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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Dec 31, 2013
DEAR AMY: My daughter, who was a late bloomer, entered into a serious relationship with “Sam” at a school out of state last year when they were both seniors.

They applied to a variety of grad schools (separately and together), but were only mutually accepted by one school in his home state (the same state where they met)

She could have gone to another school in another state with a free ride, but she chose to stay with him and doubled her student loans to do so.

We warned her of the consequences if they break up, but were assured that was never going to happen. Of course, shortly after school started, it did.

Now she feels trapped at a school she never wanted to go to with a debt she feels stupid to have taken on, and feels “broken.”

She pines for the boy as it was her fault they broke up. She’s home now for winter break and she cries all the time. We’ve had talks with her, but I’m at a loss for what to do.-- Broken-Hearted Father

DEAR FATHER: Envelop your daughter in your family embrace while she is with you. Making the kind of choice she made is common at her age, but emphasize to her that any choice she makes can be mitigated through her efforts.

She can heal from this breakup, but first she needs to rediscover herself. Help her explore those things about her school that are positive and urge her to see out the year there in order to give this experience meaning beyond the boyfriend. Let her know that you will help her figure out her next step (including transfer).

Encourage her to get together with hometown friends while she is home. Commiserate by sharing your own similar experiences (if you have them), so she won’t feel alone. She is not a victim, and this was not her fault. This is life.

If your daughter doesn’t seem to pull out of this, even slowly, take her depression and despair seriously. If she ruminates excessively and you become alarmed, make an appointment with a local therapist, and — no matter what — she should check in with her school’s counseling center when she returns to campus.

DEAR AMY: Please, please continue to be an advocate for people getting professional help. You don’t go to therapy because you’re crazy; you go to learn what you don’t know.

My childhood was bad because of mental, emotional and physical abuse. My parents and their siblings were not able to overcome their poor childhoods. My advantage was that I was smart, and I think it helped me to seek and persevere through many years of therapy. I have been able to create a happy life, and I can look forward to a wonderful future.

We are going through some terrible family drama right now, and it is because the rest of the family was unable to do what I did.

I am sorry for all of the hell people go through during the holiday season. Please help them to see it doesn’t have to be this way.-- Come Out Whole

DEAR WHOLE: I advocate for professional counseling because it can (but not always) work wonders. A neutral person who has training and expertise can help decode mysterious family dynamics and conflicts, and counseling need not always be expensive. Clergy can offer therapeutic wisdom and spiritual support, and the local department of children and family services can connect people with qualified social workers and family therapists.

DEAR AMY:“Foreign Tourist” mentioned reading your column and learning about American customs and ethical dilemmas.

I am a middle school teacher. I often bring your column into my classroom and use it as a teaching tool -- both for writing lessons and also to discuss moral situations.-- Middle School Teacher

DEAR TEACHER: I love to visit classrooms, and middle schoolers enjoy writing their own answers to actual questions from my column. They have taught me a lot.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#2 Dec 31, 2013
LW1 - It's an interesting cautionary tale for women. For men too, but to a more limited extent, I think, because they are less likely to become financially dependent on a significant other of their own accord. I don't think it's different for SAHMs who choose to leave the workforce for very extended periods of time because they can afford to live on a husband's income and they think that they will never, ever, ever lose his financial support.

(Ducking to avoid rotten eggs and tomatoes).

LW2 - Crazy people don't seek professional help. They don't believe they need it. Only sane people do.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#3 Dec 31, 2013
1- Is it too late to transfer to this other school?

2- Saw this show last night called "Escaping Evil, my life in a cult." OMG! Completely unbelievable! You think YOUR family is crazy? Imagine your parents forcing you to have sex and get married when you're 12?!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#4 Dec 31, 2013
Cass wrote:
I don't think it's different for SAHMs who choose to leave the workforce for very extended periods of time because they can afford to live on a husband's income and they think that they will never, ever, ever lose his financial support.
I agree. My former girlfriend quit her job shortly after we moved in together. I was the sole provider of her and her kid. And myself. The stress was overwhelming. Because they were so dependent on me, I was convinced I was gonna drop dead of a heart attack at any time.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#5 Dec 31, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I agree. My former girlfriend quit her job shortly after we moved in together. I was the sole provider of her and her kid. And myself. The stress was overwhelming. Because they were so dependent on me, I was convinced I was gonna drop dead of a heart attack at any time.
And since she is a former GF, at some point, I presume, she ended up in a financial schitt-hole because you left or kicked her out. Or she left or kicked you out.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#6 Dec 31, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- Is it too late to transfer to this other school?
!
That's not going to get rid of the loans. She may even need to start repaying them because she is leaving the school for another one. And the free ride may no longer be available, so she may need more loans if she transfers. If it's grad school after college, it's probably a Master's. It usually takes two years. She is better off sticking it out and completing the degree.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Dec 31, 2013
1 Reading between the lines, your daughter is now the campus slut and is ashamed of herself.

