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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 18, 2014
DEAR ABBY: Your answer to "Heartbroken in Alabama" (Jan. 2) did not go deep enough. The pregnant sister, "Nicole," who is facing prison time, needs to contact the Department of Children's Services in her county/state as soon as possible. They will oversee the placement of her child if said child is born in jail or prison.

A child born in custody becomes a ward of the state, and if arrangements can be made prior to birth for a foster family, it could benefit the child and "Heartbroken." -- OBSTETRICAL RN IN MICHIGAN

DEAR RN: Thank you for writing. Readers' views were emotionally charged about this subject, as you will see:

DEAR ABBY: "Heartbroken" is upset because her parents want to raise her sister's child while her sister serves a prison sentence. It should be the sister's decision who will raise the child, no one else's.

It sounds like the parents intend to maintain the family ties and make sure the child knows his/her birth mother, regardless of the circumstances. This is especially important, since the birth father is married and probably unavailable. It's unlikely the birth mother would be released from prison ready and able, emotionally and financially, to care for her child. But if the parents have custody, a relationship can still be formed and the child won't be cast to the wind.

If I were the birth mother, I wouldn't want my child raised by a sister who has no compassion or empathy for me. "Heartbroken" is behaving like the child is a commodity with no rights or needs of his/her own. That child needs to view the birth mother as someone of value (as everyone is) in order to develop a healthy sense of self. I urge "Heartbroken" and her husband to educate themselves about the emotional needs of adopted children before they take ANY child into their home.-- ADOPTIVE MOTHER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: "Heartbroken" may desperately want to be a mother and her mother may want to raise her grandchild, but has either of them given consideration to the special needs that Nicole's child will likely be born with?

We have two adopted children whose birth mothers had varying degrees of alcohol and drug dependency. Our boys have learning disabilities, seizures, ADHD and more. They require numerous kinds of therapy and more doctors' appointments than we had with our six biological children combined.

Adoption is a wonderful process and the joys of raising a child with special needs are numerous. However, "Heartbroken" and her mother both need to be aware that adopting a bundle of joy whose mother was drugged and/or drank during pregnancy means they will be raising a child who has some level of disability.

"Heartbroken," DO YOUR RESEARCH. I'd hate to see your heart broken again.-- MOM WHO KNOWS IN IDAHO

DEAR ABBY: Having an addiction does not absolve Nicole from facing the music for her past actions -- she may indeed serve time. But respect and empathy are more appropriate reactions to her situation than judgment and criticism. It's likely Nicole is already providing herSELF with plenty of those.

"Heartbroken" should consider talking with her sister to validate how hard it must be for Nicole, who "always wanted to be a mom," to finally be pregnant but facing jail time instead of nursery time. I know several women in the same situation, who acted on what they perceived to be in the best interest of their child. They facilitated the adoption of the child, most often sending the child to a loving and trusted relative, especially a sibling.-- ADDICTION MEDICINE DOC IN NEW ENGLAND

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Mar 18, 2014
Yeah, I'm sure a mother would rather have her baby become a ward of the state rather than be adopted by loving family members

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#3 Mar 18, 2014
And where's the baby daddy in all this?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Mar 18, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
And where's the baby daddy in all this?
Married as I recall

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Mar 18, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
Yeah, I'm sure a mother would rather have her baby become a ward of the state rather than be adopted by loving family members
Let's see. The parents raised one daughter who is a felon, an addict and who got knocked up by a married man and another daughter who is desperate to be a mom but has not been able to form a long term relationship with a partner --of either sex--, who hates the birth mother.
Y'know, for all the problems with eh foster care system, being a ward of the state sounds like it might be the best option.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Mar 18, 2014
Where oh where is Jerry Springer when you need him.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#7 Mar 18, 2014
This is just one bummer of a letter. I'm going back to bed.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#8 Mar 18, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>Let's see. The parents raised one daughter who is a felon, an addict and who got knocked up by a married man and another daughter who is desperate to be a mom but has not been able to form a long term relationship with a partner --of either sex--, who hates the birth mother.
Y'know, for all the problems with eh foster care system, being a ward of the state sounds like it might be the best option.
Didn't remember the letter with that level of detail. Whether the father was married or not, he still has a kid to support

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Mar 18, 2014
Found the original letter. I looked b/c I couldn't remember it. It's from January! Anyways, here's the link:

http://www.daily-journal.com/life/advice/dear...

