Comments
1 - 20 of 20 Comments Last updated Oct 23, 2012

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#1
Oct 23, 2012
 
DEAR AMY: My son recently became engaged to a girl whose parents are vegans (although she isn't). They invited my husband and me to dinner and served a vegan meal, which we graciously ate and enjoyed.

We always host Thanksgiving dinner at our home, and I invited them to join us. I offered to prepare an all-vegan meal for them. Their answer was that they would be unable to eat in a home where there are dead animal products served at the table. In other words, if there is turkey on the table, they cannot attend.

Amy, my family enjoys the traditional Thanksgiving meal every year. I don't think it's fair to dictate what we should serve. My son said I should just make a vegan meal for everyone to keep the peace. My family will not attend Thanksgiving dinner under those circumstances, and I don't blame them. How should I handle this?-- Meat Lovers

DEAR MEAT LOVERS: Despite what your son says, you should not assume that "the peace" is at stake. If these people are consistent, this means they cannot enjoy a meal or snack in many homes, restaurants or coffee shops. This is their choice, and after trying to reasonably accommodate them, you should respond with acceptance.

Do not put your son or his fiance in the middle of this. Tell her parents that you hope they would be able to join you on Thanksgiving Day for dessert (no mince pie this year). If they refuse the invitation, say you'd enjoy hosting them another time. Be friendly and maintain a cheerful attitude of understanding, but do not let them control you.

DEAR AMY: I recently found that my girlfriend has on at least one recent occasion contacted an ex-boyfriend without telling me, despite what I thought was an understanding on both our parts that this could spell disaster for our relationship. Unfortunately, I discovered this by snooping in her (left open) email account. Therefore, if I want to confront her with this, I must first admit to my own deceitfulness, and then address hers.

I am certain she loves me and that she is not still continuing, nor even trying to continue, a relationship with him. But he has been a sore spot in our relationship, and her being in contact with him will not help matters. So what should I do with this information? I want to bring it to her attention. I want her to understand how hurtful this is.-- Sad

DEAR SAD: If you are absolutely certain that your girlfriend is not trying to have a romantic relationship with her ex, then maybe you should work harder to let go of your own restrictions. Trust is a choice. If you cannot resist bringing this up, tell her exactly what you did and how you feel about what you discovered. Tell her you don't want to have secrets and encourage her to talk.

DEAR AMY: "Not a Scrooge" did not want to exchange gifts with her in-law family and their children. As our family grew through marriage and children, holidays became not only stressful but increasingly expensive. Our solution (which has been ongoing for more than 30 years) has proved not only successful but extremely entertaining.

Around Thanksgiving, whoever is hosting puts all the family names in a bowl and gives one name to each participant, who then buys a gift for that relative. The fun part is that we have to write a poem that gives a clue to the giver's identity, and the recipient has to guess who the giver is.

Each adult gets an adult and each child gets a child to buy for. The poems are hilarious and have turned into a contest of wits and talent, and nobody feels they are going broke. It does not become about the gift but about the relationships between the givers and recipients.-- Mrs. O

DEAR MRS. O: This is brilliant. I hope people will be inspired to adopt your idea this year.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#2
Oct 23, 2012
 
1- Offering to cook a separate vegan dish was more than generous. If they even refuse that, tell them to screw off then.

2- On one hand it sounds like you may be a bit controlling. I think it's possible to remain friends after a break up. However, if she's being shady and sneaky about it, there's definitely a cause for concern.

3- What a novel idea!

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#3
Oct 23, 2012
 
L1: Vegans can dictate what and where they eat just as rightfully as you can dictate what is served in your own home. "We'll miss you," would be my response.

Don't you think the "unable to eat in a home where there are dead animal products served at the table" stance is taking their dietary choices a little too far?

L2: You 2 deceitful liars deserve each other! Do yourself a favor and be 100% sure you can trust her, and look at your own behavior and come to a truce with your insecurity before you commit to her or any other woman.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#4
Oct 23, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1

L1: Amy's right. Why are you upset over their choice? They didn't say they are angry over your choice? Bring some grace into the conversation with them.

L2: Quit snooping, start talking. Sounds like you both have issues.

L3: Sounds like it works for your family.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#5
Oct 23, 2012
 
Lw1: Get used to your son and wife alternating which parents they spend thanksgiving with. Its not that big a deal.

