Amy 3-27

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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Mar 27, 2014
 
DEAR AMY: I have a 6-year-old granddaughter whose parents are not together.

In a couple of months, when she goes to visit her dad (my son), she may be in proximity to a man who was incarcerated for molestation. This man is the brother of my son's girlfriend, and the two siblings live together in their parents' home. I am very anxious about this.

I plan to tell my son that it would be best for his daughter's safety and security if he would change the visitation location.

I have spoken to my granddaughter (when she visits me) about speaking up strongly and loudly if anyone makes physical overtures toward her. However, I am concerned about whether I spoke appropriately and specifically enough.

I usually spoke to her when giving her a bath and used the correct terminology for the body parts.

Where can I get some information and training on how to raise awareness and educate my granddaughter on protecting herself?-- Anxious Grandma

DEAR GRANDMA: I appreciate your desire to teach your granddaughter to "protect herself," but a 6-year-old cannot protect herself from a pedophile, and your training puts the burden on her to somehow fend off molestation. Body awareness, age-appropriate information and confidence-boosting encouragement is all good; this might help the girl in all sorts of ways. But a 6-year-old cannot realistically protect herself from an adult predator.

The person you need to "train" is your son. His daughter is not safe in any proximity to a sex offender. You don't say where the child's mother is, but she should be informed.

If you believe your son will take his daughter anywhere near the household where the sex offender lives, or if he allows the offender any contact at all with the child in another environment, you should call the police or child protective services, and (in my opinion) the whole crew should be charged with child endangerment. And if you know this contact might happen and don't do everything in your power to prevent it, then you are culpable too.

In addition to the child's safety, the terms of the offender's legal status might mean that if he comes in any contact with a child (even unintended), he could be rearrested.

Your son's visitation with his daughter should take place at your home, which sounds like a safe environment for everyone.

DEAR AMY: When dining out recently with my wife, her phone rang. She abruptly got up from the table and left the food and went to another part of the restaurant and talked and talked and talked. I eventually finished my meal, paid the bill and left the restaurant and waited in the car while she was still talking somewhere else in the restaurant.

Do you have any suggestions for this husband, who is feeling very neglected?-- The Engineer

DEAR ENGINEER: If your wife explained her phone call, saying, "Honey, I am so sorry, we had a flood at the hospital where I work, and I was directing the evacuation of the pediatrics wing," then I would give her a pass this time.

Otherwise, what she did was incredibly rude and hurtful, and you should tell her so.

When you talk to her about this, it might help to abandon what I imagine to be your analytical engineer's reserve and speak from the heart, using "I" statements: "I felt embarrassed, neglected and alone when you did that. Honestly, it really hurt my feelings."

You might not be the kind of person who discusses feelings often, but you should try because you have them, and your wife doesn't seem to realize it.

DEAR AMY: What's the difference between a reason and an excuse?-- Wendy

DEAR WENDY: A reason is a plausible explanation for someone's behavior.

An excuse is offered when a person doesn't have an actual reason to justify behavior and its consequences. An excuse is usually given as a substitute for personal responsibility.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

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#2
Mar 27, 2014
 
1: Have you contacted your granddaughter's mom with this information? I bet she could have a judge order that either the visitations be in your home or stop altogether if it's apparent that your son is allowing his daughter to be near a pedophile. Seems to me that if you aren't certain that your granddaughter is being kept safe from this guy, you should report the situation to both her mother and the police. Doing so would possibly show the mom and authorities that you have your granddaughter's best interests at heart and would likely provide a safe place for her dad to visit her. If that happens, make sure to keep your granddaughter under your watchful eyes at all times. Do not let your son take her out of your home unless you are with them. I don't trust that he wouldn't leave her alone with his girlfriend and she might feel it's ok for her to be around her brother. Relatives of a sex offender sometimes believe their relative was "set up" by someone and is innocent of charges even if he was convicted.

2: What Amy said. Seems to me your wife owes you an explanation along with an apology, not just an "excuse." I read the letter to husband. He says she may be having an affair.

