“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 May 29, 2014
DEAR AMY: My daughter is nearly 30 and has been living with her boyfriend for four years. They have a sweet and respectful relationship, and we like him very much. He is very busy outside of work, and she has completed an advanced degree and landed a terrific job. She wants kids eventually, and she has told her boyfriend that.

He recently told her he's not sure he wants children and that he still has no wish to get married.

My daughter is hurt, but she is also wise enough to know that ultimatums don't work. Recently, she asked me for advice, and I tiptoed around it, but I wanted to scream: "Get out! Don't waste another second of your precious youth with this guy." I feared that she would blame me if they broke up.

Amy, I don't know what to do. I don't really blame him for being on a different timetable, but the reality is that I don't want to have any more to do with him. My daughter has generally conducted her life beautifully.

My friends continually carp on the fact that she is not engaged, and the reason that this carping gets to me is that I agree: She deserves to be engaged and to have every good thing in life. But my husband has pointed out that I have some personal stake here and some feeling of rejection myself.

Amy, should I tell my daughter what I really think and urge her to leave him, or should I back off and watch this play out?-- Sick at Heart

DEAR SICK: Let's revisit your friends who "continually carp" about your daughter's marital status. Nobody -- certainly not friends -- should offer unsolicited third-party expertise.

Your daughter deserves better -- much, much better -- than to be engaged to someone who doesn't want to get married and settle into family life with her. Don't promote an engagement.

If she asks you point-blank for advice, you should say, "He is being honest with you. You want completely different things in life. You should act according to your own values; life is too short to give up on the things you want."

You should not cast personal aspersions on her guy (not yet, anyway). You should only guide her toward an answer. She needs to do the rest herself.

DEAR AMY: I am a 58-year-old man with two sons in their 30s. The youngest son and I have been estranged for many years. His mother and I were divorced 20 years ago, and although I know I could (and should) have done things better/differently regarding them, I did the best I could at the time. It didn't help that they were "poisoned" by their mother, who hated me.

The youngest son's fiancee contacted me, saying she would try to forge some sort of relationship, which I immediately agreed to. I have emailed (he does not wish to talk to me) many times, with no response at all. I have been making an effort for almost two years now. He ignores me.

Should I just let it/him go? I know if I wait for him, it will continue as it is now.-- Frustrated Dad

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your son does not want to be in contact with you, but I don't think you should necessarily give up on him. It is a very delicate dance, however.

Don't overwhelm him with email messages. Keep your contact simple: "Hi -- I'm reaching out, wondering how you are. I'd really like to connect with you and hope that will be possible. I respect your privacy but want you to know that I have never stopped thinking and caring about you."

Also, you should become active on Facebook. Even if you don't connect with your son through the site, if he is curious about you he can view photos and posts, as a way to get to know you better.

DEAR AMY: The letter from "Sympathetic" really struck a chord with me. This writer extolled the virtues of a male friend who was perfect in every way -- except he could not find a woman to love him because he is unattractive.

I am from India. I think he should look overseas. Most women are not as shallow as American women are.-- Indian Man

DEAR INDIAN: Great suggestion. Thank you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#2 May 29, 2014
1- Me thinks you're just desperate for a grandchild. It's her life, mom

2- Amy, the son won't answer his emails, what makes you think he'll follow him on Facebook?

3- Screw you. Women's shallowness isn't the problem, the man was just likely a bore. And being ugly didn't help

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 May 29, 2014
1 Girl stuff...

2 You did the best you could, well, I guess it was not adaquate. As you Sow, so shall you reap.

3 Its not that most women are not as shallow as American women are, their just more desperate. But their are some smoking hot indian women..

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#5 May 29, 2014
1. You need friends with more class. You also blew your golden opportunity when she asked for your opinion.

2. Ain't it funny that you abandoned your kids by choice and now this one wants nothing to do with you? I have no sympathy for you. You made your bed, now lie in it.

3. India? Sheet man, just head to the wrong side of the tracks in your town and flash the cash!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 May 29, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- Me thinks you're just desperate for a grandchild. It's her life, mom
2- Amy, the son won't answer his emails, what makes you think he'll follow him on Facebook?
3- Screw you. Women's shallowness isn't the problem, the man was just likely a bore. And being ugly didn't help
lw2: Actually, i think its pretty good advice. Son may not friend him, but there is a good chance son may be curious enough to snoop around his page every now and then. You've never been on fb and decided to randomly check out what's going on with people from your past(hs/college) just browsing their pics/ posts but not friending them?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 May 29, 2014
No.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> You've never been on fb and decided to randomly check out what's going on with people from your past(hs/college) just browsing their pics/ posts but not friending them?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#8 May 29, 2014
RACE wrote:
No.
<quoted text>
But you don't do FB, do you?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#9 May 29, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
You've never been on fb and decided to randomly check out what's going on with people from your past(hs/college) just browsing their pics/ posts but not friending them?
No

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 May 29, 2014
L1: Good advice. The daughter is a big girl. Let her manage her own relationships.

L2: It's unpopular, but I agree with Tonka. He might not check his FB, but then again he might. AND the wife of his son might just accept a friending on FB. The LW has to be careful, though, not to be a stalker. As my wise aunt said, you can keep inviting them (estranged relatives) and they may surprise you one day and accept/show up. Keep the door open.

L3: I've seen some women with some really homely guys. I believe there's more to the story.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#11 May 29, 2014
LW1: You seem very conflicted. You say "we like him very much", "I don't really blame him for being on a different timetable", and then you come out with "Get out! Don't waste another second of your precious youth with this guy." I don't know what you told your daughter, but ultimately, she is in charge of her life decisions. She can choose to stay with this likeable guy who is not in a hurry to get married and have children, or she can break up with him and take her chances on finding someone to love who is more definite about wanting a family. There are no guarantees in life either way. I think you'd be wise to stay out of this.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#12 May 29, 2014
LW2: I'm guessing that you didn't spend much time with your kids much after the divorce. It will be hard to establish a relationship with them now, but keep trying. Own up to your mistakes, be humble, and leave off the "I did the best I could" part.

LW3: Team Toj. Just last night, I saw an unattractive man with an attractive woman. I don't think going overseas is necessarily the right answer for original LW. I advised him to get a good dentist because a good smile would be worth the investment.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#13 May 29, 2014
LW1 - I feel for you, but you need to let your daughter make her decision on her own. Say your piece once (without screaming), and then shut up.

LW2 - You left your wife with two teenage boys. You were a crappy father. Now the youngest doesn't want anything to do with you. His fiancée kind of crossed the line when she reached out to you and said that she wanted to patch up your and your son's relationship. IT wasn't her place to do that. Hopefully, she made no promises and backed off as soon as the son said "no." Fine, follow your son on FB - until he blocks you.

LW3 - Let's endorse mail-order brides, y'all! Non-Western women are not exploited enough, apparently. And of course, there are no scammers non-Western women either. They are all without exception deep, spiritual, and domestic goddesses. Oh, wait, and some of them will marry an ugly douche for a chance at a green card.

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