“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Nov 21, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I love my husband very much. Until the last few years there have never been any problems in our 20-year marriage. I have depression and epilepsy, and I am on five different medications for them.

Sometimes when I have come out of a seizure, I have found that my clothes have been removed and my husband is "touching" me. Also, because the medication puts me into a deep sleep at night, I have half-awakened to him having sex with me. I am so groggy I can't respond. Is this right? I feel like I have been violated, but I haven't said anything to him. This causes me to cringe most of the time when he touches me now.

I'd like to get back to a normal love life, but I can't get over what he does to me when I'm not fully aware. How do I tell him I know what he has been doing without ruining my marriage?-- FEELING VIOLATED IN RIO RANCHO, N.M.

DEAR FEELING VIOLATED: You feel violated because what your husband is doing is called spousal rape, and it's a criminal offense. Having sex with someone who is so doped up she (or he) can't give consent is a sexual assault. Tell your husband you know what he has been doing, how you feel about it and that you would prefer that the two of you make love while you are wide awake and able to fully enjoy it. This should be discussed with a marriage counselor and, if necessary, the police.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a married father of two very young children (2 and 6 months). I have excessive student loan debt that is making my life extremely tough, and between that, day care and my mortgage, I'm on the brink of bankruptcy.
My mother is extremely wealthy. She is very involved with my family and we both do things to help each other out. I mow the grass in her large yard every week.

She sees me struggling, yet she makes no offer to help financially. I am becoming resentful about it. If she helped, it would not change her lifestyle at all. My wife's family is the opposite. Her parents aren't wealthy, but they have done everything within their power to help their children. I know how I will treat my kids.

Am I wrong to feel resentment because my mother has decided differently? Or should I just "grow up"?-- FRUSTRATED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: If you have discussed with your mother that you are under extreme financial pressure and she has refused to help, then I can see why you might feel some resentment. My question is, have you talked to her about it? That would be the "grown-up" thing to do. The worst she can say is no. If she does, what you will need to do is take a part-time job to help with the bills -- even if it means you mow your mother's lawn less often.

DEAR ABBY: Next month will be our 25th anniversary. My wife and I are permanently separated, but will not divorce because she would lose health coverage under my employer's plan. How do I acknowledge this "landmark" -- or should I just ignore it, since it isn't really a celebratory event?-- NOT QUITE AN EX IN THE SOUTH

DEAR NOT QUITE AN EX: If you and your wife are on speaking terms, call her and say something nice. Or send her a card. If you're not on friendly terms, then diplomatically ignore the landmark.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#2 Nov 21, 2013
LW1 - Marriage counseling. Stat!

LW2 - You are an adult. It's your responsibility to pay your own bills. If you are on the brink of bankruptcy, that's your issue to deal with - not your mother's. She, actually, doesn't owe you anything. You can resent the heck out of her, and your feelings are yours, but that doesn't necessarily make them justified. And stop mowing her lawn. If she is wealthy, she can hire somebody else to do it.

Btw, the fact that you have student loans while you have a wealthy parent should have been an indicator that you cannot expect financial help from your mother. Sorry.

LW3 - Ignore the "anniversary." The marriage was over when you permanently separated. For all intents and purposes, you are divorced, except on paper.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Nov 21, 2013
1 I knew a person with epilepsy, but here seizures only lasted seconds not hours. How long is your episode that your husband has time to undress you?

2 Team Cass,with a side of abby about using your words.

3 WTF Move on dude.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Nov 21, 2013
Cass, Cass, Cass, 3 for 3.

Calling in the police is the nuclear option and while available would be very hard to prove especially if there s no violent marks left for proof. Since LW suffers from depression, taking that step and having it discounted or told that it is not an option the police will follow could be harder than dealing with the current situation.

Clearly LW doesn't feel she can talk to her husband about it. When it is brought to his attention, I suspect he will be embarrassed, defensive and quite possibly blind sided especially if it has been going on for a long time.. It would also be rather easy for him to gaslight her which would make matters worse for her.

A good marriage counselor for her and then bring him in, but keep the police out of it.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#5 Nov 21, 2013
L1. You could also go over the police's head and call your county state's attorney's office anonymously and ask them what all your options might be.
Just a thought.....
The police often want to make an arrest and let the court sort it out later anyway.
Just thinking out loud about the law in general.....

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Nov 21, 2013
LW1: What A Total Creep. Not sure why you didnít say something the first time it happened. A normal person would be concerned about you, watch over you, and try to keep you safe when you have a seizure Ö not act like a sexual predator. I wouldnít be surprised if this guy is a sexual predator in other contexts.

LW2: You are a grown up. Start acting like one. Itís not your mommyís job to support you or bail you out for choices you have made... or anyone elseís job, for that matter, including tax payers. You are the effing moron who had another child 6 months ago too. Wow smart is that, when you donít have a pot to pi$s in and are facing bankruptcy? Not very.

Iíd do everything I could possibly do, including moving into a trailer park before I put my hand out asking for other folks to support me. My self-respect isnít for sale, unlike many effing losers in this country who instead of first asking what they can do for themselves, first ask what others can do for them.

LW3: Whatís to acknowledge, except that you are being used.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Nov 21, 2013
LW1: This is just gross. Marriage counseling please.

