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1 - 19 of 19 Comments Last updated Oct 18, 2013

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#1
Oct 17, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I am in a relationship with a wonderful man. Weíve been together for 18 months. The relationship is good, and he claims to love me. However, Iím starting to observe some things about him that I donít like.

He seems to love the attention of other women. When weíre out, heíll see women around us and start conversations with them. They will laugh and joke in my presence. Iíve walked away a few times during these interactions.
Whenever I mention to him how it makes me feel, heíll say something like ďIím only being niceĒ or ďAm I supposed to walk with my head down and pay attention to only you?Ē

Do you think Iím being overly sensitive like he says?-- Tired

DEAR TIRED: Yes, you are being overly sensitive. Iím going to assume that your boyfriend was like this when you two met and fell in love. In the early days of your relationship you might have actually been drawn to this trait of his.

So unless he has changed recently, your primary job is to examine your own reaction to this and figure out if you can behave differently in order to feel better. Walking away is not the answer.

He should make an effort to include you. If he needs to be better at this, then ask him to work on it. Secure and successful couples put their relationship at the center of social interactions but also include others. Laughing and joking with other people sounds like a good thing. You should try it.

DEAR AMY: I recently retired at age 65. My wife of 17 years (10 years my junior) still works a part-time job four days a week. She works five hours a day. She also takes an aerobics class four or five days a week.

She is irritated that I donít cook more. She also says I should not tell her I worked 47 years to earn what we have now and that I deserve to enjoy my retirement.

I do yardwork around our large place and have lots of ďto-doísĒ for the next few years. I enjoy golf and reading and relaxing. I volunteer at our daughterís school. I also do most of the laundry, drive our daughter to and from school three to four days a week and cook about once a week.

Is my wife right to insist that I should do most of the cooking because she is tired when she gets home at 3 oíclock in the afternoon?-- Retired

DEAR RETIRED: You definitely deserve to kick back, but just donít do it in front of your wife. There is nothing more annoying than coming home from work with your arms full of groceries and starting dinner while your partner enjoys a good book. And, no, you should not throw your 47 years of work at your wife. You are in a family together and should both contribute to the household.

I think you should commit to taking care of dinner at least twice during the workweek on specific days.

If you two cooked on a schedule, it would free both of you to enjoy some downtime; this will eliminate the daily ďdinner dance,Ē where you circle one another to see who blinks first and starts the cooking. You should also make an effort to cook together a couple of times a week; this will ease the burden for both of you and can be a very enjoyable way to kick off the evening. A couplesí cooking class might make this less of a chore for both of you.

Also, doing laundry for a family of three is not a big job. Assign this to your daughter.

DEAR AMY: The letter from ďThe TeachĒ certainly brought back memories of my time spent teaching kids during those years when I had frequent hot flashes in front of the class. I opened the windows so often (in winter) that the kids started bringing their coats and scarves to class!

I guess I owe them an explanation and an apology.-- Retired Teach

DEAR TEACH: I have a feeling they probably figured it out.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#2
Oct 17, 2013
 

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LW1: Heís kind of got a point. As I have told my wife a few times when women come on strong to me when she is not around Ö what am I supposed to do, hiss at them and make the sign of the cross with my fingers. As long as Iím not banging them whatís it matter to her and why should I have to be rude or mean? My wife gets it. This LW doesnít.

This LW would hate me. Iíve had women all over me. Lips pressed against my neck, putting my face in their boobs, grabbing my a$s, asking me to leave with them, asking me to go to their room with them. My wife isnít crazy about it, but she trusts me. Iím just not one to be mean to folks who arenít mean to me.

After all that, my wife wouldnít even bat an eyelash if I just socialized with a woman in front of her, and if she did I'd think she was really insecure.

LW2: I think you should split that duty. And fí Amy for saying he shouldnít throw the 47 years of work at her. Iím sure she throws what she does at him.

LW3: For the love of god Ö just stop.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Oct 17, 2013
 
Team Sublime.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#4
Oct 17, 2013
 
LW1: I'm thinking this is a case of it takes two to tango. He probably does like the attention and you're being too sensitive. He probably doesn't even notice when it goes a little overboard and you're ready to perceive every slight. Maybe make up a code word that you could use when you think it's going too far and he can check himself before you get pissed.

LW2: Well, it must be tango day! You both are using this dinner cooking issue as some sort of power trip. You both still work, deal with it like adults.

LW3: Amy, just run a whole column of this hot flash rehash and get it out of your system. At least that way, we could ignore it.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#5
Oct 17, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Team Sublime.
Even that part where women regularly hang all over you and grab at body parts and ask you to come to their rooms and do unspeakable things to them?

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#6
Oct 17, 2013
 
L1: Oh I knew we'd hear all about Sub's "women".