LW2: If you believe she loves you and even after snooping don't see any evidence that she would try to get back together with him, then what's your deal? Why the problem with her being in contact with him?

LW3: Secret Santa with pathetic poem. Got it.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#6
Oct 23, 2012
 
L1: Wow, I'm very pro-vegetarian and pro-vegan, but this couple takes the cake. Are they so terribly fragile and delicate that they can't possible eat in a home where people eat meat? "My son said I should just make a vegan meal for everyone to keep the peace." Your son is 100% wrong and needs to learn to have his family's back as much as he has his in-laws-to-be's backs.

"Do not let them control you." I don't think they are trying to control the LW (yet). She's taking it that way but she doesn't have to. I'm sure this vegan couple has been told "Oh, sorry to hear that, have a nice time" many times by people who were uninterested in catering to their unrealistic demands for dining.

L2: What Amy said. Grow up and learn to accept that the women you date will have previous relationships and sometimes, remain friends with men they dated. I suspect this ex is a "sore spot" because you've been a PITA about it.

L3: Nice tradition. Many families do this, sans poetry reading.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#7
Oct 23, 2012
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW3: Secret Santa with pathetic poem. Got it.
HA!

I will say, Nick's siblings approached him before last christmas and asked whether they should be exchanging gifts with me, did I want to do that, etc.(The siblings don't give each other gifts, but I give gifts to the two nieces, and I chip in with Nick for a gift card for his brother, since the brother is buying for four kids and gets nothing in return from his siblings.)

I told him absolutely not! I do not need to add two people to my gift list, and they don't need to add me. I don't need the expense and hassle, and they don't either.

I already know what I'm getting Nick's parents, so I feel great relief over that.

Since: Mar 09

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#8
Oct 23, 2012
 
L1: What edog & Angela said.

L2: I need more info. What exactly was the understanding you thought you had, and why is there a sore spot?

L3: Wow, thank you for this revolutionary idea. In any case, glad it works for your family.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#9
Oct 23, 2012
 
I think the LW made a very generous offer, to make a separate vegan meal for the vegans. However, unless you're used to vegan cooking, it's not something to experiment with on Thanksgiving.

Also, if son wants a vegan thanksgiving so badly, he can do it, not ask mommy to do it. Grow up son. And stop giving up who you are in order to suck up to your future in laws. Their own daughter has chosen to not be vegan.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#10
Oct 23, 2012
 

Judged:

1

1 You are the one with your panties in a twist. You offered, they declined. Move on and dont worry about it.

2 Save that little factiod till you have a chance to clobber her over the head with it.

3 What Tonka said.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#11
Oct 23, 2012
 
LW1: When they said they couldn’t be in a home with dead animal products on the table, I would have said, well then, I hope you have a lovely Thanksgiving.

You don’t need both sets of parents at one place. If the married couple wants to see both sets of parents on that day, then they can do what many folks do and go see one set of parents early and the other set later in the day.

LW2: IF you are certain she is not continuing or trying to continue to be in a relationship with him, then I wouldn’t even bring it up.

LW3: That sounds fun.

Since: Mar 09

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#12
Oct 23, 2012
 
Toj wrote:
L1: Amy's right. Why are you upset over their choice? They didn't say they are angry over your choice? Bring some grace into the conversation with them.
Angry? No, but:
"Their answer was that they would be unable to eat in a home where there are dead animal products served at the table."

That's pretty passive-aggressive and rude, if not angry. Assuming it was actually put this bluntly.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#13
Oct 23, 2012
 
I'm okay with how the vegans stated it -- I think they just wanted LW to understand why they would turn this invitation down AND future invitations, so LW wouldn't take it personally.

However, a better way would have been to refer to their "dietary restrictions" as a reason, and LW would have understood, most likely, that they meant "We can't eat there when you're eating meat at the same meal."

