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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Nov 15, 2013
DEAR AMY: My husband and I met at work. I was a divorced mother of one; he was married with three older teens and just about to celebrate his 25th wedding anniversary. Miserable in his marriage, he pretended everything was great for the sake of the kids while waiting for his youngest to leave for college before divorcing. Cupid struck us both hard and fast; we felt we had finally met our soul mates.

He left his wife and moved in with me. She squeezed him for every penny while dragging out the divorce for three years and defaming him to everyone.

We married and have made a fresh start. His kids had no idea how unhappy he was and are upset to their core that he deceived their mother, but at some point, don't they need to live their faith and find it in their hearts to forgive?

I still have not met the children (now 22, 24 and 26) because they want nothing to do with me. My husband tries to reach out to them every month or so, but they make no effort to connect -- this is very hurtful to a father who made his children his top priority their whole lives.

Should I try to reach out, though I know they don't want to hear from me? He's about ready to give up. What should we do?-- Sad

DEAR SAD: You should not worry about these people living their faiths (that is really none of your business); rather, you should work to forgive them for being so hurt, damaged and angry. Your husband should explicitly ask for their forgiveness. He betrayed them, and now they are hurting. Despite everything, he should not criticize their mother or talk about how unhappy he was during the bulk of their childhoods.

He should continue to contact his children. You should set a goal to meet them to reconcile in the truest sense, so that these young people can heal and move forward. I highly recommend family therapy for all of you.

DEAR AMY: My wife is a self-taught gardener, and she is good at it. When she was laid off and suddenly there was no money for all the plants she wanted, she cleverly reached out to friends and asked if she could harvest their gardens for cuttings, etc. She gets leftover bulbs from the park district.

She now refuses to purchase plants. But she also does weird stuff -- she digs up plants along the roadway, and twice now, highway patrolmen have stopped to inquire and she has hidden the plants from their view and lied to them.

When we rented a lake house, on the last day she dug up their overgrown hostas, separated them and took the extra plants home.

Our garden looks great, but I'm often embarrassed and sometimes worried. She says I'm just being silly.-- Mr. Green Thumb

DEAR MR. GREEN THUMB: When your wife digs up plants along the roadway, she is likely breaking the law -- which is why the police are so interested in her activities. When she lies to them, she is doubling down.

Obtaining plants through asking for cuttings or bulbs is great. Stealing them is just plain wrong.

I am also an avid gardener. You can let your wife know that if I catch her dividing my hostas, I'll spade first and call the cops later.

Someday soon, she's going to need a lawyer. Perhaps she'll get lucky and the lawyer will accept being paid in geraniums.

DEAR AMY: "Abandoned Guest" was bellyaching about being a guest at a wedding where the bridal party took a couple of hours to have photos taken and arrived at the reception on a party bus.

So what?! When you are in a wedding, you are on your feet all day. The event is about the couple, and if this is what they want to do, so what? And if they want to have a few drinks along the way, that's up to them.-- Bridal Party

DEAR PARTY: Starting married life drunk and disorderly is definitely a choice the couple can make; they just can't expect their wedding guests to like it.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Nov 15, 2013
1-He left his wife and family for his young floozy of a secretary. You both got what you deserve. Hope it was worth it.

2- Yeah, that's called being a thief

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Nov 15, 2013
1 Home wrecker! You should have waited like the guy planned. Oh, wait.... the youngest is 22, so I guess you do wait. Well in that case...
The wife has been trashing the husband for 3yrs, filling her kids heads with all kinds of vile stuff and making the new wife out to be a spawn of satan. I think the husband needs to sit down with these kids and do what amy says NOT to do. He needs to explain that he was miserable, and the divorce would have occurred with or without the new wife, so they need to stop looking at her as a home wrecker. If he is being treated unfairly by his kids, he needs to stand up for himself and set the record straight.

2 I have no idea what any of that crap is, but if she is tyding up and only taking what would have been discarded anyway, I dont see a problem.

3 Oh shaddup you old prude! Get yourself a drink and go grumble to somebody who cares.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#4 Nov 15, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1-He left his wife and family for his young floozy of a secretary. You both got what you deserve. Hope it was worth it.
2- Yeah, that's called being a thief
If you're going to call her a "floozy," you need to find an equally pejorative term for him. HE is the one that had an obligation to his wife. HE is the bigger doosh.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#5 Nov 15, 2013
LW1- you are both idiots who are now learning that you reap what you sow. He wasn't going to leave his first wife until something "better" came along, no matter what he told you. You bought it because you are stupid.

As for what to do now, you stop thinking about yourselves for once. You acknowledge that he was not the best father and he asks for their forgiveness. Then, you try to do better by your daughter.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Nov 15, 2013
1.You are part of the new couple and you are stuck with the consequences of your actions.
His kids are adults. At some point they will question matters and try to reconcile their memories of their parents' marriage with their mothers calumnies .

2.The cop though she was digging weed.

3. If you invite people to function you have an obligation to not leave them at loose ends in a strange neighborhood. An unavoidable gap between ceremony and a reception which is several mile away is one thing. A couple hour gap while the bridal party parties separately and leaves the guests to sit in the parking lot is rude.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#7 Nov 15, 2013
PEllen wrote:
1.You are part of the new couple and you are stuck with the consequences of your actions.
His kids are adults. At some point they will question matters and try to reconcile their memories of their parents' marriage with their mothers calumnies .

2.The cop though she was digging weed.

3. If you invite people to function you have an obligation to not leave them at loose ends in a strange neighborhood. An unavoidable gap between ceremony and a reception which is several mile away is one thing. A couple hour gap while the bridal party parties separately and leaves the guests to sit in the parking lot is rude.
I don't remember the original letter, but around here the bridal party is not expected to participate in the cocktail hour. It is set up to give the guests something to do while pictures are being taken. It often starts an hour or so after the ceremony is finished so that people have time to go home and get changed (or check in to their hotels, depending on what time the wedding takes place).

