Abby 1-25

[edogxxx]

DEAR ABBY: I am the single mother of identical twin boys. They insist on dressing alike and use their own secret language. I have always had trouble telling them apart. When they were young, it was cute, but as they are growing older I'm starting to worry.

They're 12. When they oversleep, they shower together to save time. Their teacher took me aside during a conference and said they seem to be overly affectionate with each other and might benefit from some time with a masculine role model. When I questioned her, she said there is gossip that they were seen touching and possibly even kissing.

My research has brought up the idea of "twincest," and I am worried my boys may be falling into these habits. How would you suggest making them stop? Everyone keeps suggesting separation, but they share a room and I don't have another one or the money to build one. Help!-- MOM WITH TWO MUCH TROUBLE

DEAR MOM: You obviously love your boys, but please stop worrying. According to David Baron, M.D.-- an internationally respected psychiatrist at the University of Southern California -- at this point one of the most harmful things you could do is to blow this out of proportion. Twins have a special bond. They feel safer with each other than with their peers. If this persists, consult a therapist, for your peace of mind if nothing else. But please do not jump the gun because of gossip.

DEAR ABBY: I wear dentures. I have never gone out in public without them. However, I have seen people I know take them out in restaurants, etc. It is not only awful to look at, but don't they realize how they look? Am I shallow for not wanting anyone to see me without my "smile"? Is there some social etiquette that's being broken?-- TOOTHLESS IN COLORADO

DEAR TOOTHLESS: Of course there is. The active word here is "discretion." If a dental appliance is ill-fitting and uncomfortable, it should not be left on the table or displayed like a goldfish in a glass of water for all to admire. And need I add that a trip to the dentist should be scheduled ASAP to remedy the problem?

DEAR ABBY: I'm a college student and still live with my parents. My two older sisters moved out years ago. I never asked them why, but I'm sure it's because our father is emotionally abusive. He talks down to us and makes us feel inadequate.

He has belittled my mother for years, to the point that she doesn't bother arguing with him anymore. She used to play music all the time, but she's now afraid to "bother anybody." I can honestly say I never loved my father, and I wish Mom had divorced him years ago.

The few times I have tried to talk to him, he overreacted and accused me of being a drama queen who blows things out of proportion. He's almost 60 but has the emotional depth of a spoiled, angry 12-year-old. How can I convince Mom that leaving him will do her more good than harm?-- NO LOVE FOR DAD IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NO LOVE FOR DAD: You can't do that unless you fully understand her reasons for staying with your father. Women stay with abusive men for various reasons. Some of them do it because they are so emotionally beaten down they think they have no other choice. Some stay because they are financially dependent, and others do it because they are afraid of being alone. She may be biding her time until you are out of the house, or she may love your father.

[RACE]

1 Agree, no matter what your not going to change there sexuality, no matter where it lies. Just hope they live in a state where gays cant marry, cause that would be just creepy.

2 MYOB you toothless old hag! Nobody talks about that wart on your nose, so stay outta their business.

3 You are a drama queen! Writing amby, deciding why your sisters moved out instead of asking them, diciding why your mother stays instead of asking her. Yup, you got all the answers doncha?

[Mister Tonka]

LW1: Nip that shit in the bud. 12 gd years old? Showering together? Hell no. This is something YOU've allowed. I had a problem when I saw my friend let her 8 year old daughter shower together with a friend who was sleeping over. I damn sure would not be allowing that crap at 12.

LW2: "Am I shallow for not wanting anyone to see me without my "smile"?"
No. But just because you would not do it does not mean everyone else has to share your feelings.

"If a dental appliance is ill-fitting and uncomfortable, it should not be left on the table or displayed like a goldfish in a glass of water for all to admire. And need I add that a trip to the dentist should be scheduled ASAP to remedy the problem"

I don't know anything about dentures but I'm going to guess there might be other reasons one might take them out other than it being "ill-fitting".

LW3: "I'm a college student and still live with my parents. My two older sisters moved out years ago. I never asked them why,"
Did it ever occur to you that most kids move the F out of the house once they get to college and even moreso after college is over? While it may have been a joy to leave your father's house, I highly doubt moving out was BECAUSE of your father.

"How can I convince Mom that leaving him will do her more good than harm?"
Stay out of it.

[Sam I Am]

1. Um, I'm not an expert but the showering together is a little not good. A 12-yr.-old's shower needn't take more than 5 minutes, so they're really not saving any time. They need to be showering separately. And if there are any confirmed instances of them touching/kissing, that needs immediate attention. Having a close relationship and incest are two completely different things.

2. Discretion indeed, Abby, discretion indeed.

3. You're not going to talk her into leaving, but you can support her making an effort to explore her situation further, i.e. seeking out a support group, etc.

[Saluki Rod]

1 Showering together and having their own secret language? Kising each other? WTF? Do you have any idea how viciously they'll be treated by their peers at school once this gets out? Why did you allow this weirdness in the first place? Get a male figure in these boy's life ASAP before they get savaged socially, you twit! Also, Abby is so wrong on this.

2 Good gawd, get dentures that fit correctly.

3 It's her life, so say your piece and MYB.

[Sublime1]

LW1: All you need to do is take them down to a steel mill to meet manly men, like Homer did with Bart, when he thought he was gay:

http://blip.tv/todo-mundo/homer-and-bart-visi...

LW2: <snore>

LW3: MYOB.

