Amy 9-9

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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Sep 9, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: When I was 33, I discovered that the father who raised me is not my biological dad.

I found my biological dad, "Daniel," and started an infrequent correspondence. He gave me a biography of his life, but showed no interest in my life or in answering questions I had regarding his relationship with my mom.

He was not interested in meeting, and I ceased contact.

Fast forward 15 years. With the advent of Facebook I found my entire biological family: Daniel, his wife, his other children, their spouses and kids.

I reached out to him again. He seemed genuinely happy to hear from me until he realized how much information I had gathered about his family on Facebook, specifically that his daughter is only four months younger than me. Awkward, right? Turns out he had two women pregnant at the same time.

He told me from the beginning that his wife and children know about me but I am not convinced. He threatened me with legal action should I contact his grown children (he has no legal grounds).

Should I contact my half siblings in the hope that we could cultivate a friendship, or should I assume that they do know the truth and are not interested in a relationship with me? If I do contact them, what would be the best manner -- by letter, email or phone?-- Missing a Link

DEAR MISSING: You should not assume your half siblings know about you. Contacting them could be very upsetting and challenging for all of them -- and for you.

You should keep your expectations extremely realistic. You will be lobbing a grenade into their lives and they will need (and deserve) time to react and adjust. If your father continues to be hostile toward you, your siblings will likely follow suit.

Email gives you confirmation that they have opened your communication, and gives them time to read, reread and react on their own terms.

DEAR AMY: My wife of 15 years and I split amicably nine years ago when she embarked on a new career with an all-consuming passion that displaced our marriage.

I am now in a relationship with a woman. Upon hearing of my new relationship, my ex made some critical comments about her. To demonstrate my commitment to my new love, I have not spoken to my ex for two years, and she has not apologized.

I do miss talking to her occasionally and sharing memories of our years together. Maintaining zero contact forever seems a bit much. Is it wrong to ask my girlfriend to accept some occasional contact or am I wanting to have my cake and eat it too?-- Looking for middle-ground

DEAR MIDDLE GROUND: If you want to call a truce on your silent war, you don't need to run this past your girlfriend; you just convey to your ex, "I think I overreacted a couple of years ago and feel bad about that." However, if you want to revive an active friendship with your ex and your girlfriend wants to veto this, are you willing to accept it? And if you are in a serious, exclusive relationship, why would you want to maintain a friendship with someone who disrespects her? And are your old times really so awesome that you need to rehash them?

I think it's great to be fond of (and on good terms with) your ex. But this is by definition a challenging relationship for your current partner to accept, so don't be surprised if she isn't eager to see you have a second helping of cake.

DEAR AMY: Here's my answer to "Don't Like Being Lazy," who struggles to find the energy to do any task.

Life is hard by the yard, but by the inch, it's a cinch. Too many people are unable to find jobs and haven't a place to lay down their heads. I would suggest that anyone not "enjoying" their job/career/work take another look and make a decision to put one foot in front of the other and get "the job" done.-- Worker

DEAR WORKER: "Lazy" is getting the job done but is looking for answers on how to enjoy the effort.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Sep 9, 2013
 

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1 Just throw it on their wall or whatever.

2 Yes you do want to double dip your candle in two cakes at once. besides after 2 yrs, she's over you.

3 but by the inch, it's a cinch. Lamest saying EVER!
Not even that cricket in Walt Disney would say something that stupid.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#3
Sep 9, 2013
 

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L1: The LW's bio father doesn't sound like much of a prize. He probably has smoke and mirrors up that make his other bio children think he's Mr. Wonderful and doesn't want that broken. If the LW contacts her half-siblings, there most likely will be conflicts at least with her bio-dad. If the LW is ready for drama, email the sibs.

L2: Give it up. The LW sounds like he still has a major crush on his first wife. He should leave it alone.

L3: I say if it's that bad, do your job so you have one and look for another on the side.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#4
Sep 9, 2013
 

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1. Get over your feelings that you will ever have a relationship with your ass hat biological father and embrace your true family.

