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1 - 11 of 11 Comments Last updated Dec 4, 2013

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

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#1
Dec 4, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I am struggling with the pain and loss of trust in my marriage. We have been married almost 40 years and have two grown children. My wife has struggled with alcohol and painkiller addictions but recently successfully completed rehab. I have supported her faithfully through all the ups and downs.

I just discovered that she is having an affair with her AA sponsor, which has devastated me. While she professes to be sorry, is there any hope for recovering trust in a marriage shattered so entirely? I love her but cannot imagine ever trusting her again.-- Sad After All These Years

DEAR SAD: You can potentially trust your wife again. Your wife made a choice -- and you have choices too. For you, the process of trusting her will begin with your choice to commit to the effort.

Your wife must commit to her sobriety and fidelity, and she needs to do so with a different sponsor. She should not have any more contact with her affair partner. She needs to be completely transparent with you for as long as it takes.

This is a tough road, but even after going to the brink, your relationship can deepen and strengthen, especially given the challenges you two have already successfully faced. Every day I hear from people who manage to reconcile and rebuild their relationships after seemingly insurmountable challenges. You can do this but not without your wife's complete commitment to behaving in a trustworthy way, as well as your determination to work toward trusting her.

A book that represents both sides of this challenge is, "After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful," by Janis A. Spring. I highly recommend it for both of you.

DEAR AMY: I have been a stepmom to my stepdaughter for almost 20 years. Initially we were very close but since she turned 20, she barely tolerates me. She is now 30.

She is very close to my husband, and I support their relationship. Now she has my grandson (age 3), whom I would like to know. They live in another state. The Skype calls are made when I am out of the house. I do not get the text messages with the cute pictures (he does). And recently she posted comments on Facebook that my husband can come and live with her. My husband says they are close, but he is not responsible for her actions.

I want to figure out the balance. I don't know if I should let them stay at our house when she is in town. They have other options.

I don't want to affect my husband's ability to have a close relationship with his daughter, but if I am not part of the package deal, what should I do?-- Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: You don't say if anything specific brought on this chill, but you should try to get to the bottom of it. If you need to take responsibility for something that happened 10 years ago, then definitely do so.

You also don't say whether you have tried to have an independent relationship with your stepdaughter. One way to demonstrate your intentions is to be in touch with her. Another way is to welcome this family into your home.

You should be part of your family's "package deal," and your husband can help promote a relationship between the two of you by being inclusive -- even if his daughter is being exclusive. He could (and should) bat away any attempts by his daughter to drive a wedge between you. He should put his marriage at the center of his life, leaving plenty of room to enjoy children and grandchildren -- together.

DEAR AMY: "Newly Single" is the 27-year-old woman who noted that guys never ask for a woman's phone number. I'm a guy, and I figure if the woman is really interested in me, she'd say something or ask for my number.

It's not laziness on the guy's part. It's just a way we screen.-- Satisfied in Seattle

DEAR SATISFIED: If everybody is "screening," nobody is ever going to get together.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#2
Dec 4, 2013
 

Judged:

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2- She wants him to live with her? She communicates with him when you're out of the house? I think there might be a little... uh... "more" to their relationship... If you know what I mean

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Dec 4, 2013
 

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1 Well, amy finally listened and pulled out her man cheating rant and replaced the word "He" with "She"

2 Women change, theirs no figuring them out, just move on.

3 Yeah, just the way I roll man. Dat beitch want my junk, she no how to grab me. I aint gots time to be messin wit no ho that cant make up her mind.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#4
Dec 4, 2013
 

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Lw2: what did you do? Something happened at 20 and you never owned up to it.

Lw3: So its ok for women to screen, but not men?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#5
Dec 4, 2013
 
LW1: She may have stopped drinking but she's still addicted to the drama; nice touch with the affair with the AA sponsor.

A book is not going to help you much; you need weekly face-to-face marriage counseling.

LW2: Yup, own up to whatever happened 10 years ago and let them stay at the house.

LW3: If I was dating now, no way would I be giving out my number all willy-nilly. I think I'd have an email that I'd give out instead.

But in response to the letter: whatever.

Since: Aug 08

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#6
Dec 4, 2013
 

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LW1: I could be wrong, but isn't sleeping with your sponsor step 11 of AA’s 12 step program, lol?

Wow are you a spineless wimp. A marriage to a drunk, pill popping, cheater isn’t worth saving. Let her be the problem of someone else.

LW2: This is really your husband’s fault … that he allows this to continue. He should be more of a facilitator … for example when they chat, he could gently encourage her to call when you are around and say you’d like to chat with her too. Maybe he enjoys playing the two of you off each other. More of the context would be helpful, but comments on facebook about him coming to live with you are inappropriate, if not downright hostile.

However, you also need to consider what you can do and haven’t done in the past to make the situation better, instead of putting it all on her. Do you ever go shopping together, on girls trips, to get your nails done? Do you ever take the initiative to have the type of relationship you wish to have or do you expect her to do it all.

LW3: If you are frequently approached by the opposite sex, you are probably conditioned to not be as aggressive. If you aren’t being approached by the opposite sex that should be a clue that you need to make more effort and initiate things. Gender doesn't matter so much.

Since: Aug 08

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#7
Dec 4, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
2 Women change, theirs no figuring them out, just move on.
LMFAO
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#8
Dec 4, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: I could be wrong, but isn't sleeping with your sponsor step 11 of AA’s 12 step program, lol?
Wow are you a spineless wimp. A marriage to a drunk, pill popping, cheater isn’t worth saving. Let her be the problem of someone else.
I heard that it's the 13th step, but whatever. I totally agree that he should get out.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#9
Dec 4, 2013
 

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LW2: Don't you just love these LWs who let an unsatisfactory situation continue for YEARS and then expect that an advice columnist will know what to do about it? LW is the only one who knows what happened 10 years ago, and if she doesn't, it is now 10 years worth of resentment and hurt feelings later and this is not going to be smoothed over in an instant. LW, you need to pick up the phone, tell your stepdaughter that you love her and that you'd like to be closer to her. You also need to get your husband on board. Get some counseling for yourself and your husband so that he understands that you are in this together and so that you can communicate more effectively with both him and your stepdaughter.

LW3: HA! I'll get reamed for saying this, but men are supposed to be wired to pursue.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#10
Dec 4, 2013
 
Unless it's something serious and major, ten years is a hell of a long time to hold a grudge. Daughter needs to grow up and get over it.

Since: Aug 08

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#11
Dec 4, 2013
 
Kuuipo wrote:
<quoted text>
I heard that it's the 13th step, but whatever. I totally agree that he should get out.
:)

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