Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#1 Nov 27, 2012
Dear Amy: I am a 44-year-old with a live-in boyfriend. We get along really well, and our families have blended quite nicely. But there is one ongoing issue in our three-year relationship.

I am not comfortable with how many nights my partner spends sitting at a bar. He says he is just going for an hour or two to visit with the boys. These "boys" are all men over 50. Most of them are alcoholics. They all drink and drive on a regular basis.

I have expressed my concerns several times, and when I do he seems to go out less often but always slips back into the same pattern. He says he "only" goes three, four or five times a week. Most lunch hours he can be found at a bar, and he drinks at home daily.

I am ready to run for the hills. He thinks he and his buds are popular because every bartender/waitress knows them intimately. It makes me cringe, and I am embarrassed beyond belief. I cannot think of marrying this man (he has proposed) because of these "red flags." Am I being a "nag" (his words) or a doormat? Sad

Dear Sad: "Nags" nag because they feel they aren't being heard. Nagging is repetition, sometimes amplified for emphasis. I'm not sure what about this scenario makes you a doormat, unless you are comparing yourself to the mat your guy steps over on his way to and from the bar.

I venture a guess that he has been a habitual heavy drinker and barfly the entire time you've known him. If he has
changed recently, then by all means ask him to change back.

However, the rest is on you. You are the person you can count on. Do you want to live like this? Do you want to live with this? If not one thing changes or if your partner starts drinking more than he currently does what will your choice be? He sounds like someone who might best be loved from a distance.

Dear Amy: I screwed up badly. My wife and I have been seeing a therapist since June.

In July, I got friendly online with a married lady living overseas. What started out as innocent flirting became naughty. I was enjoying the thrill of chatting without thinking of the consequences.

My wife stumbled across something suspicious and started snooping in my e-mail account. She got hold of my chat history and confronted me for cheating on her emotionally.

My second biggest mistake was to lie to my wife and our therapist. I promised that I would mend my ways. My wife bought the argument, but I was dumb enough to offer to communicate with my overseas friend through a different e-mail address.

Two weeks later my wife confronted me with all the evidence, and now I'm ashamed of my behavior beyond words. My wife is deciding what to do next. What should I do to win back her trust? Jerk of a Husband

Dear Jerk: Stop being a jerk. Stop lying. Offer your wife complete and total transparency, online and otherwise. Explore this from every angle in therapy. After that, you can only hope that your wife chooses to trust (because trust is a choice). In her case, trust will be the ultimate triumph of faith over experience.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#2 Nov 27, 2012
L1: He drinks on "most" lunch hours? I assume this means he works... nice. Has he always done this much drinking?

L2: Well, at least you were honest with Amy. Or is there more?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Nov 27, 2012
L1: You're dating and living with an alcoholic. A functioning alcoholic, but an alcoholic nonetheless. He won't change for you. can you accept him as he is? Or will you let inertia and the fact that you moved in together be what keeps you together when you'd rather not be in a relationship with someone who drinks so often and so much?

You are a nag, and you are a doormat. You can control both of those things, and stop.

L2: Why don't you do your wife a favor and move out, so she can find someone who doesn't lie and try to cheat? Oh, that sounds scary? Imagine how ywour wife feels.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#4 Nov 27, 2012
1 I'm the last person to label someone as an alcoholic, but the BF is one. If he isn't willing to stop, you must walk.

2 Uhhh,stop the naughty stuff dude. Sorry to get so complicated......

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Nov 27, 2012
L1: Yep, alcoholic. Stop nagging and give an ultimatum. Maybe AA and therapy. Then stick to what you say.

L2: You're both a jerk and stupid. I wouldn't take you back.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Nov 27, 2012
LW1: What Amy? No Al-anon plug? They might be able to actually help her.

LW2: Good lord. Why did you think you could continue to get away with this once you were busted? You deserve whatever your idiocy has earned you.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Nov 27, 2012
LW1: IF you don't want to be with someone who drinks that much then don't start dating someone like that in the first place and then expect them to change to be the person you want them to be. That's probably not going to happen.

LW2: What can you do? How about you stop lying and having contact with this woman?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#8 Nov 27, 2012
1- At least he's a *functioning* alcoholic. Has he always been a regular drinker? Or are you wanting to change him? He is who he is, accept him for it or don't.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#9 Nov 27, 2012
LW1: What Red said. He is an alcoholic. You are an enabler and in serious denial. Actually, you are BOTH in denial. He would rather call you "a nag" than examine his own behavior. I am glad that you at least know better than to marry this man under the circumstances. If I were you, I'd get my own place ASAP.

LW2: Your wife, on the other hand, is NOT in denial. She's dealing with being married to a lying jerk who is playing with fire. You might get burned that way. You need to cherish and appreciate the woman you married or you WILL lose her.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#10 Nov 27, 2012
1 If you think he has a drinking problem, you should try living with me!

2 You are a nutless airhead I hope you have not bred yet.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#11 Nov 27, 2012
RACE wrote:
1 If you think he has a drinking problem, you should try living with me!
HA!!!
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#12 Nov 27, 2012
1. Most of "them" are alcoholics? Gee, guess who else is? Please, you're making the rest of us look stupid.

2. Send her to Nospineaholics Anolymous with LW1. Good grief, who are these women? And what kind of piece of crap are you? Your relationship is never going to have trust again. And if you were getting what you wanted you wouldn't be email-banging Hilda from Guttenfarber Glen.

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