2. Get over your feeling that you owe your ex anything. If she dissed your current lady love, she's an ass hat that deserves no contact.

3. Lazy people irritate me. Go away!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#5
Sep 9, 2013
 

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Lw1: He's made it clear that he does not want a relationship with you. Move on. What do you hope to gain by disrupting his life?

Question to the gallery: If you were in your 30's, abs discovered yoy had an illegutimate half brother, would you feel any compulsion to form a relationship with them? I don't think I would. I would not have anything against it, but i can't see myself goung out if my way to force a relationship that didn't begin and grow organically.

This lw seems to be hopong for a hero's welcome from siblings that have never met him and may not know he exists.

Lw2: i can't imagine being as concerned as this guy. Ex-wife is ouuta your life? Great!

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#6
Sep 9, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw1: He's made it clear that he does not want a relationship with you. Move on. What do you hope to gain by disrupting his life?
Question to the gallery: If you were in your 30's, abs discovered yoy had an illegutimate half brother, would you feel any compulsion to form a relationship with them? I don't think I would. I would not have anything against it, but i can't see myself goung out if my way to force a relationship that didn't begin and grow organically.
This lw seems to be hopong for a hero's welcome from siblings that have never met him and may not know he exists.
Lw2: i can't imagine being as concerned as this guy. Ex-wife is ouuta your life? Great!
Yes, I would but I would not force it.

Interestingly, I have 2 nieces who are adopted. One wanted to find her bio family and the other had no interest whatsoever. Parents were very supportive of both -- whatever they wanted to do (they were over 18) and would help in any way. Both grew up in the same happy home. It's purely a personality thing, I believe.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#7
Sep 9, 2013
 

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1- Leave him and his family alone!

Since: Oct 09

Wagner, SD

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#8
Sep 9, 2013
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw1: He's made it clear that he does not want a relationship with you. Move on. What do you hope to gain by disrupting his life?
Question to the gallery: If you were in your 30's, abs discovered yoy had an illegutimate half brother, would you feel any compulsion to form a relationship with them? I don't think I would. I would not have anything against it, but i can't see myself goung out if my way to force a relationship that didn't begin and grow organically.
This lw seems to be hopong for a hero's welcome from siblings that have never met him and may not know he exists.
Lw2: i can't imagine being as concerned as this guy. Ex-wife is ouuta your life? Great!
Speaking for myself and as an only child who always badly wanted blood siblings (I have stepsiblings, but it really isn't the same), I would definitely want to establish a relationship if I discovered I had a half sibling(s). It's always stuck in my craw that I had to grow up an only child, that I never had siblings. Now, I know that most people who do have siblings (which, frankly, is most people I know, I don't know too many onlies; hubby himself has five siblings) don't entirely understand that and if I had a nickel for every time someone has jokingly (or even seriously) told me they wish that they, too, were an only child, I'd be on easy street for the next ninety years.

But I hated it and still hate it and I especially hate it now that there are health and financial issues with my parents and stepparents (I have both a stepmother and stepfather I grew up with also) and it's all on me to address them when I have very few resources right now. It's always been a fantasy of mine to discover a half sibling. The problem is, though, that you'd have to think of them, also, especially if they didn't know about you and/or you have no idea how they'd feel about contact and relationships. I've seen it go both ways personally in such situations, and when it goes bad, it's really ugly. Then again, sibling relationships can be or get ugly as well. The difference is, siblings already know about each other and have grown up together, generally. I think it's really hard for people who've grown up with siblings to understand what it's like not to have had that, and they tend to discount the emotions people may feel in discovering another sibling and often have little sympathy for them.

I think if I discovered one and he or she didn't want contact or a relationship, or didn't know about me and I wouldn't want to disrupt their lives unless I knew for sure that they'd be amenable to contact, that it would hurt and haunt me for the rest of my life, although I'd respect their lives and not contact. It would be very difficult.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

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#9
Sep 9, 2013
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw1: He's made it clear that he does not want a relationship with you. Move on. What do you hope to gain by disrupting his life?
Question to the gallery: If you were in your 30's, abs discovered yoy had an illegutimate half brother, would you feel any compulsion to form a relationship with them?
Absolutely, if they wanted to. If they didn't I would be sad (and really, really cannot understand such an attitude!) but not force it.

