Abby 5-16

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“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
May 16, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: I am a divorcee with college-aged children. I love my children, and I thought I loved my ex. However, after my divorce I wonder if I'm capable of loving anyone other than my children again.

Two years after the divorce I started a relationship with a man who is 10 years older. He had recently ended a long-term dating/living together relationship. I wasn't particularly drawn to him, but he was very persistent. We finally, jokingly, agreed to be "exclusively casual" and began dating. My children don't dislike him; they are indifferent to him.

We have been dating for six years. I do not love him. He, however, professes to adore me and wants us to spend our lives together. I do not want this to go on any longer. I have some serious health issues and I'm not interested in having him as my caretaker. He has already made plans for us to be together for this. I don't want him doing this for me.

He's a good man. He deserves someone who wants the devotion he is so willing to give. How do I tell him to move on? I'm financially stable. He's not after my money; he's very comfortable on his own. I need to force him to go find a woman who needs or wants him. Many of his friends think I take advantage of his feelings. I don't want to be in this position any longer. Any advice you could offer would be a gift.-- DRAGGING MY FEET IN TEXAS

DEAR DRAGGING YOUR FEET: The longer you put this off, the harder it will be, and if you don't open your mouth you are going to find yourself in exactly the position you say you don't want to be. The magic words are:

"'John,' I have enjoyed your friendship, but I'm not in love with you. I had hoped that as time passed I would fall in love with you, but it hasn't happened and now I realize it isn't going to. I want to deal with my health issues on my own. I don't want you to be my caretaker. What I do want is to end our relationship so you can find a woman who will love you the way you deserve to be loved. Sadly, that's not me -- but I wish you well and ... goodbye."

Do not expect him to welcome this dose of reality, but those are the words that will set you -- and him -- free.

DEAR ABBY: I am a veteran and while I have spent this past year in school, I can't seem to connect with any of the younger students there. It's disheartening, to be honest, and I feel it's part of the reason I can't enjoy school at my age (23) after all my experiences in combat.

I can't decide whether to drop out and join a private security company, or tough it out and deal with these kids who don't take education seriously. I miss work at the same time. Any thoughts?-- TORN IN MILFORD, CONN.

DEAR TORN: The students you describe are at a very different level of maturity than you -- and I don't mean chronologically. After having experienced combat, you have a different perspective on what's important in life than someone who hasn't been tested.

You have earned the right to a college degree, so please don't waste the opportunity. If you complete your education, you will have more career options than if you quit now. If you feel you want to go into security work after graduation, that option will still be open. Others may not be.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#2
May 16, 2013
 

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1 What are the odds that the first Amy letter and eh first Abby letter are from the same person?

2.No one has a "right" to a college degree; you have the right to have the opportunity to earn one. Check the vet groups- you are not the first guy in-this situation

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
May 16, 2013
 

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I took it to mean GI bill, where he paid into his education fund. But instead of the word "degree" she could have said "education", but it sounds like splitting hairs to me.
PEllen wrote:
2.No one has a "right" to a college degree; you have the right to have the opportunity to earn one. Check the vet groups- you are not the first guy in-this situation

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#4
May 16, 2013
 

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1 maybe you are now asixual? Its the new gay.

Since: Jan 10

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#5
May 16, 2013
 

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L1: " I do not want this to go on any longer." Then break up with him. Yes, it will hurt him. Yes, he will "be persistent" again and won't take you at your word. You need to plan this so you can do this in a public place and then leave/walk away. Don't do this at his home or your home. Frankly, he sounds unpleasant to me.

L2: Your time in the military sped up your maturation process. Stick with school. Quit worrying about the other students (speaking of immaturity, worrying too much about what others are doing is immature) and just focus on yourself and your studies.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#6
May 16, 2013
 

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2- Lose the attitude that you're so much "better" and more mature than these "young people." (really dude? You're 23) and you sound just as immature. If you've learned to deal with the military, you can deal with your classmates. Unless you're just some grunt who isn't cut out for school. Maybe that's the crux of your problem?

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#7
May 16, 2013
 
L1: So you need for Abby to tell you how to break up with someone?

L2: Take classes online. I can imagine that it's hard for someone who has seen combat to relate to the rest of your age group who hasn't, so spend time with people with whom you have similar interests, etc. and not because you're thrown together in school.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#8
May 16, 2013
 

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LW1: "However, after my divorce I wonder if I'm capable of loving anyone other than my children again."

Oh, such drama! You sound like my 7 year-old.

You made a bad choice and stuck with it for quite awhile; now it's time to move on. Feelings will be hurt but everyone will get over it.

LW2: Trust me, you're not really missing much.