Sounds like the woman writing needs to sit down and talk further with her parents.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#10 Mar 18, 2014
Toj wrote:
Found the original letter. I looked b/c I couldn't remember it. It's from January! Anyways, here's the link:
http://www.daily-journal.com/life/advice/dear...
Sounds like the woman writing needs to sit down and talk further with her parents.
I agree that the mother's "plan" to raise this kid for the next 10 to 15 years then hand it over when mom gets out of jail isn't a good one
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#11 Mar 18, 2014
Glance into the Future:

When the father of Nicole's baby got the piece of paper asking him to acknowledge paternity,
he:

(a) took the child himself
(b) arranged an adoption with a couple whom he could trust to love that child.
(c) denied he was the only one whom Nicole had been with
or
(d) other

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#12 Mar 18, 2014
What a huge, depressing pile of rehash!

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Mar 18, 2014
boundary painter wrote:
Glance into the Future:
When the father of Nicole's baby got the piece of paper asking him to acknowledge paternity,
he:
(a) took the child himself
(b) arranged an adoption with a couple whom he could trust to love that child.
(c) denied he was the only one whom Nicole had been with
or
(d) other
I mixture of all. He took the child himself to arrange an adoption with a couple, but one he didn't know, for a large sum of money. He since denies he was the father. He is currently bribing the birth mother's family with the name of the adopted family -- for a price. Nicole is too busy shooting up to know what the heck is going on.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#14 Mar 18, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I mixture of all. He took the child himself to arrange an adoption with a couple, but one he didn't know, for a large sum of money. He since denies he was the father. He is currently bribing the birth mother's family with the name of the adopted family -- for a price. Nicole is too busy shooting up to know what the heck is going on.
Wow, what a spicy story!(Does TOJ stand for "tabasco on jalapenos?"):)

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Mar 18, 2014
boundary painter wrote:
<quoted text>
Wow, what a spicy story!(Does TOJ stand for "tabasco on jalapenos?"):)
:D

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#16 Mar 18, 2014
j_m_w wrote:
What a huge, depressing pile of rehash!
I dunno, I kinda got mildly aroused

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#17 Mar 18, 2014
Great, another example of folks breeding who definitely shouldn't.
pde

Bothell, WA

#18 Mar 18, 2014
boundary painter wrote:
Glance into the Future:
When the father of Nicole's baby got the piece of paper asking him to acknowledge paternity,
he:
(a) took the child himself
(b) arranged an adoption with a couple whom he could trust to love that child.
(c) denied he was the only one whom Nicole had been with
or
(d) other
All those are too complex.

Easiest is that he terminates parental rights and lets the state handle the adoption. If both parents choose to terminate their parental rights, their extended family has no say in what happens. And an infant with terminated parental rights is going to be adopted out pretty much immediately.

Since: Oct 09

Danielson, CT

#19 Mar 18, 2014
_Annabella_ wrote:
Great, another example of folks breeding who definitely shouldn't.
Unfortunately, there's always been a lot of that. Then again, if there weren't, there would be a lot fewer advice column letters to poke fun at or bash.

Since: Oct 09

Danielson, CT

#20 Mar 18, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I mixture of all. He took the child himself to arrange an adoption with a couple, but one he didn't know, for a large sum of money. He since denies he was the father. He is currently bribing the birth mother's family with the name of the adopted family -- for a price. Nicole is too busy shooting up to know what the heck is going on.
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