seen nor spoken to my former fiancee since shortly after we broke off our engagement, primarily because we both moved to other states.

We are now both married and have families. I am quite sure that I am the father of this beautiful teenager but am completely perplexed as to what I should do next. Do I share this with my family? Do I contact my former fiancee? I so want to do what is right; I just don't know what to do.— Confused

Dear Confused: The first thing you should do is share your theory with your wife (but not your children). This is a situation that has an impact on your whole family; she deserves to know. Ask for her support. You should also see a lawyer to explore the legal issues. If the teenager is your daughter, what are the legal implications for all of you? If your former fiancee categorically denies you are the child's father, what are your options?

Try to prepare yourself for a wide range of issues and possible reactions, but remember that so far this is nothing more than conjecture. When you feel ready, you should approach your former fiancee in an attitude of openness.

Dear Amy: I have been in a relationship for almost a year. My past relationships were not all that healthy. They were full of lies and control, which has shaped my trust and faith in relationships in ways that are not healthy.

Though my partner is caring and loving, I can't help but be negative in my thoughts. I am always expecting the worst. I think and fear that he is being unfaithful or is losing interest.

So far I have kept my thoughts hidden, but I am slowly acting on these feelings by being irrational and quiet.

I try to dismiss these thoughts, but they are slowly making me depressed. I am missing out on an amazing man, and I can't help it.

I have been thinking recently about getting some counseling, maybe even talking to him about my insecurities, but I'd appreciate your help.— Worried

Dear Worried: Here is a truism: We create our own realities. Your insecurities are rising up, and if you're not careful they, and not you, will be running your show. You are already pulling back from your relationship.

Do not make your current partner pay for the crimes and misdemeanors of your previous ones. One wonderful thing about being in a loving, healthy relationship is that you get to embark on the world as a new and improved version of yourself, hand in hand with someone else.

Therapy could definitely help you understand your own motivations and choices. Understanding yourself is the key to behaving differently.

Dear Amy: Here is a response to "Hollering Back" and others who don't listen to their voice mail.

I work at a school and have to call parents and leave messages. In the grown-up world, people convey information through messages. I leave the whole message, and later a parent will call and say, "Somebody called me from this number." This is confusing when the school receptionist has no idea who left the message or why. I'm sure other businesses have this problem too. I can't believe how lazy people are, that they can't push a button and listen to a message!— Vickie in Alaska

Dear Vickie: I have been shocked by how many people report never listening to voice mail and can imagine how frustrating this is for you.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Dec 28, 2013
1.Two points jump out and grab us by the throat.

First, what does your ex-fiance's husband look like?

Second, this is probably a fake letter because it is too close in fact pattern to the one run yesterday

2. LW got a clue. Hip hop hooray. This explains why so many people grouch about never finding anyone decent to date or marry
liner

Patchogue, NY

#3 Dec 28, 2013
L1: If no one has contacted you after all these years, why are you so concerned now?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#4 Dec 28, 2013
liner wrote:
L1: If no one has contacted you after all these years, why are you so concerned now?
A visiting friend recently showed him a photo.

If he has a daughter out there, he has a right to know. And so does she.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#5 Dec 28, 2013
PEllen wrote:
First, what does your ex-fiance's husband look like?
Unless it's his twin brother, I'm gonna go with his instinct.

As a non-parent, as far as I know, I'm gonna speak for parents: you know your kid.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#6 Dec 28, 2013
PEllen wrote:
Second, this is probably a fake letter because it is too close in fact pattern to the one run yesterday
I wouldn't be surprised by the number of people who might have an unknown kid somewhere.
Blunt Advice

Oakland, NJ

#7 Dec 28, 2013
1 funny how when a guy finds out someone he was with is pregnant he thinks it must be some other guy, but when the kid is grown (and no longer eligible for child support) is convinced his super sperm has spawned kids worldwide? Dude. If there was any chance thjs was yours you would have known years ago. Get over yourself.
2. Counseling to help you get some self esteem.
3. Worse is when you want to leave message but mail box is full.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#8 Dec 28, 2013
Blunt Advice wrote:
but when the kid is grown (and no longer eligible for child support)
The kid is a teenager. Teenagers range in age from 13 to 19. Back child support can continue well into the kid's adulthood.

