“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Bronx, NY

#21 Sep 13, 2012
cycle003 wrote:
I firmly believe, that as a parent, I have the right to take away ANY property that my child has.
Taking away isn't the issue, DESTROYING something is. I didn't see the video tonks and ange are talking about, but destroying something that belongs to your child out of spite is childish, petty, and uncalled for. I. Could never agree with a parent who does that.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#22 Sep 13, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Taking away isn't the issue, DESTROYING something is. I didn't see the video tonks and ange are talking about, but destroying something that belongs to your child out of spite is childish, petty, and uncalled for. I. Could never agree with a parent who does that.
Oh-oh. I agree with you again.:)

Also, throwing things (such as chairs) at people brings to an inappropriate level as well. Just sayin.:D

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#23 Sep 13, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
So far, I'm on pace to do what those authors suggested who were on Oprah years ago that I mentioned the other day. But not necessarily by choice....
You need my address?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#24 Sep 13, 2012
animaniactoo wrote:
<quoted text>
I thought it was horrifying. He was pissed and resentful that she was ungrateful, so he destroyed something that was at that point *her* property? "You hurt me, so I'm going to REALLY hurt you?"
That doesn't sound like a parent to me, that sounds like an adult having a tantrum.
He could have simply cut off her internet access and refused to pay for or do any more work on her laptop for her. Those would have been effective actions that prevented him from feeling used in the future, while not crossing the boundary of respecting her stuff and doing permanent damage to it. As a parent, it's his job to continue to model the same respect he expects to get, enforcing that poor behavior gets a lack of help or benefits going forward, not the same kind of destruction that he won't stand for from her.
While I do agree that it was ridiculous for him to destroy the laptop, I also think he is well within his rights as a parent to take it away. You only mention cutting of internet access and reference "her stuff". Are you saying you not only think he went to far in destroying it, but that has no right to take it away cause it's "her stuff"?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#25 Sep 13, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm of the mindset that if you didn't pay for it, you have it because *I* provided it for you
What if grandma provided it?

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#26 Sep 13, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>You need my address?
I just meant the dying broke part, not the giving away money part... sorry!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#27 Sep 13, 2012
animaniactoo wrote:
<quoted text>
Does that include things they have paid for themselves?
It does to me. I think you are playing semantics games. You don't take the computer away, but you unplug it cause you pay for the power? Either way, the result is the same. The kid can't play with the computer.

Lets take a different approach. What if that game your kid was playing was on a hand held battery operated device and he bought it with his own money and he bought a maxi pack of batteries with his own money, so he can play for the next month without your electricity. You're telling me that because he's not juicing it up with your electricity, he gets to defy you to your face and continue playing cause he paid for it himself?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#28 Sep 13, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>What if grandma provided it?
Then grandma won't like what I'm about to do, and she probably won't buy you another laptop. This one's going to your cousin.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#29 Sep 13, 2012
You know, the cousin who's not getting anything from grandma's will.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#30 Sep 13, 2012
RACE wrote:
2 Why do you have to question everything? Cant you just do something and not want it dissected?
It depends on what it is. If my wife asks me to stop at the store and pick something up, I don't really need any further reason other than she wants those items.
Can you bring up the laundry basket? Sure. I don't need to ask why. Its pretty evident what a laundry basket is for and why she would need it.

But the LW and her door thing? That does deserve an explanation. Its a puzzling request when not accompanied by the "why". There's a reason she's locking the door. One does not even need to question her on it. It keeps the place more secure. Harder for someone to break in. Adds a level of security to protect them and their stuff.

He wants to leave it open? Why?

So the question is, does she need a dissection of EVERYTHING? Or does she mainly ask when there is good reason?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#31 Sep 13, 2012
What Tonka said.

NIck's oldest asks "why" to STUPID stuff. We either ignore him, or say to him, "Why do you THINK?" he knows the answer, he's just saying why all the damn time.
animaniactoo

New York, NY

#32 Sep 13, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>It does to me. I think you are playing semantics games. You don't take the computer away, but you unplug it cause you pay for the power? Either way, the result is the same. The kid can't play with the computer.
Lets take a different approach. What if that game your kid was playing was on a hand held battery operated device and he bought it with his own money and he bought a maxi pack of batteries with his own money, so he can play for the next month without your electricity. You're telling me that because he's not juicing it up with your electricity, he gets to defy you to your face and continue playing cause he paid for it himself?
Interesting question - we have taken away handheld games when they were younger. In the later teenage years, no. Then we threatened removal of other devices that have been provided by us or their grandparents (with grandparental support on that). So we have taken away things like cell phones and told them to suffer if they had a problem being out and couldn't reach us, and they were going to have to deal with it. Us reaching them wasn't a problem - they also lost whatever ease they had of being places where we couldn't reach them outside of specific time frames. One kid almost lost his cell phone permanently. When they tried to hide cell phones from us or refuse to give them up, that was quickly solved with a call to the grandmother paying the bill "Hi, can you turn off the service on his cell pho... oh never mind, he just handed it to me."

Staying smarter than them has been a challenge at points, but so far we've (mostly) managed it.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#33 Sep 13, 2012
Oh, I agree completely. I just typed it to stir the pot.

I think he wants it unlocked just because he thinks he can dictate that kind of stuff. Just gets off on being controlling.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>It depends on what it is. If my wife asks me to stop at the store and pick something up, I don't really need any further reason other than she wants those items.
Can you bring up the laundry basket? Sure. I don't need to ask why. Its pretty evident what a laundry basket is for and why she would need it.
But the LW and her door thing? That does deserve an explanation. Its a puzzling request when not accompanied by the "why". There's a reason she's locking the door. One does not even need to question her on it. It keeps the place more secure. Harder for someone to break in. Adds a level of security to protect them and their stuff.
He wants to leave it open? Why?
So the question is, does she need a dissection of EVERYTHING? Or does she mainly ask when there is good reason?