Since: Mar 09

United States

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#14
Oct 23, 2012
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I'm okay with how the vegans stated it -- I think they just wanted LW to understand why they would turn this invitation down AND future invitations, so LW wouldn't take it personally.
However, a better way would have been to refer to their "dietary restrictions" as a reason, and LW would have understood, most likely, that they meant "We can't eat there when you're eating meat at the same meal."
I think the phrase "dead animals" is rubbing me the wrong way. It's not like they're butchering a cow in their kitchen!
:)

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#15
Oct 23, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
I think the phrase "dead animals" is rubbing me the wrong way. It's not like they're butchering a cow in their kitchen!
:)
Ya, but that's probably how they see it. I don't mind that other people see it that way as long as they keep their hands off my chicken and fish and let me eat in peace. Believe what you want to believe -- I'll respect your choice, so respect mine kind of thing.

So I'm guessing a leather covered tabletop would not be a good thing for that family.

I'm wondering how far they take it -- is it okay if you have leather goods in the home (thinking of shoes, furniture, apparell)?
PEllen

Chicago, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#16
Oct 23, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
I think the phrase "dead animals" is rubbing me the wrong way. It's not like they're butchering a cow in their kitchen!
:)
Don't forget those forbidden cheeses, eggs and honey that are lurking in the cupboard
Sam I Am

Huntingdon, TN

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#17
Oct 23, 2012
 
1. This is why I hate vegans as most (that I have come across) have some form of this attitude. The LW offered to prepare vegan offerings, but that is not enough for them. Gently explain that you are willing to accommodate their diet but not their restrictions on others. They have made a choice for themselves, that does not allow them to burden everyone else.

I think you should drug them, tie them up, and when they wake, make them watch the massacre scene in Watership Down and footage from slaughterhouses.

2. You trust her or you don't. Which is it?

3. Good for you.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#18
Oct 23, 2012
 
LW1: LW was being most gracious in offering to prepare a vegan meal in addition to her traditional turkey meal for her son's girlfriend's parents. Their response was beyond rude. I'd tell them, "We'll see you another time, then" and plan Thanksgiving as usual.

LW2: I don't see a problem with staying in touch with exes as long as both are clear that it's only a cordial/friendly relationship. What IS a problem is LW dictating that they not be in touch at all and LW's girlfriend agreeing to that and then contacting him anyway. Tell her you snooped and then have a discussion.

LW3: Yes, that's the way most big families do the gift-giving.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#19
Oct 23, 2012
 
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
I think the phrase "dead animals" is rubbing me the wrong way. It's not like they're butchering a cow in their kitchen!
:)
and this also seems, to me at least, that they are moral vegans as opposed to health vegans. and the comment about no mincemeat pies kinda misses the point... the traditional pumpkin is out of teh question too. i'm not sure about pecan, it woudl depend on teh recipe.

i've realized over the last couple years that i make several vegetarian sides, and i've started to challenge myself to make a vegan one or two. however, my creamed spinach is never any of the above and add treyf (non-kosher) to the list. just no way to make it without the bacon!!

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

|
Report Abuse
|
Judge it!
|
#20
Oct 23, 2012
 
LW1 - what others have said - you made hte offer, they turned it down (albeit perhaps rudely). accept it, and say we'll catch you another time then.

LW3 - yippee. the idea of secret santa/grab bag for larger families is nothign new. my niece (who just got married) is asking for christmas gift ideas. hubby is inclined to say we'll meet for dinner antoehr time. his grandmother used to send the grandkids $10 for christmas and/or birthdays until they got married. tehn that gravy train ended ( i think hubby was the last, and by then, starving student that he was, he wouldn't cash grandma's check).

Tell me when this thread is updated: (Registration is not required)

Add to my Tracker Send me an email

Type in your comments below
Name
(appears on your post)
Comments
Characters left: 4000
Type the numbers you see in the image on the right:

Please note by clicking on "Post Comment" you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

86 Users are viewing the Chicago Forum right now

Search the Chicago Forum:
Title Updated Last By Comments
last post wins! (Apr '13) 3 min Concerned_American 304
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 4 min Lily Boca Raton FL 1,083,356
Amy 7-30 17 min Pippa 13
Abby 7-30 30 min Sublime1 8
Ill. House Approves Legalizing Same-Sex Civil U... (Dec '10) 41 min Terry rigsby 49,008
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 1 hr LRS 175,089
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 1 hr Stina2 97,575
•••
•••
Chicago Dating

more search filters

less search filters

•••

Chicago Jobs

•••
Enter and win $5000
•••
•••

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

•••

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago
•••

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]
•••