Amy 11-28, maybe **

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Nov 29, 2013
(** I don't recall seeing this one, and there is not a new one posted for the 28th yet, so WTH)

DEAR AMY: For close to 20 years, my family and I have lived across the street from "Frank," his wife and two kids. We have had a cordial relationship but not a friendship.

Two years ago, just as Frank's youngest was heading to college, we started noticing him leaving the house wearing women's clothing. He told me he has always felt like a woman, and would now like to be referred to as "Frances."

His wife moved out, and Frances moved in full time. We don't have a problem with the fact that Frank, now Frances, is transgender. We truly believe he is finally becoming who he was meant to be, although this continues to make us and our teenage children a little uncomfortable.

Now Frances is very lonely, and constantly wants to come across the street to talk about her transgender issues. If we had been good friends before the change, I could understand her desire to share everything with us and to hang out on our front porch talking things over. We were never friends before, though, and we are not comfortable having to entertain her on our porch every time we sit outside.

She has boundary issues, possibly because she is very lonely. This makes me sad for her, and my desire not to be her new best girlfriend makes me feel guilty. Should I feel guilty?

If not, how can I let Frances know that, while we support her, we just want to continue having a neighborly relationship, nothing deeper?-- Ill-At-Ease Neighbor

DEAR ILL-AT-EASE: Before figuratively slamming the porch door on "Frances," it might be helpful (certainly to her) if you asked, "How are you doing -- you seem pretty lonely sometimes. Do you have close friends to talk to?"

After you initiate some communication -- and listen to her response -- you will then have to be brave enough to add, "I feel guilty sometimes that we're not better friends, but I just don't feel able to give you what you seem to need. We love being your neighbors. We're all very much on your side. But I need to keep a boundary. Can you understand that?"

DEAR AMY: My neighbor has lovely parties throughout the year. She always places scented candles on the tables and scattered around her home. I am very allergic to any scented candle (as well as to perfumes). When the party is held indoors the candle aroma is debilitating!

I just received an invitation to this neighbor's holiday party. Last year I attended for a short time but needed to leave early due to my reaction.

I would like to RSVP that I will not be attending this year. All my neighbors attend the party and I do not want to appear snobbish. I also do not want to let the hostess know of my allergy because the candles are so important in her decorations.

Is there a tactful way to let her know that I appreciate being invited and yet cannot attend?-- A Sensitive Person

DEAR SENSITIVE: Politely responding that you will not be able to attend this party is not snobbish -- it is polite to let the hostess know. Sometimes people make the mistake of providing explanations when a simple, "I'm so sorry but I won't be able to attend your lovely party this year," would suffice.

If this hostess asks you why you won't be able to make it (she won't), you can tell her, "I have an extreme sensitivity to perfumes and scents; the holidays are a tough season for me because of the fragrances of the season. I have to do what I can to avoid exposure this year because I can get very sick."

DEAR AMY: I was bemused by the letter from "Tight Tenant," who couldn't seem to handle the fact that her landlord didn't cash her rent checks promptly. First of all, she should keep a check register and a running balance on her account. Also, if she has an interest-bearing account, she will potentially make a few pennies on the "float." -- Fiscally Responsible

DEAR RESPONSIBLE: I agree that "Tight Tenant" was placing the responsibility for her money in the wrong hands.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#2 Nov 29, 2013
LW1 - Ok. I think the advice is reasonable. Surely, there are support groups for transgender folks both pre- and post-op.

LW2 - "I would like to RSVP that I will not be attending this year. " Then please do so. Politely.

LW3 - Please stop. I don't remember exactly how long the landlord didn't cash the checks, but there may be legitimate reasons to worry about a check not reaching the recipient on time or at all. It's not necessarily the budgeting issue.

