Ask Amy 4-5-13

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#1 Apr 5, 2013
DEAR AMY: I have been friends with “Debbie” for more than 15 years — we are both in our late 40s. We recently started hanging out more after I got out of a long relationship. Debbie and I have fun and lots of laughs together.

We went out one night with a few friends. She invited a guy to join us. She hooks up with him about once a year for a “booty call.” He and I hit it off! He asked her for my number. I asked her,“Are you cool with this?” She said she was.

Now he and I have been together for about three months, and my friend is angry with me. She said I broke the “girl code” by going out with this guy. I think she is upset because he was not more interested in her. She always initiated their booty calls.

She is the type of girl who will use a guy to get him to pay for her dinners or buy her nice things, and this guy makes quite a bit of money.

I try to make time to hang out with Debbie, but she either blows me off or, the couple of times we have hung out, she drinks too much and gets on the same subject about how I broke the girl code and stabbed her in the back. Should I continue to try to be her friend? He and I have talked about a future together. It’s a really great relationship.-- Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: Your friend’s annual “booty call” does not activate the “girl code.” She simply does not get to hold a guy on reserve, just in case.

But if you want to hold onto this friendship (and I wonder why you would), you might as well cop to violating the girl code and ask her to forgive you. You say,“I’m sorry about this and I know you’re unhappy, but will you accept my apology and can we stay friends?”

After that, she does not get to bring this up again.

DEAR AMY: I wrote to you last spring about my daughter, a college freshman who seemed to be at a standstill as far as where her life was headed.

I explained that we tried to give her every opportunity — tutors, private school, etc.— to no avail and that she was taking a semester off to contemplate what she was going to do with her life.

You encouraged me to back off; you published several letters from others who suggested many solutions.

I wanted to let you and all of those other caring people know that she took a prep class, got an acceptable score on her entrance exams and began college as a freshman at a small nearby college.

She lives on campus, which is great for both of us, and she made the dean’s list her first semester! This has given her immeasurable confidence in many other aspects of her life. I wanted to let you know how grateful I am for your advice.

I did back off, and look what happened! Thank you so much!-- Pam

DEAR PAM: I remember your original letter. You were working much harder on your daughter’s future success than she was.

It is challenging to watch a young person struggle, even a little bit. But struggling is underrated; it often leads to change. Most important, your daughter owns her success. I congratulate her and thank you for the update. It’s always nice to hear a success story.

DEAR AMY:“Lost Grandpa” was upset because his daughter-in-law didn’t want to have children. He could look into a mentoring program.

For the past four years I have been a mentor in a privately funded program modeled after Big Brothers. There are no grandchildren in my future, and my “little brother” is a grandchild substitute. I cannot tell you how much joy I get from him.-- Proud of My Little Guy

DEAR PROUD: What a wonderful (and wise) way to channel your grandfatherly instincts!

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Apr 5, 2013
Oh, here's the rehash...

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Apr 5, 2013
L1: I think Amy's advice is fine. But how will your friend react if you and this guy get serious? Get married? I don't see this friend taking those things well at all. You may have to choose between your friend and this guy.

L3: I don't see mentoring as a substitution for grandkids, at least not for everybody. It's an individual thing.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#4 Apr 5, 2013
1- I'm gonna go with the friend here. You don't poach your bff's ex or even booty call. She said giving him your number was fine, but now she's upset about it. I don't think you should let some man come between your 15 year friendship. I say break it off with him.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#5 Apr 5, 2013
LW1: She gave him your number and she was never seriously interested in him. So I think she is wrong to be upset about it.


“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Apr 5, 2013
L1: It's not a good idea to date someone who a friend has been intimate with. She probably will never be happy with your relationship. Do you want the friendship or the guy? I'm thinking the guy. This girl is carrying this on way too much. After three months she should have figured out you two are a better match than her and him.

L2: Great.

L3: I don't think mentoring is a substitute for being a grandparent either but if you enjoy having young people in your life mentoring would be a good thing. I think the LW missed that aspect of being a grandparent.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Apr 5, 2013
LW1: If this guy was going to be seriously interested in "Debbie" then he would have done so a long time ago. Why she chose to ignore this fact and get jealous when you started seeing him is something you can't do anything about.

Whatever; you will not be able to have your cake and eat it too.

This happened to me after my 1st husband died. My roommate had a guy friend that she *really* like (and god was he hot). They briefly dated but it didn't work (she wouldn't have sex because of her faith) so when I finally met him, we hit if off right away. We started seeing each other and she was pissed. <mimishrug> He was never that into her other than being friends; I couldn't help that.

LW2: Nice for you.

LW3: Nice for you.

Some really lame rehashes today, Amy.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Apr 5, 2013
LW1: "I think she is upset because he was not more interested in her"
"gets on the same subject about how I broke the girl code and stabbed her in the back."
"Look. This is getting old. HE asked YOU for my number.*I* asked YOU if you were cool with it. Everyone cleared things with YOU. If I hear another word about me being a backstabber, I'm gonna stab you in the face!"

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Memphis, TN

#9 Apr 5, 2013
1. You could have chosen a less complicated situation, but: A) The guy asked you B) You cleared it with your friend who could have been a big girl and said something bt didn't C) This was not a guy your friend was pining after, and I really don't think that a once-a-year booty call euats to dibs. I do believe in "the code" but I think this situation falls short.

2. Yes, sometimes being overbearing and demanding is not the answer.

3. Sorry, but grampa's opinion doesn't matter.

Marina, CA

#10 Apr 5, 2013
LW1: IMHO, Debbie totally lost the right to be upset about this when you asked her if she was cool with it and she replied, "Yes." If she had said, "I am not 100% comfortable with it and in the interest of our friendship, I'd rather you didn't go there" and THEN you went out with him anyway, MAYBE she has a point about the girl code. Even then, these two were not at all serious and Debbie sounds pretty immature and territorial. I have a good friend who married a mutual friend's ex and everyone is OK with it.

LW3: You didn't need a grandchild of your own, you just needed a child in your life!

Chicago, IL

#11 Apr 5, 2013
LW1: Don't worry, you and Debbie will be able to resume your old friendship (tho I'm not sure why you'd want to, since it's obvious you don't really like each other very much...) once the player dumps you. Talking about "a future together" after 3 months? Ummmmm, Ok... I just hope you don't have kids who will get burned when this relationship blows up.

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