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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 May 30, 2013
DEAR AMY: A couple we know in their early 30s has been unable to become pregnant because his sperm count is low. They have decided to try a fertility treatment that has a cost of about $10,000, which they don’t have.
They have decided to ask for donations. They both work and have good jobs, with a combined income of more than $80,000 a year. They have few expenses. Their rent is $1,500 per month, and they have one car payment — yet they have no money saved and spend all they earn.
We feel this is not the kind of thing one should ask friends and family to donate money for. If this is an acceptable practice, then we feel we should ask for donations for our daughter and her family for a down payment to purchase a home. Her family of six is living with relatives.
We think the couple has other options, one being to stop spending and start saving. What do you think?-- Horrified
DEAR HORRIFIED: I think people can ask for whatever they want, from whomever they want. The success of Internet Kickstarter campaigns for creative projects may have emboldened people to ask for donations to fund their personal projects. You needn’t worry about whether this is “acceptable” because people will hold their hands out, regardless of what you think.
This doesn’t mean you should feel pressure to comply, however.
One consequence of asking for money is the scrutiny this choice invites. Look at your own reaction to this request — you have drilled down, examined and now disclosed your perceptions of this couple’s finances, even comparing their finances with others’(whose financial situation you’ve also disclosed).
And thank you for that sperm count detail, by the way.
You can certainly judge this couple’s choice to ask for money, but in the end you need only decide whether to donate.

DEAR AMY: I am a 33-year-old man who is in a relatively new relationship with a woman.(We’ve been together for four months). We’ve both said,“I love you,” but not with haste.
We have each had experiences in which we were hurt by significant others and took time to mend. At this point in my life, I know what I want, I know what I am looking for, I know what I am willing to contribute and I’m ready for the next step. We have already had conversations about expectations in a marriage but not necessarily with regard to each other.
Can you offer questions a couple should ask before deciding to marry each other? In a perfect world where everything can be measured by some standard, how long should a couple wait before considering becoming engaged?-- D
DEAR D: In a perfect world, couples would delay marriage to enjoy the golden moments of engagement forever. In terms of how long to be together before becoming engaged, let me just say that when it comes to a true love match, you know what you know and time is immaterial.
Your thoughtful approach tells me that you and your beloved are ready to ask some challenging questions about money, family relationships and work-life balance. The real issue is: Can you hear the answers accurately and respectfully?
A book I like (which will stimulate important conversations) is “The Hard Questions: 100 Questions to Ask Before You Say ‘I Do’ ” by Susan Piver (2007, Tarcher). These questions, ranging from what you think of when you think of “home,” to how you handle friendships, family relationships, work and money, are important questions for any couple to tackle.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 May 30, 2013
1 Isnt this letter a rehash?

2 Yes, follow the outline of the perfect life and it will all work out.

sheesh!

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 May 30, 2013
1 Actually get your husband to tap his wife. It wont cost them a thing, and it could spice things up for you.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 May 30, 2013
L1: Your friends are idiots. If they can't scrape up $10K for fertility treatments, good luck finding $3K for braces, among other things. Amy's last paragraph says it all: Judge all you want (I sure would), but don't donate if you don't want to (I sure wouldn't).

Look at it this way: THey want a baby, but not badly enough to give up lattes and itunes purchases in order to conceive. So they don't REALLY want a baby. Not that badly.

L2: Geez. Cool down. What's your rush? Are your eggs drying up? Didn't think so.

"In a perfect world, couples would delay marriage to enjoy the golden moments of engagement forever." This is beyond stupid, even for Amy.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 May 30, 2013
L1 has to have been written by a parent of this couple. How on earth would anyone else know teh finances and the sperm count?
Answer: Don't contribute or set up a college fund for the embryo to be.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 May 30, 2013
PEllen wrote:
L1 has to have been written by a parent of this couple. How on earth would anyone else know teh finances and the sperm count?
Because the infertile couple overshares on everything. I don't think this LW is the only friend who knows the details of their finances, his sperm count is low, etc.
pde

Palatine, IL

#7 May 30, 2013
PEllen wrote:
L1 has to have been written by a parent of this couple. How on earth would anyone else know teh finances and the sperm count?
Answer: Don't contribute or set up a college fund for the embryo to be.
I have neighbors (and I'm not really close to many of my neighbors) who have randomly shared such information with me.

