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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#1
Apr 28, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I am an atheist. My family is nonreligious. I have never felt an empty void due to lack of believing in a higher being, nor have I ever felt the need to seek something greater in which to believe.

I have happily settled on the philosophy of aiming to be a good person, having positive values (many of which are shared by major religions) and accepting people the way they are.

I am now in a serious relationship with someone who is Muslim. According to his religion, it is unacceptable to be with someone without a religion. I’ve always been honest with him. I’ve told him that although I can explore religions, I cannot guarantee that I will ever believe in God. He seemed to understand that faith cannot be forced upon a person.

Yesterday he told me that I don’t understand the sacrifice he’s making for us, in terms of betraying his religion, and that it kills him every day. There is no doubt that we love each other, but I am beginning to fear that our difference in religious leanings cannot be overcome. Some friends say that it would be best for us just to go our separate ways. Others tell me to “just believe,” but it’s not that simple. Yet others say it’s my boyfriend’s problem, but aren’t the two of us in this together? Is there anything that I, and we, can do to make this work?-- Nonreligious

DEAR NONRELIGIOUS: Pretending to believe in a higher power is not the way to go. Faith is not something that you can pretend your way into.

Nor is this is your boyfriend’s problem alone. I assume his family is also Muslim, just as yours is comprised of nonbelievers. Given how important his religion is to him, what you need to learn is that issues like this tend to magnify, not diminish, over time.

You two could seek the advice and counsel of a religious leader in his faith, ideally someone who knows him personally. This would further your education. Hearing the religious and cultural reality from clergy might give you a realistic view of your future if you two stay together. Then, yes, you both have a tough decision to make.

DEAR AMY: I would like to ask for help in dealing with a lady from church. Often in social settings, when talking to me or others, she will say something like,“Oh, here’s the new song we’re learning for choir,” and then burst into song, full volume, about 2 feet away from our faces.

She loves the sound of her own voice and is a bit of a showoff. I find this extremely awkward and can’t look her in the eye while this is going on. I also have to take at least one or two steps back from her, which seems rude on my part.

Can I just tell her that these “musical assaults” make me uncomfortable? She is a very straightforward person herself, so I wonder if that’s the best way to deal with her. Every time it happens, I get a little sick to my stomach because it’s so awkward. How should I respond when this happens?-- Sharon

DEAR SHARON: People frequently ask me how to get other people to stop doing something. When it comes to being sung to, however, I struggle advising you to tell this choir member to take her “How Great Thou Art” elsewhere. Because, even though I am sure the singing is annoying, there is something about it that strikes me as being potentially awesome, in an “Aunt Bee belts a hymn” sort of way.

Definitely step back when this happens. Tell her,“I’m just reaching for the volume button,” but also think deeply about whether there is a way you can enjoy this. Because if you could approach this with a different and more tolerant spirit, it might actually be awesome.

DEAR AMY: When out on a date, who pays?-- Wondering

DEAR WONDERING: Generally, the person issuing the invitation pays for the date, or you agree to split the check. Unless Ryan Gosling is in the room. If Ryan Gosling is around, he pays.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
Apr 28, 2013
 

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1- Won't be surprised if he ends up mercy killing you, ya infidel.

2- Tell her to save it for choir. Or American Idol.

3- The man pays for the first couple of dates, then they should switch off or split the bill. And who the hell is Ryan Gosling?

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

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#3
Apr 28, 2013
 
L1 writes:
"Yesterday he told me that I do not understand the sacrifice he is making for us, in terms of betraying his religion. and that it kills him every day"

...

"A coward dies a thousand times, but the valiant taste of death but once"

William Shakespeare
johnny

Clayton, NC

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#4
Apr 28, 2013
 
1: Go with him.

2: while she is singing everyone else sing out-of-tune.

3: man pays for everything lol also, a real man rather a male-fried or not who sees things that need-a-fixing / done will Just fix /do them. He will with-in a week of meeting you ( trust me) for what ever reason ??? call you and want exactly what you desire - strange it is.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#5
Apr 28, 2013
 
2 Treat her as you would anyone else who is rude loud and interrupting a conversation with inappropriate verbal interjection. Stop look at her and ignore her while you continue with teh conversation

Or, pat her on the hand and say Not now, Edith, we're talking.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#6
Apr 28, 2013
 
LW1 - Run as fast as you can!

LW2 - Totally bizarro.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#7
Apr 28, 2013
 
johnny wrote:
3: man pays for everything lol also, a real man rather a male-fried or not who sees things that need-a-fixing / done will Just fix /do them. He will with-in a week of meeting you ( trust me) for what ever reason ??? call you and want exactly what you desire - strange it is.
What the hell is this gibberish?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#8
Apr 28, 2013
 
Shari23 wrote:
LW1 - Run as fast as you can!
Why? What's HE done?

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

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#9
Apr 28, 2013
 
Urrrrghhhh...Lamy, his family is "composed of", not "comprised of"! There is no passive voice. The whole comprises the parts; the parts compose the whole.

My family comrpises several devout Catholics, a lapsed Baptist, a non-observant Jew, and several agnostics and atheists. Somehow we all manage to get along :-)

And, pretending your way into faith is actually a VERY good way to go, provided you WANT to find faith! If you can't believe, make believe; act as if; pray anyway. People do these things all the time, and very often find that they have come to believe. But LW1 does not want to find religion, other than the boyfriend she has no reason to find religion, and yeah, she should let him go since he can't accept her nonbelief.

Very sad for both.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Tacoma, WA

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#10
Apr 28, 2013
 

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1: Speaking as someone who has actually lived this, with a Muslim, it will.not.work. Period.

