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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Dec 14, 2012
DEAR AMY: My fiancee's parents announced this weekend that they are separating. Or, as my fiancee puts it, her mother is leaving and breaking her father's heart.

The husband's philosophy is that he can't limit himself to being with one person. He enjoys a polyamorous lifestyle where he has a steady wife and various girlfriends.

The husband talked the wife into accepting the poly lifestyle, and because she is a people pleaser, she gave it a good-faith effort for several years.

The wife found the husband's lifestyle increasingly difficult to cope with. She would like to return to a monogamous lifestyle where she doesn't need to compete with other women or feel jealous of his time.

Even though she says she is leaving, I believe she is open to the idea that they might still reconcile, but she feels like he needs to make an effort. When I read between those lines, I think she wants to ask him to get rid of his girlfriend and give up the poly lifestyle.

However, I don't think she communicates this clearly to him. I don't know if he would give up the girlfriend for his wife, but in the wife's eyes, it is the only way that they can be together. Would it be appropriate to privately explain to him what he should do to get her back? He is clearly distraught over losing her and does not appear to know what to do.-- Concerned Fiance

DEAR CONCERNED: This couple's "poly" lifestyle apparently has extended to you, and now me. Because here we are, sharing their private sexual history, interpreting their actions and contemplating choices that only this couple can make on their own behalf. Simply put: It is not your business to fix your future in-laws' marriage.

If this husband comes to you, saying, "What can I do to get my wife back?" you should definitely tell him what you think. If your fiancee (or her mother) asks you to join them in a family meeting to discuss this situation, as a future family member, you should do so.

Otherwise, unless you are a trained marriage counselor and want to take them on as clients, you should let this family work it out. Offer emotional support to each family member, and do your best not to take sides.

DEAR AMY: My son has presented me with a granddaughter. Unfortunately, he has nothing to do with the mother or child, other than paying child support.

I have since met the mother and find her to be very pleasant. She will be a good mother to my granddaughter. She also has a 10-year-old daughter from a previous marriage, whom I have not met.

Christmas is coming. What do I do about gifts? I don't want to only give to my granddaughter; I'd like to recognize the whole family. Do you have any suggestions? We are retired, so it needs to be something within our modest income.-- Grandmother

DEAR GRANDMOTHER: I love your spirit and determination to be the best family member you can be to people your son has rejected. A nice gift for this mother and children might be to give them an annual membership for a local museum, science center or zoo, something the mom and kids can enjoy together.

Otherwise, I suggest a warmly written card for the mother, a book for the 10-year-old, and a wooden toy for the youngest. For adolescent girls, I love the "Skye O'Shea" books by author Megan Shull (2003, American Girl).

Bless you, and all the grandparents out there who struggle to maintain positive relationships with all the children in their lives. You are family heroes.

DEAR AMY: My heart broke for "Sad," whose live-in guy went out drinking several times a week. She said her instinct was to "run for the hills." I hope she does. I lived with a heavy drinker for years. When he wouldn't seek help, I finally had to leave.-- Sober

DEAR SOBER: Many people responded with similar stories.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Dec 14, 2012
L1: Butt. Out. Butt out. Butt out butt out butt out butt out butt out. BUTT OUT.

L2: I don't care what she buys/gives them. She simply sounds WONDERFUL.

L3: The only boozer I'll live with is myself.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#3 Dec 14, 2012
1 Butt out, and be 100% sure your fiancee doesn't share her father's views on monogamy.

2 Whatever. Her son sounds like a real winner. Real men raise their kids doofus!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Dec 14, 2012
1 Sure, take him out drinking or to the local strip club and beat him with a clue bat!

2 "Presented"? WTF does that mean? Yes, include the other kid and the mother as well. The gift idea was really very good.

3 Team Red!
I was just musing this morning....

It's not like I wake up with a beer in my hand every day. Some mornings I have to walk to the fridge to get one!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#5 Dec 14, 2012
LW1: MYOB.

LW2: "Presented me?" Huh?