[edogxxx]

1- "Twincest," huh? Super, a new word to add to my lexicon for my porn search engine.

[Sgt__Smith]

L1: This is an issue you think can be resolved with a letter to an advice column? Really? Your kids are doomed. Twins do have a special bond and some stay close their entire lives. But by this point, they should definitely be developing friendships and interests outside of each other. Start with family counseling and move on from there.
L2: Keep your teeth in your mouth, which is what you seem to want to do. And find new friends. Ish.
L3: Let me guess...you want mom to leave dad so you can continue living with her without having to put up with his bullying. Get your own place and she can decide for herself. Maybe she doesn't see any problem with his behavior. Or maybe she does, but the benefits of the marriage outweigh the problems. No matter, it's her decision, not yours.

[squishymama]

LW1: You should have learned the secret language years ago, since I'm sure they've been doing it since they could talk. But it probably too late for that; they don't want you to know now.

Make them shower separately, forgodssake! And get them involved with some men; soccer, baseball, Boys Club, whatever. They need some role models other than themselves.

LW2: SHE doesn't have the problem with ill-fitting dentures, Abby you dolt.

LW3: She's just waiting for you to move out so she can burn the house down with him in it.

[j_m_w]

L1: You guys have got it, nothing to add. Abby really dropped the ball by not addressing what to do if the rumors are true.

L2: I don't want to see someone's dentures in public unless they're wearing them, just like I didn't want to see kids' retainers sitting next to their lunch trays in school. Wrap that sh1t up.

L3: What Tonka said.

[PEllen]

Anyone focusing on the fact that the LW is a single mother and she is being advised to get a male influence for the boys?

No mention of the father or any extended family, or a church group or family friends where thee are dads or kindly next door neighbor/grandpa types.

That's odd

[Toj]

L1: Get those boys involved in separate activities AND activities they can share -- without a lot of fanfare. I would also have them take showers separately. You can say it has to do with personal independence they need to learn, you don't have to bring up potential sex play.

As for the secret language of twins, it is usually something the parents never figure out.

L2: This is just creepy.

L3: Her marriage is not your business. You can talk to her how your father makes YOU feel and show support for your mother. As to whether or not she divorces him -- her marriage, her decision.

[edogxxx]

PEllen wrote:

Anyone focusing on the fact that the LW is a single mother and she is being advised to get a male influence for the boys?
No mention of the father or any extended family, or a church group or family friends where thee are dads or kindly next door neighbor/grandpa types.
That's odd

Maybe mom needs to expand her social circle a bit.

[plumloco]

Prudie has had two letters recently dealing with twins in a relationship together. One was male-male and the other male-female. Her take was a lot better than Abby's. Anyway, the one point I wanted to make was that it really struck me that the LW said she has trouble telling them apart -- really?!? They are your children and you don't know which is which? Gimme a break. Lady doesn't sound too with it to me.

[edogxxx]

plumloco wrote:

Anyway, the one point I wanted to make was that it really struck me that the LW said she has trouble telling them apart -- really?!? They are your children and you don't know which is which? Gimme a break. Lady doesn't sound too with it to me.

Well, they're twins. I've often wondered how mothers can tell twins apart, especially when they're babies. I suspect it's not a rare occurence for them to end up getting "switched" around. Besides, she has bigger fish to fry. What's she gonna tell friends and family when they run off to California and marry each other?

[j_m_w]

edogxxx wrote:

<quoted text>
Well, they're twins. I've often wondered how mothers can tell twins apart, especially when they're babies. I suspect it's not a rare occurence for them to end up getting "switched" around. Besides, she has bigger fish to fry. What's she gonna tell friends and family when they run off to California and marry each other?

A friend of mine had twins (well, his girlfriend did, but you know what I mean) a few months ago and I asked him if it was hard to tell them apart. He said that one's face was a little narrower than the others, and they made sure to always put the right baby in the right crib and stuff. I think if you see them every single day, small differences that other people won't notice start standing out. I certainly hope that after 12 years, mom would have noticed Johnny's birthmark or Timmy's cowlick or something.

[Mister Tonka]

j_m_w wrote:

<quoted text>
A friend of mine had twins (well, his girlfriend did, but you know what I mean) a few months ago and I asked him if it was hard to tell them apart. He said that one's face was a little narrower than the others, and they made sure to always put the right baby in the right crib and stuff. I think if you see them every single day, small differences that other people won't notice start standing out. I certainly hope that after 12 years, mom would have noticed Johnny's birthmark or Timmy's cowlick or something.

I'd give one a tattoo. Or cut them somewhere to give them a scar.

[j_m_w]

Mister Tonka wrote:

<quoted text>
I'd give one a tattoo. Or cut them somewhere to give them a scar.

Great ideas.

[squishymama]

This twin discussion reminded me of a girl I met in college. She was a twin from some hoity-toity family in Bonn, Germany. Because the family was so hoity-toity, they had to pick an heir when she and her sister were born and they picked her (which of course she hated) but the thing that stuck with me was what they did to signify that she was the heir (and why she couldn't just give the heir-ness to her sister); they put a tiny gold ring on one of her pinky fingers and then broke the finger so the ring would be permanently stuck on her finger.

[edogxxx]

squishymama wrote:

they put a tiny gold ring on one of her pinky fingers and then broke the finger so the ring would be permanently stuck on her finger.

Wow, gotta love those Germans!

(did she still have the ring?)