“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#21 Feb 19, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
The trust is broken. I would not have a prbolem with a spouse using/going through my phone -- but ask first.
By the time you are going through someone's phone b/c you don't trust them, it's way past time for a marriage counsellor and/or talking one-on-one. If it's that bad that you have to spy, you don't really have a marriage, do you?
Oh oh oh, here's another one. Sometimes, my phone will be almost dead and I'm heading out the door to run some errands. On those occasions, I have been known to put mine on the charger and just grab my wife's phone on the way out the door. Sometimes, WITHOUT EVEN TELLING HER! If someone were to call her, I would simply answer and tell them to call her on my phone.

Since: Oct 09

United States

#22 Feb 19, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
It's only a privacy matter if you have things on your phone that you consider private ... like messages between a co-worker who you share intimate details of your marriage with and make suggestive marks to that you want to keep private because you know your spouse would not appreciate.
I couldn't care less if my wife went through my phone. I have nothing that I feel a need to keep private on it.
I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I don't have anything to hide and never will, but I'm also very protective of my privacy and personal space. it has nothing to do with "keeping any secrets" or anything like that. In turn, I give hubby that same privilege. I believe that, as long as they are behaving appropriately, spouses have the right to at least some personal autonomy and space. I would feel ver smothered if I didn't have that. And I give hubby the same.

Now, I do strongly agree that this wife is a cheater and a liar and is behaving very wrongly and in appropriately. in this case, the husband did have every right to do what he did. He's being a lot more patient than I would be. If it were me, I'd insist on intensive marriage counseling and some serious work on the marriage, with marked,permanent progress,or I'd be out the door. No spouse, husband or wife, should have to put up with that.

If it were a case of a co-worker who was after the spouse and who wouldn't take no for an answer even knowing the person was married (which happened to hubby a few years ago; he did finally manage to deal with it by complaining to HR and having the necessary documentation), that is quite different. But that's not the case here at all.i

Since: Oct 09

United States

#23 Feb 19, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Because I'm not "snooping" into anything that I consider private. Looking up a phone number is far different than going thru her messages. Back when I was a kid, we kept numbers in an address book that sat next to the phone that was tethered to the wall. I see looking at her phone for a number as no different than looking thru THAT address book. Additionally, we have no house phone. So if I need to make a call and my phone is upstairs, but hers is sitting next to me on the counter, I'm using her phone. She can and does take the same liberties with my phone.
Now its time to really make your head spin. I go thru her purse too. When i am doing finances and gathering rcts for things we charged to the cc, i go thru her purse to get them. She knows. She tells me to. And when she needs cash and has none, she sometimes goea thru my wallet looking for some.
Sometimes, while looking for rcts, I find appt cards for a dr appt. I take them out and enter them into our shared google calendar then throw the card away.
I think it's up to each couple how they want to handle such things. I have nothing to hide, but I don't like anyone, including hubby, to go through my purse or personal belongings and I don't like to go through his wallet for something even if he's given permission. But others are different, like you and your wife, and to each his own as long as it is mutually voluntary.

I think part of why I'm the way I am is because,first, I'm an only child so I always had my "own" of everything, and,second, my mother was, and is, a horrible snoop with no sense of privacy or boundaries at all. She never even knocked before coming into my room and still doesn't, even though I'm almost fifty. She constantly went through everything, always opened my mail and always demanded to know what the mail she didn't open was, even when I was an adult. Worst of all, she listened in to my phone calls on the other phone and would even interrupt or intervene with her own opinions on what was supposed to have been a private talk. My friends stopped calling me or talking to me if I called from home,understandably. or she would listen to my side of the conversation and then demand to know everything based on what she thought she heard. She even did this after I became an adult. I will not talk on my cell phone (the only kind I have now) in front of her.

Hubby, otoh, has several siblings and so has less of a strong sense of privacy than I do. His ex was a lot like my mother, so he was amazed and pleased that I don't go through his phone and his stuff all the time.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#24 Feb 19, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Funny, but my wife and I trust each other completely. Having the leeway to use each other's phones without expressed written consent on a per use basis does not hinder that trust. Its indicative of that trust.
I agree completely. Yet I think as a matter of respect, I'd ask my husband his permission to look in his wallet, on his phone, or in his e-mail for something. I expect the same from him. I'd be shocked, though, if he said "no." I know I wouldn't say "no."