Case in point: I had to quit my previous dr. because - although he was quite competent medically - his office was run in a very slipshod (or maybe even fraudulent) manner. There were multiple problems with paperwork, but one thing that made me move was that I'd pay everything the insurance did not cover promptly. They wouldn't cash the check for 4-6 weeks, and then tack on the fees for a late payment. Ummmm. No.*I* paid on time.*You* didn't cash the check. It's your problem, not mine. A couple of those uncashed checks, and I switched doctors.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#3 Nov 29, 2013
1- First of all, stop calling him she! That's creepy and awkward. He's still a he. But otherwise, I guess what Amy said

2- Yeah, she isn't gonna care WHY, people send out RSVPs to get an idea of how many will attend. Get over yourself. And your dam "scented candle" allergy. Gee, some people will find ANY excuse not to socialize with neighbors.

3- "she should keep a check register and a running balance on her account."

No sht, Sherlock, but that doesn't always help when people are sitting on a check for three or four weeks. Remember, the statement doesn't come until the next MONTH. And should people really have to chase a check like a dog chasing his tail? The onus should be on the landlord to cash those checks promptly.

"if she has an interest-bearing account, she will potentially make a few pennies on the "float."

Can you get interest on a checking account??
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 Nov 29, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
3- "she should keep a check register and a running balance on her account."
No sht, Sherlock, but that doesn't always help when people are sitting on a check for three or four weeks. Remember, the statement doesn't come until the next MONTH. And should people really have to chase a check like a dog chasing his tail? The onus should be on the landlord to cash those checks promptly.
"if she has an interest-bearing account, she will potentially make a few pennies on the "float."
Can you get interest on a checking account??
Yes, there are interest-bearing checking accounts, but the interest is so abysmally low that it's not really worth it unless one keeps very significant amounts of money in them. With regard to statements, though, if you do online banking, you don't need to wait for one, or even receive one at all.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#5 Nov 29, 2013
Cass wrote:
if you do online banking, you don't need to wait for one, or even receive one at all.
I understand that, but the point is, I gotta go online, or call the bank, just to track down this check for the next three/four weeks before I can get on with my financial life. That's bullsht, I shouldn't have to do that. I've got other things to do, I've got other bills to pay, than to be chasing down this one check.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#6 Nov 29, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- First of all, stop calling him she! That's creepy and awkward. He's still a he. But otherwise, I guess what Amy said
2- Yeah, she isn't gonna care WHY, people send out RSVPs to get an idea of how many will attend. Get over yourself. And your dam "scented candle" allergy. Gee, some people will find ANY excuse not to socialize with neighbors.
3- "she should keep a check register and a running balance on her account."
No sht, Sherlock, but that doesn't always help when people are sitting on a check for three or four weeks. Remember, the statement doesn't come until the next MONTH. And should people really have to chase a check like a dog chasing his tail? The onus should be on the landlord to cash those checks promptly.
"if she has an interest-bearing account, she will potentially make a few pennies on the "float."
Can you get interest on a checking account??
1: I'm not sure what the "politically correct" thing is in this situation but I assume it's to do as the transgender person prefers. They're neighbors and this person visits often and thinks of the lw as a friend. I assume this issue was discussed and the lw is following through on her neighbor's preference. Personally, it would not bother me either way and would try to follow the transgender's person's preference.

Also, it would be a kindness if the lw could do an online search for local organizations for gays/lesbians/transgender folks if questioning reveals the neighbor has not yet found such a group.

2: I know one lady who is a neighbor and also works in my physician's office. She is very allergic to various scents and gets very sick when around people wearing them. It's no joke. She's passed out at work several times from this and once ended up being taken by ambulance to the hospital. There's a prominent sign on the outside door informing people that they should not wear cologne's, perfumes, and such not only because a member of the staff has this allergy but because a number of patients are also afflicted in this way. My son-in-law has a similar sign on the door of his store for this very reason as well. He sells organic foods and specialty foods needed by allergic people and diabetics and so forth.

So yes, you should "get over" yourself and realize that most people are not "making up" some sham illness/condition.