2 You go to therapy to learn, but you get medicated cause your crazy.

3 happy new year and merry holiday's

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#8 Dec 31, 2013
Cass wrote:
And since she is a former GF, at some point, I presume, she ended up in a financial schitt-hole because you left or kicked her out. Or she left or kicked you out.
And that's what happens when you presume. You make a pres out of you.... wait a minute, that's not how it goes...

Anyway, she's remarkably self-sufficient when she has to be

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#9 Dec 31, 2013
L1: I don't really understand what the "late bloomer" comment was all about.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#10 Dec 31, 2013
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
That's not going to get rid of the loans. She may even need to start repaying them because she is leaving the school for another one. And the free ride may no longer be available, so she may need more loans if she transfers. If it's grad school after college, it's probably a Master's. It usually takes two years. She is better off sticking it out and completing the degree.
Well, she's only been at the school for one semester. Just swallow what she's already used and give the rest back. Assuming she took the loans for the entire two years. Some people take them by the semester.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#11 Dec 31, 2013
I took it to mean this was her first real boyfriend and was not big on dating before him. I dont think she meant physically.
Matilda77 wrote:
L1: I don't really understand what the "late bloomer" comment was all about.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Dec 31, 2013
LW1: Let her wallow for awhile; she's mourning the loss of her first love. Then see about a transfer to another school.

LW2: Unfortunately, therapy often takes a backseat to other more pressing matters, like paying the electric bill. Maybe when mental healthcare starts to get more comprehensive coverage, people will utilize it more.

LW3: Yes, but do you pay her any royalties?
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#13 Dec 31, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 Reading between the lines, your daughter is now the campus slut and is ashamed of herself.
That's quite a read. I hope you don't think that being a late bloomer and having one boyfriend starting in your senior year of college is "slutty" behavior.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#14 Dec 31, 2013
LW1: I saw this one coming. The best and only cure for this is time and distraction. Hopefully, her studies will provide the bulk of the distraction. She could take a fun class or get a hobby to occupy any remaining hours that she is currently using to brood. There is little you can do to help. She will have to learn how to work through this.

LW2: Therapy is great if you find the right person; self-help is always available, too.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#15 Dec 31, 2013
No, but I think this is....
..."pines for the boy as it was her fault they broke up. She’s home now for winter break and she cries all the time"

Saying the break up was her "Fault" implies she did something to cause him to break up with her. They did not drift apart, or out grow each other, she did something to make him change how he felt about her, and sleeping with the soccer team will do that.
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
That's quite a read. I hope you don't think that being a late bloomer and having one boyfriend starting in your senior year of college is "slutty" behavior.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#16 Dec 31, 2013
RACE wrote:
No, but I think this is....
..."pines for the boy as it was her fault they broke up. She’s home now for winter break and she cries all the time"
Saying the break up was her "Fault" implies she did something to cause him to break up with her. They did not drift apart, or out grow each other, she did something to make him change how he felt about her, and sleeping with the soccer team will do that.
<quoted text>
Hmmm, well you have quite an imagination. Maybe he broke up with her so that he could do the entire women's soccer team. Then he'd be the "slut", right?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#17 Dec 31, 2013
sure but thats now what was written. It was her fault for the break up, it said so in the letter.
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
Hmmm, well you have quite an imagination. Maybe he broke up with her so that he could do the entire women's soccer team. Then he'd be the "slut", right?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#18 Dec 31, 2013
And the gutter is a great place to keep you mind.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#19 Dec 31, 2013
L2: you'd be wise to lose the notion that you're "smarter" than everyone else in your family and that is how/why you were able to seek therapy and a different path.

L3: I wonder what those classrooms of kids think when Amy's advice is biased against drinkers, biased toward women/mothers, advocates for calling the cops on harmless neighbors, and refers to regret sex as rape.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#20 Dec 31, 2013
RACE wrote:
sure but thats now what was written. It was her fault for the break up, it said so in the letter.
<quoted text>
The letter said that "she pines for the boy as it was her fault for the breakup." It didn't say she cheated on him. Maybe she did and regrets it, or maybe they just had a huge fight over stupid stuff and she lost it and broke up with him.

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