“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jul 2, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I just found out that my husband of 30 years is having an affair. When I confronted him, he said: "I have a girlfriend. I can't imagine the rest of my life without girlfriends, so get over it!" Then he told me he has never been faithful, but that he loves me and would be devastated if I left. He considers his fooling around to be "safe and harmless escapades."

Abby, my heart is broken. He has flaunted this woman in my face, and embarrassed and humiliated me in public. Now he's angry with me because I told her husband what is going on.

How do I find the strength and courage to leave? I have some health issues and haven't worked in years. What do I tell our kids? My world is crashing down around my ears.-- HEARTBROKEN IN THE SOUTH

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your husband's "escapades" are neither safe nor harmless to YOU. His behavior is callous, hurtful and disrespectful.

It's very important that you remain calm and do nothing in haste. You will be better able to weigh your options if you talk to an attorney and find out what you're entitled to after having been married to this man for 30 years. And if you feel it would be helpful, find a licensed counselor to talk to.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a new husband, and things I thought I could tolerate before we were married are really bugging me now. I raised a daughter with another woman, and my current wife deleted every picture of her -- from sonograms to her second birthday -- and won't let me keep anything of hers.

I understand she wants our lives to be about us, but I try to keep it separate and the resentments are starting to fester. I'd confront her, but she's pregnant and has been extra emotional about me even leaving for work.

What do I do? Should I wait eight more months for the baby and then say something? I'm afraid I will snap before then.-- NEW HUSBAND IN WYOMING

DEAR NEW HUSBAND: I'm no doctor, but you and your wife need to consult one. She appears to be suffering from severe emotional problems. Her internist and gynecologist should be told what's going on so she can start counseling and possibly medication to help her with her extreme insecurity. That she would have problems about you "even leaving for work" is not normal behavior, and you should waste no time in dealing with this.

DEAR ABBY: My sister "Beth" has a boyfriend, "Danny." They have a 6-month-old baby girl. Neither one has a driver's license, and they both have low-paying part-time jobs.

Beth expects us to baby-sit, take her to the doctor, etc. Mom is now starting to refuse to do more than baby-sit on Sunday, because she says Beth needs to get her license and look for a better job, and it won't happen until she's "pushed to the wall." Only then will she realize she has to.

I agree, but I feel Beth and Danny should pursue their dreams. It takes money to get a license, and where we live there is no public transportation. What's your take on this tug-of-war?-- BIG BROTHER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BIG BROTHER: Listen to your mother. The chances of your sister and her boyfriend attaining their dreams while working at low-paying part-time jobs are not great. What they need now is help in gaining their independence. While your mother may have put it in harsh terms, she has the right idea.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#2 Jul 2, 2014
1- you need to ask Abby what to do? You can either give up your gravy train meal ticket and get a divorce, or you can accept things as they are and keep the status quo

2- btches be crazy. Yeah, have her see a doctor

3- stop enabling them. They probably shouldn't have had a baby if they're low wage earners and don't have a drivers licence. This is their bed to sleep in. People like this are what's wrong with America

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Jul 2, 2014
Team Edog three ways.

1. If you really are this stupid I can actually understand ( not sympathize, but understand) why your husband has girlfriends.

2. "...Things I thought I could tolerate before we were married are really bugging me ..."

She deleted pictures of your daughter? You can tolerate that?

A. Your wife is mentally ill and your unborn child is at risk from her pre- and post partum behavior. This is one time when you can talk directly to her doctor, to the OB at least and alert him/her of the situation.Otherwise we will read about your wife on the websites when she and the baby jump off a cliff or something.

B You are a doormat based on your reaction to her deletion of your older daughter's pictures. Don't let her near that child. She will harm it.

3. You are an enabler. As long as Beth and Danny know this, you will be sucked dry
bounhdary painter

Waco, TX

#5 Jul 2, 2014
Don't like any of these three writers.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#6 Jul 2, 2014
1: Ok, the lw might be stupid. I can see that her husband's infidelity and his reaction to her finding out is not exactly the same as we'd expect from most adulterous husbands. I think she's in shock and is paralyzed by it. That's why she wrote in. She needs some support or someone to tell her what she already knows in the back of her mind. Right now she's just feeling, not thinking. She probably spent a good number of years working to help support her family before her health failed. At the same time, she has probably put her family first and kept a clean house, made sure the family was fed and had clean clothes. She may have been the "go to" person in the extended family - the person everyone leaned on for help when they needed it. So here she is thinking she's going to spend her golden years by her husband's side growing old together and she finds out he's been cheating for years. That would stun anyone. She may have been subjugating her life to her husband's for so many years and he was probably making all the major decisions in their life. Now she has to make a major life-changing decision and it's probably not something she's used to doing. Since she hasn't been able to work for years, she may have worries about being able to support herself. So yes, she wrote in for advice and the support she needs for her backbone. That's better than doing nothing and simply allowing her husband to continue to walk all over her no questions asked. Many women used to do that.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#7 Jul 2, 2014
LW1 - Get two appointments stat:(1) a good therapist and (2) a good divorce attorney. In that order.