3: All those years in public school and we were told to bring in an "excuse" when we returned from school after being absent. You mean I could have told a plausible lie rather than the real reason I was absent? You would think a school system would use the correct term. No, I understand and agree with Amy's explanation here; it just seems weird.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

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#3
Mar 27, 2014
 

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LW1- the letter doesn't say that the LW's son lives with his girlfriend, it says that the girlfriend and her brother live with their parents. Does the father live with the LW? If so, where else would the child stay? While I understand wanting to protect her grandchild, I think the LW is overstepping her boundaries.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#4
Mar 27, 2014
 
1- tough situation but Scarlet is right, it's not up to the LW to dictate the custody arrangement. Tell the son to talk to the lawyer to talk to the judge

2- here's a suggestion: ASK YOUR WIFE

3- Pippa's right, an "excuse" is a completely valid explanation. Amy's an idiot, leave grammar lessons to the professionals

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#5
Mar 27, 2014
 
1 How old are these people, they all sound like teenagers? If the dad is living with the GF, then no, she should not be there. What if the dad and GF decide to go out for dinner alone? Too much potential for abuse.

2 Welcome to doormat city: Population You!

3 A plausable explanation can still be a lie, so I dont get what lamy is trying to say.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#6
Mar 27, 2014
 
ScarletandOlive wrote:
LW1- the letter doesn't say that the LW's son lives with his girlfriend, it says that the girlfriend and her brother live with their parents. Does the father live with the LW? If so, where else would the child stay? While I understand wanting to protect her grandchild, I think the LW is overstepping her boundaries.
I don't think she's overstepping anything, though I have the same questions as you. Letter does not say son lives with girlfriend along with molester, which I doubt. Therefore, I don't see why she feels its inevitable that the child and molester will cross paths.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#7
Mar 27, 2014
 

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Lw2: It would help to know who she was talking to and why. You probably know. You probably left that part out on purpose. It was probably a work emergency. But you don't want us to consider that cause you're butthurt that she didn't put dinner eith you as a higher priority

Lw3: Amy's a moron. A reason is an explanation.
An excuse is an explanation that legitimately removes your culpability.

Why are you late?

I overslept is an explanation. Does not excuse you from beinv late.

There was an accident and the bridge was shut fown for an hour is an excuse that legitimately relieves you of any responsibility for your beong late. Your lateness was beyond your control.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#8
Mar 27, 2014
 
Both of my examples are reasonsbut only the second one is an excuse.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#9
Mar 27, 2014
 
It appears that its all whether its used as a noun or a verb.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/excuse
Mister Tonka wrote:
Both of my examples are reasonsbut only the second one is an excuse.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#10
Mar 27, 2014
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I don't think she's overstepping anything, though I have the same questions as you. Letter does not say son lives with girlfriend along with molester, which I doubt. Therefore, I don't see why she feels its inevitable that the child and molester will cross paths.
It's entirely possible if the dad wants to chill at his girlfriend's house for an afternoon, or maybe a barbeque, or maybe they have a swimming pool....

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#11
Mar 27, 2014
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
It's entirely possible if the dad wants to chill at his girlfriend's house for an afternoon, or maybe a barbeque, or maybe they have a swimming pool....
Sure its possible. But grandma is acting like its almost a foregone conclusion. How long is she visiting for? Maybe he's got fun stuff planned like the park or bowling or whatever and his girlfriend is coming to see them at his place. I have no idea, and grandma has not convinces me that she has a reason to think he's gonna take the daughter over there.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

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#12
Mar 27, 2014
 
L2: Open your mouth and let words come out!

L3: You're not really asking for dictionary definitions, so what's your REAL question?

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

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#13
Mar 27, 2014
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I don't think she's overstepping anything, though I have the same questions as you. Letter does not say son lives with girlfriend along with molester, which I doubt. Therefore, I don't see why she feels its inevitable that the child and molester will cross paths.
I feel very strongly that grandparents should not interfere with how a parent is raising their child (which includes custody arrangements), unless the parent has proven to be legally unfit (abuse, neglect, etc). The grandparent might not like the decisions their child has made and ideally their child would provide ample access to the grandchild, but they already had their chance to raise children and need to learn to respect boundaries.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#14
Mar 27, 2014
 
ScarletandOlive wrote:
<quoted text>
I feel very strongly that grandparents should not interfere with how a parent is raising their child (which includes custody arrangements), unless the parent has proven to be legally unfit (abuse, neglect, etc). The grandparent might not like the decisions their child has made and ideally their child would provide ample access to the grandchild, but they already had their chance to raise children and need to learn to respect boundaries.
I agree with all that. And grandma has not shown me in her letter any reason to assume the chils will be put in harm's way. She seems paranois to me. HOWEVER, if there are details she failed to mention that legitimately give her reason to be concerned, then I don't think its overstepping boundaries.