There's a type of couple who get so bound up with baby rabies that they can't talk about anything else.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#8 May 30, 2013
I've seen Facebook fundraisers for people trying to adopt a kid. Nope. Nope, nope, nope. I agree, it doesn't hurt to ask, but I ain't contributing.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 May 30, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Because the infertile couple overshares on everything. I don't think this LW is the only friend who knows the details of their finances, his sperm count is low, etc.
Is knowing how much rent is really the same as knowing rhe detiails of their finances? I don't see that tid bit as some super private info. I know how much my freind paid for his house. I know what the oroginal asking price was. How nuch his previous house was. How much extra it wad to put in his pool. A number of people from various circles have asked me about what my house cost and I have haf no problem sharing that info.

As for the sperm count, I think that would naturally be part of the disclosure as to what they need the $10k for.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 May 30, 2013
L1: First off, why the heck does this LW care and is so angry he/she writes into Amy? MYOB. Give or don't give. I wouldn't give but that's b/c kids are not a "must have".

L2: Don't rely on Amy. A relationship expert or therapist would be more reliable.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 May 30, 2013
One more rhing on the sperm count. I could easily see that being relayed in a self depracating humourous way.

We need to come up with 10k to give me trwatment cause I'm apparently shooting blanks.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 May 30, 2013
LW1: They can ask and you can not give. Save your outrage for something more worthy.

LW2: You've only been dating for 4 months. Come back in a year and then we'll talk.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#13 May 30, 2013
LW1 is too nosy....
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#14 May 30, 2013
LW1: Everyone's out for a free buck. And they're only in their early 30s. They have plenty of time to have a kid. They are shallow and selfish people. Hopefully byte time they have one, they will learn to put their own desires second. But ANYWAY... LW can make the choice not to give. That's all LW can do. Oh, and maybe she should talk to her own daughter about birth control.

LW2: I agree with squishy

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#15 May 30, 2013
1- Get off your high-horse, you judgmental btch. Their income and expenses are none of your concern. Who made you their self-appointed financial planner? Give or don't give but butt the fk out of anything else.

2- Chill dude. Four months in and you're thinking of marriage? While I think it's good to have a long-term goal, don't be in such a rush.

3- It all depends on how long the possum was dead. Fresh roadkill is okay to serve to houseguests, but not if it's been sitting there for a few days.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#16 May 30, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Is knowing how much rent is really the same as knowing rhe detiails of their finances? I don't see that tid bit as some super private info. I know how much my freind paid for his house. I know what the oroginal asking price was. How nuch his previous house was. How much extra it wad to put in his pool. A number of people from various circles have asked me about what my house cost and I have haf no problem sharing that info.
As for the sperm count, I think that would naturally be part of the disclosure as to what they need the $10k for.
Most of my friends, I don't know how much they make, what thei rmonthly rent/mortgage is, how much their cars cost, how much their house cost, whether they are trying to conceive, etc.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 May 30, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Most of my friends, I don't know how much they make, what thei rmonthly rent/mortgage is, how much their cars cost, how much their house cost, whether they are trying to conceive, etc.
I don't know what anyone makes. The cost of housing had been a big topic over he last few years so it comes up in conversation without any feeling that someone is being nosy. For instance, we had a time a few years ago when builders went nuts building condos and charging an arm and a leg. I got my house before the boom and paid way less than what condos were going for.
Cars? You don't need to see the sticker to have an idea what someone's car cost. The guy with the BMW likly paid more than the guy with the corolla. I know a couple that had fertlity treatments and ivf. Knew it while it was going on. Never thought it was a big deal that I knew.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 May 30, 2013
Oh, and I don't know if you own or rent, but as a homeowner, I've shared with friends (and they've shared with me) when I refinanced my mortgage and got a substantially lower rate and payment. Information that may help each other save some serious bucks.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#19 May 30, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> I don't know what anyone makes. The cost of housing had been a big topic over he last few years so it comes up in conversation without any feeling that someone is being nosy. For instance, we had a time a few years ago when builders went nuts building condos and charging an arm and a leg. I got my house before the boom and paid way less than what condos were going for.
Cars? You don't need to see the sticker to have an idea what someone's car cost. The guy with the BMW likly paid more than the guy with the corolla. I know a couple that had fertlity treatments and ivf. Knew it while it was going on. Never thought it was a big deal that I knew.
NO one in my circle has discussed what their houses cost, and I have no idea what cars cost.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Itasca, IL

#20 May 30, 2013
LW1 - Donate o r not, but keep your mouth shut about whether you do or don't, and DEFINATELY keep it shut about your opinion on the topic...

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