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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Oct 15, 2012
DEAR AMY: My daughter seems upset with me because she perceives that I give my other daughter (her sister) too much help. She does not want to discuss it, so at this point her feelings and concerns are unknown.

The first daughter is married, with a home and a full-time job with health benefits and a retirement plan. She has two children who are also married. They have jobs and are self-supporting.

The second daughter is divorced, rents and is unemployed. She also has two children, but neither is married or employed. Her children use drugs and have leeched every available cent from their mother.

Over the past few years I have helped the second daughter with apartment rental guarantees (she has always paid all the rent). I bought her several cars averaging $3,000 a piece. I helped her children (before drugs) with cars that the first daughter's children have not needed.

I think the first daughter should be thankful she has a strong financial future and does not need help, rather than be enraged with sibling jealousy. When the conversation finally comes up, what could I say to the "prodigal daughter's" sister?-- Upset Mother

DEAR UPSET: Let's imagine that your first daughter doesn't care about the money, but that she does care about her sister. She may see your financial support as "enabling" rather than as an expression of need-based generosity.

The daughter that receives help from you has the less stable life. Your financial support seeps down to her own children, who also have unstable lives. It's hard to know which came first, your support or the instability. But this is a tough question that you should honestly explore.

How many mom-supplied automobiles does this family need? Surely your financially stable daughter wonders about this. She might be quite frustrated that your loving support may actually be holding this family back.

She might share this new perspective with you if you ask her, but, until then, it is your money and your right to make choices about how you want to spend it.

DEAR AMY: I am 12. I broke a large sprinkler in my backyard. It's in a part of the yard that no one really goes to, but it slowly drips. It has been doing this for over a year now, and if my parents find out I'll be in huge trouble. Help!-- Guilty Kid

DEAR GUILTY: I'm talking to you as a mom. Fess up. Your folks will be annoyed, but don't wait another day. Tell them now.

There are some things you can't get around, and so it's better to confess, throw yourself on the mercy of the court and hope that your folks decide to keep the consequence proportional. This was an accident, and they will likely be most upset over the fact that you delayed your disclosure.

Even a small and steady drip can release a lot of water, certainly over a year's time. Your folks may notice that their water bill has increased (if they pay for water) but do not know why. This leak could also damage the yard and affect the rest of the system.

You sound like a good kid. You're going to see that it feels best to tell the truth -- quickly -- because otherwise it eats away at you.

DEAR AMY: Your advice to "Anonymous in New England" was way off. This 16-year-old said she and her boyfriend were having sex. She said they were being "safe." Duh, Amy. "Safe" means they are using birth control. And if they were both virgins when they began having sex with each other, they don't need STD counseling. So why the lecture from you on teen pregnancy? Honestly, you are so judgmental! Leave it alone!-- Disappointed

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: "Safe" doesn't translate to "birth control" for me. "Safe" might mean this couple uses a condom, but it might not. I don't think a 16-year-old necessarily knows what is or isn't "safe," which is why I suggested the couple receive professional advice from Planned Parenthood.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#2 Oct 15, 2012
LW1: If she has not discussed this with you, what makes you think this is an issue for her? Is she complaining to other people and it getsd back to you? Or is this all playing out in your head?

LW2: Are you f'n kidding me? This is the letter you chose to run?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Oct 15, 2012
L1: Sounds like parenting fail and growing up fail all around.

L2: Keep quiet, let someone else take the blame. This is what childhood is all about.

L3: Back pedal some more, Amy. You specifically mentioned STD testing, and it wasn't necessary.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#4 Oct 15, 2012
L1: You're enabling your second daughter. THAT's what everyone should be upset about.

L2: It's been a frigging YEAR and no one has noticed?
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#5 Oct 15, 2012
" she perceives that I give my other daughter (her sister) too much help. She does not want to discuss it, so at this point her feelings and concerns are unknown".

If Daughter #1 isn't talking about it how does LW know or is LW projecting?

LW knows she is an enabler. LW also does a lot of guessing here. If this is LW's guilt, and I think it is, it needs to be owned up to, not put off onto a more successful kid

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#6 Oct 15, 2012
L1: Where does it end? You're allowing your daughter to enable for her kids. Watch some Intervention, willya? Yeah, we all know it's not the other daughter's business how you spend your money, but maybe, just *maybe* she cares about you and her sister and her sister's f'd up kids.

L2: Why fess up? Just say you noticed it was leaking. Don't put yourself in trouble when you don't have to be. Twelve years old and you don't know how to grease the truth a bit? C'mon. I have to write up part of my annual review today and that finely tuned skill will come in very handy.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Oct 15, 2012
LW1: You are part of the problem, not the solution.

LW2: The heads arenít that expensive to replace. Chillax and just tell them.

LW3: Ah, Amy, a condom is a form of birth control.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Bronx, NY

#8 Oct 15, 2012
2- blame it on the dog.

3- there are other ways to get an std besides having intercourse.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#9 Oct 15, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
L1: Where does it end? You're allowing your daughter to enable for her kids. Watch some Intervention, willya? Yeah, we all know it's not the other daughter's business how you spend your money, but maybe, just *maybe* she cares about you and her sister and her sister's f'd up kids.
L2: Why fess up? Just say you noticed it was leaking. Don't put yourself in trouble when you don't have to be. Twelve years old and you don't know how to grease the truth a bit? C'mon. I have to write up part of my annual review today and that finely tuned skill will come in very handy.
Or maybe the older daughter wrote in to Amby and was told to MYOB but is finding it hard to do and mom has caught on
pde

Palatine, IL

#10 Oct 15, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
L2: It's been a frigging YEAR and no one has noticed?
The sprinkler system that our home owners association has on the common area behind our house has had three utterly broken heads that I can see from my yard alone but nobody really seems to care much. Sprinkler systems break often.