You are a moron if you have to write an advice columnist to ask what to give as a gift.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Dec 14, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: Butt. Out. Butt out. Butt out butt out butt out butt out butt out. BUTT OUT.
L2: I don't care what she buys/gives them. She simply sounds WONDERFUL.
L3: The only boozer I'll live with is myself.
Chanelling Angela:
Yes
Yes
Yes

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Dec 14, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Chanelling Angela:
Yes
Yes
Yes
I win! ;)~

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

#8 Dec 14, 2012
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: MYOB.
LW2: "Presented me?" Huh?
You are a moron if you have to write an advice columnist to ask what to give as a gift.
That was actually once a real phrase that was commonly used for the birth of a baby, quite awhile ago, of course. Maybe this LW is older or just never "got with it." I do applaud her spirit of kindness and generosity and wanting to be involved with her grandchild even if her doofus idiot son doesn't. I sure wish my son's paternal grandmother had been like that.

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

#9 Dec 14, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: Butt. Out. Butt out. Butt out butt out butt out butt out butt out. BUTT OUT.
Amen! Unless she really is a counselor and her fiance has begged her to use her professional skills to try to "help" (which I highly doubt, on both counts), I don't get why she's so interested in and invested in the marriage of two people who aren't even her in-laws yet. And you never know what really goes on behind closed doors in a marriage, the only two people who truly know are the two people who are married.

So it might not be all that she thinks it is, there may very well be other factors involved. And why would the husband think he could have both a wife AND girlfriends and not have to deal with the consequences of that? How would he like it if his wife took up polyandry and started having her own boyfriends?

But the LW's attitude leads me to then ask why ARE so many people so interested in and willing to butt into the private marital affairs of others when a marriage is really none of their business?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Dec 14, 2012
L1: That second sentence tells me this woman has more than the issue of what to do about her inlaws.

L2: Lucky little girl. At least she has a decent grandmother.

L3: For YEARS? Sounds like the LW was unhappy for years. What took you so long to leave his sorry arse?

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#11 Dec 14, 2012
L1: Waaaaaay too many characters in this story for me to follow along. But I still agree with Angela.

L2: I think Amy misinterpreted the letter and took the question too literally. I don't think the LW was asking for specific gift ideas, I think she was looking for validation to buy for the mom and older daughter too. But what do I know.

L3: My new year's resolution is to drink more.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#12 Dec 14, 2012
FWIW, LW1 is a guy.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Dec 14, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
FWIW, LW1 is a guy.
Wow, totally missed that.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#14 Dec 14, 2012
LW1: Only if asked, point blank, about what to do can you then tell him what you think he should do. Otherwise, you'll probably have to smile and nod alot.

LW2: A little gift for each child is nice idea. Something to eat is always welcome too.

LW3: This rehash is starting to stink as bad as the beer that got left out last night.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#15 Dec 14, 2012
Toj wrote:
L1: That second sentence tells me this woman has more than the issue of what to do about her inlaws.
Yeah. That second sentence tells me that maybe the guy shouldn't just butt out, but reconsider a connection to this family altogether. Both the daughter and father are blaming the soon-to-be-ex-wife for rocking the boat. I doubt it's that they don't understand why she's doing it, they just don't consider her why to be valid.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Dec 14, 2012
Judge Janie wrote:
<quoted text>
That was actually once a real phrase that was commonly used for the birth of a baby, quite awhile ago, of course. Maybe this LW is older or just never "got with it." I do applaud her spirit of kindness and generosity and wanting to be involved with her grandchild even if her doofus idiot son doesn't. I sure wish my son's paternal grandmother had been like that.
It makes her sound kind of snooty.
Sam I Am

Cedar Grove, TN

#17 Dec 14, 2012
1. Way to "read between the lines." You have laser-like perception. As for you, shut the heck up. Oh, and for your fiancee's benefit, let him know (if he already doesn't) that you are a meddling busybody with no boundaries so he has a fair chance to bail.

2. Do what you want. You can never be too thoughtful toward children.

3. The good thing about dating a boozer is they often leave their wallets unattended and they seldom recall how much was in there.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 Dec 14, 2012
I think the grandma just sounds a bit older, old fashioned. THey're retired and on a fixed income.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#19 Dec 14, 2012
At least your honest.
Sam I Am wrote:
3. The good thing about dating a boozer is they often leave their wallets unattended and they seldom recall how much was in there.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#20 Dec 14, 2012
Judge Janie wrote:
<quoted text> How would he like it if his wife took up polyandry and started having her own boyfriends?
We don't know that she didn't. And she may have given that a try and decided it wasn't for her.

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