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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Aug 19, 2013
Dear Amy: I have been friends with my former college roommates for the past 32 years. We live in the same city and have gotten together every couple of months for dinner.

One of our roommates has always been the "party girl." This wasn't cute at age 21 and is really awful when she's older than 50. She lost her driver's license years ago. She is usually half in the bag when we pick her up and is passed out by the end of dinner.

If this weren't bad enough, her husband is abusive. The last time we dropped her off after dinner, he came running out to our car screaming and swearing at us, and kicked the car, damaging it.

Then he proceeded to call our homes and tell our husbands we were all "whores" (and worse). We know he hits her.

One of the reasons we always kept in touch was to offer her options. She has left him in the past but always returns.

No one wants to go to her house now to get her because we are scared of her husband. We are very worried about her and are afraid she is going to accidentally overdose or that her husband may kill her.

We would like to stage an intervention, but we don't think it would work. Her husband drives her everywhere and buys her drugs and alcohol. This is how he keeps her tied to him. He has successfully driven everyone away from her, including her family. We don't want to abandon her. What do you suggest?ó Afraid for our Friend

Dear Afraid: I applaud your efforts to
offer your friend a true lifeline. I don't believe this is a good time to discuss her addictions but to focus on her safety.

I shared your question with Katie Ray-Jones, president of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. You should research this issue by reading through the hotline's excellent and informative website at thehotline[dot]org, and/or calling the hotline yourself at 800[dash]799[dash]SAFE (7233). You may be able to contact your local women's shelter directly to bring your friend for a dinnertime visit.

Her husband is dangerous ó not only to her but also to you. If you can find a way to meet her without interacting with him (perhaps meeting her in a busy public place), you could spend time with her and urge her to go to a shelter, where her location would be kept a secret. At the very least, make sure she has the emergency hotline phone number to call and a bag packed (stored in a secret location, perhaps with one of you). Let her know that if (and when) she is ready to leave, she will have support to do so.

If you witness violence or have threats leveled against you, you must get the police involved.

Dear Amy: My close relative recently had a miscarriage. The parents want a funeral. If they do, I think it should be private. This is the first time this has happened in our family, and we want to do the right thing.ó A Worried Cousin

Dear Cousin: Your family should follow the parents' lead and do whatever they want to do, without commenting on the propriety of their choice. Many parents want to hold a memorial service after this sort of loss; this would be an important part of the family's healing. Be supportive, kind and compassionate. Sharing their grief will give these parents comfort during a very challenging time.

Dear Amy: Like "Of Sound Mind," when I was in my mid-20s I knew I did not want children and went to a doctor to seek permanent surgical sterilization. It still ticks me off that he felt he had the right to tell me he would not do the procedure because I would "change my mind." Counseling is one thing, but it is not a man's role to tell a woman what to do with her body, nor was it his to tell me he would not do the procedure.

I never had children, and that was the right choice for me and my husband.ó Happily Childless

Dear Happily Childless: I see your point, but I could imagine a female physician offering the same perspective.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#2 Aug 19, 2013
LW1: Only prob with her going to the shelter is if she has withdrawal. Otherwise, I agree.

LW2: It should be private, but do whatever they want. It's a big loss.

LW3: The doc also has a right to choose what procedures he/she wants to perform. Just the way it is.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#3 Aug 19, 2013
L2: A funeral for a miscarriage? Ah...nope. If everyone I knew had funerals for miscarriages, I'd be going to funerals all the time. Stillbirth is a different story.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#4 Aug 19, 2013
LW1: Pack a bag for her and have the next "dinner" at the shelter.

LW2: It would really depend on how far along the pregnancy was, imo. I miscarried at 8 weeks; not doing a funeral for a ball of goo. But if it far along, I could see having one.

LW3: Oh, the humanity! How dare he!! I can't believe a doctor gave sound medical advice; what is this world coming to?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Aug 19, 2013
L1: She won't go to a shelter still abusing drugs. She'll worry about where she's going to get her next fix and/or be afraid he will track her down somehow. Pick her up at her house and be ready to dial 911, get the SOB in jail and then take her to the shelter.

That's a lot to ask of someone, though. It does put the gf's lives in danger.

L2: I say whatever the grieving couple wants (as long as they are paying for it, too). It can't hurt anything further and just might make them feel better.

I personally would not do it for a miscarriage -- stillbirth probably.

L3: I believe Amy missed the point. It wasn't the gender of the doctor, rather a doctor was telling a patient what they can do with their body.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Aug 19, 2013
LW1: Abandon her, deal with it, or try an intervention, which probably wonít work and abandon her or deal with it after your attempt at an intervention.

I personally, would have said something a long time ago and then if she didnít changed, I would have distanced myself. I have no desire to babysit anyone or subject myself to abuse Ö just makes you a doormat, which is far beyond what friendship should entail.

LW2: Eh, I donít like the idea of that, but I guess it is there call.