I also knock on my older daughter's bedroom door before I come in. Am I weird?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#25 Feb 19, 2014
Judge Janie wrote:
I think it's up to each couple how they want to handle such things.
Certainly.
Judge Janie wrote:
I have nothing to hide, but I don't like anyone, including hubby, to go through my purse or personal belongings and I don't like to go through his wallet for something even if he's given permission.
To me, there's a big difference between looking for something that you know would not be a problem were you to "ask" first, and going thru a purse/phone/etc for the sole purpose of snooping and if you have trust, the assumption is that reasons for any such action are for legitimate purposes and not snooping.
Judge Janie wrote:
I think part of why I'm the way I am is because...my mother was, and is, a horrible snoop with no sense of privacy or boundaries at all.
I don't know that my parents were snoops(though as far as I'm concerned, that's a parent's right), but I discussed this with Angela(hi Angela!) before. The door to my bedroom did not even have a door knob. Knocking was not something practiced in my home. My parents came in whenever they needed something.
Judge Janie wrote:
She constantly went through everything, always opened my mail and always demanded to know what the mail she didn't open was, even when I was an adult. Worst of all, she listened in to my phone calls
Never had either listen in on my calls as far as I know, but my dad, would definitely open mail addressed to me(mom would chastise him for that). Didn't really bother me since it was typically some sort of junk mail.
Judge Janie wrote:
Hubby, otoh, has several siblings and so has less of a strong sense of privacy than I do.
I had a much younger sister. And I would often come home to have to kick her and her friends out of my room. I had the bigger room with the cooler stuff, and so they would want to hang out in there.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#26 Feb 19, 2014
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
I agree completely. Yet I think as a matter of respect, I'd ask my husband his permission to look in his wallet, on his phone, or in his e-mail for something. I expect the same from him. I'd be shocked, though, if he said "no." I know I wouldn't say "no."
I also knock on my older daughter's bedroom door before I come in. Am I weird?
Not weird. But I was just answering Judge's questions. I just think it all depends on the collective comfort level between those involved. If my wife had a problem with it, I would never touch her phone, but to be honest, the fact that it was a problem would bother me and probably be more likely to have me wondering about if she was hiding something.

As for the collective comfort level, in the past, there have been letters about adult kids walking into their parents house without knocking first. Many here thought it so disrespectful. MY dad gave me a key, without me asking, when they got new locks put on. And if I forget my key and have to ring the bell, the first thing he asks when opens the door and sees me, is "Why didn't you just use your key?"

Basically, what some of yall have as big bright non-negotiable boundaries, in my life they are lightly drawn lines in the sand with the people involved

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#27 Feb 19, 2014
Judge Janie wrote:
<quoted text>I guess we're going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I don't have anything to hide and never will, but I'm also very protective of my privacy and personal space. it has nothing to do with "keeping any secrets" or anything like that. In turn, I give hubby that same privilege. I believe that, as long as they are behaving appropriately, spouses have the right to at least some personal autonomy and space. I would feel ver smothered if I didn't have that. And I give hubby the same.
I respect your position. What would make me feel smothered would not be a one time occurrence. It would be if it were a pattern, E.g. if time after time she kept snooping. A one time event ... especially if it reassures her, I'm not going to feel like its a huge violation. Constant surveillance, yeah ... F' that ... that would be REALLY annoying.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#28 Feb 19, 2014
If you have no problem with it, why is permission necessary? Is permission also needed for your sock drawer? Your purse? Glove box? Email? Postal mail?

Where is this line drawn, and how the hello is your spouse supposed to know where it is unless he asks for your permission before doing anything?

Seems awfully rigid and arbitrary.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
The trust is broken. I would not have a prbolem with a spouse using/going through my phone -- but ask first.
By the time you are going through someone's phone b/c you don't trust them, it's way past time for a marriage counsellor and/or talking one-on-one. If it's that bad that you have to spy, you don't really have a marriage, do you?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#29 Feb 19, 2014
RACE wrote:
If you have no problem with it, why is permission necessary? Is permission also needed for your sock drawer? Your purse? Glove box? Email? Postal mail?
Where is this line drawn, and how the hello is your spouse supposed to know where it is unless he asks for your permission before doing anything?
Seems awfully rigid and arbitrary.
<quoted text>
Permission may not be needed but it is a courtesy.

Husband won't go in my purse unless I tell him to get something out. I am not sure he has ever asked..

I don;t bother his stuff including his phone.

We never had to ask each other- it was always a matter of respecting each other's spheres/ zones

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#30 Feb 20, 2014
The only difference I can see between those who ask and those who dont is that those who ask, never do, because they say never want anything from their SO's stuff (purse,phone,wallet), But I am thinking the reality is that they ask the SO to get whatever for them instead of them doing it themselves.

However, if one person was in the shower, I cant see them asking permission to look into one of those things to get the number for the pizza joint, or money for the pizza delivery guy.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#31 Feb 20, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Funny, but my wife and I trust each other completely. Having the leeway to use each other's phones without expressed written consent on a per use basis does not hinder that trust. Its indicative of that trust.
Ya, but you're a tech guy. You wouldn't screw it up.:D

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#32 Feb 20, 2014
RACE wrote:
If you have no problem with it, why is permission necessary? Is permission also needed for your sock drawer? Your purse? Glove box? Email? Postal mail?
Where is this line drawn, and how the hello is your spouse supposed to know where it is unless he asks for your permission before doing anything?
Seems awfully rigid and arbitrary.
<quoted text>
It's my stuff, not someone else's, that's why.

