“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Apr 11, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I were discussing our sons-in-law, and young men in their 20s and 30s in general. We were wondering where the attitude of "any money I earn is mine" in a marriage or live-in situation got started.

For the first few years of my daughter and her husband "Joe's" marriage, Joe resented giving her any of the money he earned. My other daughter's husband thinks nothing of spending money on himself and his friends without consulting her.

We have seen this attitude reflected in their friends as well. They don't seem to discuss with each other how each is spending their "joint" income. There seems to be an element of selfishness, too.

My wife and I have been married 40 years and from the beginning I have always considered what each of us earned was OURS, not mine or hers (when she worked). We always discuss any significant purchases, and I have always believed it was my responsibility to support my family. I realize the current economic situation has made that difficult, but the attitude should still be there.-- WONDERING IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WONDERING: You have raised an interesting subject. There is a difference between living together and being married because of our legal system. Because people who co-habit without benefit of marriage are considered individuals in the eyes of the law, it is probably prudent to keep their financial affairs separate. However, each person should contribute to the expenses they share.

In a marriage, the situation is different: The law assumes that the man and wife are one unit. This is the mindset you adopted when you and your wife were married.

There is a tendency among young couples, not only because of the high divorce rate, but also what they have been exposed to in the media from the time they were born, to view marriage as something that might not last. There is also a sense of entitlement among many -- NOT ALL -- that makes them centered on themselves. We have become a society in which disposability has spread from material possessions to relationships.

I would LOVE to hear what my readers'-- particularly my younger readers'-- views are regarding this.

DEAR ABBY: We are fortunate to have great friends and relatives who invite us to their homes for parties, celebrations, overnight stays, etc. often. The problem is, their houses are cluttered and dirty. We see spilled food in the refrigerator, showers caked with grime and years of stains on upholstery.

Money and time are not issues for these folks. If this was a hotel or restaurant, we would leave immediately. My husband and I have been unnerved by the conditions in these houses. We would like to spend time with these people and don't wish to offend. Subtle hints don't help. We try our best to enjoy their company and ignore the rest, but it can be difficult. What can we do, Abby?-- NEAT IN NEW YORK

DEAR NEAT: When you go to visit, stay in a nearby hotel or motel. If you know food will be served, fortify yourself beforehand and eat as little as possible without being rude. If you're afraid you might soil your clothing sitting on their furniture, leave anything that isn't washable at home.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Apr 11, 2014
1- What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine

2- Well duh
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#3 Apr 11, 2014
1: Their age is in the sweet spot of narcissism. You and your wife actually approached marriage as a team; a unit who will say together. These millelials think of themselves and self-protect....no wonder they will divorce quicker.

2: Parties? Sure.
Celebrations? Fine.
Overnight? Heck naw.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Apr 11, 2014
cheluzal wrote:
1: Their age is in the sweet spot of narcissism. You and your wife actually approached marriage as a team; a unit who will say together. These millelials think of themselves and self-protect....no wonder they will divorce quicker.
2: Parties? Sure.
Celebrations? Fine.
Overnight? Heck naw.
Shouldn't you be in school?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#5 Apr 11, 2014
LW1: I think a lot of it depends on how your parents were. I donít have that mentality and Iím in my 30s.

LW2: If it is a total pig sty, I can understand, but I have a feeling this person is very picky. Sheís probably the type who goes by and wipes furniture with her hand to see if itís been dusted when she visits someoneís house, especially since she claims that multiple people she knows are like this. I donít know anyone like that.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Apr 11, 2014
LW1: People (especially women) are encouraged to be financially indendent, in case something happens and they need to take care of themselves. This should not be that surprising to you.

Oh, and you don't have the only right way about how to run a marriage, so knock of the judgement.

LW2: Either get a hotel, live with it, or bring your own linens/towels/sheet to cover the stained furniture and flip-flops for the bathroom.

And maybe these folks have better things to spend their money on, like retirement savings or putting a kid through college or helping a parent in retirement. You only *think* you know that "Money and time are not issues for these folks."

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#7 Apr 11, 2014
squishymama wrote:
And maybe these folks have better things to spend their money on, like retirement savings or putting a kid through college or helping a parent in retirement. You only *think* you know that "Money and time are not issues for these folks."
It doesn't take much money to be clean. You can still get Ajaz for about $1 and Spot Removers or about $5.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#8 Apr 11, 2014
Ajax

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Apr 11, 2014
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
It doesn't take much money to be clean. You can still get Ajaz for about $1 and Spot Removers or about $5.
I should have been more clear in my response; I was referring more to the stained furniture.

A gross bathroom would almost certainly be a deal-breaker for me.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Apr 11, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: I think a lot of it depends on how your parents were. I donít have that mentality and Iím in my 30s.
LW2: If it is a total pig sty, I can understand, but I have a feelingi this person is very picky. Sheís probably the type who goes by and wipes furniture with her hand to see if itís been dusted when she visits someoneís house, especially since she claims that multiple people she knows are like this. I donít know anyone like that.
lw1: i don't think its generational either. Some couples just don't subscribe to the pooled accounts methodology. Many couples have a joint account they each contribute to for shared expenses, but otherwise maintain seperate accounts and finances. There is nothing wrong with that. If your daughter has a problem, it is something she should have discussed before getting married. If she does nit, then there is no problem. Either way, nunya.

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#11 Apr 11, 2014
1. These women are obviously choosing the wrong partner if they haven't discussed, before marrying them, how finances will be handled. Personally, what's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine.

2. Gross, stay at a hotel and go OUT for dinners. Problem solved. Surely you can't be so without mental resources not to have figured that out for yourself. You just wanted EVERYONE to know that your friends are pigs. Thanks and what does that say about you??

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Apr 11, 2014
L1: "For the first few years of my daughter and her husband "Joe's" marriage, Joe resented giving her any of the money he earned. My other daughter's husband thinks nothing of spending money on himself and his friends without consulting her."

How do you know this? Stay out of your kids' marriages and relationships. If they are complaining to you, tell your kids to sit down and talk with their SO. Each couple needs to have whatever works for them.

L2: Stay at a hotel. I have a difficult time believing ALL your friends are this way.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#13 Apr 11, 2014
1 If it works for them MYOB

2 A stain does not impede the functionality of a piece of furniture. If it bothers you that much, buy them a new couch.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#14 Apr 12, 2014
Team Toj with a side of Team RACE.

Glance into the future for LW1. When LW1 went to the hospital,
(a) LW1 overheard Joe saying, "I'm not buying that busybody an expensive suite in an assisted care facility."
(b) LW1 was told by the daughter, "I'll have to keep working, so I
can't be your care giver. Does sis know somebody who can stay with
you during rehab?"
(c) found out that those adult children couldn't contribute to the hospital
bill.
or
(d) other
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#15 Apr 12, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Shouldn't you be in school?
You mean work....
Now that I'm the ripe old age of 37, I fell asleep before 830 on the couch and awoke at 1230. Fell back to sleep around 1 and woke earlier than alarm, at 7.

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