If your next door neighbor started dating an ex con who served time for molestation and you saw her leave her young daughter with him and go out for a few hours, would you not be concerned? Maybe even call CPS to report it?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#15
Mar 27, 2014
 
LW1: A tricky situation and not enough information in the letter to give good advice, imo. Keep talking to your granddaughter about appropriate touch and remind her that she can come talk to you about anything, especially if someone tells her she shouldn't tell anybody.

One would think that your son would not put his daughter in harms way, so why aren't you trusting him?

LW2: What Tonka said.

LW3: And to make it easy for myself, what Tonka said.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

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#16
Mar 27, 2014
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I agree with all that. And grandma has not shown me in her letter any reason to assume the chils will be put in harm's way. She seems paranois to me. HOWEVER, if there are details she failed to mention that legitimately give her reason to be concerned, then I don't think its overstepping boundaries.

If your next door neighbor started dating an ex con who served time for molestation and you saw her leave her young daughter with him and go out for a few hours, would you not be concerned? Maybe even call CPS to report it?
I would absolutely report that.

My reason for saying that this LW is overstepping is because she wants to specify in the custody arrangement that visits be only at her house. That is not her call, unless her son shows that he is bringing his daughter around the convicted child molester.

The more I think about it, I have more questions. When has she been giving her granddaughter baths to talk about personal space? If the girl is already at her house, why does she think that her son would start bringing her to his girlfriend's parents' house? If these conversations were held in the past, then is she overly paranoid about her granddaughter's safety?

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

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#17
Mar 27, 2014
 

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1. Why is your son with a girlfriend who has a pedophile brother. And why are you still bathing a six year old. What a creepy family.

2. Your wife no longer likes you. She was talking to her new boyfriend. Get over it.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#18
Mar 27, 2014
 
ScarletandOlive wrote:
My reason for saying that this LW is overstepping is because she wants to specify in the custody arrangement that visits be only at her house.
lw just suggested changing the location(which i agree i stupid unless he also lives w gf), but she did not specify her house. ABBY did.
ScarletandOlive wrote:
The more I think about it, I have more questions. When has she been giving her granddaughter baths to talk about personal space? If the girl is already at her house, why does she think that her son would start bringing her to his girlfriend's parents' house? If these conversations were held in the past, then is she overly paranoid about her granddaughter's safety?
And this is why I think she's probably paranoid.

I think we're largely in agreement.

Since: Oct 09

York, NE

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#19
Mar 27, 2014
 

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ScarletandOlive wrote:
LW1- the letter doesn't say that the LW's son lives with his girlfriend, it says that the girlfriend and her brother live with their parents. Does the father live with the LW? If so, where else would the child stay? While I understand wanting to protect her grandchild, I think the LW is overstepping her boundaries.
How is it "overstepping her boundaries" to want to protect her granddaughter from a convicted predator, especially when it appears that no one else in the child's life seems interested in doing so? That's how a lot of these things happen-everyone looks the other way and gets mad at or ignores someone who tries to do something, or they claim they're being "nosy" or "overbearing". The welfare of her granddaughter very much IS within her boundaries. And I wish someone had been "overstepping" in my own case when I was a child, maybe my abuse at the hands of a babysitter's son wouldn't have happened.

Since: Oct 09

York, NE

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#20
Mar 27, 2014
 
LW2, your wife was incredibly rude, obnoxious and thoughtless and you need to clearly discuss it with her and deal with that. As someone else here suggested, she may, even, indeed be messing around, although it'd be pretty bold of her to do so right in front of you. Nevertheless, that does happen and women are as capable of "stepping out" as men are, frankly. And I've never understood why people think that they always have to answer the dam phone whenever and wherever it rings, no matter what they're doing or who they're with. It was bad enough before cell phones, it's twenty times worse now.

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