LW2 - Get two appointments stat:(1) your wife's Dr. or OB/GYN to tell him/her about your wife's emotional instability; postpartum depression is not just post - it's often peri-partum.

LW3 - Pursue their dreams? Are you all off your rockers???? They have a 6-month baby, barely-paying jobs, and no driver's licenses in rural CA. They need a swift kick in the pants, not enabling. Your mother is right. Getting a license doesn't take that much money. It's less than $40, including the fee for the drive test. They - or you - can carve that out of their (or your) budget for an essential one-time expense like a driver's license. Maybe they can scrimp a bit on "pursuing their dreams" for a month or two.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#8 Jul 2, 2014
2: Yes, you need to talk to her doctor. I don't know whether an obstetrician is able to give more information to a husband of a pregnant wife but still any doctor should be able to listen to any family member's concerns about his patient even if he cannot reveal anything about the patient. He/she will then have more information to consider when he sees his patient. It's also very possible that the lw's wife has signed a consent form for her doctor to talk to her husband. I believe that's often the case in marriage - spouses give that permission to each other. If that's the case here, there would be no problem.

I cannot tell from the letter whether the wife deleted those photos of the lw's daughter before or after the marriage. If before, he was stupid to marry her in the first place. Was she already pregnant and suffering from whatever at that time? Or is she just mentally unstable period and it has nothing to do with her pregnancy?

3: It sounds as though the lw's mom has the right idea. I'd still give the following help: if there's a medical emergency but not enough to call an ambulance, drive them to the doctor or emergency room. It could be helpful to offer to help your sister and/or her boyfriend learn to drive by taking them practice driving once they get their learner's permits. If you live in an area without public transport, it may also not have any driving schools. Helping someone become independent in this way would help your whole family in the long run.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#9 Jul 2, 2014
Pippa wrote:
1: Ok, the lw might be stupid. I can see that her husband's infidelity and his reaction to her finding out is not exactly the same as we'd expect from most adulterous husbands. I think she's in shock and is paralyzed by it. That's why she wrote in. She needs some support or someone to tell her what she already knows in the back of her mind. Right now she's just feeling, not thinking. She probably spent a good number of years working to help support her family before her health failed. At the same time, she has probably put her family first and kept a clean house, made sure the family was fed and had clean clothes. She may have been the "go to" person in the extended family - the person everyone leaned on for help when they needed it. So here she is thinking she's going to spend her golden years by her husband's side growing old together and she finds out he's been cheating for years. That would stun anyone. She may have been subjugating her life to her husband's for so many years and he was probably making all the major decisions in their life. Now she has to make a major life-changing decision and it's probably not something she's used to doing. Since she hasn't been able to work for years, she may have worries about being able to support herself. So yes, she wrote in for advice and the support she needs for her backbone. That's better than doing nothing and simply allowing her husband to continue to walk all over her no questions asked. Many women used to do that.
The factors which froze her are more likely the public humiliation and that she has not worked in years.

I don't equate having some health issues , as she phrased it, with being in failing health.

Alimony is rarely lifetime anymore. It is usually rehabilitative meaning for a finite period while the wife regains skills and finds a job . Her problem will be the blow to her self confidence from her marriage will carry over to her lack of self confidence in finding a job.

There is always the behavioral model of turning a blind eye to his behavior and feathering her own nest for a period while she regroups emotionally and decides what to do. If he has indeed never been faithful then his circle of friends and business acquaintances have known for a long time. This is news only to LW.

I am kind of tickled by the thought of her staying put, identifying the next serial mistress and alerting the cuckolded husband. It will always be with a married woman because husband doesn't want another wife.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#10 Jul 2, 2014
LW1: What is this, mid-life crisis day? Team Abby. And VADame, LOL. LW, get a good attorney, ASAP! Then get a good counselor who will help you locate your spine and your self-respect. Then tell your two-timing rectal orifice of a husband to pack his bags.

LW2: Your wife definitely needs to be evaluated. And you need to stop making babies until you are sure of what you can "tolerate".

LW3: Exactly what dreams are Beth and Danny pursuing that are more important than being able to transport their own child to doctor appointments? Licenses will also make it possible for them to find jobs farther away from home. The longer you drive them around, the longer they will remain dependent on you.

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