Know a woman, who got screwed by attorneys, who is forced to pay back child support for her 23 year old son.
liner

Patchogue, NY

#9 Dec 28, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
The kid is a teenager. Teenagers range in age from 13 to 19. Back child support can continue well into the kid's adulthood.
Know a woman, who got screwed by attorneys, who is forced to pay back child support for her 23 year old son.
"Back" child support is only owed and payable when a court has ordered it to be paid when the child was a minor. I don't believe a court could begin to order support to start after the child becomes an adult. But who knows these days......
Blunt Advice

Oakland, NJ

#10 Dec 28, 2013
You have a point there. But isn't it ironic how when it's not yet born or a baby they deny and avoid the responsibility but when it's a promising successful adult it mis be theirs?(Like the letter yesterday)

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Dec 28, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Unless it's his twin brother, I'm gonna go with his instinct.
As a non-parent, as far as I know, I'm gonna speak for parents: you know your kid.
A lot of people, women and men have a "type" they are attracted to. Some like shorter blond men, others 6 foot and dark. If the old GF had a "type, it is not inconceivable that she chose her next BF because of his looks which happened to be like LW's.

As for knowing one's own kid, no that's not true. My girls were in daycare. At about 18 months, I went to pick the older one up . the face looked right, the onesy looked right,I lifted the kid and could immediately tell it was the wrong weight . Meg's mom and I were friends and we have laughed about that story for years. Looking at pictures from that time, it is hard to know which is which.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#12 Dec 28, 2013
liner wrote:
I don't believe a court could begin to order support to start after the child becomes an adult.
Nah... different states may have different laws, but a father, or mother, may owe back child support regardless of the child's current age.

If my 19 year old daughter came forward and pressed charges, I could very well be ordered to pay 18 years of back child support.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#13 Dec 28, 2013
Blunt Advice wrote:
But isn't it ironic how when it's not yet born or a baby they deny and avoid the responsibility but when it's a promising successful adult it mis be theirs?
You're stereotyping, and watching too many reality shows.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#14 Dec 28, 2013
PEllen wrote:
My girls were in daycare. At about 18 months, I went to pick the older one up . the face looked right, the onesy looked right,I lifted the kid and could immediately tell it was the wrong weight . Meg's mom and I were friends and we have laughed about that story for years. Looking at pictures from that time, it is hard to know which is which.
Now come on, I just can't agree. Unless other moms come on here and admit they can't pick out their kids in a crowd, I'm just gonna have to assume you were a terrible mother
;p
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#15 Dec 28, 2013
LW1: Shades of yesterday, and I will lead with the same opinion. You can't just waltz into this child's life and expect to be warmly welcomed by this teenager and her parents regardless of whether or not you are bio-dad. Think this over very carefully before you disrupt everyone's lives. I agree with Amy that if you choose to walk down this path, your wife is the first person you should tell. Then you should find out exactly how old this teenager is and when your former fiancée married. Reconcile the teen's age with the last time that you were intimate with your former fiancée as closely as possible. Court records are public, so the marriage date should be on record. If you need a lawyer and a private detective, hire them. Do not contact your former fiancée unless your wife is supportive and there's an extremely good chance that the child could be yours. A lot of people who are unrelated look alike. I have two friends whose fathers look like brothers. One friend's little daughter could not distinguish the other friend's father from her own grandfather. Looks can be deceiving.

LW2 and LW3 Team Blunt Advice.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 28 min OzRitz 52,691
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 2 hr Guru 186,834
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 2 hr John Galt 1,216,369
{keep A word drop A word} (Oct '11) 2 hr _Zoey_ 5,882
New Rapper Seven Dyce 3 hr Seven Dyce 1
News Israeli troops begin Gaza pullout as Hamas decl... (Jan '09) 5 hr TRD 69,598
anybody know Glen Musielak? Glentech? (Mar '13) 6 hr Glen M 81
More from around the web

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]