I see nothing wrong with the bridal party hiring a party bus to take them from the ceremony site to the reception site. What else fits all those people? Do you expect them to remain hungry and thirsty while you get to enjoy the cocktail hour?(Directed at Abby, not PEllen)

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#8 Nov 15, 2013
*Amy

Both advice columns gave especially crappy advice on the third letters.
NicoleK

Villeneuve, Switzerland

#9 Nov 15, 2013
Dear Amy,

I'm a whore and my new husband is a cheating bastard, I know cuz I'm the one who he cheated with, LOL!

How can I get his kids to stop treating me like a total bitch who ruined their lives, and like a good person? What's wrong with them?

sincerely,
Total Ho

But seriously, instead of working on his marriage he pretended he was happy, and then out of nowhere moves in with his mistress. No wonder his whole family is upset. No matter how they are acting, it is NOTHING compared to what he has done.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Nov 15, 2013
L1: Do not contact his kids. If you cannot understand why those adult children feel the way they do, you don't understand people. He should apologize. He left the marriage and probably wasn't very attentive for years if he was so miserable.

L2: Ha! to PEllen. I think she's right. They probably thought she was harvesting her new batch.

L3: I agree with Scarlet. That's the way I always remember wedding being run. The cocktail hour is to keep everyone busy for awhile. As long as the bridal party isn't falling down drunk when they arrive at the reception, who cares.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Nov 15, 2013
LW1: I'm going with what RACE said. He needs to be honest with these adults, so when they start having kids of their own, they will begin to understand what their dad was thinking. But other than that, there's not a GD thing you can do to make this better. Just concentrate on your own child.

LW2: You need to make it clear to her that the money she is saving by digging stuff up off the side of the road will be less money than the bail and the lawyer's fees.

The hostas at the lake house is not such a big deal, so don't let Amy and her spade scare you. Now if she did that in someone's yard, then you're gonna have a problem, but not at a vaction rental. Probably made the place look better...

LW3: Who said anything about drunk and disorderly, little miss judgemental?

I just see it as more time at the open bar, so who gives a fig if the bridal party takes awhile. Then we can all be drunk and disorderly.
liner

Patchogue, NY

#12 Nov 15, 2013
L1: OK, everyone pretty much covered this one.....
L2: I'll go with PEllen on this. He probably doesn't even realize it!
BTW, no need to divide my wife's hostas, the dang deer eat them. I expect Bambi to knock on the door and ask for some bleu cheese.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#13 Nov 15, 2013
LW3 - I think weddings have turned into some kind of monstrosity. Bridezillas, destination crap, party buses, bridal party drama, split family drama, totally immature behavior on everyone's part, wedding planners (yech), hotel ballrooms filled with 100's who would rather be somewhere else, and spending enough to buy a house! Ridiculous! Could we please go back to a simple ceremony where two people get married in front of a few friends and family?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#14 Nov 15, 2013
So instead of going by what was written in the letter about him staying in his marriage for the kids, your just going to chuck all that out the window and come up with your own cockamamie idea of what happened and run with that?

Do you even read the same letters we do?
Toj wrote:
L1: Do not contact his kids. If you cannot understand why those adult children feel the way they do, you don't understand people. He should apologize. He left the marriage and probably wasn't very attentive for years if he was so miserable.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#15 Nov 15, 2013
I like NicoleK's take.

And Team Scarlett on L3.

“No. 1 Stunna”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Nov 15, 2013
LW1: If their father can’t get through to them, I doubt the woman who the children think broke up their parents’ marriage will, dumb, dumb. Furthermore, forgiveness is an option … no one needs to find it in their heart to forgive anyone of anything.

Hindsight is 20/20, but if he wanted to paint the dissolution of his marriage as being due to him being unhappy, rather than him cheating on his ex and the mother of his children and finding another woman, he probably shouldn’t have done all that he could do to make it appear as if the latter were the case by leaving her and moving right in with his mistress. At the very least, he should have made a clean break with his wife, before starting a relationship with you. Had he done so, his children would probably be more understanding.

LW2: IF she thinks she’s not doing anything wrong, ask her how she’d feel if someone was digging through her plants and taking some of them.

LW3: Outside of the party bus (usually they are limos, but BFD), I think that’s pretty normal. When else are you supposed to take photos?
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

#17 Nov 15, 2013
1. His kids will forgive you after their skirt chasing adulterous dad leaves YOU for a younger woman. Then they will realize a leopard never changes his spots, and hopefully you will learn to stay away from married men.
2. Hopefully she gets gardening duty when she is in jail.
3. Blah blah. If the bride and groom are spending on a day what they could buy a home with, then they should do what they want.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Nov 15, 2013
RACE wrote:
So instead of going by what was written in the letter about him staying in his marriage for the kids, your just going to chuck all that out the window and come up with your own cockamamie idea of what happened and run with that?
Do you even read the same letters we do?
<quoted text>
I have a special in with Abby and Amy. They send me the second page of the letter.

“No. 1 Stunna”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#19 Nov 15, 2013
RACE wrote:
So instead of going by what was written in the letter about him staying in his marriage for the kids, your just going to chuck all that out the window and come up with your own cockamamie idea of what happened and run with that?<quoted text>
She does that with every single letter she reads.
RACE wrote:
Do you even read the same letters we do?
<quoted text>
LMAO. Her reading comprehension ability is terrible. I bet she did bad on those tests in school.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#20 Nov 15, 2013
1: Why faking happy is not always a good idea.

2: Kooky...is she older and going insane?

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