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#34 Sep 13, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
What Tonka said.
NIck's oldest asks "why" to STUPID stuff. We either ignore him, or say to him, "Why do you THINK?" he knows the answer, he's just saying why all the damn time.
But he's, what, ten?:)

Not saying the LW isn't justified in asking when it's puzzling, like the example she gave with locking the door. But if she does it about everything, that would definitely be annoying.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#35 Sep 13, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
But he's, what, ten?:)
Not saying the LW isn't justified in asking when it's puzzling, like the example she gave with locking the door. But if she does it about everything, that would definitely be annoying.
Yeah, he's 10!:)

But he is ridiculous with it. He knows the answer 75%(or more) of the time, he's just running his mouth. This isn't just me, this is his dad and relatives dealing with it as well. It's beyond the norm for his age and intellect.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#36 Sep 13, 2012
animaniactoo wrote:
<quoted text>
Interesting question - we have taken away handheld games when they were younger. In the later teenage years, no. Then we threatened removal of other devices that have been provided by us or their grandparents (with grandparental support on that). So we have taken away things like cell phones and told them to suffer if they had a problem being out and couldn't reach us, and they were going to have to deal with it. Us reaching them wasn't a problem - they also lost whatever ease they had of being places where we couldn't reach them outside of specific time frames. One kid almost lost his cell phone permanently. When they tried to hide cell phones from us or refuse to give them up, that was quickly solved with a call to the grandmother paying the bill "Hi, can you turn off the service on his cell pho... oh never mind, he just handed it to me."
Staying smarter than them has been a challenge at points, but so far we've (mostly) managed it.
Eh. Either way gets the job done, I suppose, but I have zero problem being the tyrant when need be. I'm not going to bargain with them and find differnt angles to hit them from because they "own" some item. If item X is causing a problem, they will lose the privilege to use item X. Don't care who bought it. At the end of the day, my wife and I have the authority to give and take anything away in our house regardless of who paid for it.

Since: Jun 09

Verona, WI

#37 Sep 13, 2012
animaniactoo wrote:
fwiw, a large part of my thinking is that my house is training in how to deal with and react to authority figures and other people in general. Therefore, the consequences I enforce have to be the most reasonable kinds of things that they will have to deal with in the rest of the world. To give them experience in that, not to treat my house as a special unique place with different rules than the rest of the world they will be dealing with.
In my opinion, destroying something they have cause to think of as theirs is not a reasonable consequence they could expect outside of our house, for the level of offense that occurred.
The thing is, in the real world, your possessions can be taken from you by authority figures. If you deal drugs, all your possessions can be taken from you even if you didn't actually buy the things with the drug money. Maybe it's not the actual law, but it's the de facto policy. In fact, sometimes property is confiscated prior to a conviction.

I believe in being fair and reasonable, but sometimes severe consequences are necessary to get the point across. Being unreasonable and using "because I say so" is a sure way to create resentment. But if I say, "If you don't pick up these toys by tomorrow morning, I'm going to give them to a kid who appreciates them enough to put them away", then I feel it's reasonable to follow through.

Yes, even things that my kid pays for with her own money are fair game, imo. That will likely change as she gets older. For instance, I wouldn't sell or give away a car that a 17 yo worked to purchase. Of course, I would feel free to deny her the right to use it until she was 18.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#38 Sep 13, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Eh. Either way gets the job done, I suppose, but I have zero problem being the tyrant when need be. I'm not going to bargain with them and find differnt angles to hit them from because they "own" some item. If item X is causing a problem, they will lose the privilege to use item X. Don't care who bought it. At the end of the day, my wife and I have the authority to give and take anything away in our house regardless of who paid for it.
Nick's 10yo used his own money to buy his Xbox. He was SHOCKED (!) when his parents TOGETHER sat him down and informed him that it can and will be taken away if he doesn't do his homework or chores, or if he misbehaves in a way that they deem it appropriate to take away his gaming privileges. He truly thought that since he paid for it, it was his to use as he chose.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#39 Sep 13, 2012
My college boyfriend returned home during christmas or at first summer break to find that his parents had sold the car he bought and paid for. He was beyond pissed. But that's different -- that's a major purchase made by an adult!

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Itasca, IL

#40 Sep 13, 2012
LW2 - i can see asking why, but its' all in the presentation. if LW is startign to sound like a 3 YO,, all repetetive & whiny, that's one thing. if that's teh case, she should try someting along the lines of "oh? Who's coming over?" or sosemthing like that.

as for Tonka's examples, sometimes when hubby & i ask each other to do sometihgn, we'll ask why as a wya of figuring how how urgently or specificly we need to do it. My request for him to stop at target could me i'm booked but we could use somethihng sooner rather than later - tommorrows' just as good as today. or his asking why to my request for getting milk could be to find out what it will be used for which could make a difference. i drink the non-fat, but the nephews drink 2% or i could be working on a cooking/baking project taht really needs a different type... so hubby's asking me why is so he can find out how interchangable someihtgn is. but then, i usually ask can you get 2% for the boys or superbuttermilk for my baking.

but then, that's how we roll, ask to keep the door unlocked b/c the neigbor's coming over or asking fo rhte specific type of food for the specific purpose.

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