3: Yes, keeping a running balance on a checkbook is the thing to do. I don't recall the original letter so I don't know what that lw was worried about. Perhaps it was concern that the landlord hadn't received the check. In that case, I'd call him to make sure. I had a b-i-l who was a very intelligent physician but totally stupid when it came to everyday stuff like checkbooks. If he saw something pricey he wanted to buy, he'd call the bank for his balance and then buy the item even though his wife (my sister) had sent out payments for bills the previous day and wrote them in the checkbook along with what she thought was the balance.(HE didn't always record the checks he wrote.) For some reason, this so-called intelligent man could not understand the concept of outstanding checks.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Nov 29, 2013
1 Go Home you Freak!

2 Stay Home you Freak!

3 Shup Up you Freak!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#8 Nov 29, 2013
Pippa wrote:
1: I'm not sure what the "politically correct" thing is in this situation but I assume it's to do as the transgender person prefers.
Don't care. If I've known him as a dude for several years, I'm not gonna start calling him she because he decided to start wearing a dress.
Pippa wrote:
2: I know one lady who is a neighbor and also works in my physician's office. She is very allergic to various scents and gets very sick when around people wearing them.
No one is physically allergic to a scent. Those people are just overly sensitive and need to deal.
Pippa wrote:
the concept of outstanding checks.
There it is. Call the bank, get the balance, then check to see which checks have cleared. Well, I, and maybe most people, are only gonna check the ones from two, maybe three weeks ago. It's a reasonable assumption that checks written a month ago likely cleared by now. I shouldn't have to factor in some bloke who might sit on my check for a month and check everything from over a month ago. No. Cash the dam thing in a reasonable time, or it's not my friggen fault if the dam thing bounces on you.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#9 Nov 29, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Don't care. If I've known him as a dude for several years, I'm not gonna start calling him she because he decided to start wearing a dress.
<quoted text>
No one is physically allergic to a scent. Those people are just overly sensitive and need to deal.
<quoted text>
There it is. Call the bank, get the balance, then check to see which checks have cleared. Well, I, and maybe most people, are only gonna check the ones from two, maybe three weeks ago. It's a reasonable assumption that checks written a month ago likely cleared by now. I shouldn't have to factor in some bloke who might sit on my check for a month and check everything from over a month ago. No. Cash the dam thing in a reasonable time, or it's not my friggen fault if the dam thing bounces on you.
1: As I said, I don't know the politically correct thing is in this situation. You can do what you like I guess but I'd prefer to go with what the person asks. Since people/animals are born with all kinds of other birth defects/errors of nature, I have to believe that gender can also be an error. There are people who are born with both sets of sexual organs so it isn't that much of a surprise that nature can give a person the wrong set of sexual organs to fit that person's mental gender association. It isn't that person's fault any more than it's the fault of the person born with no arms - just hands extending from their shoulders.

2: I'm not a medical or science person. All I know is that there are people who have severe reactions to some scents. Passing out in a dead faint and having severe difficulty in breathing are not things that happen to people who are faking.

3: You are right that people should keep track of their bank accounts and whether checks clear. I used the example of my late b-i-l to show that some otherwise very intelligent people are absolutely stupid about what I'd call very basic financial things like how to deal with a checking account. But I THINK that a check is valid for 6 months after the date written on it. So people should take this into account when figuring their balance and outstanding checks. Personally, I usually don't add that outstanding check back into my balance for at least a year. I'd rather have my checkbook look like it has a lower balance than it does than risk that check be cashed and then end up with an overdrawn account. But of course, if it's an important payment for something, I call the person/company to find out why it hasn't been cashed.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#10 Nov 29, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I understand that, but the point is, I gotta go online, or call the bank, just to track down this check for the next three/four weeks before I can get on with my financial life. That's bullsht, I shouldn't have to do that. I've got other things to do, I've got other bills to pay, than to be chasing down this one check.
Oh, I agree completely. It is a PITA to have the recipient of the check not cash it promptly.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#11 Dec 3, 2013
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>