But I suspect she won't do it. If she couldn't confront him the first time, I doubt she's going to want to confront him in front of a witness.

LW2: Your resentment is totally misplaced. It's not your mom's fault that your phd in english only netted you a HS teaching gig. If you feel you must ask for help, then ask for help with stuff for the kids ONLY.

LW3: "How do I acknowledge this "landmark"...?"

Sign her up for healthcare through the ACA and finalize the divorce.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#8 Nov 21, 2013
L2: So you're thinking your mommy owes you an allowance because you mow her lawn? You're a joke.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#9 Nov 21, 2013
I am reminded of the story of one of Johnny Carson's sons who had similar expectations and griped about living in a trailer park because his father would not support him. Kid got little sympathy.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#10 Nov 21, 2013
Team Cass.
I ignored our 10th anniversary. As far as I'm concerned, it's not an anniversary of a happy thing. We've been seperated 7 1/2 years. It's not something to be celebrated.

Since: Nov 09

Wisconsin

#11 Nov 21, 2013
Lw1: Yuck. LW should see a counselor by herself first, and make sure it's a counselor who has specialization in sexual assault. Her counselor will help her decide how to confront her husband, if she should call the police, and what her next actions should be. I wouldn't recommend going to the husband and trying to talk about this first, because I think he's probably going to deny that he raped her/gaslight the situation, and it's hard enough to be a rape victim without that attitude from your partner. She should talk to someone supportive first who can help her sort out all of her feelings.

Since: Nov 09

Wisconsin

#12 Nov 21, 2013
Regarding LW2: My mom has always said she wouldn't pay for our schooling even if she could afford it, because she wants us to learn to balance our own finances and take responsibilities for our own lives. However, I certainly think that if she were very wealthy and I was poor and struggling with two kids and loans--especially given the insane interest rate on loans right now--that she would do something like pay them for me and then allow me to pay her back, interest-free and in a small set amount. I can see why the LW would be frustrated. It's not that he's OWED anything, but it would be frustrating to see your parent sit back and watch you struggle and your kids go without when she could easily step in and help you. Isn't that what families are for?

Since: Nov 09

Wisconsin

#13 Nov 21, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW2: Your resentment is totally misplaced. It's not your mom's fault that your phd in english only netted you a HS teaching gig. If you feel you must ask for help, then ask for help with stuff for the kids ONLY.
Actually, PhDs in English do pretty well. A person with a PhD in English probably wouldn't get a job teaching high school--they'd be a community college, or they'd work outside the field of education and make a hell of a lot more than teachers do. And people rarely pay for their PhD.:)

I feel sorry for the LW. I'm 25 and in grad school right now, and the prospects out there are pretty bleak. The interest on our loans is skyrocketing, tuition is so high that nobody can work to pay their tuition anymore. Most careers require at least a four-year degree. Decent paying jobs are few and far between. Most jobs available to me, even were I to work full-time, aren't in my field and would still only pay me enough to just hover around the poverty line. And that's me as a single woman with no partner or kids.

Most of us are stuck in sinking situations like this. I'm not saying the LW didn't make ANY poor choices, but a lot of it is probably out of their control. Many people my age I know, from all kinds of degree programs, are sitting in a pretty similar situation to me. It's just how life is for us. It's not because we did anything wrong.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#14 Nov 21, 2013
1- He probably took your clothes off because he doesn't want them to tear or strangle you while you're flopping around. And as far as having sex with you while you're unconscious, sometimes when people take sleeping meds, they do things they're unaware of. Isn't there a chance YOU probably initiated it and didn't remember?
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#15 Nov 21, 2013
Team everybody.

LW1: First of all, find a good holistic doctor who can help wean you off some or all of this medicine which renders you so comatose that you are not aware of what is happening to you. Secondly, I totally agree with Sublime, your husband is a total creep. I don't know if there's a cure for that.

LW2: My mother used to say, "The world doesn't owe you a living." A quaint old saying, but true nevertheless. You are fortunate to have a mother that does not enable you. She is teaching you that you need to make decisions based on what you can (and cannot) afford to do.

LW3: Teams Cass and squishymama.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#16 Nov 21, 2013
Pixx wrote:
<quoted text>
Actually, PhDs in English do pretty well. A person with a PhD in English probably wouldn't get a job teaching high school--they'd be a community college, or they'd work outside the field of education and make a hell of a lot more than teachers do. And people rarely pay for their PhD.:)
I feel sorry for the LW. I'm 25 and in grad school right now, and the prospects out there are pretty bleak. The interest on our loans is skyrocketing, tuition is so high that nobody can work to pay their tuition anymore. Most careers require at least a four-year degree. Decent paying jobs are few and far between. Most jobs available to me, even were I to work full-time, aren't in my field and would still only pay me enough to just hover around the poverty line. And that's me as a single woman with no partner or kids.
Most of us are stuck in sinking situations like this. I'm not saying the LW didn't make ANY poor choices, but a lot of it is probably out of their control. Many people my age I know, from all kinds of degree programs, are sitting in a pretty similar situation to me. It's just how life is for us. It's not because we did anything wrong.
I was just trying to be snarky. I do feel sorry for you young 'uns these days because you're right; a lot of this is out of your control.

Nice to see you around, by the way.

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