Sock drawer -- you better ask if you can take my socks.
Purse? Definitely
Glove box -- why are you using my car? If you asked if you could use my car, and you need to get in the glove box, that's okay. Permission to the car is permission to the car.
Email -- use your own.
Postal Mail -- get your paws off if it is addressed to me

If it belongs to me, ask.

I'm a private person to begin with. Came from a large family where nothing was my own. Married and divorced from a nut case.

Yes, you better ask before you take.

Rigid? Heh, so be it. It's my stuff.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#33 Feb 20, 2014
RACE wrote:
The only difference I can see between those who ask and those who dont is that those who ask, never do, because they say never want anything from their SO's stuff (purse,phone,wallet), But I am thinking the reality is that they ask the SO to get whatever for them instead of them doing it themselves.
However, if one person was in the shower, I cant see them asking permission to look into one of those things to get the number for the pizza joint, or money for the pizza delivery guy.
Who gets in the shower right after ordering pizza?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#34 Feb 20, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Ya, but yu're a tech guy. You wouldn't screw it up.:D
And your desire to be asked permission first is so that you can supervise your man to ensure he does not screw up your phone while searching for a number? Are you dating chimps?

:)

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#35 Feb 20, 2014
I imagine someone who needs one.

If there are two peeps in the house, why would you not take one if you need it? Pizza takes like 40 min to get there anyway.

If your in the shower and your phone has the # to the pizza place, your SO is supposed to ask for you blessing before they can order? Screw that, you order when you get out of the shower. If your that anal about your phone, I suggest you have issues.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Who gets in the shower right after ordering pizza?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#36 Feb 20, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
It's my stuff, not someone else's, that's why.
Sock drawer -- you better ask if you can take my socks.
Purse? Definitely
Glove box -- why are you using my car? If you asked if you could use my car, and you need to get in the glove box, that's okay. Permission to the car is permission to the car.
Email -- use your own.
Postal Mail -- get your paws off if it is addressed to me
If it belongs to me, ask.
I'm a private person to begin with. Came from a large family where nothing was my own. Married and divorced from a nut case.
Yes, you better ask before you take.
Rigid? Heh, so be it. It's my stuff.
And there lies the personality difference. And I DO think its a personality trait and does not have anything to do with your environment growing up. You attribute it to having a large family where nothing was yours. Janie attributes it to being an only child and not having to share.

Either way, I am not like that. My attitude with housemates is what's mine is yours to use. Of course I have primary dibs on my stuff, but you are free to use it as long as it does not hinder me from using it. Granted, that only extends to the car in the case of my wife. Likewise my need for privacy is way lower wirh my wife than with a room mate.

But to give an example of how I am the opposite of "mine-mine-mine!", I had a room mate once who wanted me to get her a particular CD for her birthday. I said why? I already have that cd. To me, it was dumb to get another copy of a cd already in the apartment that she had full access to. To her, she wanted HER OWN copy. Puzzles me to this day over 15 years later.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#37 Feb 20, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>And your desire to be asked permission first is so that you can supervise your man to ensure he does not screw up your phone while searching for a number? Are you dating chimps?
:)
Nope, making a joke to you. Wasn't that funny.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#38 Feb 20, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>But to give an example of how I am the opposite of "mine-mine-mine!", I had a room mate once who wanted me to get her a particular CD for her birthday. I said why? I already have that cd. To me, it was dumb to get another copy of a cd already in the apartment that she had full access to. To her, she wanted HER OWN copy. Puzzles me to this day over 15 years later.
You're most likely not roommates anymore. You have your CD and your old roommate has hers.

That could be one reason.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#39 Feb 20, 2014
RACE wrote:
I imagine someone who needs one.
If there are two peeps in the house, why would you not take one if you need it? Pizza takes like 40 min to get there anyway.
If your in the shower and your phone has the # to the pizza place, your SO is supposed to ask for you blessing before they can order? Screw that, you order when you get out of the shower. If your that anal about your phone, I suggest you have issues.
<quoted text>
Well, then in your eyes I have issues. But I do trust my fellow man enough not to carry a gun wherever I go.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#40 Feb 20, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>And there lies the personality difference. And I DO think its a personality trait and does not have anything to do with your environment growing up. You attribute it to having a large family where nothing was yours. Janie attributes it to being an only child and not having to share.
You're probably right. Although I will say that stuff about not asking didn't bother me near as much as it did after my experience when I was married to a person who would twist everything under the sun into some weird kind of scheme against him and was without regard to other people and was extremely selfish. He would take my car whenever (never asked if he knew I wasn't going to be needing it and at the time didn't care) and the car got trashed in how it was driven and the neglect he showed it while driving (although he didn't crash it). He recorded my phone calls without my knowledge (and found out I only spoke to my girlfriends and my mom about everyday mundane stuff). Had a friend spy on me and found out that during the day I do laundry.(sigh -- I could write a book)

So it might be a mix for me -- little environment and a bit of personality.

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