Abby 1.22.14

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#1 Jan 22, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I am a 53-year-old male who is fit, healthy and has a good job. I also have two failed marriages behind me, which have cost me dearly, both emotionally and financially. I have no intention of making that mistake again! I have been on my own for five years, and in that time I have had five relationships -- always with women my age (give or take a few years).

My problem is that women my age seem to have only one agenda: marriage. One very nice lady finally clarified her feelings by saying that at this time in her life, she didn't have time for "just dating" because in a few years she'd be 60.

I understand her dilemma, but I'm not interested in younger women. I try hard to make it clear at the beginning of any relationship that marriage is out of the question, and I don't proceed with the relationship unless the lady wholeheartedly agrees. But somehow I have broken five good hearts, whose only transgression was falling in love with me.-- NOBODY'S RETIREMENT HUSBAND

DEAR N.R.H.: I admire your self-image. You must be doing something right to have the ladies lining up the way they are. However, you may not be as effective a communicator as you think you are if five different women failed to get the message you said you convey. I have several thoughts about your predicament:

If your only fear of marriage is that you would again be cleaned out financially, a strong prenuptial agreement could help you avoid any problem if a third marriage didn't work. However, if variety is what you prefer, then you should restate your message every few months as these relationships blossom.(Or you could move to a monastery and stop dangling yourself in the dating pool.)

DEAR ABBY: Once a year I type my ZIP code into a website to see who the registered sex offenders are in my area so I can be better informed and protect myself and my family. A photo, address and the charges attributed to the offender are posted on the site. My jaw dropped to the floor when I saw a man listed that I work with and see quite often. The picture looked recent.

I haven't said anything to him. I have known this person for five years and thought he was a good guy who respected women. I'd like to think it was a one-time mistake and that he would never do it again. But would he?

Should I tell my teenage daughter who sometimes visits me in the office? Should I tell the other women who work here? If a co-worker knew this kind of information and showed it to me, I'd be grateful to know. What do you think I should do?-- STUNNED IN THE CITY

DEAR STUNNED: Tell your daughter to keep her distance from this co-worker. But before you drop this bombshell at the office, you should first discuss what you have learned with your employer.

DEAR ABBY: I hope you can help with this etiquette question. My son and his wife believe that when you finish a good meal, you toss your napkin on the now-empty plate. They say this sends a message that the food was great.

I do not agree. Is placing a grubby napkin on the plate inappropriate behavior or is this legit?-- NOT A NAPKIN-TOSSING DAD

DEAR DAD: Your son and his wife need to re-read the chapter on table manners in their etiquette book. When a meal is finished and the plate is empty, diners should place their used napkins on the table beside their dessert plate. It should not be placed on top of a dirty plate.

P.S. If they don't own an etiquette book, it appears they could use one.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#2 Jan 22, 2014
LW1: It bet it's hard being so awesome, Mr. Heartbreaker!

If from the start you’ve made it clear that marriage is off the table, I’m not sure what the problem is. Maybe try dating women who are financially secure, such that they don’t need your $$.

LW2: Talk to HR and your daughter.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jan 22, 2014
1 I can see why you wont get married again. You're in love with yourself.

2 It's a soiled napkin, who cares where you put it?

3 MYOB, If he is doing his job then leave him alone.
Blunt Advice

Plainfield, NJ

#4 Jan 22, 2014
1. Its too bad they don't make blow up dolls with life like unmentionables because you only want women for thieir bodies not their minds.
2. Why is he on the list? That would determine how dangerous he is. If his crime was being an 18 year old who had sex with 17 year old girlfriend and her parents had him arrested, or if he was drunk at a party and flashed someone and they got all bent out of shape and pressed charges, then he is probably harmless. If he ever molested a child or a rapist then he is a danger and needs to be watched.
3. Throwing spit and food covered napkin on plate is gross. Why not just throw it out?
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#5 Jan 22, 2014
RACE wrote:
2 It's a soiled napkin, who cares where you put it?
.
2: I will preface my remark here by admitting I'm no expert on etiquette. Here's my two cents worth: I would not place even a used/soiled cloth napkin on a dirty plate simply because it could end up with even more food debris on it that could stain the napkin. Why make doing laundry harder than it needs to be? Not everyone "cleans" his plate completely by eating every last morsel of food and wiping off every last drop of gravy or sauce with bread. Often there's bits of this or that left on the plate. Now if we're talking PAPER napkins, I don't care where it's left - table or plate - as long as it's not dropped in a platter/bowl of leftovers that would otherwise be ok to eat at another time.
Blunt Advice

