“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Aug 8, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am a self-employed general contractor, and have been for the most part successful. My wife, "Janine," worked in the mortgage industry, but because of the economic downturn hasn't worked in three years.

After her mom provided some financial help to my business eight months ago, Janine decided she wanted to work for me doing the office work and bookkeeping. The problem is, she doesn't show up until late afternoon and stays only a short while. She doesn't get any work done, and then she leaves. She constantly rushes to get the bills paid at the very last minute.

Although my wife is college-educated, she really can't handle the job. Her work ethic is terrible. I started my company and I'm the boss. When Janine doesn't agree with me about something, she yells so loud I'm sure the people who work next door can hear her. I have talked to her about this, and we have fought about it. I tried to fire her but she says if she can't work for my business, we might as well get divorced.

I never wanted a partner and didn't ask for one, and now I feel trapped with an employee from hell. I love Janine and don't want a divorce. How can I get her to quit and still stay married?-- NEEDS HELP IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR NEEDS: Your wife's behavior is immature and inappropriate. If her being in your office is connected to the money her mother loaned you, my advice is to repay it immediately before your wife's "dabbling" as a business partner disrupts the business any further.

You may love Janine, but if the only thing holding your marriage together is allowing her to play at working in the office, then I'm sorry to say you don't have much of a marriage. Wake up and smell the coffee. You need an assistant and your wife needs something else to occupy her time.

DEAR ABBY: I was abused as a child through my teenage years. I told my mom and we talked about it. My stepfather was the molester.

Part of me is still angry about what he did to me, but another part thinks fondly of the life we had as kids. What's wrong with me? Is it normal to have conflicted emotions about a person who hurt you? None of my siblings know about my past. My stepfather is deceased now and so is my mom.-- SURVIVOR IN MARYLAND

DEAR SURVIVOR: You deserve credit for not only being able to acknowledge your pain, but also emotionally mature enough to look back and not diminish the good things. It's a sign that you are healthy. Your feelings are normal, and you are to be congratulated for being able to view your history in its entirety.

DEAR ABBY: The women I work with are now starting to have grandchildren. That's great, but when did it become trendy to have baby showers for the grandmothers? Personally, I think this is over the top. What about you?-- SHOWER OVERLOAD IN MINNESOTA

DEAR SHOWER OVERLOAD: I don't agree. It may have become trendy around the time that so many grandmothers assumed responsibility for raising their grandchildren. Or, the women may be so excited about welcoming a first grandchild that they want to celebrate with a party of their own. Because you feel differently, simply decline the invitations.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Aug 8, 2013
1 Dump your wife, there is a reason you are the only person who would hire her.

2 Yes your normal and you got a good reply to boot.

3 Grandama baby showers?? BS why not one for gramps? He will be just as much involved in the kids life as grandma? Sexist and superficial, blatant attention whorring.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Aug 8, 2013
L3: Abby, if you don't think these grandbaby showers aren't over the top, you're the biggest god damn idiot in the world.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#5 Aug 8, 2013
LW1: I say fire her and see if she means what she says. SHe has no right to hold you hostage.

LW2: I think the LW has a pretty healthy POV if she can see the good in her childhood, too. Most victims focus on their violation and can't see anything else (not to say I totally blame them, just pointing that out).

LW3: DEFINITELY over the top! Most grandma's I know (including my daughter's grandparents) go to consignment shops and garage sales and stock up things they will need for when they babysit. No need for another gift grab.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Aug 8, 2013
Stina wrote:
LW1: I say fire her and see if she means what she says. SHe has no right to hold you hostage.
LW2: I think the LW has a pretty healthy POV if she can see the good in her childhood, too. Most victims focus on their violation and can't see anything else (not to say I totally blame them, just pointing that out).
LW3: DEFINITELY over the top! Most grandma's I know (including my daughter's grandparents) go to consignment shops and garage sales and stock up things they will need for when they babysit. No need for another gift grab.
L1: I agree. What's she going to do? Walk out? She has no job.

L2: I agree. My dad could be a physically abusive a-hole, but I also can say I had a great childhood with great memories and experiences. And my abusive a-hold dad also drove me everywhere I needed to go for school/sports activities.

L3: I think I'd laugh out loud if someone invited me to a baby shower for the GRANDMOTHER. Eff that. When a close friend at work became a grandmother at 37 (she was heartbroken -- she'd gotten pregnant in high school and did all she could to educate her daughters to not make the same mistake), I got her a gift of a bunch of safety devices -- outlet plugs, cabinet door holders, etc. We don't always need a "shower" to motivate us to give a thoughtful gift to someone.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Aug 8, 2013
L1 There are website with advice for small business owners on how to deal with family member/employees. However, the mortgage business has picked up. As a General Contractor you have contacts in teh business. Ask around and suggest she get a part time job elsewhere If you are feeling gentle tell her it is that you don't want all the family financial eggs in one basket. f she leaves,, she leaves. She won't get much because 1) you had to borrow from her mom so your business isn't worth much and 2) she has an established trade or skill.

L2 Be glad you can remember the good parts. Selective memory occasionally has its advantage specially this long after the fact.