L2: He should NOT throw the 47 years of work at her. She shouldn't get all hissy about dinners. Eh, they're probably getting used to a new dynamic. I liked Amy's idea of cooking classes (if he's interested). And she's right, the daughter could do the laundry -- although I tell you, to me laundry never ends.

L3: Yes, you definitely owed them the apology for having them freeze their butts off.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#7
Oct 17, 2013
 

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Oh, their speakable things all right. Let me tell you...
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Even that part where women regularly hang all over you and grab at body parts and ask you to come to their rooms and do unspeakable things to them?

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#8
Oct 17, 2013
 
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Even that part where women regularly hang all over you and grab at body parts and ask you to come to their rooms and do unspeakable things to them?
Not regularly. I don't go out that often with just the guys for a night on the town or go to a setting where that is likely to happen. When I do, tho, yeah it happens not infrequently.

I can't help it that some women can't control themselves around me and I bring out the animal in them with my charm, wit, and dashing good looks. Don't hate me cause I'm beautiful. ROFLMAO ;p

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#9
Oct 17, 2013
 

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1- Of course, Sublime. You're so irresistible,*I* even want to be all over you!

2- Ok, you're 65, your wife is 55, and you have a daughter still in school? How does she get to school the other one or two days a week? And dude, your wife likely cooked for you for seventeen years. I say get off your lazy @zz and get in the kitchen.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#10
Oct 17, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
1- Of course, Sublime. You're so irresistible,*I* even want to be all over you!
I know! You are gay like that!

:p

Since: Feb 10

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#11
Oct 17, 2013
 

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L1: "Walking away is not the answer."

Well, it might be. It doesn't really matter who is right. If they can't reach some kind of understanding, then walking away IS the answer. Walking away from the relationship, not just his current interaction with another woman.

I dated a guy who really got off on jealousy. When I didn't get upset, he would just get more and more obnoxious until he got a reaction. And no, he didn't do that when we first started dating. It took about a year. He was really social - talked to everybody and flirted alot, and I thought that was great. I HATE being with someone who hangs on me all the time, and loved the fact that he was comfortable, whether it was his friends, my friends or strangers. But when he was across the room, grinding away on someone else, watching me and waiting for a reaction, I was done. I wasn't insecure or jealous. I was disgusted that he thought it was OK to try to manipulate a response out of me like that. I have heard that he finally found the perfect woman for him though. She seems to thrive on the drama and they have public screaming matches on a regular basis. Bleh. Glad he's happy.

L2 sounds like a typical newly-retired problem. Both feeling put-upon and uncomfortable with their new dynamic. Try to take the fight out of cooking dinner. Get the shopping done while she's at work and then prepare the meal together - you, your wife and daughter. Make it a fun family activity instead of a chore. Sit down together and come up with some new ideas you all want to try; everyone pick a different country and make a traditional meal from there; whatever. It's only a chore if you choose to make it one. Everybody has to eat, so make it fun. And yeah, get the daughter involved in stuff that needs to be done around the house, whether it's laundry or anything else. She should be self-sufficient by the time she finishes school, and it's never to early to start learning and being responsible for contributing to the household.

L3: Shut up Amy, you stupid post-menopausal cow.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#12
Oct 17, 2013
 
LW1: Yes, you are being oversensitive. You stated that the relationship is good and he claims to love you. Maybe you need to work on your insecurity and tendency to be possessive. There will always be other women in the world and he's allowed to talk to them.

LW2: Team squishy and Toj. Amby's suggestion to take cooking classes was spot on, too. And why don't you order some take-out or go out to dinner once or twice a week? Maybe you could hire a maid to do some light housekeeping once a week, so that the cooking is less of an issue.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

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#13
Oct 17, 2013
 

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Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: Heís kind of got a point. As I have told my wife a few times when women come on strong to me when she is not around Ö what am I supposed to do, hiss at them and make the sign of the cross with my fingers. As long as Iím not banging them whatís it matter to her and why should I have to be rude or mean? My wife gets it. This LW doesnít.
This LW would hate me. Iíve had women all over me. Lips pressed against my neck, putting my face in their boobs, grabbing my a$s, asking me to leave with them, asking me to go to their room with them. My wife isnít crazy about it, but she trusts me. Iím just not one to be mean to folks who arenít mean to me.
After all that, my wife wouldnít even bat an eyelash if I just socialized with a woman in front of her, and if she did I'd think she was really insecure.
LW2: I think you should split that duty. And fí Amy for saying he shouldnít throw the 47 years of work at her. Iím sure she throws what she does at him.
LW3: For the love of god Ö just stop.
1: Really? Women throw themselves at you in that fashion? What are you, super rich? Famous in real life? Do you look like Brad Pitt or George Clooney? I have to say that if I caught my husband in a situation with a woman pushing his face in her boobs or smooching his neck and he wasn't protesting and putting her in "her place," I'd be mad at him. It's one thing to be pleasant to another person of the opposite sex but allowing them to make physical contact in that manner without letting them know it's unacceptable while moving away from that person as quickly as possible is simply wrong. I know my husband would not appreciate my allowing another man to make that kind of physical contact with me.