Plainfield, NJ

#6 Jan 22, 2014
I just thought of something from long ago. In my college days I dated a guy whose family, instead of paper napkins, or even washable ones, used a single dishrag at the dinner table. They called it the community towel. When someone needed it they would say "community" to have it passed. Positively gross. The next time I went I brought a package of napkins with me. Needless to say this family's wierdness didn't end with the dinner rag. Nice enough people, but man were they strange.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Jan 22, 2014
LW1: I don't think you're being as clear as you think you are. But there have to women out there that don't want to be married and still be in a long-term relationship. Have fun looking.

LW2: <sigh>Another LW who left out the most important effing part of the story! Why is he on the list? If it's for public urination then there's no need to get your panties in a twist. If it's for something more serious, then perhaps the twisting is merited.

But really, WTF do you think this man is going to do to your daughter on the few times that she's in the office? Not really a good place to drag someone into the loo and r*pe them.

LW3: If the napkin is really a paper towel, then why are you so concerned, other than your sense of etiquette being offended? However, if it's your good linen napkins that your greatgrandma brought over from Ireland, then yeah, tell them the only places those napkins go are in a lap or on the table.
Former Lurker

Chicago, IL

#8 Jan 22, 2014
ltr 1 Halfway through the Secret Garden (an amazing Korean drama) the main character says "No woman wants to begin a love knowing how it will end" just before walking away from her suitor. I think that's about right. While I know most romances won't result in a marriage, its a turn off to know THIS relationship won't because that is what is promised. It's too rigid for me and, I think, for most people.

ltr 2I've had to throw away napkins with stains that don't go away. Don't make your mom's laundry harder than it has to be.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#9 Jan 22, 2014
I was talking about in a restaurant, not a home. It's not like I am suggesting wiping the plate with the napkin, or grinding it into the left over pasta sauce or gravy, just lightly tossed (tented) on the plate. Not seeing grossness.
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
2: I will preface my remark here by admitting I'm no expert on etiquette. Here's my two cents worth: I would not place even a used/soiled cloth napkin on a dirty plate simply because it could end up with even more food debris on it that could stain the napkin. Why make doing laundry harder than it needs to be? Not everyone "cleans" his plate completely by eating every last morsel of food and wiping off every last drop of gravy or sauce with bread. Often there's bits of this or that left on the plate. Now if we're talking PAPER napkins, I don't care where it's left - table or plate - as long as it's not dropped in a platter/bowl of leftovers that would otherwise be ok to eat at another time.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Jan 22, 2014
L1: You need to be more clear but also remember that people do change their minds. Maybe you're such a hot guy with a great personality that suddenly woman who thought they'd never marry, want to. I'd try being more clear about it though, and bring up that subject now and again to reinforce your wishes.
L2: Do NOT tell your employer. You have no idea what the circumstances were. As for your daugher, perhaps you should find out what the circumstances were (most arrest records and court records are public documents) and then decide what to do after you have that information.
L3: Many things are on the list of world problems, this isn't one of them.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Jan 22, 2014
Blunt Advice wrote:
1. Its too bad they don't make blow up dolls with life like unmentionables because you only want women for thieir bodies not their minds.
Why do you assume this? The guy went through the wringer twice already. He says he just doesn't want to get married again. Maybe he is fine with everything else ... living together, etc, but just doesn't want to get married again. That doesn't sound to me like he only wants women for their bodies not their minds. What does their minds have to do with marriage?
Blunt Advice

Cedar Knolls, NJ

#12 Jan 22, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Why do you assume this? The guy went through the wringer twice already. He says he just doesn't want to get married again. Maybe he is fine with everything else ... living together, etc, but just doesn't want to get married again. That doesn't sound to me like he only wants women for their bodies not their minds. What does their minds have to do with marriage?
5 breakups in 5 years seems to me to show a fear of commitment. The blow up doll comparison is exaggerating, but this guy wants bootie calls as opposed to relationships. I guess we need to know why he got divorced twice.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13 Jan 22, 2014
Blunt Advice wrote:
<quoted text>
5 breakups in 5 years seems to me to show a fear of commitment. The blow up doll comparison is exaggerating, but this guy wants bootie calls as opposed to relationships. I guess we need to know why he got divorced twice.
If by commitment, you mean marriage, there is no “seems” about it, because well yeah, he’s admitted that he doesn’t want that level of commitment.

