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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 11, 2014
DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I have been together for about seven months, and we're planning on him moving into my condo in a few months. I really love him and can see a future with him, but I'm really anxious about living with someone, since I've never done that before, despite being in some long relationships.

I'm almost 33, and am pretty set in my ways. I'm worried about having enough "me" time when he moves in. Also, he's really messy, and I'm pretty neat.

Sometimes I have trouble standing up for myself and asking for what I need. I want to take this next step with him, but I'm scared. How do I make this work so that we're both happy and comfortable living together?-- Anxious Annie

DEAR ANXIOUS: Because you and your guy are so different, you should anticipate challenges in living together. You are both going to have to make some (possibly major) lifestyle adjustments.

Learning to communicate effectively trumps every other life alteration, however. For instance, if you don't make your needs known but then complain about not having a voice, it is not at all fair to him. Successful couples communicate and negotiate -- and know when to compromise or (equally important) let it go.

The messy versus neat issue will cause both of you continued aggravation unless you learn to let some stuff go, and he learns to modify his habits somewhat. I highly recommend hiring outside cleaning help if you can afford it.

You do need "me" time, but it is your responsibility to get it, not his responsibility to grant it.

Start talking about your cohabitation now. Be honest about all of your feelings -- the apprehension and the excitement. He may also have questions (and some misgivings). Work on your communication skills.

And take a road trip together. Nothing tests and teaches about a relationship quite like traveling together. If you do decide to cohabit, agree to a weekly formal "check in" where you discuss household issues -- both financial and personal time budgeting. This is not a gripe session, mind you, but an opportunity to learn to work as a team.

DEAR AMY: In the morning my husband and I read the paper at the table over coffee.

Lately he has taken to reading magazines, etc. at the dinner table. This strikes me as being very rude, but he does not take well to being corrected, so I have said nothing to avoid a scene or tantrum.

The crazy thing is, he is very vocal about others having good manners and behaving with civility.

I am tempted to read my email on my cellphone at the dinner table, just to see what he says. What suggestions do you have?-- Feeling Stuck

DEAR STUCK: Your husband might see this answer in his morning newspaper, or you could definitely read your email (or a novel) at the dinner table, but didn't you already state that you think this is rude?

Your rudeness will not cancel out his rudeness. He will neither notice nor care when you read at the table, because you have arrived at an uncomfortable juncture in your relationship where he is doing what he wants to do (and doesn't care what you think about it), while you are trying to passively avoid a tantrum.

You might start a conversation about this -- and possibly avoid a scene -- by inserting a note in one of his magazines saying, "Honey, I would really like to spend dinner time with you, not your reading material. Can we talk?"

If he doesn't like to be corrected, then he shouldn't behave in ways that invite correction.

DEAR AMY: Regarding "Burnt Out Auntie's" letter about enabling her addict niece, I see this every day in my profession. The enabled ones are the ones that continue to go in and out of prison. It is their lifestyle. They don't love their children or themselves as much as they love drugs. The people that are left to fend for themselves are more apt to finally take responsibility for themselves.-- Experienced

DEAR EXPERIENCED: Addiction is a disease, not a choice, but giving an addict money feeds the disease.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Mar 11, 2014
1- Any type of lifestyle change is gonna be an adjustment. Learn to manage, you'll get used to it.

2- "he does not take well to being corrected, so I have said nothing to avoid a scene or tantrum."

Congrats on marrying a five year old. If this bothers you so much, say something. Hand him a box of tissues if he throws his tantrum

3- Ya know, all this justification so people aren't culpable for their actions. Yeah, it's never a "choice," be it addiction, homosexualtiy....

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Mar 11, 2014
L2.There is a world of difference between being corrected and having someone request you not do something. The fact that LW doesn't see that difference could be a reason why her husband sticks his head in reading material instead of talking to her.

L1 See L2 and make sure that is not how you act.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Mar 11, 2014
1 I was all for team Lamy until she got to the weekly meetings. Its not a business, it's a partnership. You dont need to schedule weekly meetings, and sent out email conformations, just address stuff as it comes up.

2 If you dont say anything, how the hello is he supposed to know you think he is being rude?

3 Addiction is a disease that started as a choice, and that is also the way it ends.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#5 Mar 11, 2014
Lw2: so its ok at breakfast while you are doing it too, but because you don't like it at dinner, its a problem?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Mar 11, 2014
PEllen wrote:
L2.There is a world of difference between being corrected and having someone request you not do something. The fact that LW doesn't see that difference could be a reason why her husband sticks his head in reading material instead of talking to her.
L1 See L2 and make sure that is not how you act.
I have always read at meals. My former co-worker and i would share the news paper at lunch. For me, a great joy in Sunday morning is reading the paper and sales at breakfast, be it at home or out at Denny's.

