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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jul 5, 2013
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are the proud parents of beautiful 4-year-old twins. After years of infertility, we found out that my husband has a low sperm count. Additionally, I have very few eggs. Ultimately, we conceived our miracles with IVF and the help of a sperm donor.

We do not want to keep this a secret from our children. We want them to eventually know, understand and be proud of the journey it took to bring them into this world. However, my husband and I are very private people. We understand that once the dialogue with our children begins, others will naturally find out.

My husband still feels very uncomfortable discussing his condition. How do we explain to our children, friends and family without becoming the focus of gossip and whispers?-- PROUD PARENTS

DEAR PROUD PARENTS: Infertility among couples is no longer a deep, dark or shameful secret, and the fact that you needed help to have your children shouldn't generate gossip or whispers because, frankly, it isn't shocking or titillating anymore.

When your children are old enough to be told the facts of life, they can be told that they were conceived through in vitro fertilization. They do not have to be told every detail all at once. When they are older, they may ask questions about why it was necessary -- and when they do, their questions should be answered honestly and in an age-appropriate manner.

DEAR ABBY: Last year I started dating the man I thought I would someday marry. We connected instantly and had a deep love for each other. We argued during most of our relationship, but strangely, never stopped feeling the way we did at the start. Our connection was undeniable and our love endless.

One night we got into a heated argument over "inappropriate" emails between him and an ex. The argument escalated and I was arrested. Worse than being in trouble with the law for the first time in my life was losing my other half.

Most people would say, "Walk away; you never belonged together." But I don't agree. I have never been in a relationship that had such highs and lows. I miss him and miss sharing my life with him.-- CONFUSED AND HEARTBROKEN

DEAR CONFUSED AND HEARTBROKEN: Whether you agree with "most people" or not, the most important person -- the man you were involved with -- no longer wants to be involved with you. As much as you cared for him, if he was sending "inappropriate" emails to an ex, it appears he was not equally devoted to you. The coup de grace was when you became so violent you were jailed.

You may miss what you thought you had with him, but what you need now is a therapist who can help you understand what a healthy relationship is all about, because this wasn't one. It's time to accept that this drama is over, because unless you do, you could be labeled a stalker and find yourself in even more trouble.

DEAR ABBY: I met this guy recently and I guess he's good-looking enough, but the thing is I really like his teeth. Like really, really like them for some reason. They're just so perfect, and I like the shape and everything.

The thing is, I've never actually paid that much attention to anyone else's teeth, just his. So does this count as a fetish or not?-- AM I WEIRD?

DEAR AM I: No. If the only thing that attracted you about every man you met was his teeth, you might have a tooth fetish. But because it's only this one set of choppers that turn you on, I wouldn't call that a fetish.
Stina

Ronkonkoma, NY

#2 Jul 5, 2013
LW1: Why do you feel the need to tell them (or anyone else, for that matter), at all? I am not a fan of IVF at all, but it's your business and your business alone. The kids are alive and well. That's all that matters. How much you paid for them to be born irrelevant.

LW2: Holy cow, you need help. You just love the drama. Get in to therapy NOW. If you don' get past this, you are going to become a bunny boiler.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Jul 5, 2013
LW1. Unless you are also prepared to tell them they could have been conceived the night you and Daddy did it doggy style,, don't tell them unless you hear that the girls themselves are having ovarian or fertility issues.

FWIW, the best little kid explanation I have heard was that the doctor helped.

LW2. So this is what it looks like from the stalkers perspective.

L3 A tooth fetish?
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 Jul 5, 2013
LW1 - I'd have to disagree with Stina and PEllen. Because the children have different genetics from their father (they were conceived using a sperm donor), they might need to know for medical reasons. They may also (accidentally - surgical treatment, blood donation, etc.) find out that they are not biologically related to their dad. Will they wonder if their mother cheated on their father? Will they wonder if they were adopted and not told? In the future, they may need to undergo genetic counseling if they choose to have kids, so they will need accurate information about their genetic background.

I'd say the kids will need to be told, but I am not sure that the "dialogue" needs to start when they are 4 years old. Or maybe it does. I'd suggest that discussion be treated exactly with the same strategies as the discussion of adoption. As for privacy issues, the parents need not tell anyone else, just like they would not need to tell anyone else if their children were adopted. And if "the word spreads," so what? Most people probably wouldn't consider it a matter for discussion anyway.