That said, I do think the lw is more than a bit oversensitive. As I said, being pleasant and joking with a person is not necessarily wrong. It depends on the type of joke and the intent. It almost sounds as though this lw is looking to have more than an acceptable control over her beau. If a man did this to his girlfriend, many would say he's too controlling and possibly trying to isolate her.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#14
Oct 17, 2013
 
Ha! I just told my assistant I am fed up with my office being an ice box and I'm ordering a small space heater.

She said, I don't need a space heater, I have hot flashes, but you are right it gets cold in my office and your office is even worse.

I have a zip up sweater that I keep at work and have it on and have been miserable all day and all week.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#15
Oct 17, 2013
 
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
1: Really? Women throw themselves at you in that fashion? What are you, super rich? Famous in real life? Do you look like Brad Pitt or George Clooney?
That stuff DOES happen to me, and Iím not bragging. Itís just that I can kind of relate to the LW. Unlike him, I donít initiate things.

Iíve had an SUV women fight over who is riding on my bike with me. I was just standing there. I didnít even talk to them. My buddies met them, not me. I didnít even see them until the bar closed and we were ready to roll out and standing by our bikes. I actually donít like all that attention. I donít seek it out or even approach other women.

I was at a hooters restaurant with my buddy and seemingly every time the waitresses walked by, they kept brushing up against me. I thought what is going on Ö am I imagining this Ö are these waitresses really clumsy? Then they all came over to me and started giving me their autographs and writing hearts next to their names and taking to me. My one buddy was with me and couldnít believe it. Heís like I think they like you. Then I told them I thought it was really odd that they all kept brushing up against me everytime they walked by. It was like the twilight zone. Weíve gone there many times for a guys night out, but I had never seen that happen to anyone. Iím not joking, either.

My guy friends call me a fíer.

No, Iím not super rich (I donít even tell folks I donít know well what I do Ö Iím not the type to just throw that out there). Iím not famous. I donít think I look like Brad Pitt or George Clooney, but I wouldnít say I am ugly and I have a nice build Ö Iíve always done well with women for some reason and I can carry a conversation.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#16
Oct 17, 2013
 

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Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
I have to say that if I caught my husband in a situation with a woman pushing his face in her boobs or smooching his neck and he wasn't protesting and putting her in "her place," I'd be mad at him. It's one thing to be pleasant to another person of the opposite sex but allowing them to make physical contact in that manner without letting them know it's unacceptable while moving away from that person as quickly as possible is simply wrong. I know my husband would not appreciate my allowing another man to make that kind of physical contact with me.
Iím JUST not going to make a scene or cause a huge fuss over it. Especially when I am out with a bunch of my friends Ö Iím just not going to be "that guy." Thatís just not who I am.

Iím pretty easy going and I go with the flow. I canít help that women approach me, and I canít help it if just cause I talk to them that they want to do more than talk to me.

My wife knew that stuff happened to me way before she married me, and she knew my personality. The same sort of stuff happened in college too and before we started dating and when we started dating.

Iím about the least aggressive man there is when it comes to pursuing women. I donít even try.

Maybe they have beer goggles on and that's why they like me.:)

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#17
Oct 17, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
Iíve had an SUV women fight over who is riding on my bike with me. I was just standing there. I didnít even talk to them. My buddies met them, not me. I didnít even see them until the bar closed and we were ready to roll out and standing by our bikes. I actually donít like all that attention. I donít seek it out or even approach other women.
The one who ended up riding with me wanted me to go to her room with her and bang her. Then she wanted me to come over the next day with my buddy who hooked up with one of her friends and bang her. Then weeks later, my buddy was texting the woman he hooked up with and the woman who rode on my bike was still going on and on about how stupid I was for not effing her.

I never said anything to her about sleeping with her. I never flirted with her. I didn't even talk that much. We were on the bike most of the time and then we chatted briefly as a group when we dropped them off at their hotel.

^^^ stuff like that ... all the time.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

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#20
Oct 18, 2013
 
By "laugh and joke in my presence", does LW1 mean
"laugh at her" or "playfully laugh/tease with her"?
Big difference between a little harmless joking and crossing the line to "clumsily unkind"--which he may not have intended to cross.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#21
Oct 18, 2013
 

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check your pants, you crapped yourself again.
And the answer is wrote:
Check #18 above

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