Now with phones and tablets, its less obtrusive AND it fosters conversation .
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#7 Mar 11, 2014
LW1: This will be a good exercise in compromise for you. Remember: don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff. I also totally recommend outside cleaning help if you can afford it.

LW2: Team edog. Your husband has tantrums? Really? Don't tell him he's rude, tell him that you want to spend time with him at dinner and both of you can read afterward.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Mar 11, 2014
I think PEllen has L1 and L2 covered. Two people can have the same message but say it differently and get different outcomes. I've seen it happen right here.

L3: There is no one way out of addiction. The way that works is the best way. Enabling never works, though.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Mar 11, 2014
LW1: What a long-winded way of saying all relationships are a compromise. Keep the lines of communication open and don't assume that he knows what you're feeling or thinking. Tell him what you need/want.

LW2: I'm with Tonka. Why is it OK in the AM but not in the PM?

LW3: I thought we let this go, with love of course, yesterday.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#10 Mar 11, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 I was all for team Lamy until she got to the weekly meetings. Its not a business, it's a partnership. You dont need to schedule weekly meetings, and sent out email conformations, just address stuff as it comes up.
.
See, I kinda liked it, if only at the start, and especially for someone like lw who admits she can't use her words. It's set and they can come knowing the topic and not feel bombarded by an issue.*shrug*

Although, I wonder if lw doesn't want to move in and didn't use her words to say no....
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#11 Mar 11, 2014
2: Yeah, I'm also on the [you do it at breakfast but say no at dinner] train.
Either the rules needed to be spelled out or you stop reading at breakfast....maybe there is no food, just coffee, so that changes it.

I wonder--does le throw a tantrum or is he quasi-abusive and lw walks on eggshells about anything he does. To not even be able to bring up a simple topic to a person you've spent a considerable amount of time with, presumably had kids, and let him stick his peen in you.....that's weird and....sad....that isn't what life is about, is it?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Mar 11, 2014
cheluzal wrote:
2: Yeah, I'm also on the [you do it at breakfast but say no at dinner] train.
Either the rules needed to be spelled out or you stop reading at breakfast....m aybe there is no food, just coffee, so that changes it.
I wonder--does le throw a tantrum or is he quasi-abusive and lw walks on eggshells about anything he does. To not even be able to bring up a simple topic to a person you've spent a considerable amount of time with, presumably had kids, and let him stick his peen in you.....that's weird and....sad....that isn't what life is about, is it?
and do you have an explanation as to what makes the same act acceptable at one meal but not another? Or is it "just because"?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#13 Mar 11, 2014
I think its peculiar that lw thinks reading her email at the table will show him how rude he's being...as opposed to him thinking nothing of it as its the same thing they do at breakfast.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#14 Mar 11, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>and do you have an explanation as to what makes the same act acceptable at one meal but not another? Or is it "just because"?
Family custom, lark vs owl tendencies, lack of time for caffeine to work ( see, enabling addictions , below).

If people try to have verbal conversation with me first thing in the morning, it is not going to end well

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#15 Mar 11, 2014
RACE wrote:
3 Addiction is a disease that started as a choice, and that is also the way it ends.
Excellent!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Mar 11, 2014
I agree that you choose to use drugs. Two people can decide to use the same drug. One gets horribly addicted the first time around the second does not.

Explain.
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#17 Mar 11, 2014
L2: She could try to talk to him at the dinner table and he won't be able to concentrate on what he is trying to read. I'm sure he'll be a bit annoyed but rude is rude.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#18 Mar 11, 2014
Toj wrote:
I agree that you choose to use drugs. Two people can decide to use the same drug. One gets horribly addicted the first time around the second does not.
Explain.
Just ay "no"?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#19 Mar 11, 2014
Toj wrote:
I agree that you choose to use drugs. Two people can decide to use the same drug. One gets horribly addicted the first time around the second does not.
Explain.
Some people have addictive tendencies

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Mar 11, 2014
tiredofit wrote:
L2: She could try to talk to him at the dinner table and he won't be able to concentrate on what he is trying to read. I'm sure he'll be a bit annoyed but rude is rude.
what makes you sure. I read at the table and if someone has smething to say to me, i have no problem putting down what i am reading. And like i said, i might find something interesting to talk about. Like ladt night. I came across something going on in LA where the people voted in 08 tospend money on repairing and maintaining school facilities, but some politician ignored that and ladt year spent all that money on buying ipads for EVERY student while the facilities are falling apart.

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