2: I know one lady who is a neighbor and also works in my physician's office. She is very allergic to various scents and gets very sick when around people wearing them. It's no joke. She's passed out at work several times from this and once ended up being taken by ambulance to the hospital. There's a prominent sign on the outside door informing people that they should not wear cologne's, perfumes, and such not only because a member of the staff has this allergy but because a number of patients are also afflicted in this way. My son-in-law has a similar sign on the door of his store for this very reason as well. He sells organic foods and specialty foods needed by allergic people and diabetics and so forth.
So yes, you should "get over" yourself and realize that most people are not "making up" some sham illness/condition.
I don't think people are making up the allergy, but I am just curious... so if I wear perfume (which I do lightly; I don't swim in it at all) and I show up as a new patient to a doctor's office, I have to miss my appointment becuase I put perfume on that day? Or if I want to stop in a store I can't go in and purchase something because I inadvertently put a scent on that day? I just wonder what happens in those situations. If I was driving by a store and decided to stop and then saw a sign basically telling me to go away because I like to smell nice, then they've lost my business. And again, I wear very light scents and don't wear much at all.

I think I'd especially be put out at a doctor's office where often you make an appointment months in advance.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#12 Dec 3, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't think people are making up the allergy, but I am just curious... so if I wear perfume (which I do lightly; I don't swim in it at all) and I show up as a new patient to a doctor's office, I have to miss my appointment becuase I put perfume on that day? Or if I want to stop in a store I can't go in and purchase something because I inadvertently put a scent on that day? I just wonder what happens in those situations. If I was driving by a store and decided to stop and then saw a sign basically telling me to go away because I like to smell nice, then they've lost my business. And again, I wear very light scents and don't wear much at all.
I think I'd especially be put out at a doctor's office where often you make an appointment months in advance.
I like to wear a reasonable amount of light fragrance myself, and I question if anyone is truly "allergic" to fragrance. I thought allergies were tied to pollen, animal dander, and dust mites. I'm going to google now...

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#13 Dec 3, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
I like to wear a reasonable amount of light fragrance myself, and I question if anyone is truly "allergic" to fragrance. I thought allergies were tied to pollen, animal dander, and dust mites. I'm going to google now...
Keep me posted!:D
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#14 Dec 3, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
Keep me posted!:D
I just read a long article on WebMD. There are definitely people who are sensitive to fragrance, but the article states, "doctors can't quite agree on what's behind any fragrance reaction, and whether it's even a true allergy or simply a response to an irritant."

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#15 Dec 3, 2013
Like wanting to throttle edogg?
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
"doctors can't quite agree on what's behind any fragrance reaction, and whether it's even a true allergy or simply a response to an irritant."

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#16 Dec 3, 2013
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
I just read a long article on WebMD. There are definitely people who are sensitive to fragrance, but the article states, "doctors can't quite agree on what's behind any fragrance reaction, and whether it's even a true allergy or simply a response to an irritant."
In the early 80's there was an ailment called Multiple Chemical Sensitivity Disorder. People claimed exposure to some chemical and then became highly sensitive to lots of things.

There were challenge diets where you were started on white rice and foods added in until you reacted.

There were "clean environments" where all material were natural so as to avoid triggering a response.

Eventually the docs did enough "credible research" to conclude that much of it was psychosomatic even psychiatric.

And the the county just west of Chicago built a beautiful new courthouse in a complex and eh people who worked in the new building were getting sick. It was labeled Sick Building Syndrome and "credible evidence" showed that volatile organic compounds (VOCs) in tech carpets and building materialism were indeed making people sick.

Millions of dollars later the place was retrofitted with materialism without VOCs. It is a lovely place now, right on a pond.

Takeaway point: you can get sick from VOCs including the aromas in perfumes.

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