LW3: I actually don't think any doctor should have to perform an elective surgery (s)he has an ethical problem with. If he felt that you stood a good chance of changing your mind down the road, it's his right to decide if he wanted to play a role in that. In such an instance, you have the right to find someone else who feels differently about it.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Aug 19, 2013
I was channeling my inner Race:

I meant, "thIEr" call.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#8 Aug 19, 2013
Team Sublime.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#9 Aug 19, 2013
1- MYOB. Seriously, dudes don't act this way.

"Ya know, Jim, I'm not liking the way Bob's wife treats him. We need to stage an intervention or do something to get him out of there."

These are her life choices. Her decisions.

2- I would think having a funeral for a miscarriage would be MORE depressing.

3- "but it is not a man's role to tell a woman what to do with her body, nor was it his to tell me he would not do the procedure."

Screw you, you man-hating super feminazi! It's not YOUR role to dictate what procedures a doctor should or should not perform.

And no doctor worth his salt should be performing irreversible sterilization on women that young. Anyone who does should lose his license.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#10 Aug 19, 2013
1: I would've dropped this friend and this drama decades ago. She doesn't want to leave--yet. Tell her to call if she needs help, but stop trying so hard. You might be unintentionally enabling her. Your berth might be a wake-up call.
And I would've called the cops when he kicked my car, especially if there was damage!

2: I'm with Mathilda. Not to be a jerk, but women mscarry all the bloody time. It's very common. We can't have funerals for all of those. But stillbirth, sure...

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#11 Aug 19, 2013
Having never personally experienced a miscarriage, I am no expert, but as they say everyone grieves differently. If it gives the parents solace then by all means, who am I to say its right or wrong.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#12 Aug 19, 2013
L1: So you spineless idiots didn't call the cops on her husband when he attacked your vehicle? You're not friends. You're enablers. I can't imagine taking an alcoholic friend out for more booze.

L2: I'm so not a fan of this. And really, it's not your funeral to plan. I think you need to keep your nose in your own business, and let them do as they wish. I assure you, other miscarriages have happened with women inyour family; they just chose to keep their loss private.

[I posted the above at the WaPo earlier today. But after a brief discussion, a few of us decided that the LW likely is young and inexperienced in these things, and that it most likely was a stillbirth or a very late term loss for the parents, not a 12-week's gestation miscarriage.]

L3: "it is not a manís role to tell a woman what to do with her body, nor was it his to tell me he would not do the procedure." Try telling that to the GOP.

And Amy is right -- a female doctor would have told you the same thing.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#13 Aug 19, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
I personally, would have said something a long time ago and then if she didnít changed, I would have distanced myself. I have no desire to babysit anyone or subject myself to abuse Ö just makes you a doormat, which is far beyond what friendship should entail.
YES. exactly. Why contribute to her spiral downward? I'm not going to buy cigarettes for a friend who's struggling with lung cancer. I'm not taking an alcoholic, messed up friend to a bar.

And the distancing would have happened long ago, because this friend is not looking to change herl ife.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#14 Aug 20, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: "it is not a manís role to tell a woman what to do with her body, nor was it his to tell me he would not do the procedure." Try telling that to the GOP.
Try telling that to Obamacare!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#15 Aug 20, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Try telling that to Obamacare!
That doesn't even make sense.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#16 Aug 20, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
That doesn't even make sense.
Then you've just proven how extremely ignorant of obammacare you truly are. No surprise.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 Aug 20, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Then you've just proven how extremely ignorant of obammacare you truly are. No surprise.
Sigh. You're such an idiot.

Just go away. You contribute nothing, ever.

Just stop breathing. Stop stealing oxygen!!!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#19 Aug 20, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Then you've just proven how extremely ignorant of obammacare you truly are. No surprise.
You forgot to throw in your liberals are evil rant.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#20 Aug 20, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Sigh. You're such an idiot.
Just go away. You contribute nothing, ever.
Just stop breathing. Stop stealing oxygen!!!
YOU are the idiot. A liberal, ignorant idiot who knows nothing! NOTHING!

Obamacare dictates what drs I can see, what procedures I can or cannot have, what preventative care I must have.... On and on. But I wouldn't expect you to know this. Your liberal leaders told you we want it, and like the mindless sheep you are, you believe it because you are incapable of thinking for yourself.

YOU go away. Nobody here likes you anyway.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#21 Aug 20, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
YOU are the idiot. A liberal, ignorant idiot who knows nothing! NOTHING!
Obamacare dictates what drs I can see, what procedures I can or cannot have, what preventative care I must have.... On and on. But I wouldn't expect you to know this. Your liberal leaders told you we want it, and like the mindless sheep you are, you believe it because you are incapable of thinking for yourself.
YOU go away. Nobody here likes you anyway.
Ha! You drank the Rush Limbaugh Koolaid!

And whatevs. I know I have more friends than you do. I also know it's because i"m not a pathetic, knee-jerk, bigoted creep.

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