And we HAVE a similar situation in our family, so I know whereof I speak!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#10
Sep 9, 2013
 
VAdame wrote:
<quoted text>
Absolutely, if they wanted to. If they didn't I would be sad (and really, really cannot understand such an attitude!) but not force it.
And we HAVE a similar situation in our family, so I know whereof I speak!
i have tons of cousins. Many of whom i have not spoken to in over 20 years (simply due to geography and lack of interest on bith sides). I akso have a whole segment of the family with first cousins I've never met or uave met once. Meeting them once did not make me want to correspond. One of tgem friended me on fb. I accepted, but we never exchanged messages or antthin and the relationshop was no different than an old cladsmate friending me, but not cortespobfing in any way.

I envision the never met 1/2 brother scenario playing out in similar fashion

Since: Jan 10

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#11
Sep 9, 2013
 

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L1: He threatened you with legal action? Then he lied and his family does not actually know about you. Ignore the sperm donor: Contact your siblings if you're prepared for the potential rejection. "If your father continues to be hostile toward you, your siblings will likely follow suit." Amy, that's a ridiculous statement.

L2: Your ex is jealous and has regrets over losing you. NOt enough to actually rekindle things, but just enough to want to yank your chain. Leave her alone. You're better off without her immaturity and disrespect.

L3: THank you for a healthful dose of useless platitudes. Now get back to work.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#12
Sep 9, 2013
 

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A lot depends on whether the bio dad has indeed told his family about LW.

LW is being pretty aggressive about this. It sounds like he has an agenda other than just getting to know some relatives.

LW also doesn't say anything about his mom and doesn't sound very affectionate about "the father who raised me".

LW is about 48 ( 33 when he learned, ad the 15 year flash forward). The parents are all in their late 60's or older.

I have to question what LW expects to get out of all this, whether it is realistic and how much of it is being done to punish people in the parents generation. I find I don't like LW.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#13
Sep 9, 2013
 
I have a 1/2 brother I never met. I don't know if he knows that my dad is his "real" dad or not, though he'd be pretty dim not to figure out even if no one told him. He looks just like the brothers we have in common (who look just like my dad) and nothing like the dad who raised him. I've met his mom and the dad who raised him, too. Just never met him. Seen pics, though. It'd be cool to meet him.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#14
Sep 9, 2013
 

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PEllen wrote:
A lot depends on whether the bio dad has indeed told his family about LW.
LW is being pretty aggressive about this. It sounds like he has an agenda other than just getting to know some relatives.
LW also doesn't say anything about his mom and doesn't sound very affectionate about "the father who raised me".
LW is about 48 ( 33 when he learned, ad the 15 year flash forward). The parents are all in their late 60's or older.
I have to question what LW expects to get out of all this, whether it is realistic and how much of it is being done to punish people in the parents generation. I find I don't like LW.
I agree. Her intentions sound more vindictive than anything else.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#15
Sep 9, 2013
 