L3 Shower for the grandmother? Gve me a break. Doing a group gift to the co-worker's daughter, yes. At that age she will need it and you all will know that it i not all newborn cutesy outfits.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Aug 8, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: Abby, if you don't think these grandbaby showers aren't over the top, you're the biggest god damn idiot in the world.
Amen, sister!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Aug 8, 2013
LW1: Are you even paying her? If you are, stop. And then tell her again that this is not working; call her bluff and see what she does. If she walks out over this, then you're better off without her anyway.

LW2: You're normal of course, but it seems like you might want to also talk to your sibs about this. They may have the same secret as you.

LW3: This is the biggest bunch of bullsh!t I have ever heard.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 Aug 8, 2013
LW1: I think firing your wife would be very tough. Be firm and give her one more chance, tell her what you expect from her as an employee and tell her if she doesnít agree to these things and follow through, you will have no choice but to let her go and that it is non-negotiable, because itís a business you are running, not a marriage.

LW2: I would think thatís probably more healthy, because itís probably closer to reality.

LW3: Iíve never heard of such a thing.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#11 Aug 8, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
L1: I agree. What's she going to do? Walk out? She has no job.

L2: I agree. My dad could be a physically abusive a-hole, but I also can say I had a great childhood with great memories and experiences. And my abusive a-hold dad also drove me everywhere I needed to go for school/sports activities.

L3: I think I'd laugh out loud if someone invited me to a baby shower for the GRANDMOTHER. Eff that. When a close friend at work became a grandmother at 37 (she was heartbroken -- she'd gotten pregnant in high school and did all she could to educate her daughters to not make the same mistake), I got her a gift of a bunch of safety devices -- outlet plugs, cabinet door holders, etc. We don't always need a "shower" to motivate us to give a thoughtful gift to someone.
This. All of it. Especially the grandma baby showers. Really? Just no.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Aug 8, 2013
L1: If you can't sit down and have a calm conversation about how things are going in the office, then you're not good as an office manager either. Perhaps a counsellor could help you have this discussion if you can't do it yourself.

L2: I don't see a problem with it. Good for the LW for coming to terms with things where she can live a normal life. I think the problem I would have is separating the motives of that parent in the good times and the bad times, depending upon the kind of abuse and I'm assuming it was sexual abuse.

L3: I've never heard of anyone having a shower for a grandparent. I'm sure it happens but where is this happening all the time?

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#13 Aug 8, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: Abby, if you don't think these grandbaby showers aren't over the top, you're the biggest god damn idiot in the world.
ITA

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#14 Aug 8, 2013
Man bash much?

When Janine doesn't agree with me about something, she yells so loud I'm sure the people who work next door can hear her.

It's not the man losing his cool, its the broad. And remember you cant control what someone else does, not even when you're the boss.
Toj wrote:
L1: If you can't sit down and have a calm conversation about how things are going in the office, then you're not good as an office manager either. Perhaps a counsellor could help you have this discussion if you can't do it yourself.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Aug 8, 2013
RACE wrote:
Man bash much?
When Janine doesn't agree with me about something, she yells so loud I'm sure the people who work next door can hear her.
It's not the man losing his cool, its the broad. And remember you cant control what someone else does, not even when you're the boss.
<quoted text>
Yes, that is what I was doing. Man bashing.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Aug 8, 2013
If someone came yelling to me with clients nearby, I would not have a problem getting them fired or at least reprimanded.

Didn't think it needed to be said that the woman was out of line. That's as clear as the glass on the Windex commercials.

Race, you really need to stop looking for trouble where there is none.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#17 Aug 8, 2013
Oh, so if your husband worked for you and started yelling, you think you could just reprimand him? How exactly does that work? Gonna put a note in his permanent file? You gonna fire him? Yeah that will make your home life a sweet deal won't it?

While its obvious the wife is the one causing the problem, your failure to even mention it reads like you are ignoring it.

Your blaming the guy for something he really cant control, and calling him a loser because of it. To me, that's man bashing and I am not looking for trouble, just pointing out how you read to the rest of the world.

Maybe you should try proof reading before hitting the send button?
Toj wrote:
If someone came yelling to me with clients nearby, I would not have a problem getting them fired or at least reprimanded.
Didn't think it needed to be said that the woman was out of line. That's as clear as the glass on the Windex commercials.
Race, you really need to stop looking for trouble where there is none.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Aug 8, 2013
RACE wrote:
Oh, so if your husband worked for you and started yelling, you think you could just reprimand him? How exactly does that work? Gonna put a note in his permanent file? You gonna fire him? Yeah that will make your home life a sweet deal won't it?
While its obvious the wife is the one causing the problem, your failure to even mention it reads like you are ignoring it.
Your blaming the guy for something he really cant control, and calling him a loser because of it. To me, that's man bashing and I am not looking for trouble, just pointing out how you read to the rest of the world.
Maybe you should try proof reading before hitting the send button?
<quoted text>
Go to hello

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#19 Aug 8, 2013
You're such a grownup sometimes.
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
Go to hello

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