Ask him to describe himself. I will lay odds and a million dollars that he says "I am Muslim, I am...whatever" in that order. Their identity as a Muslim is paramount. They do not understand how once you are exposed to their religious point of view that you don't just "see the light." It is a zero-sum mentality.

He will not change nor will he cease to try to get you to "just believe" as if that was even possible. Also, agreeing to not discuss it won't work either.*You* might be able to do that, but I guarantee he won't be able to stop himself from bringing it up from time to time. Do not marry this man.

There is no bitterness or regret in this statement, it is just words of wisdom from one who has been there, done that.

Disclaimer: Not only did I live with him, I lived with and amongst many many many of them, for extended periods of time. I am extraordinarily intimately familiar with the culture. It is a group-think mentality and a "we" (as opposed to "I") culture. It is what it is.
Tom 4 28

Dallas, TX

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#11
Apr 28, 2013
 
Tom 4-28

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#12
Apr 28, 2013
 
L1: It sounds as Mimi said -- he sees himself as a Muslim first. It also seems like the LW sees him as a Muslim as well. Time to cut the ties, even though that will be difficult.

L2: Someone has to have a serious, kind chat with that lady.

L3: It's usually what Edog said but I think the appropriate way would be what Amy said.
johnnysistersue

Clayton, NC

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#13
Apr 28, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
What the hell is this gibberish?
Lol ...

Hey edogxxx, I'm 68 yrs old and I too, can relate what johnny has written here. Part of this comes form my up-bringing. Example: two of my sisters and my-self rarely ever worked out side our homes. There was a time, the men didn't even fix their own plates and preferred we women didn't work. If needed, the men themselves, would rather work a full time and part time job. However, we did / do our part.

I don't watch the news, as my husband each day and in the evening's, loves telling me about what's taking place local and Big-national news. And I love listening and asking him questions. We women believe our husbands is the next best thing to God.( this is so true)... Although I am more out-spoken than my two sisters. I so much respect my husband ... as my sisters do ... it's just about unbelievable as so many women today disrespect men. Especially their husband's. And it's easy to see couples truly don't " look forward / enjoy one-another" . The divorce rate is high - no wonder.

I'm starting see, maybe it is a " woman's world" ... and to hell with men. lol

sue.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#14
Apr 28, 2013
 
johnnysistersue wrote:
There was a time, the men didn't even fix their own plates and preferred we women didn't work. If needed, the men themselves, would rather work a full time and part time job.
I think today's economy has more to do with that no longer being a possibility than anything else. Hell, I need a full and part-time job just to support MYSELF!
johnnysistersue wrote:
And I love listening and asking him questions. We women believe our husbands is the next best thing to God.( this is so true)... Although I am more out-spoken than my two sisters. I so much respect my husband ... as my sisters do ... it's just about unbelievable as so many women today disrespect men. Especially their husband's.
This is the unfortunate reality of today's women, Sue.
sue

Clayton, NC

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#15
Apr 28, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I think today's economy has more to do with that no longer being a possibility than anything else. Hell, I need a full and part-time job just to support MYSELF!
<quoted text>
This is the unfortunate reality of today's women, Sue.
I totally agree with you. And while some men would rather work two jobs so's their wife can stay home and be rested for them. Today's economy has sure changed a lot for us all. For some, it's the choices of wanting to " keep up with the jones" that has put a many over their head.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#16
Apr 28, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Why? What's HE done?
Nothing. Its just unlikely to ever work out.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#17
Apr 28, 2013
 
sue wrote:
<quoted text>
I totally agree with you. And while some men would rather work two jobs so's their wife can stay home and be rested for them.
Suckers. If I was making enough thru ONE job that my wife did not need to work, great. But hell no I'm not working 2 to her zero.
sue

Clayton, NC

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#18
Apr 28, 2013
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Suckers. If I was making enough thru ONE job that my wife did not need to work, great. But hell no I'm not working 2 to her zero.
lol yeah, lot has changed. Women have passed men in education / Big-job-titles " we rule" lol sadly, this has gone to most of our heads. Men are looked down on, cursed, etc. Good example: Divorce rates.

I know a few married couples who make 150,000 /$200,000.00
each year and are broke.

If I was to tell a lady about my man today. The first thing most women will tell me is: " Leave that pos" etc. Lol ... we no-longer play.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#19
Apr 29, 2013
 
LW1: Too bad this is an issue now - how did it not come up at the beginning of the relationship (before it became too serious). I say cut your losses. It is going to become more magnified as time passes and once you have kids it will be a MAJOR issue. Forget it if you have daughters that are too "western".

LW2: If someone did that to me, I would burst out laughing!!!

LW3: I agree that it should be on the person who invited.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#20
Apr 29, 2013
 

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sue wrote:
<quoted text>
lol yeah, lot has changed. Women have passed men in education / Big-job-titles " we rule" lol sadly, this has gone to most of our heads. Men are looked down on, cursed, etc. Good example: Divorce rates.
I know a few married couples who make 150,000 /$200,000.00
each year and are broke.
If I was to tell a lady about my man today. The first thing most women will tell me is: " Leave that pos" etc. Lol ... we no-longer play.
From what I've read, divorce rates are higher for many reasons, one of which is since woman CAN support themselves they no longer stay in horrible marriages.

I would really dislike going back to the days when women were reliant on a man for their every need. I realize when it's two people who work well together, are a good match and are in love, it might work. However, even then, people die early deaths and some widows were left with nothing.

You should always know how to take care of every aspect of your life (including how to earn month) in my view. Then, what you choose is what you have chosen to do and if things do not go the way as planned you're not stuck in a bad position.

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