Ask A' y 11-24
Posted in the Chicago Forum
Since: Jun 09
#1 Nov 24, 2012
My husband and I read you column aloud every morning, ponder what you might say and often reply exactly as you would.
Now we have a question for you. This involves someone I would have characterized as a closer friend until this year. She relocated to another city many years ago. I've happily visited her and we've traveled together as well.
I had a serious health scare this summer and let her know of it when she wrote suggesting a possible visit with us. When she comes to town to care for her aging parents, she sometimes stays overnight at our house.
For five months she continued sending us proposed dates when she would be in the area, never including a word of response to any news from me concerning my health. Finally, I let her partner know my concern about her lack of response. Her partner had been very supportive about my surgeries.
My inquiry prompted the friend to send me a vague letter about how she had missed the news about me, can't go back or undo, but can only go forward. No word of caring about the health episode, yet providing the dates she'll next be here. My husband thinks she is lying. She has a history of not keeping up her end of things, yet never to this extreme.
I'm well now; the parade of sad, mad and ugh has passed. Do I reply or remain silent and let her figure out that I'm through with this friendship? I'd like to express a clear view, kindly, from the high road, even though she has not.
— Fan of the Golden Rule
Dear Fan: You had to go and bring the golden rule into this. And so you can also use this rule to calculate your own best answer.
Treat your friend as you would like to be treated — with honesty, compassion and understanding. Her lack of concern may seem strange, but I find it is surprisingly common. In my experience, people who respond well to a health crisis have a sort of perfect pitch for calamity. The rest of us freak out and run to our corners, and then try to cover up for our own inadequacy by acting vague and quickly trying to change the subject. This behavior is not right. It's not fair. But can you forgive her for this major failing?
You're through with the sad, mad and ugh part of your illness. You cannot use silence and inattention to convey your message (that's her trick). If you don't want this friendship to continue, you'll have to be honest with her about the reason.
Dear A': I enjoy your column and I agree with most of your advice. However, as an OB-GYN, I take issue with your advice to "David in California" regarding his daughter's excessive weight gain. You stated "she could also be using birth control, which might cause some weight gain." The vast majority of birth control does not cause weight gain, the exception being the Depo Provera shot. Even that has been shown to cause 10-15 pounds, not 70.
Studies on thousands of women on the pill show they do not gain more weight than their counterparts. Most women gain some weight over time, but women on the pill tend to blame it on the pill, which is why this myth perpetuates.
I spend a lot of my clinic time dispelling the myth of weight gain and contraceptives. My counseling includes: "What really causes weight gain is an unplanned pregnancy." This puts it into perspective.
— OB in Washington
Dear OB: I was trying to encourage this father to explore and discuss possible medical or physical reasons for weight gain. Thank you for clarifying that birth control would not be the reason.
Dear A': "Tired" didn't like the fact that her son's fiancee didn't jump up to help with the dishes at a family meal. In my family, this would have been thought very intrusive and rude. This young woman simply might have been raised differently. This mother should get to know her future daughter-in-law.
Dear Polite: I agree. Thank you.
#2 Nov 24, 2012
1: If you're truly through with the friendship, then stay quiet until/unless SHE makes contact, then tell the truth.
I had a close friend (I was a bridesmaid) but she never answered the phone when I called weekly. I was very honest about how I felt about it and she gave some mamby pamby excuse. So I stopped calling.
I haven't heard from her in over a year...her loss.
2: I usually hate these but thanks for this. People find the same lame excuse when they want to ignore the obvious.
3: Or we can stop imposing our way of living onto others and seeking offenses when they don't act exactly the way we do.
So she didn't rush into your kitchen; that doesn't make her a horrible person. Get over it.
#3 Nov 24, 2012
At first, i thought LW1 had stolen that joke i referced in the "Fake Letter Alert". But this could be a real letter....
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