Abby 11-20-12

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#1 Nov 30, 2012
DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to someone I love very much. I am 36 and he is 44. We get along great, but he's in a rush to get married. It will be my first and his second. We got engaged three months ago, and he wants the wedding to be in February. The date he picked is his father's birthday.

My other problem is, he is always pawing at me. He always needs to be touching me or calling me his "beautiful angel." It's good to hear that once in a while, but not five times a day.

I love being with him, but sometimes I need my own space. If I say no, he gets defensive and worried that I'm going to leave him. We spend practically every waking (and non-waking) moment together. I am almost at a breaking point. Help!-- OVERWHELMED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR OVERWHELMED: I hope you realize that the behavior you are describing is not an indication of love, but of extreme insecurity. His need to constantly touch you, his defensiveness if you say you need some space, and his fear that you will leave him won't change if you marry him. I am also concerned about the way your wedding date was chosen, because the decision wasn't arrived at mutually.

Ask yourself this: If he makes what should be joint decisions, and you have no space for yourself because of his insecurity, is this the way you want to spend a lifetime? These could be symptoms of an abuser.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 25, have an associate's degree in health management, completed a CRMA (Certified Residential Medication Aide) course, and I'm now on my way to obtaining my bachelor of science in health management. It sounds like I'm heading toward a great future, right?

My problem is I have zero confidence in myself. I'm scared to death of making mistakes as a CRMA, and equally scared of being successful. Everybody says how "proud" they are of me and that I'm headed toward great things, but I'm not sure I can do this. I am struggling to find self-confidence because if I don't believe in myself, I won't achieve anything. What can I do to put myself out there and take the steps I need to accomplish my goals?-- NEEDS A BOOST IN MAINE

DEAR NEEDS A BOOST: Self-doubt can be an asset if it causes you to strive harder to master the skills you will need in your profession. However, because you are afraid of both failure and success, the surest way to conquer your fears would be to talk about them with a counselor at your school or to a psychologist. What you are dealing with is not as unusual as you may think.

DEAR ABBY: My husband insists that wearing a white T-shirt when out and about is the same as wearing a colored one with a design on it. I think he's wearing underwear as outerwear and is being too casual.

We do not live in a rural community. We are in a suburb of San Diego. Life is relaxed here, but not that relaxed. Do you have an opinion?-- DRESSING UP, NOT DOWN

DEAR DRESSING UP: I do have a thought or two on the subject. If your husband is comfortable this way, leave him alone. Because you are the one concerned with appearances, continue dressing up to create the impression you want and let him dress down and suffer the consequences -- if there are any, which I doubt.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Nov 30, 2012
L1: I think "abuser" is inaccurate. "Controlling" would be more accurate, and I agree that it's based on his insecurities. Get pre-marriage counseling. And I wouldn't want to get married on the old man's birthday.

L2: Too boring to me.

L3: Why do you want to control what he wears?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Nov 30, 2012
1 Abuser? No, I dont think so. Insecure peeps like that can be put in their place if you are firm. You have to decide if you are going to train this man or not.

2 Go to one of those seminars.

3 He's a grown ass man, leave him be.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#4 Nov 30, 2012
LW1: He sounds kind of controlling and possessive. You need to be more assertive and tell him to stop pawing at you and if you don't want to get married in February, say so. Use your words to him, not to an advice columnist.

LW2: You should switch careers and become a motivational speaker, NOT!

LW3: I often times wear a v-neck white tee-shirt when bumming around the house and working outside, but not out in public, but that's me. IF subtle suggestions that women sometimes make don't work, I'd leave it be. He's a big boy.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 Nov 30, 2012
LW1: Is there nothing in between emotionally stable and abuser, Abby? No mention of some pre-marital counceling? This dude has some emotional issues that might be easily overcome with a little help from a professional, but you're so quick to call him abusive. <shakes head>

LW2: I don't know that I'd want you for a nurse or whatever you're training for if you're too stupid to use the resources I'm sure the school you attend has offered to you.

LW3: I've seen designer white t's that cost hundreds of dollars. Just pretend he's wearing one of those and shut up.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#6 Nov 30, 2012
What's stopping LW1 from telling him she needs moe
time to get to know him--and would like to take it a little slower?


“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Nov 30, 2012
L1: I'm with you guys -- abuser? Not yet. Didn't even come into my mind. Could be a lot of things. But whatever it is she needs to get this straightened out and not marry him until they are both comfortable with each other in all aspects. Otherwise, you're asking for trouble before you even start.

L2: Counselling. Could be something that will pass. Could be it's the wrong career for you. Investigate.

L3: I wouldn't be a fan of a husband of mine wearing a white t-shirt all the time but beyond once or twice gently saying something, I would leave it alone. He's a big boy. He gets to dress himself. I'm sure the LW wouldn't want her husband to pick out her clothes.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#8 Nov 30, 2012
1- Only you can decide if you want to marry this guy.

2- What the hell is a Certified Residential Medication Aid?

3- I frequently wear a plain white tee to work. Didn't realize I was actually showing up in my underwear.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 Nov 30, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
2- What the hell is a Certified Residential Medication Aid?
I looked it up this morning. It allows a person to dispense medications in various care facilities, including those like assisted living apartments.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#10 Nov 30, 2012
Well, thats just flippin great! Last thing I want is somebody to give me meds who is terrified of screwing up, cause they will!
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I looked it up this morning. It allows a person to dispense medications in various care facilities, including those like assisted living apartments.

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