Judge Janie wrote:
<quoted text>
Speaking for myself and as an only child who always badly wanted blood siblings (I have stepsiblings, but it really isn't the same), I would definitely want to establish a relationship if I discovered I had a half sibling(s). It's always stuck in my craw that I had to grow up an only child, that I never had siblings. Now, I know that most people who do have siblings (which, frankly, is most people I know, I don't know too many onlies; hubby himself has five siblings) don't entirely understand that and if I had a nickel for every time someone has jokingly (or even seriously) told me they wish that they, too, were an only child, I'd be on easy street for the next ninety years.
But I hated it and still hate it and I especially hate it now that there are health and financial issues with my parents and stepparents (I have both a stepmother and stepfather I grew up with also) and it's all on me to address them when I have very few resources right now. It's always been a fantasy of mine to discover a half sibling. The problem is, though, that you'd have to think of them, also, especially if they didn't know about you and/or you have no idea how they'd feel about contact and relationships. I've seen it go both ways personally in such situations, and when it goes bad, it's really ugly. Then again, sibling relationships can be or get ugly as well. The difference is, siblings already know about each other and have grown up together, generally. I think it's really hard for people who've grown up with siblings to understand what it's like not to have had that, and they tend to discount the emotions people may feel in discovering another sibling and often have little sympathy for them.
I think if I discovered one and he or she didn't want contact or a relationship, or didn't know about me and I wouldn't want to disrupt their lives unless I knew for sure that they'd be amenable to contact, that it would hurt and haunt me for the rest of my life, although I'd respect their lives and not contact. It would be very difficult.
I am also an only child who has always wanted real siblings. But I don't think I'd want to find out that my bio father had impregnated two women at the same time and had conflicting feelings about having a relationship with me. He clearly does not want LW to contact her siblings. I don't think I'd be up for the kind of drama that would ensue if I contacted the family. I'd rather have some really good friends in my life who are happy to see me and spend time with me.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

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#16
Sep 9, 2013
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw1: He's made it clear that he does not want a relationship with you. Move on. What do you hope to gain by disrupting his life?
Question to the gallery: If you were in your 30's, abs discovered yoy had an illegutimate half brother, would you feel any compulsion to form a relationship with them? I don't think I would. I would not have anything against it, but i can't see myself goung out if my way to force a relationship that didn't begin and grow organically.
This lw seems to be hopong for a hero's welcome from siblings that have never met him and may not know he exists.
Lw2: i can't imagine being as concerned as this guy. Ex-wife is ouuta your life? Great!
ITA. In response to your question, I know I wouldn't. Why would I? This person would be a total stranger to me. DNA does not a family make.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

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#17
Sep 9, 2013
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>i have tons of cousins.
And I have 4 siblings but NO cousins. Mom was an only child, and Dad was an only surviving (his brother was KIA in WWII). I always wished I had some cousins, and I LOVE getting together with 2nd cousins & other relatives.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#18
Sep 9, 2013
 
L1: I think the circumstances dictate that the LW should let it go. If his bio father told his kids about the LW and they are curious let them get in touch.

So my father, while married to my mom, got this bietch pregnant while she was married. Both got divorced and married. I know his son and the family and they're trash, including her other kids. I had to live through his marriage with this group and have no interest in a relationship.

On the other hand, when my grandfather died, who I never knew, back in the 50's he was divorced from my grandmother. He owned a building with a tavern and apartments in Chicago and sired a couple of kids with someone. My mom, sister and brothers inherited the building and signed it over to my granny. His kids were barred from the funeral. I was always curious about wanting to know them.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#19
Sep 9, 2013
 
Stina2 wrote:
I have a 1/2 brother I never met. I don't know if he knows that my dad is his "real" dad or not, though he'd be pretty dim not to figure out even if no one told him. He looks just like the brothers we have in common (who look just like my dad) and nothing like the dad who raised him. I've met his mom and the dad who raised him, too. Just never met him. Seen pics, though. It'd be cool to meet him.
I should point out that my dad's first wife left him for another man when said 1/2 brother was a baby. She took him and the other baby (who she claimed was my dad's but quite clearly wasn't) and ran off with the guy she had an affair with and ended up marrying him. She left my dad and several other children (also my dad's and therefore my siblings, whom he raised) when she did this. My dad wasn't the one messing around; his first wife was.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#20
Sep 9, 2013
 
VAdame wrote:
<quoted text>
And I have 4 siblings but NO cousins. Mom was an only child, and Dad was an only surviving (his brother was KIA in WWII). I always wished I had some cousins, and I LOVE getting together with 2nd cousins & other relatives.
I have a tremendous amount of cousins. Over 30. While I don't see them very often, I will admit it's nice to know they're there. If I had issues where I needed their help, I believe many of them would not hesitate. I'm lucky.

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