LW2 - Get out of this relationship. Stop pursuing it. Get therapy. You miss the incredible highs and lows of your relationship. You certainly do love your drama, and you seem to be a prime candidate for being in an abusive, possessive relationship. That is not good whether you are the victim or the perpetrator in such a relationship. Get help before somebody gets hurt.

LW3 - Yes, you have a tooth fetish. Now what?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#5 Jul 5, 2013
I never thought about it before now, but I suppose the tooth fairy might have some type of tooth fetish. Makes sense, right?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Jul 5, 2013
Cass wrote:
LW1 - I'd have to disagree with Stina and PEllen. Because the children have different genetics from their father (they were conceived using a sperm donor), they might need to know for medical reasons. They may also (accidentally - surgical treatment, blood donation, etc.) find out that they are not biologically related to their dad. Will they wonder if their mother cheated on their father? Will they wonder if they were adopted and not told? In the future, they may need to undergo genetic counseling if they choose to have kids, so they will need accurate information about their genetic background.
I'd say the kids will need to be told, but I am not sure that the "dialogue" needs to start when they are 4 years old. Or maybe it does. I'd suggest that discussion be treated exactly with the same strategies as the discussion of adoption. As for privacy issues, the parents need not tell anyone else, just like they would not need to tell anyone else if their children were adopted. And if "the word spreads," so what? Most people probably wouldn't consider it a matter for discussion anyway.
LW2 - Get out of this relationship. Stop pursuing it. Get therapy. You miss the incredible highs and lows of your relationship. You certainly do love your drama, and you seem to be a prime candidate for being in an abusive, possessive relationship. That is not good whether you are the victim or the perpetrator in such a relationship. Get help before somebody gets hurt.
LW3 - Yes, you have a tooth fetish. Now what?
I missed the part about the sperm donor.
When a dad has a low count, don't they mix 2 sperm sources together, the donor and the dad to get an acceptable concentration and leave the possibility the dad is the father?
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#7 Jul 5, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
I missed the part about the sperm donor.
When a dad has a low count, don't they mix 2 sperm sources together, the donor and the dad to get an acceptable concentration and leave the possibility the dad is the father?
I have no idea. Maybe some testing is worth it. Or will be worth it if the kids need genetic counseling in the future. I remember being asked all kinds of questions about ancestry, birth defects in the family on both sides, etc. for both of my pregnancies. I don't know if it's done on a regular basis for all pregnant women or only for older ones. I had my babies "late" (at ages 35 and 40).

Since: May 13

Monterey, CA

#8 Jul 5, 2013
LW1: Sperm donors are usually screened for lack of genetic defects. It is highly unlikely that there'll be a need for family medical history. I'm with PEllen. If the parents feel the need to start the discussion while the kids are small, "the doctor helped" is a good start. The more detailed discussion can take place when the kids are old enough to understand the biology of conception, say 7th or 8th grade. If the parents discuss this very matter-of-factly and don't treat it like a dark secret, the kids will shrug and go on as usual.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Jul 5, 2013
Cass wrote:
They may also (accidentally - surgical treatment, blood donation, etc.) find out that they are not biologically related to their dad.
??? How would they accidentally find out? I've had surgery. I don't recall them getting a court order obtain a sample of my dad's DNA to compare with mine. Unless there is some specific reason why you need some of dad's biological material and dad volunteers it, I don't see any possibility that this is accidentally discovered. And should the occasion arise where dad does need to volunteer his genetic material, then mom and dad can cross that bridge at that point.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Jul 5, 2013
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
I have no idea. Maybe some testing is worth it. Or will be worth it if the kids need genetic counseling in the future. I remember being asked all kinds of questions about ancestry, birth defects in the family on both sides, etc. for both of my pregnancies. I don't know if it's done on a regular basis for all pregnant women or only for older ones. I had my babies "late" (at ages 35 and 40).
We were asked the same types of questions. I had to call my mom to try to fill in a family medical history. Basically they are trying to see if there is any condition prevalent in your family. Considering that no one is required to share their medical history with you, it would not be far fetched to think that people in your family history have had conditions that you never knew about and therefore can't include on that questionnaire. ie: If you don't know the medical history of your sperm donor, its not gonna be a big deal.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#11 Jul 5, 2013
LW2: You sound like a drama-addicted, violent loon. Your boyfriend is well rid of you.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 Jul 5, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
??? How would they accidentally find out? I've had surgery. I don't recall them getting a court order obtain a sample of my dad's DNA to compare with mine. Unless there is some specific reason why you need some of dad's biological material and dad volunteers it, I don't see any possibility that this is accidentally discovered. And should the occasion arise where dad does need to volunteer his genetic material, then mom and dad can cross that bridge at that point.
This is at the limits of what I remember from biology so feel free to correct me.