I do feel it would be helpful for purposes of advice to know what level of commitment he is comfortable with … I think he may have a hard time finding someone who just wants the occasional night on the town with him, if he is unwilling to work towards living together.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#14 Jan 22, 2014
Blunt Advice wrote:
I just thought of something from long ago. In my college days I dated a guy whose family, instead of paper napkins, or even washable ones, used a single dishrag at the dinner table. They called it the community towel. When someone needed it they would say "community" to have it passed. Positively gross. The next time I went I brought a package of napkins with me. Needless to say this family's wierdness didn't end with the dinner rag. Nice enough people, but man were they strange.
I missed this. That's so funny! It sounds like something out of a Seinfeld episode.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#15 Jan 22, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: It bet it's hard being so awesome, Mr. Heartbreaker!
If from the start you’ve made it clear that marriage is off the table, I’m not sure what the problem is. Maybe try dating women who are financially secure, such that they don’t need your $$.
Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner! I can't believe LW couldn't figure this out on his own. Date financially secure women, duh. But then, hey might not want to marry you.

To the heartbreak problem, any woman of a certain age can certainly get over a heartbreak or two.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#16 Jan 22, 2014
LW2: I wouldn't say anything to my employer and I probably would not tell my daughter, either, but it would greatly depend on the particulars. It is just not a good idea to stir up trouble in the office, and I think it's a fairly safe bet that this individual will not prey on your daughter. He is probably very grateful to have a good job.
Blunt Advice

Oakland, NJ

#17 Jan 22, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
If by commitment, you mean marriage, there is no “seems” about it, because well yeah, he’s admitted that he doesn’t want that level of commitment.
I do feel it would be helpful for purposes of advice to know what level of commitment he is comfortable with … I think he may have a hard time finding someone who just wants the occasional night on the town with him, if he is unwilling to work towards living together.
When I entered my first comment, I guess I was thinking about some guys I know, one being a guy I dated, who were total skirt chasers. Can't stay in a relationship because they always end up having their eye on someone else. They think with their (boy pp parts). Like Charlie Sheens character on 2 1/2 Men. This LW reeks to me of that. Looking for lust in all the wrong places. There have to be middle aged women out there who just want to date or play the field. Maybe on one of those dating websites?(I've been married 25 years and have long forgotten how to operate in the dating pool, and hope to never have to find out!)

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#18 Jan 23, 2014
I did not get that vibe at all. He wants to date women his age, a skirt chaser would be looking to date younger women, because its all part of the conquest.
The only thing I can see is that he did not quantify how much committment he is looking for, only that he is not looking for marriage, so that leaves a lot of room.
Blunt Advice wrote:
<quoted text>
When I entered my first comment, I guess I was thinking about some guys I know, one being a guy I dated, who were total skirt chasers. Can't stay in a relationship because they always end up having their eye on someone else. They think with their (boy pp parts). Like Charlie Sheens character on 2 1/2 Men. This LW reeks to me of that. Looking for lust in all the wrong places. There have to be middle aged women out there who just want to date or play the field. Maybe on one of those dating websites?(I've been married 25 years and have long forgotten how to operate in the dating pool, and hope to never have to find out!)
Former Lurker

Chicago, IL

#19 Jan 23, 2014
Re yesterday's comment.
In book 17 of the Iliad Hera seduces Zeus to turn the advantage of the war from Troy to Greece. Once Zeus woke up, he turned the tide of the war back toward Troy and threatened to hang Hera from Mount Olympus by her ankles.

Now--THAT is racy, off-topic, and mean.

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