If it's just dripping, the kid probably just knocked the head askew or something and it probably can be fixed with a wrench. He should just tell his parents something like: hey, I noticed the sprinkler looks odd and seems to be leaking.

We pay high prices for water, and had a dripping outside spigot for over a year. It didn't have *any* noticeable impact on our water bill.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Oct 15, 2012
L1: Well, quit guessing and ask your first daughter again. Perhaps you both could find a better way to help daughter #2 -- like some counselling, 12-step programs, inventions, etc. If not, perhaps you can find better help yourself for your second daughter. Maybe the first daughter just wants some attention and that's not a bad thing. Bad kids usually get all the attention. I don't think anyone is ever too old to be told how great they are.

L2: I'm with Matilda, although the right thing to do would be to fess up. Still...

L3: Just because someone says they're a virgin doesn't mean they are telling you the truth.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#12 Oct 15, 2012
You can buy a new sprinkler head from anywhere to $4 to $20. This is so not a big deal.
pde

Palatine, IL

#13 Oct 15, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
You can buy a new sprinkler head from anywhere to $4 to $20. This is so not a big deal.
For all we know, the parents have noticed, but haven't gotten around to fixing it/getting it fixed because it's not high on the "needs to be done" list.

Or, we can flip the letter around. Maybe it was written by a peeved off parent who discovered a broken sprinkler head and is convinced that his child did it, and furious that his child refuses to "admit" it.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#14 Oct 15, 2012
L2. Anyone who can afford the expense of a sprinkler system deserves to get hosed.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#15 Oct 15, 2012
pde wrote:
<quoted text>For all we know, the parents have noticed, but haven't gotten around to fixing it/getting it fixed because it's not high on the "needs to be done" list.
It depends how involved they are in their irrigation system. I would always blow mine out myself in the fall even though I paid someone to install it. I had dry spots and had to move heads around. So, I had to learn about mine. They are really very simple once you take the time to get your hands dirty. Iím pretty sure that I could install a system myself, in fact.
pde wrote:
<quoted text>Or, we can flip the letter around. Maybe it was written by a peeved off parent who discovered a broken sprinkler head and is convinced that his child did it, and furious that his child refuses to "admit" it.
I have to think that's not the first thing the kid has broken. My kids have broken quite a few things. It comes with the territory. My kids would get a talking to about playing with the system, but in the scheme of things unscrewing a head and putting a new one on is not that costly and not a big deal. I pity the child if their parent went through the trouble of writing a letter about such a minor event. They can probably change the head out for $7. The kid probably doesn't know this and probably thinks it's a huge deal.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#16 Oct 15, 2012
LW1: Maybe she's just worried about the family dynamic she's seeing, but knows it not really any of her business. It's a tough spot to be in, yanno.

LW2: Since you think your parents are going to totally overreact to this, just say you noticed it leaking.

LW3: There is no such thing as safe rehash.
pde

Palatine, IL

#17 Oct 15, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
It depends how involved they are in their irrigation system. I would always blow mine out myself in the fall even though I paid someone to install it. I had dry spots and had to move heads around. So, I had to learn about mine. They are really very simple once you take the time to get your hands dirty. Iím pretty sure that I could install a system myself, in fact.

I have to think that's not the first thing the kid has broken. My kids have broken quite a few things. It comes with the territory. My kids would get a talking to about playing with the system, but in the scheme of things unscrewing a head and putting a new one on is not that costly and not a big deal. I pity the child if their parent went through the trouble of writing a letter about such a minor event. They can probably change the head out for $7. The kid probably doesn't know this and probably thinks it's a huge deal.
I think that our HOA ignores busted heads during the summer because they're either replaced when the system is blown out in the fall or brought back online during the spring.

If the kid wrote the letter, the big deal must be to him that it hasn't been discovered/fixed yet. Or, as far as he knows, it hasn't been discovered yet. If he lives anywhere that was in drought this summer, that kind of amazes me ... I can tell you which of the busted heads in the HOA system are leaking too. The circle of lush, green grass around the leaking head is kind of obvious.

I know a lot of adults who get really peeved off over stuff like this and even if it's "minor" want to make sure that someone takes the blame. I don't really get it, a lot of times things like this break because whatever happened was the last straw. In that, the item was on the verge of needing replacement anyhow, and it took an injury that wouldn't have necessarily damaged it if it wasn't at that edge.
Sam I Am

Memphis, TN

#18 Oct 15, 2012
1. BAD mother! BAD, BAD mother! Way to ensure your downtrodden daughter stays that way.

2. Stop writing to Amy. See letter 3 as a prime example why.

3. Amy, just stop.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#19 Oct 15, 2012
L1: My parents helped my brother before and after his divorce and like an immature jerk, I resented it. After I spoke with a few people, I appreciated the help my parents gave me to finance college and stand on my own fiancially. LW needs to grow up and get some perspective.

L2: Blame it on those pesky neighbor kids.

L3: Oh right, sure you're having safe sex....sure.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#20 Oct 15, 2012
1 You seem to know an awful lot about how your daughter feels on a subject she refuses to talk about.

2 Your going to hell.

3 How about you tell that 16yr old that her boyfriend can go to prison for doing her, and be labeled a pedo for life?

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