Some traits are dominant meaning they manifest in a person even if only one parent has that trait and some traits are recessive.

If a trait is recessive in one parent and the other parent has the same recessive trait, there is a 25% chance the offspring will manifest it. Blue eyes are the example I recall.

However, if only one parent has the recessive trait and the offspring manifests it ( i.e. baby has blue eyes), then you question whether the putative parents are the genetic parents, also known as "who's your daddy, really?".

As I recall, before DNA testing, this formula was used by comparing blood types of the mother and the kid to exclude or include a given father.

Where blood tests may still be relevant, and medically important, is when one of the 3 is Rh negative.

Now I am going out into the back yard to tend my pea plants and shoo away the fruit flies.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#13 Jul 5, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
This is at the limits of what I remember from biology so feel free to correct me.
Some traits are dominant meaning they manifest in a person even if only one parent has that trait and some traits are recessive.
If a trait is recessive in one parent and the other parent has the same recessive trait, there is a 25% chance the offspring will manifest it. Blue eyes are the example I recall.
However, if only one parent has the recessive trait and the offspring manifests it ( i.e. baby has blue eyes), then you question whether the putative parents are the genetic parents, also known as "who's your daddy, really?".
As I recall, before DNA testing, this formula was used by comparing blood types of the mother and the kid to exclude or include a given father.
Where blood tests may still be relevant, and medically important, is when one of the 3 is Rh negative.
Now I am going out into the back yard to tend my pea plants and shoo away the fruit flies.
Blue eyes are a dominant gene. Just saying...

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Jul 5, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
Blue eyes are a dominant gene. Just saying...
The Great God Google, substrate Wiki says otherwise.... Its a red herring though because the issue was blood tests ; eye color was my example and I haven't studied this stuff literally since 1964

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#15 Jul 5, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>

Now I am going out into the back yard to tend my pea plants and shoo away the fruit flies.
Pea plants...Gregor Mendel...genetics...punnets square, recessive and dominant genes... <3 science.

http://scienceprimer.com/punnett-square-calcu...

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#16 Jul 5, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>The Great God Google, substrate Wiki says otherwise.... Its a red herring though because the issue was blood tests ; eye color was my example and I haven't studied this stuff literally since 1964
Yeah the thing about the blue eye recessive thing is wrong though. At least according to all my bio professors. <shrug> I don't do genetics anyway so it doesn't matter. I think I'll double check though, just to make sure I'm not giving wrong info.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#17 Jul 5, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
??? How would they accidentally find out? I've had surgery. I don't recall them getting a court order obtain a sample of my dad's DNA to compare with mine. Unless there is some specific reason why you need some of dad's biological material and dad volunteers it, I don't see any possibility that this is accidentally discovered. And should the occasion arise where dad does need to volunteer his genetic material, then mom and dad can cross that bridge at that point.
I was thinking of the blood type, which may be a type unlikely to occur in an offspring of two people with particular blood types. Of course, blood types are complicated, but there are certain combinations that are just impossible.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#18 Jul 5, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>We were asked the same types of questions. I had to call my mom to try to fill in a family medical history. Basically they are trying to see if there is any condition prevalent in your family. Considering that no one is required to share their medical history with you, it would not be far fetched to think that people in your family history have had conditions that you never knew about and therefore can't include on that questionnaire. ie: If you don't know the medical history of your sperm donor, its not gonna be a big deal.
Well, I sort of agree with you, and sort of don't. Agree because I think it's rare that it matters. Disagree because I know a family who had a baby with Tay Sachs. They did not know that they both could possibly be carriers, so they didn't do prenatal testing. They didn't know because one of them was not a biological child of the father, but the parents chose not to disclose this info to their child. It came out only when the couple had Of course, I am pretty sure that such occurrences are so rare as to border on bizarre.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#19 Jul 5, 2013
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
I was thinking of the blood type, which may be a type unlikely to occur in an offspring of two people with particular blood types. Of course, blood types are complicated, but there are certain combinations that are just impossible.
That does not change my question. That would still be information that the child would need to get from dad with dad's cooperation. You wouldn't accidentally discover dad's blood type, and therefore mom and dad could deal with it at that point.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#20 Jul 5, 2013
They just use the term in-vitro to make it sound Latin to most people.
They should have thought of this before.
I just frown on the whole thing. I think some of those people get victimized by modern medicine.
I don't know why.

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