Focus on your studies, graduate early and get on with the next stage of your life. And RACE is right, there has to be some kind of support group for this, even if it's just on-line, so find it.
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

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#9
May 16, 2013
 

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My son and daughter (in their 30's) have recently been back to college and both have complained about the immaturity of younger students. The silly behavior and disruption in class annoyed my son to no end. He was mostly pissed that he was paying so much hard earned cash to have the kids waste the professor's time on their interruptions.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#10
May 16, 2013
 
Ok, I'll take credit for something I never said!
squishymama wrote:
LW1: "However, after my divorce I wonder if I'm capable of loving anyone other than my children again."
Oh, such drama! You sound like my 7 year-old.
You made a bad choice and stuck with it for quite awhile; now it's time to move on. Feelings will be hurt but everyone will get over it.
LW2: Trust me, you're not really missing much.
Focus on your studies, graduate early and get on with the next stage of your life. And RACE is right, there has to be some kind of support group for this, even if it's just on-line, so find it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#11
May 16, 2013
 
I was 28 when I went to a community college, and for the most part my younger classmates were focused on their studies while in class. The canteen and such... forgetaboutit!
tiredofit wrote:
My son and daughter (in their 30's) have recently been back to college and both have complained about the immaturity of younger students. The silly behavior and disruption in class annoyed my son to no end. He was mostly pissed that he was paying so much hard earned cash to have the kids waste the professor's time on their interruptions.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#12
May 16, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Ok, I'll take credit for something I never said!
<quoted text>
Ooops! It was PEllen.

I read this on the train and then posted without looking at the answers again. Sorry.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#13
May 16, 2013
 

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1: Yeah feeling will be hurt. Break up in a public place and walk away. He will likely keep trying to be in touch with you. Don't allow it. Block him from Facebook, etc., and change your contact info, block him from calling you. Delete his contact info. Agree with Angela, he sounds unpleasant, smothering even. <shrug>

2: Boo hoo dude. I am more than twice your age and I deal with it every day. Yanno what? IGNORE them and pay attention to your own stuff. If you want an education, the behavior of a bunch of kids shouldn't affect you. If they are disruptive in class, take it up with the professor...if she/he doesn't take care of it, escalate to the department chair and so on. Easy peasy.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#14
May 16, 2013
 

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squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Ooops! It was PEllen.
I read this on the train and then posted without looking at the answers again. Sorry.
If you are mixing me up with Race... I gotta get to the gym and the electrolyis lady ASAP.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#15
May 16, 2013
 

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Slowing down on those beers probably wouldn't hurt either.
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>If you are mixing me up with Race... I gotta get to the gym and the electrolyis lady ASAP.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

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#16
May 16, 2013
 
LW2 - check with teh school you're attending for a "club" for vets. If it still bugs you, look for a program for adult students... There are schools that either cater to "non-traditional" students or have a separate program for them. I know that DePaul has one; they also started as a university targeted to first-generation college students, who also were not taking their schooling for granted.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#17
May 16, 2013
 
LW2: What Aisle Sitter said. I finished my BA degree in a program for experienced learners. You had to be at least 26 to be in the program (I was just old enough). It was meant for students who have been out in the working world. It was hard because they did 16 weeks of work in 8, but you got a lot out of it. There were people ranging in age from their late 20s up to theri 80s in the classes and you got SO MUCH out of the discussions because everyone has so much to offer. And, best of all, they WANT to be there so they aren't causing distractions. And you can use some experience credits to cover your electives (like if you had an insurance license or a stock broker license).

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

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#18
May 16, 2013
 
Stina wrote:
LW2: What Aisle Sitter said. I finished my BA degree in a program for experienced learners. You had to be at least 26 to be in the program (I was just old enough). It was meant for students who have been out in the working world. It was hard because they did 16 weeks of work in 8, but you got a lot out of it. There were people ranging in age from their late 20s up to theri 80s in the classes and you got SO MUCH out of the discussions because everyone has so much to offer. And, best of all, they WANT to be there so they aren't causing distractions. And you can use some experience credits to cover your electives (like if you had an insurance license or a stock broker license).
That's what the DePaul School of New Learning does. Not sure about how all of it works, thoguh.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#19
May 16, 2013
 
Aisle Sitter wrote:
<quoted text>
That's what the DePaul School of New Learning does. Not sure about how all of it works, thoguh.
I was so glad I found the program I found, too. Plus, because you did 16 weeks in 8, I could double up and do 2 years in one. I was exhausted, but I got it done! And I had other classmates that just took their time, ehich is good, too.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#20
May 16, 2013
 
Aisle Sitter wrote:
<quoted text>
That's what the DePaul School of New Learning does. Not sure about how all of it works, thoguh.
My BIL got his BA through DePaul in this program at age 55. Old credits transferred in from a design/art school in teh 70's, some life experience credits given for job related stuff. t took him 3-4 semesters to get his degree.

The graduation was in teh Opera House ( 3500 seats) and it sounded like a Big Ten football game with all the ( well deserved) cheering

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