Abby 10-2-13

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Oct 2, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating Mr. Right for two years. "Phil" is the man I want to spend my life with. When we are together privately, everything is perfect.

The problem is, Phil hangs out with his old college buddies every few weeks or months, and it often involves his ex-girlfriends. They don't hang out alone. There is always at least one other person there. The situations usually include drinking, which worries me.

In my opinion, Phil should not be seeing his exes, even though his college friends are still buddies with them. Phil doesn't understand why I think this is so wrong. I am uncomfortable and think he should avoid these situations.

Am I overly jealous, or should I call it quits because he won't respect my feelings on the matter?-- HOME ALONE IN KOKOMO

DEAR HOME ALONE: I don't think you are overly jealous, but I do think you may be overly insecure. Has Phil given you any reason to think he has cheated on you? If not, you should trust that he is doing nothing more than hanging out occasionally with old friends.

You say he is encountering exes (plural) when he sees his male friends. If it was just one, you might have cause to worry. Remember, these women are exes for a reason. Unless you want to be another ex, you should lighten up because insecurity and possessiveness are unattractive traits.

DEAR ABBY: We have lived next door to a couple, "Evie" and "Earl," for five years. I thought we were good friends. Over the years, I vented to Evie about my relationship with my daughter-in-law, "Cate." I watch my two grandkids most of the week and have complained to her about Cate's poor parenting skills.

Last summer, my daughter-in-law made a concerted effort to befriend Evie, and they now socialize together -- even though Cate flirted with Earl and Evie didn't like it. This has pretty much killed my friendship with Evie and worsened my relationship with my D-I-L.

This has affected me emotionally and physically to the point that I either want to cut off ties with my son and/or move -- neither of which is really an option. I have tried talking to both parties to no avail. I don't know what to do. Please help.-- BETRAYED IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BETRAYED: If you had concerns about your daughter-in-law's parenting skills, the person you should have discussed them with was Cate. And if Evie was as good a friend as you thought, she wouldn't be hanging around with your daughter-in-law to the exclusion of you.

I assume that you, your son and Cate are still on speaking terms and you're still watching the kids "most of the week." If that's not true and you have been cut off by everyone, then the most important thing you need to do is take care of your mental and physical health. Accept that Evie will never be your buddy again and start socializing with others.

If you are no longer watching your grandchildren, your son and D-I-L will have to make alternative arrangements for childcare, which will cost them money they may be reluctant to spend. Then it will be in their interest as well as yours to make peace.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#2 Oct 2, 2013
LW1: Does Phil ever invite you to these get togethers?

LW2: You always have to be carful who you confide in. This is why I am careful what I say to people. People will turn on you in a hearbeat. Lesson learned.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#3 Oct 2, 2013
I hate hate hate when I agree with Abby. Especically:

LW1: "Unless you want to be another ex, you should lighten up because insecurity and possessiveness are unattractive traits."

LW2: "If you are no longer watching your grandchildren, your son and D-I-L will have to make alternative arrangements for childcare, which will cost them money they may be reluctant to spend. Then it will be in their interest as well as yours to make peace."

It's all about the money, baby. If you say you can't watch them anymore because of this, I bet things will change rather quickly.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#4 Oct 2, 2013
Ll: I agree with Squishy -- Abby is right. I'm with Stina -- I am wondering if she's ever invited.

L2: Say you're sorry for talking about her and then move on.
pde

Palatine, IL

#5 Oct 2, 2013
LW2: So, you're saying that you trash-talking your DIL and it getting back to your DIL because she's become friends with the person you talked to has worsened your relationship? There's a DUH in there.

I'm not sure what you want out of this. You're likely not regaining the friendship with Evie, because she's seen your true colors. You're likely not recovering your relationship with your DIL because you haven't liked her, and still don't like her. Exactly what you do you think THEY should be fixing here?

Threatening to not watch the children any longer probably is going to do nothing except really drive home what a nasty old women you've become. It's not going to fix your friendship with Evie (in fact, it will probably be the final straw in having any sort of relationship with your neighbors). And the best you can hope for from Cate now is probably that she acts civil when you're around.

It might also lead Cate and your son to conclude that they really do need to cut all ties with you.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#6 Oct 2, 2013
LW1: Team Abby-squishy. Stina also brings up a good point - is she invited? Because if it's a guys' night out, why are they running into his exes? Maybe it's a college buddies' night out and his exes are from his college days. Whatever. He's entitled to a night out without LW. If he's The One, LW should be able to trust him.

LW2: Team Stina. And LW, try to be less negative and less of a drama queen. You can't change or control anyone except yourself.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#7 Oct 2, 2013
Agree with the above advice.

"Phil" may not really be Mr Right for LW1.

LW2 now gets to weed the garden where she sowed the seeds of criticism--and may need to mend bridges with both her daughter-in-law and her
friend if she wants to turn back to a better track.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#8 Oct 2, 2013
LW1: Sounds like you're never invited when "Mr. Right" is meeting up with his college buddies and his exes. If so, umm, yeah, that's a problem.

LW2: Maybe you'll find better friends once you move out of the trailer park.

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