Posted in the Chicago Forum
Since: Jun 09
#1 Dec 25, 2013
Dear Amy: I recently came across a chat window my wife left open on her computer. What I saw made me very upset. My wife was engaging in sexual chatting with a man she is friends with on a website.
Looking at the chat days and times, I learned she was usually doing this chatting late at night after I go to bed but at least once she engaged in this while I was in the room (I know because she told him so).
I confronted her about it, and she said it got out of hand, but she never apologized. I know she likes to flirt, but calling the guy "babe" and using "xoxoxoxo" and telling him to have sexy dreams is beyond flirting and seems like an emotional affair.
They were also exchanging pictures. I am going to talk to my minister this week and ask his opinion, but I feel betrayed and wonder if she needs marriage counseling.
It is not like our marriage is loveless. We are intimate at least once a week, we cuddle, we meet for lunch, we watch TV shows and snuggle, etc.
My wife is prone to depression, and I wonder if there is a connection between that and her online behavior, but her stressors seem random to me.
- Sad Husband
Dear Husband: Your wife doesn't need marriage counseling - you both need it. Her behavior is unacceptable; it directly interferes with your intimate relationship. If she suffers from depression, it is her responsibility to find ways to manage her depression (including identifying and understanding her stressors). Your responsibility is to walk this road with her and work together to restore your intimate connection.
Dear Amy: For the last five years, I have been seeing a woman I can't get over. We are both in our mid-40s.
When we started dating, I knew that over 20 years she had slept with many men and women. She was in a long-term relationship with a woman when we met. She has never held a job for any significant time and demanded that I help her financially.
She would get frustrated with my frugal ways, and during this five-year period has "dated" five to eight other guys in an effort to be taken care of financially. But then she will call me when she needs something.
She says she loves me, but is not in love with me. I have stood by her during tough times, and her family identifies me as "her guy."
She says she is dating other people and wants to be alone while she figures herself out. She now resents her party girl ways over the years.
My friends can't believe I still talk to her, and say I'm too nice of a guy and deserve better. When I lost my job and car, she had no use for me and would only call or text me when I initiated contact.
I have professional women interested in me, but I ignore them for this woman with no real career and a cold heart. I want more than friendship.
- Lonely Guy
Dear Lonely: If, after this recitation, you can still somehow say, "I want more of this," then you have a problem. Your choice to stay embroiled in this drama does not mean that you are "too nice of a guy." It means you are willing to be a doormat to someone who chooses to tread upon you - wearing stilettos. Why don't you expect something better for your life? I can imagine why your friends are so frustrated.
I'm going to boil this down to a very simple rule: If the people who truly know and love you (your friends) all tell you the same thing - believe them.
You need to get tested for STDs and then move on.
Dear Amy: Your response to "Pro-Prevention" was good, but you should have told this young woman what a potential minefield genetic testing is. My daughter tested positive for the breast cancer gene (I did not), had the recommended treatment and now blames me! It has put a huge strain on our relationship.
- Sad Mom
Dear Mom: The whole point of genetic testing is to reveal the answers to mysteries locked deep within our bodies. What happens next can be chaotic. Testing should be accompanied by counseling.
#2 Dec 25, 2013
LW2 - Doormat. Medical miracle: an invertebrate human! Emotional masochist.
LW3 - So, your daughter is blaming you for biological facts beyond your control. Tough for you, but she needs counseling. Well, she should have had at least a meeting or two with a genetic counselor before the testing.
Some facts about breast cancer genes:
(1) Even if you test positive, it's a matter of probability, not certainty. In other words, if you inherited a damaged BRCA 1 or BRCA 2, your chance of developing breast or ovarian cancer increases to up to 65 or 70%(as opposed to 12% in general population), but having a damaged BRCA 1 or BRCA 2 does not automatically mean you WILL get cancer.
(2) Even if you do not test positive (or test "true negative"), you still have the risk of developing breast or ovarian cancer - about 12%.
(3) If the test results are positive, you can *choose* to do nothing and go with the flow, you can *choose* to go one of the two routes:(a) enhances screening (i.e. annual mammograms starting at a younger age) or (b) prophylactic surgery (double mastectomy or bilateral removal of fallopian tubes and ovaries). In any case, the patient is making a choice. She is free not to choose. It's on her, not somebody else. If the patient cannot cope with the consequences of her choices, she needs professional help.
#3 Dec 25, 2013
Ugh. Sorry, lots of typos in my previous post.
"or you can *choose" to go one of the two routes:...
"enhanceD" screening, not "enhanceS".
#4 Dec 25, 2013
LW1: You and your wife need to get marriage counseling yesterday.
LW2: DTMFA. I may have shared this story here before. Years ago, a good friend of mine was seeing this guy, Charlie, and was totally over the moon for him. Charlie was a self-absorbed jerk who tried to make my friend over. She is a gorgeous brunette. Charlie prefers blondes. So my friend spend a lot of time and money in the salon becoming a blonde. That wasn't good enough for him because Charlie wanted a woman with a good job. He dumped my friend for a blonde nurse and the nurse and they moved in together. In about 3 months, the nurse broke up with him and he came crawling back to my friend, who by that time had come to her senses. She told him, "You're no prize!" I was so proud of her. LW, please come to your senses and tell this woman that she is no prize.
#5 Dec 25, 2013
Arrrgh. The nurse and Charlie moved in together. Sorry for the poor editing.
#6 Dec 25, 2013
LW1: Your wife has absolutely no respect for you.
LW2: Jeebus, you are one sick/stupid/masochistic puppy. The woman you "can't get over" is a ho. And you are a moron.
#7 Dec 25, 2013
1: I hate people who do this, male or female. It is so destructive and so easy to avoid, yet many let it get too out of hand, like they actively wish their mariage would implode.
2: I can't wrap my brain that people like this really exist...what trauma happens to make someone thing that is the best they can get?
“Where is Tonka?”
Since: Feb 09
Neda, stay with me! Charlie
#8 Dec 26, 2013
1 harmless fun, get your own inet honey.
2 Maybe you should get a better job and not be so stingy with your money. Momma needs her bling!
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